Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

"Flo-Rida" is Mo' Douchey

We’ve talked about the “Rockstar Leniency Rule” (RLR), in which we grant leeway for successful pop and rock stars to dress in douchesque ways, provided it is part of their performative persona.

Some pop culture examples granted RLR have included Neil Young, Beck, Jack White, Tom Petty, George Clinton, Dave Grohl, Rick James, Chris Robinson, Keith Richards, Jay-Z, the Beasties, vintage-era David Lee Roth (1984), the great Mr. T, bands like KISS, wrestlers in the WWE, etc.

Take Prince, for example. According to the rules, the ‘bag signifiers are rampant. But it’s Prince. It’s part of his theatrical identity, and leads to some kick-ass funk. Therefore Prince is granted RLR, at least based on the visual evidence.

Again, this is not to state that these people can’t earn douche status for real world accomplishments. Only that their visual spectacles tie to their on-stage or performative personas, and are thus considered theatrical, and therefore not douchal.

Recent semi-famous one hit wonder rapper, Flo-Rida? Not granted RLR. Not even close.

Douche.

Halloween HCwDB Costumes

If any couples out there are planning to honor HCwDB by dressing up as either generic hottie/douchey plague or as one of our hallowed Hall of Scrote members, be sure to drop me an email with a pic.

Last year the response was overwhelming as I received more than 200 pictures of hilarious mock taint and sexy curvy sucklethigh.

Let there be more Hottie/Douchey Hallows Eve dressups this ‘ere the witching hour.

The Premature O Face

Either that, or OFace is actually a fan of retro 1970s claymation reactions.

‘Baglings, Hottlings and a Brothabag

Seriously, Brothabag Darnell, over there douching it up on the left. You’ve gotta be pushing thirty.

Why hang with the baddest suburban gangstas and girls who hate their dads in 10th Grade at Jefferson High in Phoenix, Arizona?

Was there really nothing good on BET?

Oh, it was a marathon of The Mo’Nique Show?

I see your point.

'Baglings, Hottlings and a Brothabag

Seriously, Brothabag Darnell, over there douching it up on the left. You’ve gotta be pushing thirty.

Why hang with the baddest suburban gangstas and girls who hate their dads in 10th Grade at Jefferson High in Phoenix, Arizona?

Was there really nothing good on BET?

Oh, it was a marathon of The Mo’Nique Show?

I see your point.

Advice From The Sad Meatclown

Sad Meatclown says:

Remember kids, claw-scratch tattoos on your pec tell the Miami Beach Hooch that you are wild AND crazy!

He Molests Snack Cakes

Now, really.

Why would anyone want to do that to a Yodel?

Slurpylips

They said tagging a douche with only kissy lips and hair spike to give him away couldn’t be done.

With one kiss from his hott, we’ve proved them wrong.

The Leatherbag Demands a Recount

In a really nasal voice, and with polite, disinterested respect, The Leatherbag demands a recount in the Weekly.

Sorry, Leatherbag.

You’ll just have to content yourself with Princess Boobies Von Bounce.

HCwDB of the Week: The Cheez and Charleez

In one of the most closely contested Weeklys of all time, The Cheez and Charleez just barely eeked out the win by the power of head grease and glorious Cleavite boobies.

Pic #2, pic #3 and pic #4 completed the victory lap of pigeon poopie. The Voters speak:

“Lesbian Thermos” Ernie Tubesock: For a being that resembles Batista having sex with Where the Wild Things Are!, Cheez is an douche that has been raised to conquer galaxies as evidenced further by his hott of hotts. I bet he smells like a mildewed Gouda and Kathy Bates’ stilettos.

Faceboob: Cheez, there’s no whey I can see this curd getting a free pass. He is cookie cutter douche but he’s still a douche.. And Charleez aka Swiss Miss makes me feel gouda all over. Cheez for the cheddar.

The Donger: Cheeze FTW. The smell of cheese permeates the room with this douche and bleeth combo – him with the gaudy tats, too-tight shirt, and perpetual grimace, and her, probably a yeast infection.

MC 900 Foot Douchebag: The other two are pretty ‘baggy, but you could clean them up easily. The Cheez would have to undergo weeks of painful laser therapy to remove those tats so we know he’s a full on committed douchebag.

kellygirl: I’m going to vote for the Cheez who is definitely a douche to the exponent of scrote. He should save the money he’s going to spend on his next tat and invest it in a few more links for his “gold” chain. Otherwise the lack of blood flow to his head might cause it to… oh, wait, too late….

Rhonda the Boob: My vote goes to Charleez, for her yam bags are nice. They look like two sandwich bags full of pudding with modeling clay stretched thinly over top.

Tony Ventresca: I must choose The Cheez. The pre-human “this is mine!” death-grip he has on the hott is a reminder of our ape origins, and the Final Proof needed by evolutionary scientists (explain him, Creationists, if you can).

Desert Douche: The Cheez & Charleez for the win. Mostly because of his douchey body of work in the other pics. And I’d like to float away on Charleez balloons so to stir up interest in my new reality TV show.

Darth Doucheous: Hi there, I am new here, just posted two or three comments. But if my vote is worth anything, I vote for Cheez.

Your vote is of course worth something, DD, and welcome to the team. Another potent round of linguistic mock, strong work fellow ‘bag hunters and huntresses. Barely coming in second, and nearly taking the prize, The Leathery leatherness of The Leatherbag:

Anonymous: I’ll go with Leatherbag because he has douched it up for half a century. He’s the Brett Favre of the douche world. He also smells of Old Spice and pickles.

Dr. DB: Leatherbag- He’s a modern day Liberace. He strikes anger and amusement at the same time. And there are more hots than the other two finalists. Since I like quantity over quality, I go with Leatherbag.

J Bone: Leather Bag FTW. He’s been douching longer than a prairie dogs shadow and in some towns west of Albuquerque he is known as the OPM (Original Porch Meat).

Roy Rogers Anything that Moves: Leatherbag. Is he simply a long-time dork who came into easy cash in a growth warping culture like Carson City? Or is he simply a long-time douchebag? Either way he’s simply the winner of this weekly, and he’d make a pretty decent saddle.

RAPETIME: LEATHERBAG FTW. You may well ask why. Here’s why: He’s pulling both sweet cowgirl cougary MILFs and their debauched young daughters at an age where no man should reasonably expect to attract either, and (most importantly) none of them appear to be terrified of him. Plus, in all honesty, I’d like to be able to do the same thing at his age. Much respeck, Leatherguy. Much respeck.

Leatherbag should do well in the “Oldbag” category at the 2009 Douchies. And Zombie Gunter and Alyssa also put up a valiant After Hours diner fight:

massengill: As much as I want to vote for Charleez so I can see her pic again in the monthly, this week belongs to Gunter Von Crotchian. His girl is cute (much better looking than the one on the right in Leatherbag’s pic) and, in a week that is filled to the gills with scrote, he is the scrotiest. He’s a rockstar C.H.U.D. with a belt and suspenders, it doesn’t get much worse.

The ‘Bagel: What enrages me the most about him is that he doesn’t look retarded at all, just evil. A self-styled “pickup artist”, obviously. Contrary to The Cheeeeeez, Gunter knows EXACTLY that he looks like a douchebag. He just doesn’t give a damn about it; in fact, he WANTS to look that way. Because wearing all that bling and what, for want of a better word, I’ll call “clothes” is simply a way to pick up chicks.

Fran Langum / Blue Gal: WAIT, is that a handcuff necklace caressing Gunter’s clavicle? Well, that settles it. Gunter FTW.

Doucheterminator: Gunther ist der Überdousche! Not too many words need be used here to justify my pick — just LOOK at the f*cking tool! The zombie stare combined with the smirk is enough to cause me to seek him out and plant my leg knee-deep up his ass…or down his throat. Alyssa’s pick.

Alyssa is glorious real world hotness and Gunter deserved better. And by better, I mean more mocking. But this Weekly was too epic, and only one coupling could rise to the top/bottom of our collective evaluations. Lets let noobbag take us home:

Everybody say Cheez! He is the über douche, scroteus maximus. He has it all and I just want to punch his smug-ass face. And the perfect counter for the 1-2 punch, the hott is Fahrenheit 451 HOT! If only Cheez would ignite on contact with the hott and die in his own grease fire.

Grease fires, Latin and Ray Bradbury references just about sum it up. Book a ticket for The Cheez and tasty Charleez in the Monthly. And your humble narrator needs Corn Pops.