Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Where’s Bud Light Totem Pole?

Somewhere in this lineup of Tiki Douche and relatively decent beach hott, I’ve carefully hidden an all knowing Bud Light Totem Pole.

Look closely.

Can you find it?

Where's Bud Light Totem Pole?

Somewhere in this lineup of Tiki Douche and relatively decent beach hott, I’ve carefully hidden an all knowing Bud Light Totem Pole.

Look closely.

Can you find it?

Ruminations on the Librarian Hott

Here’s the thing about finding the authentically sexy in our age of name-brand cultural capital as sexually inscribed validation.

When you feel you’re being “played” by a calculated career move? There’s nothing erotic there.

When the automatons at the Playboy mansion show ass cleavage on The Girls Next Door to further their hosting careers on the E Network? Boring rote machina.

When the starlet tramps in constant rotation on TMZ fall out of their cars for the paparazzi? About as sexy as a root canal.

The Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh is found in the genuine. The authentic. In the real.

In the everyday collegiate hotts who smile for the joy of smiling, and who know not how much they drink. Who stumble and laugh and expect nothing in return. Who blush and tell you to “stop it” when you stare longingly and gropingly at their boobs at 2am, but think it’s okay and forgive you your drunken fumblings the next morning in class.

They are the real hotts of this world.

Not the pablum fed to us on Access Hollywood. Not the carefully constructed media events being promoted in US Weekly and pictures of starlets buying coffee in In-Touch.

The real hotts are not found in glossy magazines or scrambling for attention on TV. They are to be celebrated precisely because they are not seeking us out so we can be manipulated by these conceptual strippers of the mass produced digital age.

We find them, they don’t find us. They are simply being themselves. Librarian hottness of hidden and smolderingly authentic truth. A hottness of the real.

They are boobie hottie suckle thigh.

And they are the real glories of this universe.

Standard Issue Vegastool

Do they hand these choads out at the Vegas airport like leis in Hawaii?

The concave, hourglass, inward slopes of Pamela’s inner boobie half inspires poets to dream linguistic flights of literary fancy, and angry lemurs to bitchslap their moms.

The Buddha ‘Bag

He who seeks spiritual enlightenment must realize that it can only be attained after one has prepared one’s body first. To be really douchey.

Only then, can one find truth upon staring at suckle thigh.

— The Buddha ‘Bag, 448 B.C.

The Buddha 'Bag

He who seeks spiritual enlightenment must realize that it can only be attained after one has prepared one’s body first. To be really douchey.

Only then, can one find truth upon staring at suckle thigh.

— The Buddha ‘Bag, 448 B.C.

Bob and Maggie and Ted and Alice

Teddy Tatt and Maggie have brought some douchey friends to recommend Blushless Zinfandel.

The blush wine for a society without shame.

Teddy Tatt and Maggie’s Wine Tips

With just the right hint of tangy sparkle, and the vague scent of Axe Bodyspray, Teddy Tatt and Maggie recommend the Douchetopia Zinfandel label.

Pressed in the California vineyards of Redlands and Riverside, Douchetopia Zinfandel is made from only the finest poolside grown crack-berries, and squeezed with only the tightest pink bikini tops.

As such it is so very choice.

Or what Teddy Tatt calls, “Da bomb yo.”

Teddy Tatt and Maggie's Wine Tips

With just the right hint of tangy sparkle, and the vague scent of Axe Bodyspray, Teddy Tatt and Maggie recommend the Douchetopia Zinfandel label.

Pressed in the California vineyards of Redlands and Riverside, Douchetopia Zinfandel is made from only the finest poolside grown crack-berries, and squeezed with only the tightest pink bikini tops.

As such it is so very choice.

Or what Teddy Tatt calls, “Da bomb yo.”

Caption This Pic

After a week of temping at The Home Depot, Marnie was surprised when her regional manager offered to take her out to discuss rising wood prices.

——

Third Place, Dark Sock: This was not what Oscar had in mind when he requested a bar stool.

Second Place, End the Haberdouchery: Ed Hardy laxatives. For when you want your poop to have tattoos.

First Place, Douche Shower and Shave: The crowd was curious but well behaved as Elmo and his sister began the doubles dancing contest with a little thing they liked to call the “sticky dance”.