HCwDB of the Week
It’s a short week, but don’t think the upcoming turkey means we don’t have pics to disseminate, congregate and coagulate. One more slot remains open in the HCwDB of the Year. And that slot must be slotted.
Here’s your three:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Cosmobag
For embodying the “urbane” playah, The Cosmobag brings greased up Joey Fatone Old Kid on the Couch game to the Weekly.
Cosmobag is underrated poo, subtler perhaps, but still worthy of Weekly mock.
And Samantha brings uber-librarian boobie hottness that makes Koalas dance the famed Bamboo Dance.
It takes a lot to make Koalas dance.
But Samantha’s goods bring it.
And by bring it, I mean make your humble narrator long to dewey her decimals. She is the gnaw-worthy arm tastitude that makes my psyche ache for the impermanence of life.
And I see you too, tonguey blonde badgirl, Karla. You deserve butt powdering with name-brand butt powder. And I will oblige.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Wretch-a-Sketch
Name courtesy of Baron Von Goolo, the Wretch-a-Sketch, aka “Scribbles,” brings some Blink 180poo tattbaggery, and a lovely Chiquita hott, Jezebel, to the Weekly.
And don’t forget Scribble #2.
The scribbler nature of WaS reminds us of one of the most important catagories on the douchestrological charts:
The Travesty Barker. Fake post-emo punk pseudo rebel “badass” crap.
This may not seem like “douche” in the traditional Jerz/Miami mold. But do not be fooled. It is festering unwashed ball taint.
Mmm… Missus Zebra.
How I would love thy bellybutton with extensive “pooch” noises followed by a deep and pensive reclining with a glass of iced lemonade and a collection of essays by Bertrand Russell.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Mutaint 
Jennifer’s targeted douche tag is one of the rare in-person ‘bag tags submitted by a reader to make it all the way to the Weekly.
Nothing makes me happier than when the ladies write in with their stories of ‘bag mock.
Well, maybe a tall glass of fortified wine after a long day of scratching myself.
But other than that, nothing.
Note the pale/tane discrepancy between Mutaint’s face and arms.
Anyone who thinks this is Halloween dress-up is woefully mistaken. This is real world “game” in action.
Sorry Red Tony, you just didn’t have what it takes to earn a Weekly shot.
So them’s your three, people. I need you. I can’t sit around and eat sugar cereal by my lonesome.
Vote for your pick, as always, in the comments thread.
Wretch-A-Sketch.
and Samantha is Carmella Bing.
BOOBIES!
Library hott for the win, and Cosmobag for the loss.
Those beautiful teal wrapped cans for the win…and the garbage she drags around with her.
red tony for life!
I do love those boobies. This is gonna be close. I have to contemplate a little longer, and by contemplate I mean spanking it.
And by spanking it, I mean spanking it.
While the boobies are powerful, my vote leans more toward the douche this week. It's gotta be Wretch-a-Sketch for the Weekly.
Having multiple tattoos about what a badass you are does not a badass make. Want to scare people with a tattoo? Get a narwhal fucking a unicorn on top of a rainbow. Why? Because you have to have seen some messed up shit to get that tattooed on your body.
Wretch-a-Sketch is powerful, but we cannot underestimate the power of Cosmobag, and the fact that it probably took him over an hour and at least a quart of overpriced hair product to make it look like…he didn't comb his hair.
We also cannot underestimate the power of Hot Nerd Boobs. Never.
Cosmobag and Stacks I Would Like to Fondle in the Library Stacks FTW.
Wretch-A-Sketch
We go for the dichotomy here, and in no place is it any greater than in this picture.
Gotta give it to Mutaint. He may not have the hottest of the hotts, but they are attractive, and he is like the douched out Joker.
What's that? Sophomoric humor related to Batman and the Joker, you say?
Here ya go
Red Tony is douchier than these three combined. Like BHO, I vote "present."
Wretch-a-Sketch FTW. Dude makes me want to power arc my Coco Pebbles all over my monitor.
Scribbles there tattooed his face. Is there really a question who should win this? Wretch-a-Sketch FTW.
TATTOOED! HIS! FACE!
No contest on hott-ness with Samantha. However, from a purely douche-y perspective, Wretch-a-Sketch has so much invested in his douche-ness I can't see how Mutaint competes. The ink, women's sunglasses, tired Ashton cap tilt, pretend gang affiliation represented, the skate slacks, too high tube socks (for Christ's sake). His hottie is ok, but its really all about him. Which I respect in a bizarre way…
Wretch.
There's something about all three of these pictures that makes me want to kill myself. I vote for Pedro.
Methinks Mutaint could possibly be a leftover Halloween pic (oompa-loompa face, kissy lips, the shocker–all the "cliche" signs are there). And I weep for Wretch (translation: no I don't, I'd actually rather drive over him with my car) because not only is he poo, he's unoriginal wannabe rocker-poo.
Samantha's chest, on the other hand, well.. my other hand is rubbing one out right now. I mean DAMN look at those things! Definitely a hot chick (on the left, at least) and definitely an overweight lounge-pud douche smelling of ass grease. Cosmobag FTW–and by FTW I mean Jesus look at that cleavage.
-Bagnonymous
The Mutaint- deflated Muppet.
NEXT
Wretch-A-Sketch- I can't vote for every overly tattoed moron here. Besides, for all this talk of Wretch being "unemployed" or a "trustafarian," the Coney Island Sideshow hasn't had a true Illustrated Man since he died of diabetes more than a decade ago. All Wretch has to do is fill in the blank skin, learn how to hammer a nail through his tongue, and he's got himself a pretty sweet job. However, something tells me he'd still be fired for "personality conflicts."
NEXT
Cosmobag- I worked in a library when I was in college and Samantha is just who I would have wanted to lecture me on the finer points of the DYNIX cataloguing system during my sexually confused young adulthood. Rawrrr.
The Cosmobag reminds me of nothing more than the new box of white Hefty sacks I bought yesterday. And grease. Massive amounts of grease. How Karla could let her tongue anywhere near that baffles me to no end. Maybe it explains why her shirt appears to be melting?
Cosmobag FTW (My own name for him is the Greasetrap, btw. If any of you have ever had to see or clean a restaurant greasetrap, you will understand and vomit.)
The permanence of his doucheness makes this an easy pick for Scribbles. There is no hope for him without major surgery and a lot of pain. But before that he will cause a lot of pain for zebra hots dad. Whom I coincidentally voted for in the weekly on db1's sister site, DOHCWDB (Dads of HCWDB).
Dr. DB
Cosmo.
Because the sheen on her librarian glasses could very well be cosmogrease.
Is there a techy out there who could tell me if Degaussing my monitor will clean this mess up at all?
Ooozzie Smith
Even if her zebra-skin top is fake, Jezebel's boobies are genuine. Those real-life, natural breasts make Samantha's look like outlandish mounds of jiggling excess.
Let's give Scribbles the benefit of the doubt.
He could actually make a positive contribution if he were run over with a commercial roto-tiller, and chopped up into so much compost.
^ If Jezebel's top is real zebra skin, I apologize, and she gets extra credit.
Damn, I love her.
The power of Samantha's cleavage had me in a trance – while in this hypnotic state, I almost cast in for the Cosmobag. Luckily, at the last second I snapped out of it and realized Wretch-a-Sketch is the clear winner.
All that time he spent and pain he endured getting pierced and tatted up like that proves he has dedicated himself to a life of unemployment and dependency. Yes, we taxpayers will be keeping him alive from here on out. This troubles me greatly.
And the lovely Jezebel should know better. I long to whisper original odes to her navel by a lamplight fueled by Wretch-a-Sketch's oil after I pressed him, much like an olive.
W-a-S FTW
AV
The Wretch-a-Sketch is so loathsome I want to punch him through my monitor. Sketch for the win.
The Mutaint isn't in this race at all. Last week's castoff.
On the other hand I have two touch competitors here. On one hand we have Wretch-a-sketch, with the world's worst array of tattoos, lame sideways peace sign, and a look that says, "No, fuck YOU!"
On the other hand is Cosmobag, who is your standard garden variety greasy guido with Jesus bling. What makes him stand out from the crowd are the rack that is nicely displayed on librarian hott's chest.
So, little scribbled troll in the manner of a tattooed Phil Spector, or greaseball with a companion with one of the nicest set of breasticles I've ever seen…
Cosmobag for the win!
Cosmobag FTW
Wretch-a-Sketch is just a f*cking freak. The antithesis of douchebaggery, his body-scribbles are likely meant to be a statement of (retarded) self-expression. They probably repel more bleeths than they attract. This is not the point of douchebaggery.
Cosmobag is trying way too hard, in true douche style. For his troubles he is getting a pseudo-lick with a heaping side order of boobs. When Monday comes, he can strip off his accessories and blend in with the rest of the accounting department.
Wretch-a-Sketch FTW! He looks like the vomit that comes from a leper after eating too much Fruity Pebbles. This dichotomy of monstrosity has to win.
I prefer Count Chocula, Doc.
Well…let's see…The Mutaint has the edge in personifying sheer doughebaggery. I mean: the shitty tats, the overdone skull tee, the shell necklace (combined with the minuscule bling, the glasses and the xenomorphic hairstyle, despite their obvious varied origins, are all led forcefully by the mugging and the ridiculous gesticulation to culmination, forming a paradigm of baggacity. And even though the hotts are not quite on the level with the other two douchebags' prey, the fact that there are three combined with the force of the greasy aura projected by the Mutaint, himself, almost edges out the others for the win. But no….
The Wretch-A-Sketch epitomizes the infuriating pseudo bad ass who broadcasts his rebelliousness in billboard fashion, as if in some way to silence any doubt about his obvious insecurity and cowardice as well as his latent ball-chin tendency. This one goes so far as to provide bulls-eye directions to his nut shelf. The fake cholo outfit, the absurd rakish cant to the hat, and seemingly incongruous gesture of "?peace?" induce gorging acidity to the back of the throat. The beach scene and mocha hott in the unbuttoned stage of disrobing incites sufficient anger to make one want to smash his forehead with a CPU monitor….He almost got my vote…but no.
It was the subtly of the cosmosneer that did it for me….
The Cosmobag is a polluted mass floating barely seen at the surface of bag free society. The casual way in which he fondles Samantha's bookish/suckle-thigh hottness with her love pillows displayed for our knuckle-gnawing yearning, while he and tonguey, more-veteran-despite-her-youth, Karla lead her further down the path to oily Bleethdom. He even tried to spike down his hair plume to cover the mark of the bag. This Veldoucheoraptor is a subtle predator for sure, and, as a warning to the unwary potential bleeth/baguettes out there, his bagishness must be proclaimed. The Cosmobag should not be underrated, he has obviously been flying under the radar for too long!!
My vote: The Cosmobag.
Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel FTW.
He reminds me of most of the people who work at Kinkos.
Wretch-a-Sketch for the win. The guy's entire life is built around his desire to look more like Travis Barker than Travis Barker looks like Travis Barker.
Wretch-a-sketch for being made entirely of silly putty. And for wearing a size 45 belt around his size 28 frame. And for making the badass face when three seagulls could easily carry his ass off, hopefully to drop him on the breakwater and then eat the tasty morsels inside. And for zebra boobs.
Samantha and her boobies are so bright I am blinded to the generic douche next to her. She is clearly the best hot of the bunch but her douche is dwarfed by her rack and Librarian glasses.
My vote therefore goes to etch a sketch. I find these tattooed disasters to be worth complete ridicule. at least you cab wash out hair gel and take off your ed hardy. Facial tattoos make you a scumbag of the biggest kind. Unless you are Mike Tyson. Mr Tyson if you are reading this, your tat looks wonderful sir. Keep up the good work.
Wretch for the win. If anyone could make my unborn son cry in the womb, it would be him. That picture alone makes me want to be a better father.
This is a first for me. I usually don't vote soley based on the hot chick. I have a girlfriend who is hot, so it's not the first time I've seen a hot chick. So it is usually the douche that sways my vote.
In other weeks, I probably would have voted for Mutaint because he's all kinds of funk. And not the George Clinton good kind of funk. He's the ceespool behind an old folks home kind of funk. But this week is different. And in different, I mean BOOBIES. Boobies, glorious boobies.
Samantha could feed Sally Struthers with those mammaries and still have enough left over to feed every starving child in Ethiopia. For that alone, I must vote for Cosmobag and those fun bags.
Also, if you look at their bling, it appears that the Cosmobag worships Jesus, and Librarian Hott Samantha worships erect dolphin cockks.
All the more reason to love her, methinks.
I vote for the Mutaint, he's so presposterous I think he's a fan of the site submitting a late entry for the Haloween pics
Wretch-a-sketch is powertaint. This is the exact definition of "Daddy didn't pay enough attention to me so I'm going to rebel" (By both parties).
This picture makes my blood boil in a similar manner to Bucky and HJBBAD. If this chode doesn't win (lose) the weekly, than we have failed as baghunters and the Grieco will prevail.
Casa-La-Douche must cast their vote for The Wretch-a-Sketch.
I can't believe no one has mentioned the most salient point about Mutaint…
TWINS!!!
Sure, they're paler than a sheet of typing paper in a blizzard, but they're twins, fer Chrissakes!!! Even the possibility of making every sleazy man's dream come true gives him an edge…ahhh, who am I kidding? It's gotta be Wretch. He makes me want to hit him WHILE I'm vomiting, which I'm not even sure is physically possible.
Gotta be Mutaint, barbed-wire arm tat is the clincher
Wretch-a-Sketch FTW, of course. Not just chin pubes – tattooed chin pubes. Exponential.
Wretch-a-Sketch FTW, of course. Not just chin pubes – tattooed chin pubes. Exponential.
The Mutaint is an also-ran in nearly every weekly…including this one. Another last-place showing for your trophy case.
At first glance, Wretch-a-Sketch would be the obvious choice. His taint is truly noxious and his comical stenciling of tough guy ink on his Popsicle stick frame makes me want to light puppies on fire just to throw them at him. However, he is that not rare enough breed who gets off on people thinking he is a freak. There is no hope at all for him or Jezabel I'm afraid. We must cast them into the fiery chasm from which they came.
Part of our charter as douche hunters is to ridicule those who try to pass off all that is uncool as somehow cool. Cosmobag is the epitome of uncool thinking he is cool. With his oversized glasses, greased hair, undersized shirt and bling, he really believes he is cool. Worse, Samantha believes it too. It is our duty to save those who can be saved and abandon those who are beyond our help.
And by duty I mean laugh at…loudly…and point. And by save I mean boobies.
Cosmobag FTW.
Mutaint has the best hotts, by far. But green hair won't win you anything in life, not even a Weekly.
No, in this week's contest, there is only one douchebag that is worthy of a shovel to the neck, the shittiest pile of excrement to hit this site since Crimson Ted, and that is the bloated, tattooed waste of skin that is the aptly named Wretch-a-Sketch.
Be sure to hit the carotid, kids, or it might survive and go on to infect even more Latina zebra hotts.
Wretch-a-Sketch for the win, humanity for the loss.
After much contemplation(whacking), I have to stick with my first thought…Boobies! Librarian Hott's orbs of delight are still on my mind. While that is enough for my vote, Blondie affirms my vote. Her parted lips are like an express pass to Cedar Point, all roll-a-coasters. He is covered in a grease so thick and vile it could only come from a tin of rancid porch meat. Cosmo Bag this will not stand, thus my vote goes to you for the win.
The wretch gets my vote this week. I'm not sure he qualifies as a typical douchebag, more of a circus freak. But for sheer work ethic, he deserves it. It's not easy taking the needle to that extent; you've got to want it badly.
His hottie is delectable, her bad taste in "men" not withstanding. Guys that look like this are the reason us parents can't sleep nights.
Tattoo you FTW, with a bullet.
I'd have to say Wretch-a-Sketch. He's only got one Hott with him, that's true, but, the sheer audacity of imitating celeb-douche Travis Barker should be enough to earn him the win. Sometimes I think this site should be called "What the fuck is wrong with these bitches?" After all, they're the ones posing with the douches and (presumably) hosting their penile-grubworms in their vaginas,
Mutaint: sorry, next.
Wretch-a-Sketch: I was a personal fan of "Doodlebag" myself, but still an awesome/fitting name. Truly repulsive to witness, and his level of douche is magnified by the fact that he is obviously emulating the drummer for a sub-par pop-punk "band" that doesn't deserve to even carry Bad Religion's equipment (the fact that BR opened for Blink is an absolute travesty). But sorry Wretch, the weekly must go to…
Cosmobag: Am I biased by the librarian Hott's ample, caramel colored love pillows? Absolutely. Is Cosmobag disgusting enough on his own to justify this vote? Undeniably. The sneer, the grease top, the ridiculous bug glasses, the classic Jesus bling, the chin fungus: it is all there. Combined with the best set of yabbos seen on this site in many moons, the Cosmobag awakens the darkest corners of the heart, in which Glenn Beck repeatedly dips puppies into acid (who framed roger rabbit "dip" style).
Cosmobag FTW
Wretch-a-Sketch FTW.
And Samantha the Librarian to Hall of Hott.
Wretch FTW.
Tattoes.on.his.face.
While Cosmobag has a couple porn stars with him, that's cheating on the hott side and he's not really that douchy anyway.
Wretch-a-sketch has plenty of douche signifiers, but he's more of a dumb-ass punk than anything else.
Mutaint, however, gave my computer a virus. Norton popped up with "wmd.douche666" and attempted to shut down my computer.
There's no excuse for the hair at all. It just goes to show that if you swim in toxic waste, you come out with green hair and an Ed Hardy pattern on your shirt.
I have to vote for Cosmobag because the Librarian KNOWS what she has and the are GREAT!!!!!
Out of these three, only two should be considered for the weekly. All are scrote, but the green haired douche is just too clownish. Wretch-a-Sketch is destined to stand in line at the soup kitchen. He is a vile freak that Father Time will take care of.
Cosmobag ftw. His double dose of hotts seals the deal. Librarian Hott has the boobies that get my vote and the blonde hott reaffirms my decision.
The stand-off between Wretch-A-Sketch and Cosmo has faced me with a sort of life-altering soul-searching that makes me tremble.
Someone asked me why I come here because ultimately it's just a site that mocks dumb photos. My answer was this –
"These people may go on about dumb photos of dumb people, but they do with vocabular-ific class. They summon the words to them like learned scholars, they take pride in their work. They call themselves 'baghunters and huntresses, and they consider the verbal slaying of the douchebag their art form. There are many places in the world you can go if you want to insult someone – but in this place it is more about the principle, the morally corrupt status of a male humanoid who would reject all that is natural and good in favour of $300 t-shirts, terrible tattoos, greasy faux-hawks, fake bling, terrible gang hand signs, orange spraytaint . . . and somehow, in all of this madness and soul-destroying decay, still end up with the hot girl."
I have read and agreed with my fellow hunters here, but ultimately I believe it should be a tie between Wretch and Cosmo. They are equal opponents (and by equal I mean I vomit my digestive track while I slit my jugular with a grapefruit spoon) and their hots are equally hot (by equal I mean behind-the-erotic-shelf boobloving and perfectly toned navelsplurging) . . . and yet they occupy two very different ends of the douche spectrum.
FTW, a tie. I'm sorry I'm too weak with dehydration and desperation to end the suffering of fathers everywhere to choose.
Wretch-a-Sketch FTW. Because tattooing "End Stereotypes" on your skinny white neck among a cacophony of gang-inspired affectations and amidst a pell-mell of emo-inspired fashion is the perfect way to get that particular point across.
Cosmobag and boobies ftw
Wretch-a-Sketch
Because Jezebel has a mother and a father. And someone must speak for them. Just as Ender became a speaker for the dead, I will speak for the mothers and fathers whose hearts are broken because of douchebaggery.
"Come home Chiquita Hott, we have fresh pomegranates from the backyard and are just putting on Tortilla Soup featuring Hector Elizondo. We know it's your favorite."
Cosmoboobies!
The Mutaint FTW.
A good scientist would tell us that we must control for the variable that we want to examine. In this case that means we must somehow ignore the delightful Samantha and her girls, though that will be difficult as I am currently tumescent.
When only the douches are taken into consideration, three things stand out: 2000 flushes green hair, the most punchable kissy lips ever, and outstretch arms that invite chemical castration.
Again, Mutaint FTW.
-Douchetros Douchetros Ghali
Oh now what should I do? Boobies in teal but I'm feelin' blue, tell me ohhh what should I do?
Bloody hell! Cosmobag FTW.
The Census of Marine Life announced today that it had discovered 1000's of new species in the deep recesses of the Librarianus Trench, an exotic chasm located in the depths of the heaving, bouncing Funbaglantic.
Unfortunately, most are single celled bacteria, viruses, and yeast.
Oh, and one mottled shrimp called Retch-a-Sketch.
True story.
Retch for the win. Biodiversity for the loss.
Wretch-a-Sketch ftw. He makes January's Ghoulbag look like a grade school emo kid. Tattoos all the way up the neck and even on his head. Cutoff grandpa pants and exposed boxers. Hat tilt and pulled up ankle socks. And, of course, the feeling that he's got worms crawling all over his skin. Nasty.
The Cosmobag is punchable, the Wretch-a-Sketch is baseball bat-able, but the Mutaint is gunshot-able, no douchotomy for me, The mutaint wins.
The reddest of the red. Red Tony will prevail, just ask him.
4 votes for Mutaint. Wow.
Just wow.
Wretch-a-Sketch.
Because his tat "artist" turned the two knobs and only drew poo.
Mutaint got laughed out of the club so I can't vote for the pic with the most hotts. Wretch-a-sketch needs a swift kick in the coin purse. Those tatts are the best he can come up with. Loser in every respect.
Librarian hott has the boobies of my dreams. She can shush me all night while I comfort Karla and bandage her broken thumb with extra care. Cosmobag can sweep the meat off my porch. What does this mean? Booobies for the win!!!
Mutaint got laughed out of the club so I can't vote for the pic with the most hotts. Wretch-a-sketch needs a swift kick in the coin purse. Those tatts are the best he can come up with. Loser in every respect.
Librarian hott has the boobies of my dreams. She can shush me all night while I comfort Karla and bandage her broken thumb with extra care. Cosmobag can sweep the meat off my porch. What does this mean? Booobies for the win!!!
'Tis the week to give thanks, and I shall. I'm thankful for boobs, librarian glasses, boobs, and boobs. Cosmobag is more than douche enough to hold up his end of the scrote bargain with stupid glasses and general Persian douchitude. And I am thankful for that as well, so that I can see more librarian boobness come Wednesday as Cosmobag is crowned Douchebag of the Week.
Thanksgiving is all about being thankfull for the plentiful bounty bestowed upon us. Nothing symbolizes this more than Librarian Samantha's boobies. Cosmobag for the win.
WaS FTW… I never knew zebras could be so lovable
DB1
BOSS!
Can you believe this fucking link someone sent me-
http://www.bigdouchebag.com
can't you sue the fuckers?
Their site looks like a child did it compared to ours, I'm just sayin'-
Keep doin' what you're doin' and Happy Douchie
Uncle Tony
Cosmobag requests that we send him all the turkey drippings we can spare. He wants to switch to a new eco friendly grease.
Wretch-a-Sketch… because I would prance alongside her in Kenya, shielding her from ravenous lions… and because I want to karate chop his soul.
Before I forget, all you kids on Facebook click this. Huh huh huh.
But seriously…..This is a tough call. I also am torn between Cosmobag and Wretch-A-Sketch. Indeed, Wretch seems the obvious win on account of his electing to make himself an outcast. But, really, it is for this that I am inclined to discount him. For he has made himself a glaringly obvious advertisement for his own douche-osity. He is a walking billboard of douche, a veritable neon sign pointing to his own poopiness for all to see and avoid. A well-intended father would shoot this assclown through the windshield of his own car upon pulling into the driveway to pick up said father's daughter for a date.
Now….Cosmobag. Where Wretch-A-Sketch is a giant, brightly colored neon barrel of radioactive slime, warning all to stand clear, Cosmobag is Radon gas. Silent, subtle, seeping in quietly form below. No one really notices at first, then the illness sets in.
It's no surprise that Jezebel would fall prey to the likes of Wretch-a-Sketch, she's a tramp stamp, hoop earrings and a skunk stripe away from UberBleeth. But Samantha? Samantha, who should be the naughty arm candy of a well-groomed but pervy investment banker? She is far too lovely and sassy for the likes of this cheap, over-cologned Persian used car salesman. She has that slight, funky artsy edge that would make her the peacock in the relationship, her love of turquoise cements it. She should be with a staid executive who would be proud to stand back at her watercolors exhibit, then take her home and rail her from behind without taking off his tie. Either that, or she should be in the booth next to mine at my next show, where we'll make polite small talk about sable brushes versus acrylic and then after she has three zinfandels I'll fingerbang her against the sink in the ladies' room.
Either way, she's selling herself way short, slowly poisoned by the Radon gas of douchebags. For being a sinister and silent poison, Cosmobag FTW.
@Anthony LaBaglia
That site is truly rotten. Maybe it should be up for HCwDB of the Week.
Wretch-a-Sketch
Wretch a Sketch has a lot riding on this one. His Boss told him if he wins, he'll promote him from fries to Junior McNugget Technician!
Wretch for the win.
Librarian Damn Hott for the boobies!
This was really tough, and while W-a-S has "Kaos Kid" tattooed on the Porch Beef and The Mutaint is a `bag tag, I have to go with Cosmobag FTW.
I would be lying if I said the cans didn't push it into the lead, and I am pretty sure that I worked with Russian Minx on the right. The Cosmobag has all of the elements to be a class A suburban bag. I saw many just like him while wandering 30 minutes north of the city the other day.
And boobies; giant, fleshy, mountains of mammary goodness.
Let’s face it, Wretch-A-Sketch looks like a shaved albino ferret that’s been put through a Maori torture summercamp by his parents after slipping his captors a mescaline chaser from a Peruvian shaman.
With all of a life’s awards, he brands an exterior in the image of a soul he wishes somebody; anybody would see. In a dying man’s attempt to scream at you, “I HATE MYSELF! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!”…
The badges of life and honor and truth we all wear, different as they are, we instead wear on our hearts, and display in our conduct and our character, our personality and treatment of friends, loved ones and strangers.
The complete and utter contempt for oneself you have to have to tattoo your head and face so completely could only be matched by the acts of Buffalo Bill himself. -For he too found his very atomic substance so worthless, he decided to fashion a different skin.
But despite the fact that Wretch-A-Sketch foghorns himself to be lower than Chinatown gutter castoff, right out to the edges of the sea, and in-fact a human trash IMITATION of an existing knucklehead of semi-lame repute,
From the methlyated shit-heap of his soul, the beast of which claws its way out from the inside to show you its face, Wretch-A-Sketch has one lone sapling of value.
He’s honest about it.
He is no self-delusional Bridge & Tunnel chowderhead arrogantly greasing his forehead through the ass-guts of what used to be interesting nightclubs in prententious neighborhoods.
He is not fooling himself or anyone or you. It’s all there for any person to read.
So let’s pin the fail on this honky [hat tip: Wheeze] and award him his crown of shit.
Wretch-A-Sketch FTW.
…and by ‘award him his crown of shit’, I mean let’s all pitch in for a can of gas, a showerhead, a bike pump and a blowtorch,
so he can perform his next trick on himself.
wretch a sketch and zebra. as if bertrand russell didn't have enough reasons to deny the existence of god
Scribble is a circus freak, Cosmobag is a middle eastern electronic salesman & The Mutant is a living, breathing punching bag… more bang for your buck with the Mutant, ftw
Wretch-a-Sketch FTW. He's more a**hole than douchebag, but hey it's almost Thanksgiving and I'm feeling generous.
all right already, Mutaint… been off booze for about 12 hrs. & already going through withdrawals…. hitting the wagon 'til Xmas (cuz I can)… gonna be a long month
Wretch FTW, although Librarian Hott still tickles me in my dreams.
I'm not a 100% sure of what Medusa O. just said but I rubbed one out by the time I finished reading it.
No way for CosmoBag, he's with a porn star.
And if I knew which one of those gals was Jennifer, I'd give Mutaint thorough consideration. With a steel toe boot.
The Wretch-a-Sketch brings the excess to a level usually only attainable by head biting circus geeks. And delicious Jezebel J Bleeth.
The Wretch-a-Sketch FTW based on the funniest thread in a long time.
Guido-Poo FTW. Rationale? Boobies!
I am confused as to why every single vote is not for Wretch-A-Sketch…
He is not just "a freak".
He is the ultimate hardcore Douchebag. If there were a douchebag army he'd be the Repubican guard; the friggin' Peacock Platoon Elite Butthole Brigade.
Because HE ED-HARDIED HIS FUCCEN SKIN. FOREVER.
Mutaint and Cosmo are one good bath away from sneaking through a job interview, and they know it. Wretch will be leeching food and debit cards off of teenage daddy-haters until the glorious day that the Hep C does its job.
W.a.S FTW
Wretch FTW. He is a skid mark on the tighty whities of society. I guess one would just shave off all their body hair, then get eyebrows and chin pubes permanently etched in if you get crabs as often as McScribbles here does.
@Medusa^
Welcome back. And by welcome back I mean Fwap! Fwap! Fwap!
Homeland Security places all of its votes squarely behind Cosmobag simply because its about time bags once again sported fringe.
The Cosmobag has to win (lose), because neither of the other photos better exemplifies the rage-inducing HCwDB dichotomy. That his poo-stained paw is only inches from lightly cupping Samantha's rack is a tragedy. In fact, when the sea levels eventually rise, it will not be because of the melting polar ice caps, but because of the tears of the angels after seeing this photo.
While Samantha exudes all that is hot even her full, fantastic funbags cannot overcome the epitome of doucheness that is Scribbles the Wretch-a-Sketch.
I must now weep quietly in the corner overcome with shame…
I vote MUTAINT
Cosmobag
Cosmobag ftw. Mutaint is laughable and Scribbley is a douche no one wants to read.
when you conflate Wretch-a-Sketch's tatts with Blink 180poo, it really leaves me no choice but to vote for Wretch-a-Sketch.
Wretch-a-Sketch FTHMDBBR (for the horrifying mutilation driven by blind rage)
if i can horrifyingly mutilate Wretch-a-Sketch in a fit of blind rage and then fondle Samantha's boobies in the same day, that would be the best day of my life.
100!
Cosmobag ftw, I could give crap about him, but her rack makes my pants dance.
I wanna vote for Wretch-a-Sketch, since that's such an excellent name (kudos to Goolo)
However, I must vote for Cosmobag, because of the boobies. And his greasy curls.
Cosmo has strong librarian cleavage going for him that should propel him for thee win, along with his unrelenting, extremely rank "douche aura". Can you smell that? phew!
When considering the Weekly, one has to take into consideration the face-punchability of the Douche, and the junk-spankability of the Hott.
This week's Douche pickings are a little sparse, however. Mutaint strikes me more as a part-timer not fully dedicated to his craft (read: wankery). Sketchy could be a tatted up dorkwad with more self-loathing than you find in your typical Narcissistic Personality Disorder-displaying d'bag. Cosmo, although exhibiting some classic douche-traits, is more proto-douche than full out Greico Disciple.
So that leaves me with the other side of the equation: the fapability of the Hott. And although Sketch's Zebra is certainly nummy, and Mutaint's harem definitely wank-worthy (especially the one in the black lingerie, VERY nice!), they just don't Stack up to Cosmo's librarian hott and the uber-mightiness of her Cleavage of Lusty Happiness. Sweet Baby Jesus, I'd go postal on an animal shelter full of kittens for the chance to motorboat those lovemounds for even 10 seconds. And the hott on his right is okay, too. And he might be the kind of Douche-In-Training to request them to make out with each other, which only adds fuel to the fire. And by fire, I mean my turgidity.
Cosmo for the win, but mostly for librarian-hott-cleavage-making-out-with-blonde-hott goodness.
I can smell Cosmo from here. Id like to add my meatstick to library girls bookshelves too.
Wretch gets my vote but…
Does anyone in the Dayton, OH area think Cosmobag might be Steve Van Gorder, the ultra-obnoxious spokesman for the Jeff Schmitt Nissan commercials? He's a dead freakin' ringer for the guy, and if you've ever seen the commercials, you'd realize this dude is 10X more douchey than he appears in this photo. However, the Dayton, OH club scene is not what you'd call "all that", but damn this guy is a douche whether he's the douche in the commercials or not.
Can any other Daytonians confirm this is Steve and/or back me up on this?
I'll see if Steve is on YouTube here shortly, to further confirm his douchiness.
Screw it, I change my vote. Cosmo it is!
Well Mutaint, I guess someone had to come in third. But hey, fret not: at least you're not lame like Spanky…..
Cosmobag is copping too much of his look from Xenu…..which should make him a front-runner in and of itself. And then he brought some A-game (DD-game?) with Librarian Hott Samantha, who may need a cheesy 70s/80s wrestling name:
Teal Tatines?
Turquoise Torpedoes?
Cyan Scintillators for Chronic Masturbators?
Aquamarine Avalanche of Astounding …..Astounding?
I'd really like Cosmobag/Xenubie to exit stage right while Samantha and naughty Karla get to what they really want to do: each other. (With Medusa offering tips, and by that I mean giving orders). Why else would Karla be reaching for Samantha and not the putzwank in the middle?
Oh my…..are we still voting? Really? Oh all right…..
Zebra hott Jezebel may be close to bleethdom, but she is quite a hott in her own right. Nice curves, cute enough smile, nice boobies…..but I think Scribbles/W-a-S(-t-e o-f o-x-y-g-e-n) is infecting her with the desire to get her own bad ink. See photo #2 for proof.
Anyway, despite all the fwapping (and fwopping) I've done to Samantha, my vote goes for Scribbles/Wretch. His desire to transform himself into a pseudo-Travis "Forever a Carnival" Barker shows dedication to the douche craft of perpetual instant gratification. Besides, the attitude he exudes in both photos (dual hat tilt accompanied by head tilt) makes me dizzy.
The Baron's choice for the Friday douchemeister – Wretch-a-Sketch – is inspired. It made me laugh, so Wretch-a-Sketch it is.
And indeed – Wretch-a-Sketch it is for the win. Why?
Simple: he's a complete and utter douchebag – pure and simple. I'm really hungry right now, and I haven't the time today to go into this farther – I have to go get something to eat before I pass out.
WaS FTW.
OK that didn't take long. Here's a link to a commercial with Steve Van Gorder. Compare him to Cosmo Bag:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbJy_CfM3fE
Copy and past link in browser, you won't be disappointed. And by "won't" I mean "will")
However it turns out, file Steve under "Small Market Local CelbriDouche."
P.S. sorry, I don't have this link-posting thing down quite yet.
The Wretch-a-Sketch.
What a bag of dicks.
Cosmobag.
Real heavy douchebaggery happening here, and he has the hottest hott (boobies).
Wtetch-a-sketch, hands down. I never thought I'd say this, but he's a waste of tattoo ink.
Mmmmmmm, zebras….
Looks like the carbag to me!!
Wretch-a-sketch all the way.
I wasn't going to vote for Wretch-A-Sketch because his doucheyness isn't universal: here in Oregon, for example, you could easily get a job looking like that. So many dudes look like that here that if someone didn't hire them, the whole state economy would implode. That gas isn't going to pump itself, you know.
Seriously. It's against the law to pump your own gas here. I know. I don't fucking get it, either.
Sabrina's library shelves are so packed with the fundamentals, and Cosmobag is so greasy that I'm surprised his shirt isn't transparent. I was ready to propel them forward with my vote until I read Brother Darksock's thoughtful words.
Oh sweet lawd, it's true. The WAS has auto-Hardied.
WAS FTW.
I see my world so differently now…
I say Mutaint FTW.
Also, there should be some sort of permanent shrine erected for Samantha.
Gotta be Cosmobag FTW!
I haven't seen a Douche:Boobie ratio like that since the now infamous Chris Angel and Holly Whatsername pair up.
Plain an simple.
This Weekly forced me to confront a nagging philosophical question: can a 'Bag be so overly scrotified as to transcend douchitude? My convenient answer is "No." (Social Scientists love conclusions which comport with their hypotheses). Hence the Wretch-a-Sketch wins. He is over the top in many categories; even the hat tilt is novel. And Jezebel is an edible peach. Wretch-a-Sketch!
While Travis Barfer is an intriguing candidate (and by intriguing I mean turd), his hott is only grade 7 hotness (unless however she is asian under those glasses, in which case she would jump to a 10 due to my yellow fever, but that’s neither here nor there). So Scribbles is saved by a pair of glasses on his hott. However if you put Cosmobags librarian hott boobies in same zip code as TB and I think he could start writing his 2009 douche of the year victory speech.
I think the Cosmobag is not getting his due mockage (and by mockage, I mean kick in the nads). Perhaps we may be distracted by other bags in this photo too much to be as repulsed by his presence. Do not be fooled by the pathetic look on his face… his stupid goggle glasses, greased up hair, cheesy unbuttoned shirt, bling necklace, bling earring, and partial kissy lips are collectively punch worthy. And with those boobies! The boobies that launched a thousand ships, they are launching him to the top of the weekly.
Cosmobag FTW
Cosmobag looks like he smells like behind a dumpster where crackheads keep shitting their brains out. His oversize glasses beg to be pushed through the back of his skull by a Schwarzenegger mega-punch.
Samantha Hotte is everything we lust after here at HCwDB. She is the everyday smoking hot sexy fuck machine. And yet she cuddles up with crackhead diarrhea.
Sigh.
Wretch is the worst thing to wash up on a beach since Joseph Hazelwood ran the Exxon Valdez aground in Alaska back in 1989.
Wretch makes the Montauk Monster look like Darryl Hannah in "Splash."
Miss Zebra is going to star is my remake of "Valley Girl," in which a striving Latino family from Reseda watches in horror as their lovely daughter starts dating a guy from Hollywood who looks like Eddie Haskell but dresses like Danny Trejo.
Wretch wins.
Wretch-a-Sketch is bad, but Cosmo made my monitor greasy. And sexy librarian boobies seal it. I will bury my head in them now.
Travesty Barker, Wretch-a-Sketch, the lesser member of Stink18Poo, FTW. For his is the ultimate in non-reversible douchism.
They should have a photo of him in every tattoo parlour as a warning.
He is to tattooing what Michael Jackson was to plastic surgery.
Blink 1-Wretch-a-Sketch-82 Drummer. Fo sho.
Wretch-a-Sketch. Because he make me want to wretch. Also, because I want to turn him upside down and shake him vigorously.
Wretch-a-Sketch for the Win (loss). So wrong in so many ways. The Travis Barker-ness is even more offensive.
Runner up is Samantha's boobs.
FTW…? Gotta be the (Gut) Wretch… He is just so insanely horrific I feel sick… Fortunately, he is destined to work the night shift at a 24-hour adult book-store, in downtown Flint, Michigan – Until that sad and lonely night where he's found accidentally strangled – From an auto-erotic asphyxiation fix "gone wrong"…
And, with the un-tattered HOTT zebra (my heart screaming "RUN-AWAY! BEFORE it is TOO LATE") – he just can't lose.
Taint gets wiped in with the asspaper vote.
Cosmo's bags may be more luscious, but Taint's are fo real.
And Real Bags is what Daddy loves, yes he does.
No, not those bags, THOSE ones there.
MuTaint for the win.
Wretch-a-Sketch is a sub-human Rent-a-Wreck and in any other week may have won.
However, Samantha is too hott to be denied, and Cosmobag reminds me of every weaselly car salesman I've ever met. And car salesmen are always douchebags.
Cosmobag FTW
Wretch-a-Sketch is hideous, Jezebel is his hapless hott victim surely enough, but I find his genre tiresome.
The only reason the Cosmobag has slithered this far into the brackets is because of the luscious, librarianesque turquoise satchel of mammarite that is Samantha, who is clearly a contender for HoH. However, Cosmobag is only a contender for dermatitis of the nutsack and by nutsack I mean his chin.
So, far be it from me to discourage the aspiring huntresses-goddess Dianas of Douchebaglionicus, the Artemises of Scrot-e-misters. They traveled on legs of quicksilver, let loose their quivers and pierced the heart of Doucheness.
and so, again by dint of the photo that smells the worst (the Wretch is outdoors after all) in my book it's gotta be the irredeemable…scum roll please…
Mutaint FTW.
–VS
Cosmobag. In a landslide.
And, by landslide, I mean teal librarian boobs.
Can I say "wow" again?
Wow.
^^Cosmobag loses, in a landslide. Can't you count, dickhole? Wretch a Sketch FTW, by a mile. Suck my dick.
Although Samantha's cleavite gives me a warm feeling in the abdomen not unlike a good belt of single malt scotch, I go with Cosmobag, because Missus Zebra is in on the joke that he is the punchline of.
Um, my vote above should go to the Wretch-a-Sketch. I'm on cold medication.
I'm voting for Cosmobag because Samantha is boobperfection (god I hope blonde skank is the target) and he is wearing bug glasses indoors.
cosmobag because boobs.
Cosmoboobs.
The Mutaint, for he makes the kissy lips that guide my closed hand to his face to make the peoples fall down.
Scribbles FOR ALL ETERNITY.
This strung out, scrawny, pustulent and repulsive uber-scrote has so much ink in his tissues that he may actually have discovered a way to preserve his dweebie, twerpish corpse in an un-necrified state until the Heat Death of The Universe and Beyond. He has become, in effect, a veritable Doctor Phibes of tattooed wankness, an Eternal Testimony, Witness and Symbol to the Legions of Poser Asshats spawned in the Age of UberDouchery.
I'd love to take a baseball bat (aluminum, please, I don't want to ruin a wooden one by soaking it in Cosmo's grease) to all of these clowns, but if I had to make a choice (and I don't):
Mutaint simply needs to be escorted out of the club and shoved in a taxi back to the group home where he can show off his extra-long 47th chromosome to his roomies. Extra points for the three lovely ladies who tagged him.
Wretch-a-Sketch needs to be shot, gutted, stuffed and mounted on a pedestal in front of his parents' house to eternally shame them for their abysmal childrearing skills. Jezebel is hot, but minus points for being the Bleethiest of the lot.
Cosmobag gets my vote, for pure, classic, greasy, Jesus-blinged, chin-pubed skeeziness, combined with equally classic librarian hottness. Karla doesn't make me think of anything other than wondering how she hurt her thumb, but I want to take Samantha out to a candlelight dinner at at French restaurant, followed by a Jean-Luc Godard film at the local art house, after which we'd find a quiet cafe, analyze Proust over coffee and tiramisu, and…..oh, hell, boobies.
These peeps are kinda boring to me this week, but I vote for Travesty Barker, because:
1. He has permanently defaced himself. The other two guys still have a chance.
2. Big gauge earrings like that disgust me.
3. Standard douche-issue cocked hat and weak sunglasses.
4. Lower half of his outfit looks like a retard on house arrest.
5. Bud Light tall boys. Pee water.
6. Girlfriend's tummy is cute.
7. I like her So-Cal goth beach hottie whatever the fuck going on.
8. I HATE Travesty's So-Cal peckerwood on fucking bullshit going on.
I can't see how minor douche Cosmobag could beat Wretch-a-Sketch. Wretch has tattooed-on star earrings and tattooed-on eyebrows! Not to mention the other load of bullshit all over his face, head, and body. Add in the nerdy bottoms and I think we are witnessing the year's candidate for the Guggenheim! Poopaloompa, move over.
This pud is beyond Ed Hardy. Far beyond.
I voting for Wretch-a-Sketch because I've had to hide the Etch-a-Sketch from the little ones ever since I caught them drawing bad tatts on it and neglecting to draw luscious hotts, and NOW they're wanting to wear white socks with their dark shoes and ghetto buster pants, and stealing my black Pantone markers off the drawing board.
Enough is enough.
With the glowing orange face, hair freshly harvested from the north side of a tree, sunglasses that are worth more than his '94 Ford Topaz, flashy watch, double skull shirt, and ultra douchetacular pose, the Mutaint is a carefully handcrafted cornucopia of scrote.
wretch 'cos his entire raison d'etre is the hope of being mistaken for a famous wretch
The Mutaint FTW. The hotts with The Mutaint remind me of the wholesome goodness of a three pack of TastyKake Krimpets. The Mutaint reminds me that I have to pressure wash the part of the driveway that doesn't get any sun, so I can get rid of that moss. I could go on, but I think "Pfft, what a douche!" says it all. Oh, and put me down as voting for Jennifer as the hottest 'bag huntress.
Wretch-a-sketch. Only Bam Bam Bigelow himself could get away with a head tattoo. And he's dead. Although I am in contact with a voodoo priestess who will re-animate him so he can kick WAS' arse all over Asbury Park.
Ooo! Ooo! BOSS! BOSS! Mr. Biggs voted for Wretch a Sketch in the Cabo thread! Could his be the controversial vote that puts WaS over the top?!?
Or is it disqulaified, cuz, he's like, a dumbass and shit for posting in the wrong thread?
Cosmobag as he has the hottest hot. Samantha for Hall of Hot as well.
Cosmobag FTW
Sketch is just too…too…too…
(sobs deeply)
Cosmobag is rather mundane. That actually can be an important douchal quality.
Put me in for the Cosmobag
When I saw it I barely noticed the 'bag in the background of those "come hither" boobies (excellent use of gravity as a bust-enhancer, by the way).
I almost changed my vote when I saw the other two (they have more of the traditional douchebag ID elements), but in the end boobies won out.
I gotta say that tagging them — er, her — as a librarian isn't fair to her. In my fantasy she's in the medical field. Perhaps a proctologist or an optometrist.
Props to Anon 9:04 for the Dr. Phibes reference.
AV
Wretch-A-Sketch
Darksock is right, he Ed Hardied his face.
FOREVER
—-Mike Douchelas
For unerring service to corporate-mass produced generic taint, hair gel, indoor sunglasses, Jesus' bling AND chin fung, in perfect balance with huge rack-cleavage-showing-off librarian glasses hottness
Cosmobag, ftw
Ol'Bag
Mutaint ain't.
Now that's outta the way, time for the dilemma.
Wretch is truly punchable douce. That look says "my shit don't stink" when truly he is shit and therefore is immune to his own stench. Jezebell in pic 1 is certainly fine hott, but once I viewed pic 2, I began to cry. The bleething has begun. She has befouled the finely tanned skin with tatt, and for that she should be punished. By spanking. Bent over a knee and spanked. Bent over MY knee and spanked. And by bent over my knee and spanked I mean, well, exactly that. Uhhh, where was I? Oh yes, WaS + zebra = tough contender.
However, after much boobs careful consideration boobs, I have to go with boobs Cosmo[fun]bag. Those mammaries have pervaded and perverted my memory. Cosmo is douchey enough that Samantha's boobs can carry him FTW. Oh, and the addition of second hott Karla caressing Samantha's head and preparing to motor boat seals it. BOOBSwDB FTW. And by win I mean boobs.
-noobbag
Cosmo's grease taint for the win!
Random Joe reminded me that I hadn't voted yet.
Wretch FTW. Do not underestimate the power that is the Zebra bikini. Beside, I think Wretch should be held up for ridicule every where he goes.
Mutaint and Cosmo also should be ridiculed, even if they bring multiple hotts to the table — and they should be thanked for that.
And by thanked, I mean roofied, then placing a red bandana in each back pocket, and dropped off at a leather gay bar.
Cosmobag for the win.
I am soooooo serial!
Wretch-a-Sketch ftw
Cosmobag FTW.
Love the fact that the bag-licking blondie has a broken thumb, and is apparently reaching over to pet her much more boobilicious brunette bespectacled friend behind this clueless douche's back. Cosmobag also works a menial job as a welder (judging from the glasses), and can only afford miniature Jesus bling. Loss.
retch. 4 sho.
Mutaint for the win.
I eliminate WaS because he's more a punk-poseur tool freak than your classic douche.
So it's down to Cosmo and Mutaint. Cosmo's chicks are hotter and he's taken his fashion sense straight from the exact opposite idea of what a man should look/dress like, while I can't shake the idea that Mutaint is at a halloween party or something (those tats look fake). But there's something that's drawing me towards the Mutaint…oh yeah, it's his absoulutely absurd face. I will give Jennifer the benefit of doubt…he's real, the hair is real and the face is real…Mutaint for the win!
Wretch FTW He hurts my eyes just looking at him.
I can smell Cosmobag's through my web browser. He deserves the win.
Wretch-A-Sketch FTW. In the alternate photo of him, I can't tell if the word under the picture of his mom is "FAGS" or LAOS." That's some UUH-gly tats if you can't even read them. The only way he could be even more disgusting than he already is, would be if he had Groin Shave Reveal going on.
Plus, Missus Zebra's proudly thrusting boobies are so lush and firm that you could set your drink on them… and he's ignoring them.
B-B-B-Bag To The Bone
ME