Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Douche Kits at the Palms

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Enjoy!
– Palm Sunday
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This is a new trend that warrants monitoring. Like the crack dealer giving out “free samples” to school kids, The free Douche Kit is the new indoctrination method. I received this in a bag at Urban Outfitters after restocking my supply of hilarious mugs a few weeks ago. Unacceptable.

Polly has a Secret

Can you guess what it is in the comments thread?

EDIT: Yeah, this setup has no punchline. I’m winging it this morning. So to make up for it, here’s some Wednesday Ass Pear.

Incurring the Wrath of an Angry God

That reminds me.

Now that I’m back in L.A., did I remember to incur the wrath of an angry and jealous God?

I’m talking fires. Mudslides. Earthquakes. John Mayer douche-face. Surely the God of Abraham, Isaac Mizrahi and Marc Jacobs has had quite enough of civilization’s indulgences.

The Big Kahuna in the sky sees this pic and toys with the notion of a second flood. And can we blame him?

Or, like Lot before me, can I appeal to God’s appreciation for boobie hottie suckle thigh? Can I save Los Angeles from the the spreading dangers of Paris Hilton petri crotch, Jeremy Piven’s toupee achieving self awareness and starting WWIII, and Mylie Cyrus’s achy breaky future role as the leader of Generation Zombieland?

Yup. I’m makin’ no sense. I’m gettin’ a coffee.

Vacancy: Single Headroom for Rent

Speaking of lifeless zombie expressions, this Headspace just came on the market.

Unused. Like new. Lots of space.

Blonde Bonnie is thinking of switching realtors.

“Guy Faux Day”

Clearly the students visiting England from Arizona State did not quite grasp the concept of Guy Fawkes Day.

"Guy Faux Day"

Clearly the students visiting England from Arizona State did not quite grasp the concept of Guy Fawkes Day.

Fish Slap Slaps Smoot

HCwDB legend Fish Slap laughs at Smoot.

“Until you win HCwDB of the Year, your lifeless facial expression in presence of a boobie hottie is as complex as the bottom of my recently sagging six-pack star tatt.” says ‘Slap.

Smoot Voted

Smoot and Crystal just voted in the HCwDB of the Week.

And then Smoot laughs at each of the three wannabe contenders. For none have the power of Smoot.

And by “laughs,” I mean shows no facial expression or any sign of higher consciousness whatsoever.

HCwDB of the Week

Dust off your parkas. Fire up your George Foreman Grill. The Labor Day weekend is over. There are ‘bags to be derided and suckle thighs to be ogled.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Shiny Head Sheldon

Although this coupling ran only a few days ago, during the ebb of Labor Day Weekend, something about it strikes me as Weekly deserving.

Maybe it’s SHS’s sheeny forehead and smug douche-smirk.

Maybe the unbuttoned shirt, the too much bling and awkward lime fondle.

But mostly it’s Tiny Little Sienna. Her awkward smile betrays the fear that she’s chosen poorly on her Friday night.

And that is the essence of the narrative of HCwDB, personified in their two divergent facial expressions.

Take a good look. For while this coupling is less garish and over the top, this is true HCwDB taint choad.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Punchy McGee

Punchy is your classic Frat Clown using a crypto-gay look to score with the ladies via what we can euphemistically call the “back door strategy.”

Karla and Marla are enamored with his giant pink popp, fwippy hair and ringlet of chin pubes.

Well, Karla is.

Not sure if Marla thinks he’s “adorable” or wants to smack him with a frying pan.

Lets hope it’s the latter.

For bringing back the Pink Pop of 2007, and for two sexy cute Sorority Girls, Punchy makes the Finals.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Brothabag Mason

Brothabag Mason earns his slot in the Weekly on the power of the new douchal innovation: Fro Faux.

Also known as “Fraux,” “Brohawk” and “Blackhawk Up.”

But it’s Mason’s thousand yard stare that sends him careening into true scrotitude.

Shawna’s yawning boredom and large gazangahoos render her a Bleeth who invokes the “douchadox.” Both sexy as well as annoying, by which your humble narrator would be forced to give extended considerations to.

And by considerations, I mean awkward backrub fondling using only melted M&Ms, dried frog skins and a powdered wig taken off the corpse of a 19th Century British barrister.

Sadly, a whiny Beach Troll sent me numerous emails all weekend asking for his pics to be taken down, so he’s out. Others who missed the cut include Gangsta Marilyn and Jacqueline and the Beanstalk.

So them’s your three.

Which coupling rises to the top/bottom to call itself HCwDB of the Week?

Do me a solid and vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Brothabag Leon says “Happy Labor Day!”

HCwDB Legend Brothabag Leon, his six pound watch, his 40 degree Douche Hat Tilt, and his Sexy Brazilian Girl wanted to stop by and say Happy Labor Day.

I quote the great Brothabag Leon’s immortal MySpace text:

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Please pray for me. I had a check up today and I tested positive for SEXY. Im allergic to HATERS, My blood type is ROCKSTAR & the doctor said “THIS IS WHY IM HOT” IF U SCOPING MY PAGE, REQUEST ME, TOP FRIEND ME, AND ENJOY” NO GAY REQUESTS I LOVE STRICTLY WOMEN”
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My life’s work will not be fully accomplished until this is listed in Bartlett’s Quotations.

Regular postings resume tomorrow.