Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ryan Jenkins and Jasmine Fiore are not Voting in the HCwDB of the Week

The late Ryan Jenkins and Jasmine Fiore, the former a reality TV something and recent murderer/suicider, and the latter a victim of hottie/douchey tragedy,can’t actually stop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week contest.

But they’re in the news, and your hungover narrator likes to remain topical with his pop culture and news references, especially when they speak to HCwDB disaster.

Yeah, this post is kinda bringing me down. Because we should never make fun of murder tragedies. That’s where we as a society draw the line.

Unless you’re Jay Leno and it’s OJ Simpson/Nicole Brown Simpson. Then it’s hilarious. And produces fifteen years of material.

Crown Chest Guy Voted

Crown Chest Guy stopped by to vote in the HCwDB of the Week Contest.

He brought a triumverate of tasty Milfy mom-hotts.

And his douche-bro, Kenny, in the background. Kenny clearly needs Gulliver’s Lilliputians to hike up his pants and set his scrotundae on fire.

HCwDB of the Week

A new week. A new round of hottie/douchey mock, as the DB1 wishes for more Peyton List in Mad Men’s Season three.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Rufus Veinwright

I heard there was a secret scrote…

That baffles the clueless hott… with Hallipoojah…

Apologies to Leonard Cohen and to Rufus Wainright. This guy is a douche. And our lady friend isn’t naturally a-list, but has undeniable suckle thigh.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Eurobag

About time we get back to the basic ‘bag tagging categories.

This is a primary one.

An archetype, if you will.

The Euroscrote. Poofy hair. Douchey bling. Chest reveal. Angora “Ed Wood” sweater.

And, the clincher, Bedazzler jeans. I can’t help but wonder what the scions of the Left Bank in Paris would say to know that after a century of military invasion, cultural transformation, modernity shifting into postmodern crisis, and, of course, tasty fromage, this is all they’d have to show for it.

Monique is all that’s natural and bouncy about the Eurohott, and her smile should be celebrated with fireworks and tree humping.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Tarzana: King of the Bunghole

As with Rufus Veinwright, Tarzana is a douche who would be a heaping uberscrote if making the “Kissy Lips” or “Douche Pout,” but is nearly saved by his happy and relatively friendly un-douchey expression.

As a result, Tarzana is hard to hate.

He just looks happy to be there.

This in spite of shirtlessness in the club, hair spike, absurd pec tatt, nipple ring (!), hint of chin pube, and bizarre fig-leaf dressup.

Rachel Ray is going to teach a cooking show later, and while her arm tatt is beyond over-the-top unnecessary, and she’s on the heavy side, there’s still something tasty about her facial expression.

It says, “I would paddle your bottom, DB1. And then make you cocoa.”

So them’s your three. Not the greatest week of pics, but this is all fodder for next week’s Smoot coronation. And I still need your vote.

Which of these three has the right mix of hott and douche to call itself HCwDB of the Week?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

Douche Designing for Fun… and Profit!

How to dig out of America’s current economic crisis? Douchewear.

What does this clip teach us?

1. Visors attract more of a hip crowd.

2. You’ve got to be mindful of what’s going on in popular culture. Which means, of course, “Mine… not yours.”

3. “Bigg Dogg.” via douche-to-english dictionary = “small penis.”

Cease and Defist

Fistbumping is a relic of the early 00s. Definitely douchey, but can be passable in the right friendly circumstance (aka not sure if the other guy washed his hands).

Air Fistbumping a camera? With mandana and medieval quotation chest-tatt douche markings? While your Tiny Princess Hott snuggles?

Go directly to uberdouche. Do not pass Go.

Starhead Saturday

What’s most impressive about Starhead isn’t the fact his shirt has a rose to match the rose he’s given the brunette Famke Jansen hott.

It isn’t even his commie belt buckle or triceratops gel hair.

It is the subtle finger points while grabbing dual ass pear.

They state, “Starhead may be playing up his androgynous rockstar persona, but when the ladies aren’t paying attention, he got mad game, dog!”

No. No he do not got made game, dog.

For he only got crabs.

Friday Thoughts and Links

There’s something to be said for the superhuman douchescrotes carrying ever onward despite age, receding hairlines and potential skin cancer.

Refusing to bow down to societal mock, they douche ever onward. Hat tilting and hair gelling to the last.

For all of us here at HCwDB, we need our supervillains to battle.

Without The Gator, the Donk, Fish Slap and Smoot, where would we as a society know to draw the line at garish turd-douchery in presence of the hott?

They help us to define the poo. As such, we should… well, continue to mock their sorry asses.

Here’s your links:

Gramps wins! Good for gramps.

Do you hear that sucking sound in Vegas? It’s a natural phenomenon that geologists call The Triforce of Douche.

Mila Kunis is the future ex-Mrs.DB1. I will woo her with dandelion wine and fried plantains until she grows bored and texts her agent demanding he cut the meeting short.

Some dude in Hollywood is on a comedy mission: Arthur Kade: The Miniseries. I’m just pleased I was one of the quotes featured. And now here’s Arthur Kade: The Miniseres, Part 1. The problem is, Kade’ll be flattered.

For the ladies: How to reduce cleavage wrinkles? Kush Support.

Reality thespian, intellectual scion and humanitarian social theorist Jon Gosselin is turning so douchey, the TLC network plans to blur all Ed Hardy from the show.

Orange County seems offended that I place them in my top five HCwDB areas. You may quibble with the rhetoric but can you really challenge the underlying premise? Or, in OC speak, “why y’all bein’ a playah hatah?”

“I advertise my business with my muscles”

And finally, because I like to give back to the community, here’s some hydroponic ass pear.

Go forth and celebrate. Another day of living.

Joey Goes for Boob

When you’re leaning in for a simultaneous boob grab and head lunge, causing Suzanne to stumble backwards and grab on to you so she doesn’t fall down, the ‘roid rage may be kickin’ in, Joey.

Someone needs a time out.

And by time out, I mean anal probe from the Lizard People of Theta-9.

While I whisk Suzanne off to my pup tent for marshmallow shoulder rubs and awkward sleeping-bag groping.

Pukey McJerz

Nothing says “sexy” quite like a Bleeth and a Douche cuddling by a parking lot rest stop in outer New Jerz.

Up next, The Bleeth Toss.

Friday Haiku

PIC DELETED

Do boobs a hot make?
Cuddles with Hardpocalypse,
phallic champagne pops.

Me thinks Heiddegger’s
Existentialism Is
Boobs precede essence.

— “Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock

sister’s airbrushed shirt
stoically is mocking
his little pony

— Dimples

eyes of alien
say call the mothership on
my giant funbags

— Extra Douchetestrial

Hard body, worn face
Apart from melancholy
Nothing is real here

— Deputy Douche