Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Awkwardbag

Every so often, we stumble across a douche who isn’t quite comfortable in his own skin. And by skin, I mean pink bandanas on the wrist.

When the Persian party girls are doing the faux lesbian kissing thing and the camera’s snapping, and the goofy face comes out, you know we’re seeing an Awkwardbag in action.

One who hasn’t fully committed to douche-sneer. But his friend with the faux-head? Superdouche.

Caption This Pic

When Becky and Frank found the dead Douche Buddha, they knew the gods had turned on them once and for all. So Frank’s friend, Bobby, brought over some Miller Lite.

Generic Lars

Lars has every element of generic doucherism. Which is to say not only is he a douche, but he isn’t even an original douche.

And yes, I give points for originality in douchosity, even as I mock it.

The frost tips. The standard issue tribal arm tatt. The inexplicable shirtlessness in a bar. The bling. The doucheface.

Patricia is soft and slender and dazzled by Lars’s generic douchitude. Little does she know, he’s a carbon copy of a shadow of an imprint of spectral taint.

Douchebag Mike is as Black as Lil’ Wayne

Douchebag Mike quotes Lil’ Wayne on his Facebook page, with tweaks:

—-
“Don’t worry bout mine,
I’mma grind till I get it
And tell all of my niggas that the sky is the limit,
The sky is the limit.
.Buck Ten in the coupe, and your bitch love it,
Switching lane faster than she switch subjects.
.speeding down the highway gangsta lean.
116 full steam know what i mean.
b*tches on jock cuz my flow is hot
And they spot tha watch filled with rocks
From a block huh
When the light hit
Strictly fish scale
f&ck that light sh!t
I nodge out tha garage double pipe sh!t
On Rodeo like hey yo ma
I kno u likes this ha
.capital M capital I capital K capital E. Wat yall know about G-4s
SL’s with automatic doors ha
Flow sick
No sh*t
Row 6
Head crack
Walk tha street with my chain out the front.”
—-

Suburban Gangsta 4 Eva, Mike. You are black and you’re proud. And by black, I mean a very strange shade of pink.

Douchebag Mike is as Black as Lil' Wayne

Douchebag Mike quotes Lil’ Wayne on his Facebook page, with tweaks:

—-
“Don’t worry bout mine,
I’mma grind till I get it
And tell all of my niggas that the sky is the limit,
The sky is the limit.
.Buck Ten in the coupe, and your bitch love it,
Switching lane faster than she switch subjects.
.speeding down the highway gangsta lean.
116 full steam know what i mean.
b*tches on jock cuz my flow is hot
And they spot tha watch filled with rocks
From a block huh
When the light hit
Strictly fish scale
f&ck that light sh!t
I nodge out tha garage double pipe sh!t
On Rodeo like hey yo ma
I kno u likes this ha
.capital M capital I capital K capital E. Wat yall know about G-4s
SL’s with automatic doors ha
Flow sick
No sh*t
Row 6
Head crack
Walk tha street with my chain out the front.”
—-

Suburban Gangsta 4 Eva, Mike. You are black and you’re proud. And by black, I mean a very strange shade of pink.

Zombieland II: Night of the Hand Gestures

I’mma let Zombieland finish, but Dawn of the Dead (original) is the best zombie movie of all time.

Okay, that Kanye joke got tired fast.

Mmm… Musical Cleavite.

In Defense of Frats

Frat Five Freddy writes in:

—-
Good morning DB1.

-Cheers,
— Frat Five Freddy
—-

Defending frats with evidence of douchery in frats doesn’t really build a strong case, FFF. But I hear your point. Delta House was a frat, and they, of course, set the standard for comedy greatness.

I hereby declare the law of fratbaggery to be non-inversenal. Simply being in a Frat does not make one an automatic Fratbag, but it does increase the odds of douchal taint.

Let B = D.B. (douchebag)
Let F= Fraternity

F can = FB or -FB.

However, F increases the likelihood of DB, therefore F increases likelihood of FB in a violate, but not determinate relationship.

Hucky Sheen Votes For Himself

Hucky and Candy are pissed they’re losing attention to Mack the Nozzle in the Weekly.

What’s that, Hucky?

Hucky Sheen: “Yo! I gots sometin’ to say, yo. Alls the people not votin’ for me in the Weekly?”

Yes?

Hucky Sheen: “Anyone hiring?”

HCwDB of the Week

Here’s your Weekly finalists on this, the date of atonement. Because douchebags have much to answer for. Like smelling greasy. And fondling tasty hottsicles.

Here’s your three awaiting vote:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Hucky Sheen

Hucky Sheen came on strong with his “Annoying Tattbag hitting on girl in Creepy Arizona Apartment Complex” game.

Then came Hucky’s appendix attack, bringing either a second tasty lady licker to the game, or Candy #2.

That one-two punch is enough to make Heisenberg revise his Uncertainty Principle to conclude that Hucky is 100% douche.

Yeah, I’ve made Heisenberg jokes before. And I will again. Or will I? You’ll have to open the box to see.

Annoying bling, rings, and serious douche-face. Candy has tight shorts. For that, we celebrate her. Even if she is barely legal.

And on a final note:

Tri-finger rings suck donkey foreskin.

Ew.

Too much for a Monday morning?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Guyliner Gary and Barbie Cara

While most of the 2007-era douchetributes have morphed, Guyliner (aka “Guy Eyeliner”) remains one of the toxic manifests of late 1980s Robert Smith pouty emo retrograde reconfiguration.

But Gary’s tortured emo soul will soon find expression.

As he pours his soul out to Cara in terms of his deep longing to break down gender roles and enforced binaries.

And Gary does that, of course, by getting a lapdance.

Cara brings A-game southern tasty hottness, even if she’s clearly got a stage-2 Bleeth infection.

Her skin is smooth and supple.

I would lightly squirt it with glass plus, and then squeegee it with a rubber aardvark.

Because that’s how I roll.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Mack the Nozzle and Francine

Mack the Nozzle, who both appeared previously on the site as Archie McScrote (h/t Wheezer) and is apparently a contestant on some crap VH1 show, still well earns his place in the Weekly.

Why?

For one thing, clowns on VH1 shows are not celebrities. Therefore they are eligible for the Weekly.

Two, this mugging on Francine is all that this site personifies. She is delightfully pure, and I drink her with my eyes.

And three, your humble narrator has personal issues with the network that calls itself VH1 that will someday be fully explained in another forum. But that’s a story for another day.

Notice pic #2, when Mack the Nozzle Nuzzles. Further pollution. And thirdly, Mack helps you read his tatts with random douchebaguette.

(Dis)honorable mention to Frankie Goes to Parsippany and The Badda Bing Boobs, both of whom just missed the cut. While Mack and Francine appear the favorites to win the HCwDB of the Week, they are no sure thing. Can Guyliner Gary bring the pain to take the win? Or can Hucky use his family name to take the prize?

Vote and atone, as always, in the comments thread.

Criss Angel Douches Across Multiple Artistic Mediums

Not content with sullying the artistry of the performance of magic with his greasy asslickery, uberdouche Criss Angel is now bringing his special talent for taint to rock music.

As if Buckcherry hadn’t done enough. What’s next, Crissbag? Ruining Painting? What other means of artistic expression can you render ludicrous with your unique talent for displaying untalented Ed Hardy narcissistic suck vortex?