Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Caleb and Courtney’s Ass Pear

We don’t usually feature a lot of the southern redneck bar-crawling girl branding douchebags on the site. It’s time we do.

Branding your girl’s ass with your name? In cursive? Especially a southern peach whose plums are nectarinely tangelloed? Who’s ass is peared?

Redneck douche.

Laugh it up, Oldbag. She’s still cheating on you with the kitchen help.

And stop using the Aids Quilt as pants.

Caleb and Courtney's Ass Pear

We don’t usually feature a lot of the southern redneck bar-crawling girl branding douchebags on the site. It’s time we do.

Branding your girl’s ass with your name? In cursive? Especially a southern peach whose plums are nectarinely tangelloed? Who’s ass is peared?

Redneck douche.

Laugh it up, Oldbag. She’s still cheating on you with the kitchen help.

And stop using the Aids Quilt as pants.

Rufus Veinwright

Rufus is such a happy ‘bag, I almost want to give him a nottadouche. Almost.

But then I smacked myself in the face with a fungal covered coosh ball for even considering such a ludicrous notion.

Douche.

For his faux and ‘tude and Jesus bling and wristdanna are markers of schroad too ubershlorty to ignore. Yeah, I just wrote “markers of schroad too ubershlorty to ignore.” Suck on that, Homi Bhabha.

Blondie is trashy, Bleethy and unrecoverably douchebaguette. But it’s Monday, and she’s gnawable in all the right places, so I’m going with it.

Smoot Voted

Two weeks ago HCwDB of the Week winner Smoot just voted in this week’s Weekly.

Smoot also wanted to remind everyone to make sure you go for a Scoliosis Check at least once a year before hitting on slutty beach hotts.

This important P.S.A. brought to you by People for the Douchical Treatment of Hottsicles.

Yeah, not the most creative joke. I blame the Mr. Pibb.

HCwDB of the Week

Last week featured the legendary reappearance of Donkey Douche to tell us “nobodys” off. But there were also some significant entries in hottie/douchey deconstruction. Which of these three pics contains the right unholy swirl of taint and boobie to warrant elevation (descent) to call itself HCwDB of the Week?

I can’t make that determination without your vote. Here’s yours finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Vanilla Putz

Has there been a pic on the site recently that more encapsulates the glazed, white suburban “thugz” look than in this slice of barely post-pudescent housechoad? I think not.

On the flip side, Irene is curvy senior year barely-18 goodness. At least I hope she’s 18. Otherwise, my cerebellum is going to jail for boobie thoughtcrime.

But why I selected this entry for the Weekly was due to one simple reason: gangsta butler.

It’s like Gerard Butler, only without the awkward romantic comedy mid-career transition.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Scrote Baio

Props to Crucial Head for winning the Tag this ‘Bag contest, as Scrote Baio brings his Zapped powers to corral Ophelia with his goofy spew.

Scrote Baio is 25 and douchey.

But how to describe Baio’s clown show? Is this some bizarro mix-and-match of post-punk insignias merging with emo dressup? Or just some dude with a confused sense of Halloween?

What’s clear is Ophelia’s girl next door goodness, wholesomeness and slightly arty attitude.

She’s going to Cornell, but she doesn’t want to talk about it so stop asking.

And she thinks urban skyscrapers are phallus substitutes for sexually frustrated men. Which, of course, they are.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Homeless Phil Collins

The second pic featuring ab revealing doucheclownery in our contest this week.

And because 1980s Phil Collins references never fail to crack me up.

And Cindy is not getting the appreciation she deserves. She is southern party girl sweetness. Sure she’ll divorce you after the kids, she drives American only and shops at Target and CostCo. And sure she thinks Applebees is a “quality night out.”

But her giggle is mellifluous.

So you put up with the rest.

Velvet Flog got too many “nottadouche” passes in the comments threads to be a finalist, despite his uberhott brunette.

Lake Dickheadus and Image ‘Tard and the hairsplosion of Spike or Faux also just missed the cut.

So them’s your three. As the DB1 gets a coffee and recovers from his ill advised “Pizza and PBR” Sunday night, it’s your turn.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Reader Mail: Delena Learns Her Lesson

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Hey Db1,
Your site is the Douchebag Mecca of the World!

Delena H
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This email is a sign of cultural progress. I think.

Vanilla Putz

What does Vanilla Putz do immediately after his lazy, listless, bored photo-op with Irene is over?

Why, call over his gangsta butler, of course.

Because Vanilla Putz is out of brie.

Your Saturday Upchuck: Cheeto Man

Cheeto Man scares babies and small woodland creatures.

Cheeto Man causes sterility in lamb fries and hypothermia in arctic seals.

But, amazingly, Cheeto Man does not scare Suburban Party Girls.

EDIT: To respond to questions in the thread, it is true that normally I dismiss Gaybags from the site without ridicule, since gaybags, douchey or not, pose no genuine threat to the hott. However in Cheeto Man’s case, the orange is so God damn ‘tardtastic, it deserves mock regardless.

Meatheads

Meatheads… Meatheads…
Super douchey Meatheads…
Meatheads… Bleeth heads…
nuke ’em all… boom.

Friday Thoughts and Links

On this muggy Friday, I ruminate and my thoughts on the pervasive influence of pop culture turn to the movies. There’s certain important life lessons we can take away from the movies.

Like in Swingers, we learned that you can be a depressive, overweight, whiny drip, and eventually you’ll find Heather Graham sitting alone at a bar just waiting to talk to you.

Or the important lesson from Field of Dreams, in which accidentally causing your daughter to choke on a hot dog can save your house and bring back the idealism of the 1960s.

Or the vital message we learned in Groundhog Day, which is that manipulating rubes takes repetition and focus.

Or, more recently, in Transformers II, we learned that Attention Deficit Disorder is a… whoa, cool! 1950s racist stereotype Amos n’ Andy robots! Makes Jar-Jar look positively progressive.

Here’s your movie inspired Friday links:

The Wilhelm Scream. Enlivening action scenes via sound library for over 30 years.

Deadspin catches baseball putz Josh Hamilton scroting it up in public, shirtless, tatted up and hittin’ on the hotts.

This dude plays the ladies. Literally.

Young Jennifer Connelly, at the height of her perfect boobed perfection, rides the horsey. (starts at 1:45 after a gawdawful early 90s rollerskating montage)

File under obvious: John Mayer’s douchepad was designed by Giorgio Armani.

Douchebags as Installation Art. In Oslo, no less.

It’s been eleven years since Saving Private Ryan came out, and I still can’t forget old Private Ryan’s grandaughter’s fantastic breasteses. (perking up at :30) Those breasts honor the memory of our fallen.

And on that note, I give you Ass Pear.

Go forth and multiply, friends. For the weekend is upon us.