Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Contextualizing the Six Pound Watch

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DB1,

Respectfully yours,
John Douche Passos
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Fair enough, JDP, but once an object has become denatured as part of douchal echo, it cannot be reclaimed. You must let it go, just as we say goodbye to Grey Goose, even though it is an okay enough vodka based on the quality.

Caption This Pic

Francine knew that after winning the HCwDB of the Month with Mack the Nozzle, the sky was the limit. And by sky, she meant vodka. And by limit, she meant a brief career performing with the goth nightclub act, “Cirque Du Semiemployed”

Mr. Flushy

Remember kids, Mr. Flushy says:

Your toilet brush is a major source of bathroom germs! Be sure to replace it at least once every six months.

The Fingerbag

The sideways peace sign has definitely given way to the “Double Finger” in the ‘bag hand gesture lexicon.

Low Rent Gina Gershon has ‘tude and bling and boobies, and therefore sparrows chirp appreciately in spite of her propensity to torture cattle during shearing season.

Yup.

No idea what I’m saying again.

It was that second bottle of Thunderbird I had at 2pm. I knew I should’ve stopped at one.

The Hoverbag: Finger Edition

We haven’t featured a true Hoverbag on the site in awhile.

A Hoverbag can be anyone, douche or nottadouche, who decides to disrupt the sapphic moment when the ladies get goofy and start performing for a nearby camera.

No one wants to see you, Finger Boy. Get the hell out of the frame.

Although I must say, I did enjoy your performance as the goalie in The Mighty Ducks.

Bethany Hangs With the Bowzer Twins

Because someone’s gotta pay for those Appletinis.

Truckstop Pudwick

Truckstop Pudwick sez:

Poopaloompa may have the orange, but I gots me a superhott to hondle.

That pink lipsticked quality hottness of Shana may just be enough to drag your sorry Ed Hardy mug into the next Weekly, Pudwick.

HCwDB of the Week: The Poopaloompa

Proving that in some cases a super-douchey orangebag can carry wholesome Mary girl next door to the HCwDB prize, the Poopa was not to be deprived.

And by deprived, I mean flushed.

The voters speak:

“Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock: My vote easily goes to The Poopaloompa simply due to the fact that he looks like Nikki Sixx chugged down a vile of Dr. Jekyl’s potion from A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

HusslinHoosier: He is the same color as the engorged tick that I pulled off of my dog’s ear this summer and twice as loathsome. At least birds eat ticks and I like birds.

Publius Choadius Naso: Poopaloompa FTW. Dude looks like the love child of Dwayne Johnson, a generic scene hipster and some f*cked up loaf of overbaked bread from Montana Mills. I think the picture belies the HC’s hawtness. The downturned eyes? She’s sad because the cloud of Axe just hit her. The unfortunate pose? She’s trying to crawl backward into her own skin to get away. She gets the benefit of doubt, here.

Vander: Poompa Loompa FTW because he is wearing a maroon sleeveless T, and that is the LAST douchal attribute you notice!

Tony Ventresca: The orange guy is clearly headed down the Michael Jackson / plastic surgery yellow brick road towards becoming an orange elf. Even the World of Warcraft kids would be horrified by him.

The ‘Baggernaut: He is an orange scrotal taint clone of A.F.I.’s lead singer. I want to scrub his guyliner off with steel wool and kerosine.

Douche Bigalow: Fast forward 20 years and he’s still clad in a cheesy anti-static black smock, shlepping crooked 12 dollar bangs at a Supercuts in Piscataway.

Mr. Scrotato Head: Some have posited that he washed the orange off for the second picture. I contend that he has instead coated himself entirely with Este Lauder Healthy Radiance foundation, Michael Jackson finish. In this fashion he walks in cognito among us, purchasing his Ed Hardy, Gray Goose, and Axe without even a second glance. Well, maybe a second glance, but not a third. All the while spreading his red-orange shaded poo and subverting our receptionists and elementary school car-pool drivers.

Hong Kong Douchey: Poopaloopa all the way. We may have to add an amendment to the HCwDB rules that nominees must be of this planet.

Mike: Poopaloompa coalesced when Blackstone the Magician sat on Criss Angel’s stray ejaculate and was promptly gang raped by Dr. Strange and a Sear’s handbag. This unholy zygote was then placed in a burlap bag and thrown in the nearest river. However, the hapless man thing was discovered by a band of traveling emo gypsies and raised by a Fallout Boy tribute band, known as Sticky Eyebrows. This abomination grew and became strong, and one day got a job in an all-male revue. One day that stripper troupe made it’s way to Omaha, Nebraska; and without need for further explanation, this picture was taken.

Summer’s Eve: But Poopy. *Sigh*. My beloved Orangina, Tang-flavored, guy-linered Ming the Merciless. Even with only an average cute-girl-next-door as his mate, no tatts, no Ed Hardy, no bling (save an earring), no red cup, and a stare that shoots daggers rather than the normal douche blanks, I just can’t leave him be. C’mon: purposefully-poo-colored skin; when else can you have that?

Troy Tempest: He generates so much stink that it coalesces into a simulacrum of a hott that exists only in his mind. And given his narcissism, his vision of dildonic idiocy encompasses the universe. Poopaloompa must be victorious, so we can mock him, endlessly.

Genital Electric: Nature is full of horrifying parasitic relationships, but that doesn’t mean humanity has to be. Poopaloompa, for reminding us that there is much evolution to be done.

Douche Wayne: Poompaloompa FTW. Rather than detract from the work as a whole, the presence of the fresh faced smiling girl-next-door serves to underscore his cartoonish super-villian quality.

Wedgie: No human should be the same color as Hellboy.

Anonymous: The stench from these three is strong enough to peel paint, split atoms and wring tears from corpses. And the stenchiest of them all is Poopa.

Mr. Bungle: He looks like an effeminate character in a bad 70’s kung-fu movie. His hott is not super thigh suckable, but I would rub her down with hot Parkay any day.

Maxim Kovalenko: It’s gotta be the Poo. I like the girl next door type, and the Poopaloompa looks like the product of a rogue nations genetic engineering project to bring down the hegemony of western nations.

Anonymous: If I saw the other two walking towards me on the street, I would give them space. If I saw Poopa coming towards me, I’d run across the street in to oncoming traffic.

Mr. White: I, too, feel like wholesome hott has been under appreciated. The picture shows just a hint of what I’m sure is ample bosom. She is the somewhat matronly R.A. in your freshman college dorm. Perhaps a bit too motherly at such a young age, but still sporting a sexy, plump goodness that draws your eyes to her hourglass shape when she’s walking back from the shower in a towel. She will happily give you chocolate and Ramen noodles when you get strep throat in October, and when you come to her to complain that you’ve awoken several times at 3 a.m. to find your roommate peering down at you from the top bunk, she will respond with all the professionalism one can get from a three-week summer training session in peer counseling.

No jaded mandarins here, nicely done people. The dichotomy between Hott and Choad is what we seek, and although the Poopa doesn’t have traditional hot, the dichotomy is present, and we must give tribute. And by give tribute, I mean flush. Coming in a solid but distant second was the Uncivil War of The Lincoln Log.

Anonymous: Of the three The Lincoln Log is the one I’d like to punch the most

I R A Darth Aggie: Linkin Log FTW. Surrounded by phone-sex operating bleeth, chin-pubs+strap, hand sign, and a plethora of tats seal the deal.

Ol’Bag: Lincoln log, for the win, oh, yeah hey, dude, be sure to top off my coolant, and check my ‘tranny’ fluid, while your at it, I’ll leave a nice comment card for you

RAPETIME: There are some things man is not meant to understand, like the origin of the universe, or what a woman is thinking. So it goes with tattooing one’s arm with a picture of Lincoln.

The Lincoln Tatt is impressive and should be remembered in the Douchiest Tattoo category at the 2009 Douchies. When not competing with superhuman orange, the Log would’ve had a shot. Coming in third, the sadly neglected Latina Hott Gloria and her Etch-a-Head:

skid: Gloria has the boobies I can’t stop looking at. She has the beauty that makes men do anything to be with her. I would do anything to get my face between those boobies, including letting her design my haircut on an etch a sketch.

Dead End: In the never ending battle between quantity and quality, I vote Etch a Scrote FTW over the Lincolin Log. Poopa’s hott is not hot enough to carry my poop filled jock strap.

Anonymous: Gloria ftw. There is no explanation capable of excusing her attraction to etchyhead. This should be
mocked. Poopa should be flushed like the orange goldfish you won at the county fair, which was coincidentally where Poopa works as a carnie. EtchyHead wins with a dreamy hott with the best boobies.

Gloria is dreamlike West Side Story hottitude, and appreciate her we must. But Etch-a-head is just a tool living in Poopa’s shed. Lets let The Chuck Leibowitz Explosion take us home:

OK. So. The Poopaloompa’s companion can scarcely be described as “hot.” This is true, and in keeping with the website’s ordered nomenclature–it is Hot Chicks with Douchebags, after all–he might be penalized.

The Poopaloompa is the HCwDB of the Week. He is the HCwDB of all eternity, and he will greet you at the gates of Hades should you be unlucky enough to replicate any one of his innumerable nocturnal activities.

You had me at “diseased sweet potato,” TCLE. Book the Poopa and Mary in the Monthly, for they have earned it.

And yeah, this was a long-ass post. But the comments thread was epic hilarity, and deserved as many featured on the mainpage as possible. Now, your humble narrator gets some Corn Pops.

Mandanativity + Doggie ‘Bag

Yesterday’s Theory of Mandanativity introduces a new addendum to the formulae:

((s)-h/1rt}/l3(5*)5 * h/awk= ‘b(a>g) + p0/0/

Mandanativity + Doggie 'Bag

Yesterday’s Theory of Mandanativity introduces a new addendum to the formulae:

((s)-h/1rt}/l3(5*)5 * h/awk= ‘b(a>g) + p0/0/