Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ask DB1: I Can Haz Preposterous?

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Douchebag1,

Humbly,
Kierkegaardouche
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You got it, K.

The Chinchilla

Oh, Linda.

How bold you think you are dating The Chinchilla. How daddy suffers for your wayward ways.

His chinstrappy gray vest / silk t-shirt wearing smug douche-pouty choaditude convinced you he was “dangerous.” He “slappa the bass” in his Clash tribute band, “Cock the Casbah,” during open-mic-night at the Beer Shack. And it was rad.

Such a poor choice, Linda. But I will forgive you.

By awkwardly fondling your outer thigh area with a fly swatter and a jar of mustard.

The Pouter Puff

Nothing says macho badass quite like a little rouge to bring up the cheekbones.

Things got worse moments later, when Pouter Puff went for the Fran Ass Grab.

Still Life With Wheelbarrow

My latest work to be part of the the HCwDB gallery show at the Guggenheim in 2023, which will cement my reputation as an artist in the age of denatured simulacra, I title Still Life with Wheelbarrow.

Still Life with Wheelbarrow rejects postmodern composition by focusing the gaze on a central coupling within a neo-classical return to even weighting. To place this framing in counterpoint, the use of sand as a structuring motif, with buildings rising starkly in the distance, places nature within a retro-futurist critique. Thusly it uses depth, absence and cool color palette to reinforce the spectral reconfiguration of denatured idioms.

It also has hott, douche and a wheelbarrow.

Reader Mail: Katie Price and Peter Andre

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Hi DB1,

Here they are shopping at Ed Hardy in Los Angeles.
– Ashley
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No idea who they are, although I feel like I’ve featured them on the site before. But as of July of 2009, I can safely say this: All roads of ‘bag lead to Ed Hardy.

Ed Hardy is the fulcrum of faux. The portal of pud. The gateway drug and, like Mordor and Gettysburg before it, the location of battle where the war will be won or lost.

The Temple Mount

There’s two types of ‘bag reactions when staring at the performative sapphic kiss.

The Standard Reaction: Cholo on the left’s “grin + point” move.

The Supernatural Reaction: The ‘bag’s thoughts spontaneously form as hair shave on his left temple.

Either way, boobies.

Creepy Old Biker Guy

Creepy Old Biker Guy is bringing the TapOut Game to mack on the barely legals.

Somewhere on a balcony outside a nuclear testing facility, apparently.

X-Lax Voted

Previous HCwDB of the Week winner X-Lax (still with the “x” on his hand), his ubiquitous bros, and Sorority Girl Mandy all just voted in the Weekly.

Have you?

HCwDB of the Week

It’s our last Weekly before the HCwDB of the Month next Monday, so lets make it count. Here’s your nominees:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Gunny

Tongue licky annoyance, a bevy of hottness on his arms, and the stupidest belt buckle this side of “the Destroyer” (entry #2) makes Gunny a formidable clown in the Weekly.

And lets not forget the Gun Show: Gunny 2, Gunny 3 and Gunny 4, a decisive run of scrotal wrong.

And what of Crazy Eyes Sephardic Hott on the left? Sure she’s nuts and’ll ruin your credit rating and future plans, but it’d be worth it.

And tiny blonde has an absolutely shoulder suckle shoulder.

Just behind Gunny’s middle finger. It is so un-choice, in the parlance of Mr. Bueller.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Cornbread the Destroyer

Kudos to all who participated in an hilarious name contest last week for this pic of beefed up assclown and tiny latina princess hott, but the prize goes to Rage and Lust in the Times of Holbrooks for the name.

I need to do these naming contests more often. Saves me a ton of the creative heavy lifting. But it also shows off how HCwDB has the most clever, erudite and evicerating regulars who bring the power of the mock with g-force cultural critique.

But you already knew that.

This pic brings back a previous Weekly Winner, but in a new persona, and thus eligible again for mocking.

It also brings a tiny Persian Princess, whom I would save from marauding Crusaders. By lightly massaging her well toned shoulder muscles, and then crying to sleep in her laundry room.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Teddy Tatt and Maggie’s Wine Tips

At first, Teddy Tatt and Maggie just seemed like blush-wine sipping O.C. standard HCwDB.

But the composition of this pic, artistic and intriguing, prompts further examination.

And then the factors emerge that mark a Weekly:

The smug douche-face. The ginormously goofy chest tatt. The Bleethy hott with perfect boobs and sweet smile. And don’t forget the creepy pool setting and the ginormous douche-watch on Teddy Tatt.

Mmm… I’d like to Kavalier Maggie’s Klays.

Their second pic didn’t bring much more to the game, but this first pic has just the right stench of hottie/douchey to make it to the Weekly.

Tough week to cull down, as the worthy Spiderbag, Saturday Night Jerzey, Ralph Walder Lamerson and Standard Issue Vegastool all just missed the cut.

But them’s your three.

As your humble narrator groggily scratches his privates and stumbles around to find his socks, he turns it over to you. Which rises to the top/bottom of the scrotey/boobie pile?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

HCwDB on the Red Carpet

The 2009 Douchie Awards. Coming this December.