Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week: Schmuckhead

After a surprisingly boisterous and close vote, Schmuckhead managed to pull it out by the grease of his forehead. And ass pear of Claudina, as featured in pic #2. The voters speak:

Douche Springsteen: Shmuckhead FTW. To paraphrase Ben Franklin “Ass Pear in a tight pink sundress and two dark hotts engaging in a sapphic kiss is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy”. However, add a Shmuckhead to that equation and the line “What you have to consider is that God doesn’t like you” penned by Chuck Palahniuk seems to be more apropos.

UFO Destroyers: The all-day flavorful goodness packed into those Rorschach-inspired dresses would keep me in bed for three days in a semi-coma.

g0dluvsugly: Schmuckhead FTW. The level of hotts in this image is virtually unparalleled. And not only are they hott but they are attention starved “bisexuals” who will make out in front of you, and with another goose martini, perhaps, begin fondling each others breasts. And as for schmuck? Well, he just wants to rave on.

‘Bagamemnon: Schmuckhead makes my blood boil like an angry Alaskan huskie. 1 vote for Schmuckhead for the win (loss).

DoubleBock: Schmuckhead FTW! Despite the unfortunate circumstances that caused his lower legs to be amputated and have toddler feet attached to his kneecaps, he has what it takes. Obvious ‘roid bag, stupid self-satisfied smirk, even stupider chin pubes, and the stupidest shirt seal the deal. Oh yeah, and some slutty hotts.

Señor Squash: I pick Schmuckhead. Because he looks like he picked up a copy of the HCWDB book, squinted intensely while studying the pictures (’cause, like, reading’s for fags), and followed it like it was a how-to manual. Oh, and because Claudina’s ass affects tide levels on a global scale.

DarkSock: Schmuckhead’s sitting on more prime rump roast than Sam the Butcher.

Emma G: Schmuckhead FTW. His name reminds me of Smuckers and that inevitably leads to thoughts of Willard Scott, and Willard Scott mugging those 3 hot latino faux lesbians is just wrong, wrong I say.

Mr. Scrotatohead: my vote must go to schmuckhead. His doucheness is manifest purely in his sublime smugness. Never mind that he has the lower body of an eight-year-old. He more than makes up for the lack of penis with chin strip, lip gloss, and gel, gel, gel. Once crowned he will take his rightful place atop Brown Dress Hottie’s tasty ass and declare, as his hero and mentor Lord Farquaad so eloquently proclaimed, “Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingertaint Man”.

Well done, team, gold stars all around. A perfect eviceration of SH’s classic retro-2007 douchebaggery, which is still very much out there, and very much mockworthy.

Coming in a solid second, and nearly taking the prize, was the Beach douchery of the Baller and the power of barely legal doublehotts, Tina and Trina:

AV: Schmuckhead with his douche face and hand gestures and hotts is a force to be reckoned with. But said hotts are a little too slutty and bleethsome for my taste…at least while Bleach Baller’s Tina and Trina twins are around. They are like air conditioning and iced tea on a hot, muggy summer day. Their smiles warm my heart as well as my loins. Their boobies are of lightly roasted marshmallow.

Mr. White: I must cast my vote for The Bleach Baller. Why, you ask? Maybe I’m just in the mood for a simpler kind of scrote today. The kind of scrote with crappy star tats placed as if they were superfluous third and fourth nipples. A scrote who reveals his underwear instead of–oh, I don’t know–JUST WEARING A F**KING BATHING SUIT SINCE HE’S AT THE DAMN BEACH!

adam: Beach baller. Not only does he represent the under appreciated flat-bill 4d tilt MLB hat douche, but the quality of the right boobie-hottie suckle thigh is far beyond that of the other entries and the ratio of hottie to douche is much, much better.

HusslinHoosier: The boobie twins are femtastically perfect. If you put lefty’s tits on righty’s hips it would create a black hole of hot that would very ascetically destroy the world.

Anonymous: Bleach Baller FTW. I’m never going to Coney Island again.

Paul Muad’Douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach: just compare the hotts. Schmuckhead’s hotts have already been infected, and have come to equilibrium with the douchebag toxicity. Like pox scars on the faces of Mayans 40 years after Cortes, Claudina and her friends show that they’ve encountered the douchebag virus, and survived after a fashion. Bleach Baller’s hotts are still relatively untouched, and thus may be more thoroughly ravaged by their exposure. Who knows if they’ll survive. Because he is the biggest danger, and needs to be coralled for the safety of us all, I have to go with Bleach Baller.

BB’s Boobie Bunch received inordinate attention, which is as it should be. Coming in third, but also with solid support, was the wreckage of Los Angeles poo, Alice in Scroterland:

Batou: Alice in Scroterland FTW. There hasn’t been that much douche in one place since those two Massengill trucks jackknifed on the Jersey Turnpike back in ’98.

Double O Douche: Alice in Scroterland FTW week the pic is straight up diaharea

Creature: “Scroterland” is dripping with so much poo, I had to clean my monitor with 2 Depends… ftw

Well said, and the borderline celebubag “Crazytown” status of the Scroterland posse do not excuse. So what is it about the Schmuckhead and assorted Latina Ass Pear that was pungent enough to win? Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche takes us home:

Schmuckhead FTW! Typical club douche + 3 moi caliente ass pears = weekly win. I would invent a new drinking game where I would bounce quarters off each chicas lovely rump roasts in the hopes of taking out Schmuckbags eyes. The first one to 3 wins!

Props to all who voted in what remains the highest quality satiric writing on the world wide intarwebs by comments thread regulars and occasional ‘bag hunters who drop in to say hi. Good work, people.

Chalk up Schmuckhead and Claundina Ass Pear for the Monthly. And I’m a’gettin’ a coffee.

HCwDB After Dark

For those of you hangin’ with HCwDB past the work hours and into the night, here’s the first of what I’d like to call HCwDB After Dark.

Welcome. Come on in.

HCwDB After Dark is exactly like regular HCwDB. It just takes place after dark. And has large salinic boobies on ladies you absolutely would hit on no matter how much you deny it in this forum.

And, of course, a Hitler Chin Douche making the most awkward “West Side” hand gesture in weeks.

It’s HCwDB After Dark, people. Kick back on the lounge chair. Grab a cup of Night Train and a handful of Cheetos and settle in.

We’re all friends here. How’s your night going?

Mad Men Season 3

Mad Men is starting up season #3 this week, which means:

A. A new season of TV’s best drama.

B. A period piece of retro-cool pastiche.

C. A carefully crafted thematic meditation on gender hierarchies and the normative structures of America’s racial and classist past depicted in mid 20th Century transition, mixed with a commentary on the destructive dysfunction located in the performative role playing inherent in familial frameworks.

D. More Peyton List boobie hottie suckle thigh, which the DB1 will lightly metaphorically stroke while screaming “me tap horical!” over and over in an awkward baritone.

Caption This Pic

Who knows what douchebaggery lurks in the grease stains of Albanian refugees hitting on Jennifer Garner cocktail waitresses?

The ‘Stachebagger knows.

Velvet Flog: ‘Bag / Nottabag

Now hear me out before you jump to conclusions.

Sure Velvet Flog is busting the velvet pants. And green sunglasses at night. And pink “winged angel” shirt.

And sure he’s headlocking an absolutely gorgeous munchable Popsicle honeyhott with the aggression of sexual sublimation.

But…

Oh who are we kidding.

Douche.

EDIT: Changed “Fog” to “Flog,” not to be confused with The Velvet Smog.

Velvet Flog: 'Bag / Nottabag

Now hear me out before you jump to conclusions.

Sure Velvet Flog is busting the velvet pants. And green sunglasses at night. And pink “winged angel” shirt.

And sure he’s headlocking an absolutely gorgeous munchable Popsicle honeyhott with the aggression of sexual sublimation.

But…

Oh who are we kidding.

Douche.

EDIT: Changed “Fog” to “Flog,” not to be confused with The Velvet Smog.

Poocrime

My question is this: At what point will giant douche watches, leather wristbands and garish arm-tatts all merge in some dystopic Philip K. Dick future shock to form some futuristic embedded “watchtatt”?

Think about it.

Every time a Long Island Giggle Hott is being mugged in a club, the Watchtatt could monitor the situation through a series of beeps.

Like thoughtcrime.

I will call it “Poocrime.”

Simon’s Ibiza ‘Bag Tag

—-
DB1-

good game
– Simon
—-

I try to stay away from nudity on the site for the same reason I stay away from swearing — because HCwDB is meant to teach all ages about the foulness of scrote. And I’m fighting a (losing) battle to stay out of work filters that block sites like mine.

But this tag is so creepily European in its Euroscrote, and the hotts are so delectable, that I had to run Simon’s tag. And yes, this means user submitted nudity on HCwDB.

Gatorheads have been photoshopped in by me to bloc the nips on the mainpage, but if you click on the pic, you can see the original in all it’s nudie/scrotey Euro glory.

Simon's Ibiza 'Bag Tag

—-
DB1-

good game
– Simon
—-

I try to stay away from nudity on the site for the same reason I stay away from swearing — because HCwDB is meant to teach all ages about the foulness of scrote. And I’m fighting a (losing) battle to stay out of work filters that block sites like mine.

But this tag is so creepily European in its Euroscrote, and the hotts are so delectable, that I had to run Simon’s tag. And yes, this means user submitted nudity on HCwDB.

Gatorheads have been photoshopped in by me to bloc the nips on the mainpage, but if you click on the pic, you can see the original in all it’s nudie/scrotey Euro glory.

Homeless Phil Collins has Six-Pack Abs

Beat that, Homeless Peter Gabriel.

And you too, Homeless Mike Rutherford.

Yup, Phil Collins jokes. Must be a Monday.