Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Schmuckhead Says “Eurobags Got Nuthin’ on ‘Mericanbags!”

What’s that? HCwDB of the Week winner Schmuckhead is coming into the ring!! And he looks pissed, Bob. Lets see if we can get a quick interview.

(handing mic to Schmuckhead)

Schmuckhead: I’se brinin’ my a-game to take down that Eurofag on Monday!!

Schmuckhead, what do you say to your critics that think you’re probably going to get trounced by Smoot?

Schmuckhead: I challenge anyone out there who thinks that to say it to my abs!!

Okay Schmuckhead, tell us then. Why do you think you’ll win on Monday?

Schmuckhead: I gots the hotts, bro!! Check my tri-hott ass pear in my first pic. And now, look at this pear right here, licking my abs. I’m a huge freakin’ douche, bro!! Even I hate me!!

That’s a complex split within your psyche there, Schmuckhead.

Schmuckhead: I have deep fissures in my identity constructs. I blame the external stimulii of a fragmented life.

Monday. The HCwDB of the Month.

Schmuckhead Says "Eurobags Got Nuthin' on 'Mericanbags!"

What’s that? HCwDB of the Week winner Schmuckhead is coming into the ring!! And he looks pissed, Bob. Lets see if we can get a quick interview.

(handing mic to Schmuckhead)

Schmuckhead: I’se brinin’ my a-game to take down that Eurofag on Monday!!

Schmuckhead, what do you say to your critics that think you’re probably going to get trounced by Smoot?

Schmuckhead: I challenge anyone out there who thinks that to say it to my abs!!

Okay Schmuckhead, tell us then. Why do you think you’ll win on Monday?

Schmuckhead: I gots the hotts, bro!! Check my tri-hott ass pear in my first pic. And now, look at this pear right here, licking my abs. I’m a huge freakin’ douche, bro!! Even I hate me!!

That’s a complex split within your psyche there, Schmuckhead.

Schmuckhead: I have deep fissures in my identity constructs. I blame the external stimulii of a fragmented life.

Monday. The HCwDB of the Month.

HCwDB of the Week: The Eurobag

In the last Weekly before Monday’s HCwDB of the Month, The classic ‘bag iconography of Eurobag and Monique were a runaway winner (loser). The voters speak:

I R A Dearth Aggie: Eurobag FTW. Best combination of sweet hott and trashy bag. And he fits the definition of eurobag to a T.

One for the Choad: Eurobag FTW, no question. He might have perfectly coiffed hair, but I can smell him and that douchey sweater through my laptop. And ten bucks says he wears colored contacts.

Only Women Bleeth: Euroscrote FTW!!!! Bedazzled jeans, pooey hair, and WTF is up with that cardigan????

Maxim Kovalenko: It’s gotta be Euro. God, it’s like he superglued sparkly D&D dice to his legs.

Baron Von Douchemann: Eurobag. There is a special place in hell for the Eurobags. It’s called the Seizieme.

Mr. White: In honor of my upcoming trip to the UK, I vote Eurobag. While there, I will find this choad, kick him in the nads, and then chant, “USA! USA! USA!” over his prone body. Then I will gently stroke Monique’s shiny pants.

denno: Euro-poo will leave this girl with memories of what could have been, that will haunt her well into her menopause years. She is stricken with a blindness that portrays this oily f&cksack as some kind of unique pseudo Bohemian character when in truth he is an arrogant grease ball wearing Cindy Lauper’s old jeans

Mike: Eurobag’s got the sense of entitlement down, the bored, disinterested way he drapes himself over Monique suggests that this buttlump is the son of some Greek shipping magnate and if it wasn’t for daddy’s money he’d be at the Romanian version of a Motel 6 humping the pool inlets.

Merle Baggard: Make mine a Eurobag. Orange, chesthairless, and alarmingly beautiful eyes. Plus six of nine make me happy, and by happy, I mean turgid, especially thinking of her being paddled in the basement of a Chicago sex club while her congressman ex-husband watches and quietly masterbates .

eltango: mon crayon est long et jaune…and eurobag’s is but a nub. monique looks like she’d froth your man milk and top her cappuccino with it. BEDAZZLER FTW!!!

maddywoo: I vote Eurobag. If you glace at the picture, he kinda looks like her was photoshopped in. Poor girl, she can do so much better

Scrotum Pole: Monique, with her genuine smile, natural blond sweetness, and non-faux ta-ta’s, deserves far better. One look into the cold, blue, metrosexual eyes of Eurobag makes me want to find the seven alpacas it took to make his sweater, bludgeon them, and feed their still-kicking carcasses into an industrial wood-chipper. Euro FTW

Gold stars all around to this week’s ‘bag hunters and huntresses. This was one of the most near-unanimous votes in HCwDB history. In very distant second, was Rufus Veinwright:

Wherami: Well I see that Eurobag is doing quite well but seriously people did you not notice the Wristband of Power on Rufus? I had a hard time even thinking that the others were douchy compared to him. Also he had the prerequisite drink in hand albeit its not a red cup and he also definitely had the hottest HOTT this week. I think everyone is just hating on the Freedom Fries and not giving this a true judgement.

Hong Kong Douchey: I’m going against the grain and voting Rufus. We have to take care of the scrotes on our home shores before we start voting for furriner, cheese-eating, surrender monkeys like Eurobag.

While it’s true that we must first look inward at our own scrote/hott problems, the Eurobag was just too prime category to deny. And poor Tarzana, who would’ve won in a walk if only he’d made the “Kissy Lips:”

Double O Douche: Tarzana FTW bad tatts niple rings and a F’n loincloth looks like a gay print ad for Fruit of the loom

The Blessed Scrotini: I vote for Tarzana. Even though the douchery that he exhibits isn’t as off the charts as Eurobag I feel it more easily promotes yin-yang of douche-hott comingling that one can see in the wild. Or in your friend’s apartment.

Good points, TBS. But this was an overwhelming victory (loss) of douche and hott. Lets let Wheezer take us home:

Eurobag FTW. He bought the poo blue contacts after he got tired of being called “David Schwimmer”…..despite crafting his hair in the “Ross” manner. Plus he’s wearing blonde pleather hott’s spare clothes…..which just happen to fit him like a glove.

But Smoot will still smash him in the Monthly.

Eurobag and Monique earn the last slot in the Monthly, and yes, they will get crushed by Smoot. Another excellent week of comments, props to all who voted.

Your unshaven narrator, The DB1, will now get a coffee and scratch himself.

The Tylenolbag

Add up the cultural signifiers in this swirling cocktail blend of garish monstrosity and you’ll get a headache from the cognitive strain.

Thus, my advice is do not try to narrativize the backstory of this porcine poo and porcelain plastic princess.

Do not attempt to explain the Hardy images, Hammer-time hat, and rouge-stains.

Instead take two cyanide laced Tylenol caplets. And, if you make it, call me in the morning.

The Air-Bubble Shartbag

You know that weird sensation when you’ve eaten too many HoHos, and just got done watching a marathon of Sanford n’ Son on TV Land so you’re lightheaded from the antics of Redd Foxx, and you sit up too fast, and your head spins?

So you reach over to steady yourself by grabbing on to your mid century oak side table, the one with the collectors item Doctor Who Zygon you purchased at Comicon two years ago after meeting the late, great Stan Winston?

But because you’re dizzy, you miss the table entirely, and slip on your vintage old-school Colecovision you hooked up to your TV to impress last night’s hott by showing her your prowess at playing Mr. Do’s Castle?

And you stumble backwards, landing on your stained rug butt first, hitting it so hard, you let out a tiny air-bubble shart?

That’s this guy.

Air-Bubble Shart.

With matching belt buckle.

Being John Malscrotevich

Look away.

Look away.

Look away.

Breaking: Mena Suvari Engaged to Douchenozzle

That shit is so Cash Warren.

Not sure if Suvari actually falls into the Hollyhott category. But she was in American Pie.

And she had rose pedals in that mediocrity of a sitcom of an Academy Award winning thing about floating plastic bags.

Speaking of floating plastic bags, I wonder what Shannon Elizabeth’s up to.

The Podgebag

Some days we come face to face with douchescrotery so varied, it’s impossible to peg to a single category.

With army cap at 165 degree tilt, giant headdana, gangsta bling and emo eyeliner, there’s about four different ‘bag categories at work here.

This stage-4 Douchepocalypse means not even light itself can escape unaltered. Lisette didn’t stand a chance, she is too far gone to save. Within moments she’ll be making either “The Westside” or “The Sideways Peace.”

Tiananmen Squares

Adam writes in from China:

—-
DB1-

Hope you can have some fun with this one!
-Adam
—-

We need to take Heineken back from the douchescrote. It’s a relatively decent beer that does not deserve this fate.

Surely there are some bad-ass Asian gangsters who can take these puds out. I’ve seen enough Tsui Hark and John Woo to know that this night’s going to end badly for the Gwai Lo.

With soft focus, slow motion, exploding squibs, Christ imagery and lots of doves.

Skizzle

Skizzle says, The Ladiez love the golden faux!

You know what stage-4 Douche and Douchebaguette cohabitating means.

Time to crack open a tasty bottle of MD 20/20, pour half over ice, and sip until evening while snacking on tasty Hostess Chocodiles.