Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Guyliner Gary: aka The Guyliner Douche

One of the clearest and most toxic pollutants in the douchebag’s arsenal of whack is the “guyliner.”

Using the Stephen Hawking rule of a folding cosmos, the douche figures that guyliner is so feminine it must wrap around to the other end of the gender binary, becoming uber-masculine. It is logic by way of inversion of gender tropes, by way of a pile of yak poo.

Here we find Gary ready to get in the camera’s “face!”

While Barbie Cara endures a stomach rub.

Later, Gary’s tri-color hair and sensitive eyes will earn him Cara’s true affections, when the lapdance begins.

Grillz on Film

PIC DELETED

Yup, it’s late night HCwDB!

Come on in. The jacuzz is firin’. The s’mores are melting in the microwave.

Grab a PBR! Pull up a chair.

And lets all say a collective “WTF” to this guy. He’s like Lionel Ritchie by way of the Wu Tang by way of an abandoned rest stop outhouse off the I-9 near Scranton.

And Tammy Hott is all sorts of “substitute teacher young mom working on her nursing degree” goodness. Don’t say you wouldn’t. If you do, you’re lying.

Hagarpalooza

The crowd at the Sammy Hagar tribute band reunion, Hagarpalooza, grew restless as they waited for “I Can’t Drive 55.”

Frankie Goes to Parsippany

Relax. Don’t do it.

No, seriously. Don’t.

No one needs to see the fabled “teeth abs reveal.” Not even the Won Sisters.

Now clip off the pigeon turds clinging to the tips of your hair and go order the ladies two Cosmos, before the bouncer gives you a wedgie.

Hair Templeton Voted in the Weekly

Hair Templeton, and his mixed ‘bag Bleethy girlfriend, just cast their votes in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

Last night, after fourteen Trader Joes Hansen’s Sodas, I discovered something profound. I could pee on one leg while humming the theme to Rawhide. It was quite impressive.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Crabs McGee

A toxic pic of scrotal revelation, Crabs McGee and Princess Minnie Von Shtup are visual overload.

Lets run down the list of powerhouse douchosity:

The white glove. The silly hat. The bizarre backpack straps. The greasy groin shave. The Jean Claude Van Damme Doucheface.

And yes, way too much reveal of groinsackery.

Minnie is ethereal otherworldly hotness. The kind that doesn’t exist in nature. Or in college. It only exists at the W Hotel, where you have to buy her at least four drinks while she acts bored and texts her friends. Not that I’m bitter. Looking at you, Allison.

Together, this may be a posed “model” pic, but it is uberHCwDB, and well earns its place in the Weekly.

However there is the question we must ask. Do we really want to see that groinal shave ever again? Maybe not. This may cost Crabs votes.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Blackberry Bob and Abby Licious

A crowd favorite for the double douche move of Blackberry armstrap and pleather watchstrap on Bob, Pamela divided opinion.

Some found her lithe body and taut abs to be celebratory female achievement.

Others found her too skinny and meatless for true objectification.

I tend towards the latter. Pamela is definitely hot, but I like a bit more suckle thigh on my suckle thigh.

That being said, Bob is uberdouche, even on a roof in Calcutta.

HCwDB of the Week: Party Fluffkin

From Friday’s Thoughts and Links, this crotch fondling smug Fratclown has all the markings for Weekly Mock.

But it’s not just writing the boring and dull “I Like to Party” on his shirt.

It’s the first douche-face + crotch-grab move we’ve seen in months. Factor in studded belt, and Party F is all sorts of lameassitudinal.

Audrina also has surprisingly suckleable suckle torso on display, and while she is stage-3 Douchebaguette, there is much to offer by way of her genetic merit.

(Dis)honorable mention to The Redneckbags, who didn’t quite bring enough Southern Douche to make the finals, The Long Island Douche Ferns and the ab revealing Friday Haiku, who just missed the cut.

Them’s your three.

Help a brotha out and vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Sunday Afternoon Scratchings

Your humble narrator is lying around on his rug, enjoying the tasty sugary goodness of a Hostess Cupcake. It is chocolatey.

Los Angeles is steamy. Sweaty. Bright sunlight that hurts the eyes. It smells like hair spray and desperation amongst the palm trees and cactii.

As I muse on this steaming butt taint who’s dived into this mixed-bag pile of Midwestern ladiesfriends, I can’t help but reach an epiphany.

The world needs more Ukulele wall art.

Kidd Panic and Erika Bunny Build a Bar in Utica, NY

I ran a link to this awhile back, but a reader sent it in again and it’s worth another look. Hottie/Douchey Grieco Virus contamination in upstate New York, all in one strange, surreal bar building clip.

And yes. Erika is Douchebaguette. But, on the other hand, boobies.

Your Saturday Pup Tent

Because nothing impresses your hott quite like camping out at a highway rest stop.

Friday Thoughts and Links

And by “party,” he means grab his nads.

There’s probably way too many links for this week, so I’ll forgo my usual ramblings and get straight to the goodstuffs:

Follow your humble narrator on Twitter.

The only sex video you will ever need to see. Big Jim Slade satisfies all. And the capitol of Nebraska is Lincoln.

The reason YouTube was invented. And no, I have no idea who made this, or why.

A reader snapped a pic of my future ex-wife’s car. Figures she’d take me for a Benz.

Young suburbanite Tom O’Connor discovers autotune, becomes a douchebag. As per a comment, this is what it sounds like when doves cry.

A number of other readers are naming their fantasy football teams after HCwDB characters, but This was my favorite. But where’s Matt Stafford and Jeff Reed?

Okay, I’ll admit it. Last night, drunk on Night Train, I found myself attracted to Flo, the Kooky Progressive Insurance Girl. Mock me if you must.

The great charactor actor Henry Gibson passed away this week. Gibson had a role in the coolest movie of all time, and more recently was hilarious in Wedding Crashers. RIP Blues Brother Nazi. “Write the check, Roger!”

Patrixxx wins Douchiest Myspace of the Week. Maybe the Month. Yikes. “Celebrate your success and stand strong when adversity hits, for when the storm clouds come in, the eagles soar while the small birds take cover…”

The University of Virginia, dipped in irony like a chocolate laser beam, tries to defend its douchery. Any state with a Man-assas Junction has problems.

But before we get to our Ass Pear, how’s a little Asspearlepsy to fire up the synapses?

What? Too annoying?

Okay, here ya go: Bite Me Ass Pear.