Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Ole’ Billy Baroo

Billy’s a solid stage-2 Suburban Douche, with the classic telltale schlong-n-balls Mark of the ‘Bag on the forehead, rayon shirt from the Boys II Men collection of 1994, and thousand yard stare.

Francine and Stacey are classing up the place with mod haircuts and elegant dresses.

Little do they know, Billy’s about to get drunk and puke in the Porsche.

The Ole' Billy Baroo

Billy’s a solid stage-2 Suburban Douche, with the classic telltale schlong-n-balls Mark of the ‘Bag on the forehead, rayon shirt from the Boys II Men collection of 1994, and thousand yard stare.

Francine and Stacey are classing up the place with mod haircuts and elegant dresses.

Little do they know, Billy’s about to get drunk and puke in the Porsche.

Caption This Pic

“Playboy tatted abs taste just like chicken!” promised Tony to Katherine.

The Hipsterbag

In case you’d forgotten what one looks like, since it’s been awhile since we featured one here at HCwDB, lets not forget this primary ‘bag tagging category.

From Williamsburg to Silverlake.

From Austin to the Mission.

The Hipsterbag scrotes on the ladies with slackerbag impunity. And annoying references to the lyrics of The Decemberists.

Blackhawks Up

Looks like everyone’s doing the Brothabag Mason Fraux these days. This is a troubling trend that warrants monitoring.

Like when white boys began getting flat tops back in the late 80s.

Brothabag Mason Demands a Recount

Brothabag Mason is not happy about losing the HCwDB of the Week to that pansy-ass suburbanite, Shiny Head Sheldon.

After all the work Brothabag Mason did in perfecting the Fraux, he’s pissed.

So, along with his team of sexy-trashy Vegas Girls, he’s brought an unlikely ally. Tex. The Enforcer. Gettin’ ‘er dun since 1998.

To make sure the election goes Brothabag Mason’s way. Ahmadinejad / Karzai style.

HCwDB of the Week: Shiny Head Sheldon and Sienna

In one of the closest votings in awhile, Shiny Head Sheldon and Tiny Sienna took the prize for bringing true Long Island HCwDB into the mix. The voters speak:

Willy: Sheldon looks like an uberdouche that used to work for me. We called him ‘Cheese Whiz’. Verisimilitude demands that I vote for The Shiny Head. And Tiny Little Sienna’s hair spells out ‘sexy’. Yes you are.

sir douchealot: Shiny FTW. His face looks like a baboon’s asshole after eating too many stink bugs.

Douche Springsteen: Tiny Little Sienna (whom I nominate for the Hall of Hott) is one of the choicest specimens I’ve seen on this site in awhile and to see her in the clutches of the doppelganger of the biggest douche from my high school makes me a sad panda.

Anonymous: SH Sheldon gets my vote. The mark of the douche is emblazoned upon his forehead set off with spiked hair and over sized ear bling. Sienna is paralyzed with fear being so close to the scummy douche slime, overwhelmed by the stench of the cologne and the inescapable greasy residue.

Crucial Head: I will cast my vote in favor of Sheldon. Brothabag had almost swayed my voting hand, but his bleeth has convinced my loins that she wasn’t Weekly material.

Troy Tempest: Spiky hair, shirt open to sternum, crappy bling… But it’s the smug look of assumed superiority, entitlement and utter rank fuckheadedness that smacks Sheldon out of the park, but what makes it all go orbital is Sienna- sweet delicate gamine Sienna. She doesn’t have a bleethy bone in her body. Her eyes betray a sense of “WTF is goign on here?” as Sheldon presses her into his side. She smiles, but not convincingly.

The Donger: Sheldon’s head grease could solve the energy supply crisis in several states by using it to burn for fuel. Of course, I would light it while it was still on his head. SH Sheldon FTW (and Sienna for Hall of Hott.)

Alex: SHS ftw. Siena is by far the hottest hott and Sheldon has three things putting him over the top: 1. stupid smirk, 2. Superman necklace, 3. reverse farmer’s tan

pencil dick: Shiny head sheldon because rita did her makeup in front of his forehead in the JC penny fitting room….shortly before he casually walked out with that shirt on as if it was his own.

pv1: I vote Sheldon only because his hot makes my geeky pee-pee do the geeky dance. Yeah…

Southern Scrotic: By measure of Hot Chicks, Sienna crushes with her doe-eyed innocence. Her paring with Sheldon makes me want to level the thirty ought six at Bambi and go all Rambo.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: Bourgeois-douche Sheldon FTW.

Sheldon brought the everyday ‘baggery in service of hott mugging, and the voters properly responded. He deserves to be called Douchebag of the Week. And Sienna deserves Hott of the Week. Coming in a close second, the multiculturalist douchery of Brothabag Mason:

Anonymous: Brothabag Mason has the hottest hott. And is Fraux combined with douchescowl is infuriating. Brothabag Mason FTW.

YodaDouche: At the risk of annoying the trolls, Brothabag Mason it is. For douchey he is and douchey he shall always be. Try? There is no try. There is only douchebag.

MoeDouche: Come on folks. Let the Brotha win! He brought his D-cups to the weekly fight. That must count for something. Doesn’t it?

Filthy McBaggin’: Like the colossal Brothabags Leon and King Douchous before him, Mason Brings the poo and he brings it hard. This is who he is. Everyday. The Fro Faux is a conscious choice, and one that can not be undone the way one can button a shirt to it’s appropriate level, or unpop a collar.

LlammærA: HAWWk! Sm0kedaddië5 BAcK ön_thIs STëPCHiLë..H0Y SHELT0N U gæy?!?-OI-Gømm ManÇæck smörkin liëk it was A cörnDøg—umm RægëTOWNE!!!suckit dowwnn hepstækk

Uhm, yeah. What LlammærA said. Well said, ‘Bag Hunters United. And in a close third, Punchy McGee:

Baron Von Goolo: Punchy gets my vote, just for having the wherewithal to raid Deee-Lite’s wardrobe trailer.

John Douche Passos: Punchy. If there were a god, he would never allow two such beautiful women to come within a country mile of such a disposable douche.

OldDog: Casa la Douche throws it votes to “Punchy McGee”. The man, the plan, the festering canal.

Doucho Marx: Punchy, FTW. His visage has so much wrong with it, and the fact that Karla is staring at him with such adoration, I now want to punch a yodeler in the throat until he sounds like Tom Verlaine.

True, Doucho Marx, the Yodelers deserve punching. And coming in a solid fourth, the whiny-ass and absentee Beach Troll:

Satrian: My vote would go to the Beach Troll… specially after that sorry scrotal excuse for a person made me puke my dinner immediately after watching the “wall hump” stunt he performs in his “singing” video. But hey… we may have found yet another doucheteristic, “whinyness”.

Anonymous: I vote The Beach Troll, in absentia. Come on, did you guys see the video? He makes a mockery out of anyone else pretending to the throne of this weekly.

Count Douchekevitch: Write-in for the beach troll, whose pubes + pubescent-ness + grease still haunt me.

I agree that had I not gotten four emails over Labor Day whining for me to take down his pics so as not to hurt his “business,” the Beach Troll would’ve run away with the Weekly and possibly the Monthly. (sigh).

But SHS and Sienna are worthy winners for bringing in proper HCwDB dialectic. A true douche and a sweet, innocent hot girl. Crushed together. Lets turn it over to Mike to take us home:

Shiny Head Sheldon. He comes directly from the lineage of every rich douchebag villain in every Eighties teen movie ever made. He leers because he knows the roofies are about to kick in. He wears the white shirt three sizes too large because, I don’t know why he wears the white shirt three sizes too large, but shit, dude, you could at least have ironed that motherf&cker.

SHS is very much of the James Spader in “Pretty In Pink” mold of douchebaggery, and for that, we mark him Weekly. Sienna makes my happy heart feel bippity. Together, they are poo.

Excellent work as always, panel. You’ve done good. We’ll see SHS and Sienna in the Monthly.

HCwDB After Dark

Come on in!!

Throw on a smoking jacket. Have some hypothetical argula and goat cheese served on a ‘baguette.

Quirky douche-face is on the menu.

As are tasty Euroblonde.

Kick back on the plush sofa. Grab a cocktail! Heck, grab a cocktail waitress.

It’s HCwDB After Dark, folks. Late night mocking and boobies.

Reader Mail: PPL need to get livess

The girl in this morning’s post, Polly, comments in the comments thread:

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seriousllyyy ppl need to get livess… like really all yoouuu ppl commenting this shittt either don’t have lives.. gf’s or are complete f&cking losersss to sit on your computerr all dayyy and critice ppl who probably look ten million timess better thenn youuu dooo; thiss website is a jokeee like really hahahah not that funnyy…. o you find it commicalll to laugh at ppls flawss when you have a million of your ownnn… your guys are just madd becasuee guys he’s probably hotter then you and the girl is probably hotter then any of the chicks you bangg and girlsss don’t hate becasuee you wish you had himm or becasue she is prettierr seriouslyy grow the f&ck and get a lifeeeee k thankssss
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This post has inspired me. Later tonight, I’m gonna rent Sweet Sweetback’s Badasssss Song.

Ask DB1: Blaming the Bleeth?

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Dear DB1,

– John from Vegas
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This theory presumes individuals acting with independent agency outside of the cultural latticework of social meaning. Market based “product,” brand name as sexual signifier, does not exist without generating cultural capital, as Bourdieu might argue.

Neither the hotts nor the douchebags are individually to blame for this circulation of Ed-Hardyesque craptastic cultural disgrace. Therefore, we mock them for their douchey ways as a form of collective response. By rendering this framework visible here at HCwDB, we challenge hierarchy. For when the overpriced product is marked as ludicrous rather than sexually validating, systemic poo will be flushed.

We must locate the cycle of hottie/douchey reinforcement not at the individual level, but as a broader series of social currency exchanges by which the act of sexual selection is informed by the market system.