Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Unclear on the Concept

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Redneckbags

Or, as I’d call this pic in a moment of literary pique, a Confederacy of Dunces.

And a trawlin’ georgia peach.

More Thoughts on Kanye/Taylor

I was surprised by the virulence in the emails at Kanye West’s doucheyness at the VMAs, and it got me thinking.

Why wasn’t I as bothered as most by this silliness? The answer, as with all douchebaggery, lies in the context.

These types of awards shows thrive on unscripted spectacle. It is part of the routine.

Blunders, mistakes, nip slips and strange moments are part and parcel of the scenario that fuels the Perez Hilton media machine. People are so hungry for any unscripted moment of authenticity to break the celeb marionette dance that they’ll take anything they can get. Shouting “you lie!” at presidential speeches or boobies at superbowls.

It is the performativity of douchebaggery as per the environment and search for the TV news cycle, a variation of the Rockstar Leniency Rule. Is it douche? Hell yes. But complaining about this would be like complaining when a fight breaks out at a hockey game. It’s the scripting of the unscripted.

None of this excuses Kanye. He can and does deserve an Honorary Douchebag of the Month for his jackassery. And Taylor Swift is the hottest faux-humble mass-marketed media constructed ingenue since Jewel was pretending to sleep in cars.

Only to remember context, people. These shows seek the spectacle. Kanye, in his own foolish way, was trying to create it. Not excused. But slightly mitigated by context.

RIP Patrick Swayze

A permanent memorial nottadouche (not that there was ever a doubt) to the great Johnny Castle, Bodhi and Wolverine Jed.

RIP.

Crabs McGee

Crabs McGee knew that there was only one thing missing from his pic with the gorgeous heiress, Minnie Von Shtup.

Groin shave.

Ashlee Discovers Oil

Sultry Brunette Ashlee, and her BFF Cindy, just wanted a drink.

Instead, they just received a 30 million dollar exploratory investment from B&P to continue drilling in the Chad Head Forrest.

Caption This Pic

Jeanette knew she’d seen Sydney’s chin pubes before, but couldn’t place which herp clinic they’d been featured in.

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Kanye West

I’m getting a bunch of emails requesting we highlight Kayne West’s douchey behavior towards porn star Taylor Swift at the VMAs last night.

Apparently Kayne interrupted her award speech to announce that Beyonce should’ve won. Which is probably true.

But yeah, I suppose the desperate need for attention and swirly hair earn Kanye an Honorary Douchebag of the Month.

HCwDB of the Week

Your humble narrator, The DB1, is hungover and scruffy. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Pepi Lepsy and Maid Marion

First popping eye in an HCwDB After Dark post, there was an early push by some readers in the threads to grant Pepi Lepsy a “nottadouche”.

No deal!

The Ben-Wa necklace, the creepy chest tat, the chin dribble chin pubes, the d-neck shirt, and the leather wristdanna? = douche.

And what of Marion?

So sweet. So curvy in the hindquarter.

Together, this coupling is more toxic than the sum of their parts.

And by parts, I mean punchable pop-face.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Hurt Licker

Echoing in the grand inglourious HCwDB tradition of the legendary Deathtongue, The Hurt Licker brings club skeeze caught in mid-act.

While the douche signifiers are minimal on H.L., the action is maximal scrote.

And what of Pouty Paula?

Hey hey Paula… I want to rub your kneecaps.

She is sexy and exotic and just annoyed enough by the Hurt Licker to provide hope that she sees through his greasy charms.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Hipsterbag

About time we brought a primal hottie/douchey archetype back into the game.

The Hipsterbag. First detailed in my book, The Hipsterbag is a prime category of alterna-scrote.

While aesthetically dissimilar to the classic Jerz Guid or Long Island Douche, the Hipsterbag brings his own set of tools to the hott macking game.

Hipsterbag bling. Hipsterbag hat. Hipsterbag glasses. Liev Schreiberbag is definitely about Manchurian these candidates.

And while Katie on the left is someone’s mom at the dance, little Leslie on the right is all sorts of pouty hipster-hott goodness.

(Dis)honorable mention to The Wrath, Hair Templeton (whom ‘bag hunter supreme Wheezer caught as a repeat douche from earlier this year), the Ridiculous Don King Douche during the Polly whine, which was a little too “Dress up” and not strong enough on the H.C. side to make it.

So them’s your three.

Which coupling most represents all that we fight against here at HCwDB?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

The Douchiest Video of the Year: “Scooter”

Talentless shouting, loud early 90s techno and a cracked up editor. Close down the voting at the 2009 Douchie Awards. We have a winner.