Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Eurobag

So I’m buying my bagel and YooHoo this morning at the local Korean deli, when this old lady taps me on the shoulder.

Old lady: “Excuse me, sonny. Can you tell me how one can look like a douche while groping a hott in Europe?”

Excuse me? I responded.

Old lady: “The Eurodouche! How does it work? I’m talking without the Ed Hardy, bling, kissy lips and orange tan. How can we identify a Eurodouche mugging a Eurohott?”

Two words, I responded. Bedazzled jeans.

And then I handed her this pic.

She thanked me and bought a dozen lottery tickets.

The moral of this story is never look an alpaca in the teats.

Yup, your humble narrator is making no sense again. I blame the Yoohoo’s sugary chocolate goodness.

Tarzana: King of the Bunghole

Tarzana’s found a tasty Jane to swing from his tree.

To root with his cheetah.

To loin cloth his noble savage.

To, uhm, have sex with.

Because I’m fresh out of euphemisms. And need a coffee.

HCwDB of the Week: Scrote Baio and Ophelia

A most impressive and hard fought weekly came down to Scrote Baio’s Doctor Who-ish absurdies and the gangsta puditude of Vanilla Putz, with Baio in charge. The voters speak:

Bilbo Douchebaggins: Scrote Baio FTW. He’s got all the signs of being a Douche. Hat. Mandana. Stupid Tats. A clear URC. Gang Signs While Holding the Cup. and is that a ring in his nose or just a bad shadow? Either way, he sucks therefore he wins. PS. There’s even a little “Joanie Loves Scrotie” going on here.

The Double Douche: Scrote Baio, FTW. Your very presence in Ophelia’s breathing space has lowered her intelligence to sub-human levels. The question mark on your “Outer hat” fathoms the question, “How many fingers am I holding up?” while the mandana keeps such deep thoughts from actually getting through to your skull. Your only desirable trait is Ophelia and fear she will soon start bleeding from the ears.

Whoop-di-douche: Scrote Baio for being the 64,000 Dollar Question: how many head lice can live under a fez?

Vin Douchal: Scrote Baio delivers. Bad tatts and questionable “Question Wear” combined with a cutie that if fouled by this guy may as well move to a disease ridden, famine region in Africa to find a doctor with a cure.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Got a Tweet from the spunk dangling from Scrote Baio’s nose. Says he’s voting for the Baiobag. Who am I to doubt the wisdom of Douche Drippings? Scrote Baio and his sentient splooge FTW.

WillieWonkadouche: I’m just thankful that’s Jesus’ eyes are covered by Scrote Baio’s club wristband so that he doesn’t have to witness to the ridiculous Riddler hat. Baio FTW.

2Douchetacular: Scrote Baio!!! Because nothing says I’m unique, like a bull nosed flower tatted ear pulley joker douche like you my snowy barkley……

Mr. Biggs: Scrote Baio all the way. His doe in the headlights look belies a douchery so advanced, he must think his get up is perfectly normal casual attire. For that we must honor him for his extra-mile effort. And fish-slap him with just enough force to transfer a bit of the slap to Ophelia there. Because we must warn her, but not get her to a nunnery.

Double Bock: Scrote Baio FTW because thinking of him with Ophelia makes me want to punch kittens. Besides, anyone that takes fashion advice from Matthew Lesko deserves a weekly.

Pope Belligerent I: While the appeal of the Gangsta Butler is undeniably powerful, I will always throw my vote behind a douche wearing a hat over a bandanna. And if that hat has Riddler-style question marks all over it, as if to ask the world “how much head protection does one douche need?”, then in my mind this isn’t even a contest. Plus, Ophelia is as delicious as Scrote Baio is groin-meltingly awful.

Excellent esoterica in the comments threads this week, props to all for bringing appropriately strange references to this pic. It deserved it. But a very close second place, Vanilla Putz brought the suburban wigga voters out in force:

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Vanilla FTW! I’ve never wanted to beat a guy to death with his own butler and then beat the butler to death but now I can! Scote Baio is harmless and has no butler. Poor HPC looks like a stiff breeze would knock him over but he does have the Amazonian hott but no butler.

Wherami: Vanilla Putz: Not just another white boy that is going to peek at 18 and be serving you at the nearest Waffle House and telling you how once he was on this website and he WAS somebody…

Troy Tempest: My cat squeezes out stanky turds with more brains than this putz. Vanilla Putz FTW.

MISS KITTY: My vote is Vanilla Putz, simply because in his pubescent stupidity, he takes his shirt off to show a really pathetic set of abs. Then, the butler photo just kicks it in the clutch, further exemplifying his sad sad physique. His butler looks better than him. No, they both suck. And the place is just filthy, they obviously take turns beating the dog and pissing all over the floor.

Douchemockracy: Vanilla Putz FTW (but all props to Crucial for the Scrote Baio tag). VP has many many years in which to perfect the fine art of douchiness (just look at him now – he’s already off to a flying start). I shudder to think what this uberchoad will look like once his balls have dropped in 5 years time. And I like his hott. A lott.

Well said, panel. But lets not forget Homeless Phil Collins, who found his Genesis with some voters. Yeah, I just made a Genesis joke:

CeeGee: The Homeless Phil Collins’ disturbing smirk and ab reveal provoked much more rage from me than the harmless Vanilla Putz and Scrote Baio. I mean, look at Baio. He almost smiles there. So yeah. Homeless Phil Collins FTW this week.

Sergeant Scrote Stain: I’m punching my ticket for the dishonorable Phil Collins for two semi-coherent reasons. A) Ab reveal, possibly the most unifying douche move in existence. B) His hott is 11 feet tall. I have long dreamed of an erotic encounter with an Amazon Princess, and this bucket of duck butter has forever tainted that epic vision. What a selfish putz. Phil Collins FTW. And by, “FTW,” I mean, “please die immediately.”

Mmm… Amazonian princesses. We should not forget how potently toxic the ab reveal remains. But this is Scrote Baio and Ophelia’s turn to Zapp into the monthly. Lets let MoeDouche take us home:

Scrote Baio FTW!

Scrote Baio has the wholesome hottie and that idiot “?” hat and mandana ensemble. Yeah, DB that’s the question: “Why is that sweet hottie standing next to poop?” He tops it all off with primitive amazonian earrings and a c*k ring attached to his nose. Let’s not forget the one-arm tats. This scrote is one of a kind!

I couldn’t agree more, M.D., and props to everyone for bringing serious A-Game pop culture references and critiques. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. See Baio and O in the monthly, where they will get destroyed by Smoot.

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Brett Favre

If we define the douchebag as the preening narcissist who turns himself into a spectacle to attract attention, than who better to earn an honorary Douchebag of the Month than the clown prince of football, Brett Favre?

This oafish yoyo has come out of retirement yet again, simply to see headlines about himself coming out of retirement yet again.

Whether you’re a fan of football or not, this self-important preening narcissist spends the better part of each year making sure his ass is suitably kissed by football fans, talk show hosts and media the world over.

He has retired and unretired more times than a porn star late on car payments, proving not only that his massive ego needs constant placation, but that the sport itself is secondary to the desire to see his name endlessly trumpeted on TV and radio.

Since personifying the faux-humble jockbag that Mary dated in There’s Something About Mary in 1998, Favre hasn’t just forced us to reverse the “r” and “v” when we pronounce his name. He’s forced us to pay attention to his unquenchable need to be talked about. Constantly. To have the world kiss his ass on a yearly basis with “will he or won’t he” stories for almost a decade straight.

“Attention Whore” doesn’t begin to cover it. He makes Perez Hilton look like J.D. Salinger.

Suck it, Favre. You lead the douche league in interceptions, stubbley chin hair and self worship. Even when your father died, you turned it into a spectacle about yourself playing a freaking game rather than mourning with your family. This makes you a massive pile of douche water.

Take your Levis and your chin hair and your false small-town good ole’ boy performances and stuff ’em up your ass. The fact I have to listen to another year about your sorry ass “retiring” makes me want to throw an interception made out of monkey feces and spittle.

Get the hell off my teevee and never come back.

Patrick Bugman

Patrick Bugman’s grandparents shortened his last name from “Bugmintzsky” after arriving at Ellis Island in the 1920s.

Where the presiding immigration officer proclaimed the family “incredibly Eurodouchey.”

Ask DB1: Are all Tatts Douchey?

—-
my humble narrator-

— american bagger
—-

Good question, A.B. This brings us back to the conceptual tagging of adouchrements as we saw in last week’s car discussion. How abstract can we go in conceptually placing a category or item as douche?

My first instinct is to resist too broad a douchal categorization. For it is in the specific use of iconography, myth, signifier and item that douchery is created. Therefore tatts are not inherently douchey, by definition.

But the overt display of tatts, done as masculine proving ground and predicated on the notion of spectacle to attract the boobie hottie, always is.

Caption This Pic

Coach Hardy: “Ladies? Get out there… and win one for my zipper.”

Boba’s Fête

Impressive: Carrying a cutie like a sack of potatoes

Most impressive: Making the “Kissy Lips” while carrying a cutie like a sack of potatoes

But you are not a Jedi yet: Being unable to levitate the Ubiquitous Red Cup while making the “Kissy Lips” while carrying a cutie like a sack of potatoes

Boba's Fête

Impressive: Carrying a cutie like a sack of potatoes

Most impressive: Making the “Kissy Lips” while carrying a cutie like a sack of potatoes

But you are not a Jedi yet: Being unable to levitate the Ubiquitous Red Cup while making the “Kissy Lips” while carrying a cutie like a sack of potatoes

HCwDB After Dark

Come on in!! It’s HCwDB After Dark. The water’s fine.

Grab a Heineken. And one of those tasty mini quiches I had my ‘tard servant, Mongo, cook up in the solar fryer.

The ladies are in sexy black bikinis and, to honor Mongo, are practicing their own version of ‘Tard Face. Judging by my peeper reaction, natural selection prefers boobies to brains.

It’s HCwDB After Dark.

Where the hotts are confused and the douches suffer from “Young Keith Richards Face.”