Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ralph Waldo Lamerson

Do not mock Ralph Waldo, for he has the soul of poet. Only the body of a douche.

In his spare time, Ralph pours his heart out as free verse in a ragged notebook he carries with him:

“Yo, I need food. Is KFC still open?”

“Dag. My armpits smell like prune.”

Do not let the star tatts fool you. It is the free verse of a street poet.

Hers is the perky smile of a young, confused doe. She has wandered into the path of her street poet, only to think to herself pensively, “He thinks I look like Katie Price! Katie Price is like OMG!!”

OMG, indeed, young doe.

OMG.

Where’s Pedro?

Somewhere in this grouping of faux-punk douchery and enhanced female “workin’ it'” posing, I’ve carefully hidden a mustachioed Pedro.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Where's Pedro?

Somewhere in this grouping of faux-punk douchery and enhanced female “workin’ it'” posing, I’ve carefully hidden a mustachioed Pedro.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Name That Scrote

Okay kids, time to play another round of the game that’s sweeping the nation… “Name that Scrote.”

Which douchebag featured previously on this site is pictured here acting “gangsta” while macking on Tiny Suzanna?

Can you ‘tag him in the comments thread?

EDIT: Give up? He’s here

Rick’s Beachbag ‘Tag

—-
DB1,

-Rick
—-

Well done Rick, and since the hott may be underage, please postdate the following until some time in 2010: “I would lick her unwashed bikini like a brain-addled bark beetle after eating a pimento loaf.”

Rick's Beachbag 'Tag

—-
DB1,

-Rick
—-

Well done Rick, and since the hott may be underage, please postdate the following until some time in 2010: “I would lick her unwashed bikini like a brain-addled bark beetle after eating a pimento loaf.”

Pukey McGee

Yeah, Pukey’s probably only a stage-2 douche, what with the chin strap being his central signifier.

But Susan is sweet and pure, and behind her eyes I sense a hint of regret that she’s let Pukey McGee get so close to her personal space.

Or I may be projecting my own hopes and dreams upon her boobie palette. Just like Pukey is about to.

Burns McFaux

Note the classic ‘bag lean-in on Burns here.

This is common for a stage-2 douche when posing with a disinterested hott. It implies a closeness and a coupling that is not actually present.

Cathy’s parents didn’t leave Korea for this. They’re very upset, and shouting at each other right now.

HCwDB of the Week: Hairy Belafonte and Cheryl

‘Twas a closely fought contest that came down to a neck and necktatt race between the Hairy Belafonte’s douchey-ass hair and P. Doody’s “Rated P for Poo” tatt mugging of Carly.

But Hairy’s absurdist douche-hair and Cheryl’s sweet innocent hottness pulled it out and took the prize.

Heh. I said pulled it out.

Y: The Last Douche: Has to go for Hairy Belafonte, but more so the vote is for his fine ass woman. She is all sorts of pure, and I can only imagine she was on her way to the beach with her friends and had to pick up the one nasty friend in the group who rolls with douches, and Hairy in particular. While waiting for the skank-o to puke up her lunch before departure the girls sat on the couch, and Cheryl was too slow and got the spot next to Hairy. He spent the following 96 seconds hitting on her, culminating in this photo, which Cheryl patiently waited for because she’s nice like that.

Jane Q. Public: Hairy Belafonte has the douchiest hair and the hottest Hott. He gets my vote.

Hong Kong Douchey: Hairy B. FTW. This pic is the essence of HCwDB. She’s a cutie and he begs to be shoved head first in a wood chipper.

Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: In the absence of the incredibly moronic, incredibly Douchy,and incredibly entertaining Colt, I’ll have to vote for Hairy. They are all equally douchy to me, so it’s the bleethiness of the hotts that separate them for me. And Cheryl Crowhott is the least bleethy, and therefore the hottest to me.

Anonymous: It’s close this week, but i give it to Hairy Bellafonte.Because “Every Day is a winding Choad” and he must’ve driven a long way in a convertible to kiss and fondle Sheryl Crow. And who wouldn’t.

Mr. White: Hairy FTW. His hair is so big that you need general relativity to calculate the curvature of space time near the tips. And I want to plug my pink iPhone into the USB port in Cheryl’s lap.

sir douchealot: Hairy FTW. Some pictures speak 1000 words; this one makes kittens die in their sleep.

Anonymous: Hairy for sure. Not just because of the hair, but also because he still drinks from a straw.

George W. Douche: the hott that is cheryl crowhott is too pure to be ignored. she almost looks like she has a fighting chance to avoid infection. keep turning that cheek away from douchitude. and by turning that cheek, i mean i love you. hairy belafonte ftw. just so you can repost this picture again and i can look upon it like i did for the very first time.

The Donger: Hairy FTW. Ever since the Swiffer replaced him, he has been trying to get his baby back.

I R A Darth Aggie: Hairy Belafonte: Yes, you for the win. The kissy face working your angel-hott, the ridonkulous hair and the shoulder tatt push you towards the top. But what puts you over the top is your angel-hott. Nursing major, or perhaps library sciences, she has so much more wholesome just-off-the-bus-from-Kanasas look, and it is only her presence that gives you the win.

Wholesome hotts that you want to despoil are the most painful type of HCs to find in presence of DB, good argument, IRADA. Props to all for excellent deconstructions and mock. Coming in a solid second, and nearly pulling out the victory, was the absurd tatt known as P. Doody, aka “P. For Poo,” and the suprise guest star appearance of Carly Hott:

Charles Nelson Douchely: After looking at the picture of P is for Poo and Carly, I’m ready to head down to the free clinic myself to get checked out for the social disease du jour. I’ll vote for him. Hairy’s close, but he just reeks of “lead singer for a band you’ll never hear of” and needs some excuse for people to look at him. P. Doody just reeks.

Emma G: P Doody FTW, that tattoo has made me slap a baby, punch my granny and rent a Sandra Bullock romcom. Oh and use the word ‘romcom.’ Life no longer has meaning.

The Dude: I voted for Doody, because of boobies

Doucheminster Fuller: You can peacock it, as Hairy does. You can aspire to it, as Earglasm does. Or you can live it, like P Doody.

Choada the Hutt: Doody!! Permanant douche tattoo = big winner!

Ass Pear: P for Poo. As much as Hairy’s do is asinine it could be repaired. That tat needs to be blacked over. But I sense he’s too stupid to do so…

Patrick: My vote is for P. Doody. If Carly Hott chooses him over the 2008 HCwDB of the Year, he must be pure poo.

Good point Patrick, the fact that any H.C. who’s appeared previously with a DB of the Year has chosen someone is testament to his huge scrotastic pull. But Carly Hott couldn’t ride P. Doody to victory. Coming in a respectable third, the creepy earglasses wearing Earglasm.

Double O Douche: Earglasm FTW his mind bending douche moves are so 3008 and all the other taint pubs are so 2000 and late

End the Haberdouchery: Earglasm and his bleeth have that “I’m better than you” look despite no evidence to support it. For that, they are both douche. Keep smoking honey, they don’t make sunglasses big enough to hide the stoma you’ll need in your neck at age 50.

Chia LaDouche: Eargasm, for the douchy sunglasses thing. Even worse than Guy Fieri’s sunglasses-on-the-back-of-the-neck thing.

And lets not forget Colt aka Skull and Douchebones, who earned a few votes as a write-in candidate:

Anonymous: I’d like to vote for my write-in candidate…..Colt. Much like those who vote for Ralph Nader, I know he won’t win, but damn he’s a loser.

But lets turn it over to Captain Bringdown to bring us down home:

Today’s secret word is “hair,” as in “I could be gainfully employed if it wasn’t for my hair.” Uses for douche hair include scrubbing the encrusted shit off elephant taints, testing automobile anti-skid devices during pedestrian mowdowns, and as camera chum for Shark Week filmmakers.

That’s a vote for Hairy Belafonte.

Chalk up Hairy and Cheryl in the next Monthly. On the strength of hair, red back and hottly hott innocent boobie hottie, we have our HCwDB winning/losing couple. Good work, and I’m getting a coffee.

Gunny Noticed HCwDB has Problems in Internet Explorer

Gunny wanted to drop by and say that those browsing HCwDB in Internet Explorer may be having alignment problems, and that management is working on fixing it (although with no clue how to actually fix it).

Isn’t that right Gunny?

Gunny: I look like a Tard!!!

You shouldn’t use the word ‘tard’ Gunny. It’s insensitive.

Gunny: Tards are funny!!

Yes, I know Tards are funny. But you could phrase that differently.

Gunny: This girl is da bomb, yo.

She is attractive.

Gunny: I like peas.

Yes. We all like peas.