Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Pointy McLipshmoe

Pointy McLipshmoe just ignored Katie and voted in the HCwDB of the Month.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Month

I’m not too good with the math, so I’m not sure if this is the last HCwDB of the Month before the Yearly or not. I think we can fit one more in. But either way, make it count.

Here’s your nominees:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Barrowbag and Alana

Barrowbag, aka Matt Floorian, is a longshot in the Monthly, in spite of Alana’s illustrious back arch, or what I like to call “The Slide of Kidney Delights.”

I have no idea what that means.

But the Barrowbag just doesn’t have that facial sneer, nor uber-tude for the Vegas oddmakers to give him anything better than 7:1 to win (lose).

Even with Barrobag’s spinnaker move on Alana. in pic #2, there’s a hot side hott, but a gut hang toad.

Is it enough?

What’s with the leather boots?

And were those bathmats bought at Ikea?

Or Target?

So many questions. So much lysol.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Poopaloompa

The power of the Poopa is strong with Oompaloompian Orange.

Poopa, poopa, poopedee, dee… why the f is your face orange you creeepy-ass mofo douchewank?

And lets not forget Poopa’s second log.

Bringing A-List douche Orange but only B-list H.C., the Poompa has a tough road ahead of itself, due to the impbalanced dialectics of meaning found herein.

Can Jane bring enough library corn-fed Midwestern party girl cuteness to take the prize? Or does it even matter with a toxic douche this strong?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Cheez and Charleez

The Cheez is Jerz mug loud, party pud from outer Tattmongolia.

Charleez is all that angelically dances on the edge of a pin and has boobies.

Pic #2, pic #3 and pic #4 finish out the run of simian ridiculousness.

Can power boobs and A/X necklace + douche-gesture (see pic #3) bring Cheez into the Yearly?

Only with aplomb.

And by aplomb, I mean two plums.

And by plums, I mean using the age-old poetic verse of fruit allusions to describe boobies.

Because both ripen and hang.

And both are on sale at Albertson’s, 2/$1.99.

Yup.

No idea what I’m typing at this point.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #4: The Bagpoleon Complex and Josephine

There’s nothing quite so enjoyable as when a blustery egobag writes in to the site and confirms all the snap judgments we’d already made about his punk ass.

As we saw when the Bagpoleon struck back.

Bagpoleon brings the most toxic of all 2009 douchal innovations: Groin Shave Reveal (GSR).

Josephine brings all that is curvy and right to youthful indescretions.

Guy in Gramps Shorts on the left wants to pee on a pillow.

Together, combined with Jesus Bling and Power Watch, this coupling is all that HCwDB embodies.

But is Bagpoleon douchey enough to beat out the Poompaloompa? Can Josephine really knock off Charleez’s sweetness? Will the Barrowbag wheel in as the wildcard after a split vote and take the prize?

Remember: We vote for the best dialectic between HC and DB. The most toxic reality skewing combination to cohabitate. The most punchworthy of wrongness.

I need you. I can’t do this without you.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

The Crustacean Pshaws at Halloween Pics

HCwDB legend and Hall of Scrote enshrinee, The Crustacean, says:

“there’s no Halloween mock that will ever be as ludicrous as the real deal, yo.”

Hard to argue with double stripe leather forearm bands.

An HCwDB Halloween

Okay folks, your lazy-ass narrator finally put down the HoHos and got off his ass and went through all the Halloween pics. Over three hundred submits this year, and props to all for some amazing costumes and hilarious HCwDB inspired ideas.

Like the pic submitted here by reader G Wood.

Without further ado, here’s the ones I was able to organize and upload, and if I didn’t post your pic, don’t be angry. I likely accidentally deleted it because I got so many. And I’m confused. And disorganized. And drunk. Here’s your pics:

The HCwDB Comments Threads regulars for HCwDB Halloween:

Memphis Doucheworkers Local 421 and his Lady busts some quality Halloween HCwDB
Army of Doucheness does Gunter
Army of Doucheness’s Gunter #2. Scary good work, AoD. Now sing me “Summer Holiday.”
Archidouchies busts some classic HCwDB stylin’
Major Malfunction and Lady bust the Bra!! Gunshow, complete with Startatt
Reader Mike and Boozy Hott recreate “Chug Life,” with URC watching
Douchebag Mike goes full-on faux to amuse an Asian Hott
And in Pic #2, DBag Mike HCwDBs with a Bunny
Douchey Douche manages to get double-pop and arm tatts into his costume for his lady
And Ubiquitous Anonymous Lurker goes solo Orange

The HCwDB Halloween Pics that are so good, I’m not so certain they are Halloween pics:

Reader Red and his Lady do some Bathroom Doggie ‘Baggin’
If Grant didn’t have the fake arms, I’d be running him and his lady hott in a Weekly.
Eric and his Bro assure me this really was for Halloween
Anon assures me this really was him and his girlfriend doing ‘Jerz HCwDB’, although it’s so real it’s frightening.
Spiro creeps me out in a hotel hallway
Michael brings the Vegas Power Douche
Pat and his Lady Hott are just a little too convincing as Inland Empire HCwDB
Sleiman and his ‘Boyz’ fail to convince me they haven’t done this before
Tyler brings fuel in case he runs out of energy

And an assorted selection of some other genius HCwDB costumes sent in by readers this year:

Reader Greg Busts some Hott Hott and Douchey Douche.
Charles oranges it up at a ‘Ween house party
Alex and his Girl bring the ingenious ‘Cross Dressing HCwDB’
Blaque Jesus does the Mirror ‘Bag
Chris M and Girlfriend go full orange
An Anon Reader busts ‘Kissylips Dancer’
Monica and her Man provide before/after evidence of the HCwDB transformation
Ari and his ‘Boyz’ nail the DB but forget the HC
Bonobo and his Hott also bust classic HCwDB
Charles brings the Heineken
Kristen dresses up her boyfriend as ‘Armybag’
Brandon and His Girl bust HCwGGW
Brotha L.B. and his Magic Lady mock Yuppie Douche
Matt mixes metaphors with ‘Fidel Castro Douche’
Brian achieves truly spectacular ‘Pink Pop Collar,’ as well as wins the Best Halloween Douche Utility Belt Award
Captain S.P. brings his Army Hott along for the ride
Telly and his Lady go ‘Hot Mermaid with Power Douche’
Another Brian busts Rockerbag
Scott and his Lady do ‘The Jerz’
Chaz and his Lady bring
the Literal Summers Eve

But wait, there’s more!

Chocolate Douche reminds us the Brothas can mock the Brothabags too
Chris with the brilliant ‘Hello My Name is Douchebag’ snags a Tall Cornfed Hott at the party
Cort gets into his D.B. persona with some awesome kissy lips
Drake and Girlfriend do ‘Hot Dorothys with Douchebags’
Evan and ‘Bro’ bring the West Coast ‘Bag, along with their girl’s ‘Sexy Cop’
Sean and Becky do ‘Hot Sailorettes with Douchebags’
Gordo writes in from Canada where he busts some D.J. Douche with Barely Legal Hott
Graeme goes solo douche with some Homemade Ed Hardy
Hoboken Brian busts Jerz
Hugh and his Ladies Bring the ‘Ween Party up to HCwDB standards
Not quite HCwDB, exactly, but here’s Halloween Nerd/Hott Google.
Josh and Friend take HCwDB to 11
Lance and his Lady’s Costume are so good, they scared their dog

How’s about a large tip of the Ubiquitous Red Cup to all our HCwDB costumes this year. Clever, hilarious, playful and enough to give me hope we still might turn back the EdHardpocalypse before it’s too late.

Great job all!! Including all the great submits I wasn’t able to upload. A bottle of Night Train to everyone.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Yup. Your narrator is already drunk. Because it’s Friday.

And, as we all know, the concept of the “Weekend” is simply a temporal framework to justify habitual alcoholism.

Here’s your links:

Regis and Kelly dress as Jon and Kate HCwDB for Halloween. It’s a simulacra of an echo of a postmodern pastiche. And stupid.

For the nerds among us: Baguette shuts down Large Hadron Collider. No word on if it was Josephine.

Most underrated genius videogame of the 1990s: Parappa the Rappa. Kick! Punch! It’s all in the mind. Don’t get cocky! It’s gonna get rocky!

What happens when a couple of Aussie douchebags in Melbourne decide to produce their own party video? Nothing much for the first two minutes. And not much more after that. (this may actually be the longest, most boring, and slowest rap in history)

An Indian douche in New Delhi sues Lynx bodyspray for not getting any hotts. That won’t curry favor with the jury.

Bags on Board. Not what you think it is. Although they’re experts at cleaning up poo.

Ass Pear as optical illusion? Disturbing.

Here’s your real Pear… Desk Pear.

Go forth, kids. It’s time for good times. And by good times, I mean hott liberating. And, of course ‘bag mocking. From a safe and healthy distance.

Skin Comics

I’ve got it. New art project: Skin Comics.

A new framework on avant-garde storytelling as art.

The viewer sits on a chair in an empty downtown Soho gallery, staring straight ahead. And these tools run by, one by one. Each one telling a different panel of our superhero: Doucheman.

The art is found in the modality of communication. Ambulatory panels of corporeal story telling. Think of it as a critique of the mechanization of man, the inscription of the body, and the alienation of the image as a projection of the self.

Oh, and I see you too, Betty Hott. I’ll get to you at the gallery after-party. We will sip champagne and discuss Proust, and then I will grab your butt with deep repose, and pensive aplomb.

HCwDB Hallows Eve Contd III

Full post coming tomorrow of all the ‘Ween pics, but here’s HCwDBs own g0dluvsugly getting the ladies to kiss the Bra!! Gunshow.

While Ubiquitous Red Cup watches with ironic appreciation.

Friday Haiku

Robopud and bros,
Make monkey poo hand gestures,
While Lana hates life.

The unemployed
Construction jobs scarce for bags
Sign of the times

— ImageWrangler

Gaelic alphabet
tattooed across hairless chest
Franzia drinker

— and you will know us by the trail of the douche

Ouiji-tat left douche
has no nipples; right’s are gross.
Wish we could see hers.

-Bagnonymous

Civilization
Never meant skanks with meatpuds
Aquinas doth weep

— Fyodor Dostedouchesky

Detroit Tigers cap
Hiding on the the ground, ashamed
Can’t be seen with douches

— Roscoe P. Scrotestain

Four scowls and a smile
MandanaBag’s a Newbie
Life sucks in Fresno

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Hott’s face says it all
“What is that stench behind me?”
Oh, it’s quadra-poo

-noobbag

Bagpoleon Strikes Back

HCwDB of the Week winners The Bagpoleon Complex and Josephine respond to the community with erudite clarity:

—-
YEAHHHHH WOOO HOOO YOU I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF…

WOW YOU TOOLS MADE MY DAY!!! KEEP WRITING I WANT TO TAKE UP THE WHOLE BLOG!!
—-

And a few moments later, his hott chimes in:

—-
i dont understand why u guys gotta talk so much shit.. This guy is f*cking hot… i think all of u gotta look in the mirror before talking….. stop hating ppl!! why cuz hes got a hot body n u dont? ooohhh wait is cuz hes got the hot girl and u cant get near anythin like that right!!! EXACTLY
—-

Oh no I di’int.

I believe I was just made to talk to the proverbial hand.

EDIT: Bagpoleon has posted his phone number in the comments threads and requests that people talk shit to him in person. 305-(edit: phone number appears to be a fake, sorry Miguel).

HCwDB Halloween Continues

All right, I hear all yer bitchin’ that the pics this week haven’t been up to snuff.

Alls I’ll say in your humble narrator’s defense is that I’ve been swamped with admittedly hilarious Halloween pics, which I’m planning on putting together into one big post in the next few days.

Many regulars and semi-regulars, like dennis ‘bagger pictured here, came up with some truly inspired douchosity.

But as a result of so much ‘Ween, the regular pics haven’t been coming in as much.

So bear with as I clear out the secondary pics this week. I promise to make it up to you. And by promise to make it up to you, I mean STFU, the site is free.