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Monday, July 6, 2009
Brothabag Leon Voted
HCwDB legend Brothabag Leon, who is increasingly turning whiter to honor Michael Jackson, has voted in the Weekly.
He voted for Knotty Hair Hott and Fire.
Have you voted yet?
Monday, July 6, 2009HCwDB of the Week
You think the fight against the hott/douche commingling is over? This fight is just beginning folks.
Put away your sparklers, your lawn chairs and recycle your empty PBRs. It’s the Weekly. And here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Weekend at Bennie’s
As Troy Tempest puts it:
I may have two dyn-o-mite babes hangin’ on my arms, but in my mind? I’M LISTENING TO DOKKEN!!!
Originally posted under the title Dehumanism, this pairing of sexy girls next door and dead douche on the dance floor deserves its own school of mock, so I’ve retitled it “Weekend at Bennie’s.”
Because any reference to 1980s Andrew McCarthy movies is gold, Jerry.
The girls are sweet and shiny and each are offering me their shoulder to gnaw upon. Which I would. Lightly. And then harder. And then awkwardly. And then they’d ask me to go home.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Tiki Douche
Tiki Douche has a number of quality components that render it pure in the hottie/douchey dialectics.
A smokingly tasty hott, innocent and with butt powdery quality.
A super-douche of forehead grease, wristdana, idiotic tatts, designer sunglasses and douche-pose.
And, of course, an angry Bud Light Totem Pole, bringing shame to Iroquois ancestors across the Northern Frontier.
Tiki Douche brings the lesser hott but identical scrotal move in Pic #2.
For her hot-pants and Cleavite paleness are vunderbar.
And Tiki Douche’s undies poke and belt-studs are verboten verkleinshmidt nacht.
Or something.
HCwDB of the Week #3: Morris
Morris brings an extra serving of what we term Douche Aura. The desire to punch that far outweighs the actual list of scrotal fungus he presents in presence of his hott.
The hott is also problematic. She is cute, but perhaps not enough to compete with the other hotts in the Weekly.
Then there’s Pic #2, where Morris brings annoying photoshop bleaching, annoying hottie Bleething, and a giant faux.
Even if Rage and Lust in the Time of Holbrooks! did amazing sleuthing and determined that Morris is actually last year’s Crawdaddy, I’m still giving Morris another shot in the Weekly.
Because I’m generous like that.
(Dis)honorable mention to Clubholio, the Greaser and Bikini Hott from ‘Bag / Nottabag, the Ass Pear n’ Hat Tilt and the Beauty and Tool from Skull and Douchebones, whose comments threads shenanigans suggested a takedown on the way and thus disqualified them.
So them’s your three.
Which pairing of scrote and suckle thigh rises to the top?
That’s where I need your help.
Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.
Sunday, July 5, 2009Vinnie’s July 4th Fist Pump
So was your July 4th Weekend as fistpumpy as Vinnie’s? Fake or not, I can’t tell (betting on fake) but this dude cracks me up.
WARNING: As with most fist pumping Jerz Guids, there are no hotts to counterbalance the grease.
Sunday, July 5, 2009Vinnie's July 4th Fist Pump
So was your July 4th Weekend as fistpumpy as Vinnie’s? Fake or not, I can’t tell (betting on fake) but this dude cracks me up.
WARNING: As with most fist pumping Jerz Guids, there are no hotts to counterbalance the grease.
Saturday, July 4, 2009Happy July 4th!!
PIC DELETED
From all of us here at HCwDB, May your 4th be drunken and Boobie filled.
Well okay, it’s just me.
But I toast my Ubiquitous Red Cup of ‘Train to you, for joining me on this silly yet culturally revealing journey through the dialectics of hott and choad.
Remember to have fun, drink lots of PBR, and try not to think about dudes with Neck-n-Skull tatts and spiky chia hair hitting on Teutonic Sisters Hotts.
It’s hard. But you can do it.
Friday, July 3, 2009Independence Day Thoughts and Links
Random Friday Thoughts on this July 4th Weekend as we remember the Punctured Balloon and his bevy of Vegas Hott:
So if “underground” artists Shepard Farey and Banksy got in a fight, which 1980s ironic image would win? Mike Tyson’s Punchout? Or the Commando poster?
“We got both kinds! Country and Western!” With all this Michael Jackson nostalgia over the past week, it’s time to remember the true genius of that time: John Landis. He altered my childhood the way a child molesting uncle might. Only instead of fondling my pubescent peepee, I laughed a lot.
I’m off to New Hampshire to hang with nature and pretend there never were forty different brands of spikey hair gel in every Rite-Aid. So here’s your abbreviated Friday Links:
Joey from The Real World: Hollywood now has his own website. You can Win a Day with Joey. Next week, you can “Help Joey Pay His Rent.”
Speaking of disposable celebs, Megan Fox and 90210 Douche are making a strong case for a 2009 Douchie Award.
I get that retro-nostalgia works on a twenty year roll, but do we really have to nostalgically recall Hammertime?
Ed Hardy now sells toys to kids, including a Remote Control Pirate Ship. I’m torn between lamenting the garishness of our cultural decline, and wanting it.
And finally, say what you will about her annoying pseudo-celeb status, but we gotta give it up to Kardouchian Ass Pear. From a silent aesthetic perspective, those mounds is glorious.
Go forth and celebrate!! It’s drinkin’ time.
Friday, July 3, 2009Bucky Gettin’ His Party On
HCwDB of the Week winner, Bucky, has ditched the hat-tilt and brought in the bros, the Goose and the Ubiquitous Red Cup to party this July 4th.
Kathy Hott brought her trampier sister, Layla.
Later, Bucky’s gonna show off his belly tatt, which reads either “Sexy God Does Blow” or “Must Love Dogs.”
It is on.
What are your plans for the 4th?
Friday, July 3, 2009Bucky Gettin' His Party On
HCwDB of the Week winner, Bucky, has ditched the hat-tilt and brought in the bros, the Goose and the Ubiquitous Red Cup to party this July 4th.
Kathy Hott brought her trampier sister, Layla.
Later, Bucky’s gonna show off his belly tatt, which reads either “Sexy God Does Blow” or “Must Love Dogs.”
It is on.
What are your plans for the 4th?
Friday, July 3, 2009Friday Haiku
Morris and his Bleeth,
Too far gone to be rescued
Five fingers, all poo.
HCwDB in the News
Your humble narrator is slowing things down for the next few days. Because it’s vaca time for the DB1.
The third week of my show, Is She Really Going Out With Him?, is wrapping up on MTV, with 12 original eps having aired so far. The response has been great, all the craziness and creative battles were worth it. Not everything from HCwDB could carry over, but I have a show I’m really proud of. A show that’s silly and playful, and mocking the douches as they deserve to be mocked.
In other HCwDB news, my book has officially been optioned, and I’m hard at work this summer writing the script. While the show plays with real world couples, the movie version of HCwDB will be the journey of the book. My journey. And will have lots of boobies and Ass Pear.
But this weekend?
This weekend is for sitting back and doing jack-all squat. Scratching myself in inappropriate places. Rubbing my hairy-ass belly. Drinking cheap wines and consuming way too many calories of chemical Hostess goodness.
In other words, it’s just like every other week.
