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Friday, November 27, 2009
Where’s Waldouche? Chinpube Edition
Somewhere in this pic of an extremely expensive first date hott with a cute little bump-nose, I’ve carefully hidden a chin-pube swirling hat wearing asshat.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Friday, November 27, 2009Where's Waldouche? Chinpube Edition
Somewhere in this pic of an extremely expensive first date hott with a cute little bump-nose, I’ve carefully hidden a chin-pube swirling hat wearing asshat.
Look closely.
Can you find him?
Friday, November 27, 2009Reader Mail: Enough With the Douchebaguettes
Sarah writes in with a complaint:
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DB1,
I’m sure you hear this a lot… but a lot of the pictures you put up unfortunately have chicks who, though technically hott, are clearly just as douchey, if not more so, than their male counterparts.
Yet you usually fail to mention this. Such an intellectual as yourself can surely see the logical folly in excusing ‘baggy behaviour, simply because it’s exhibited by the female of the species? I think this may call for a new category: Douche Couple.
For the HCwDBs moniker to REALLY work, the chick in the picture has to exhibit innocence, beauty and be seemingly un-orange-streaked. If she’s as douchey as him, it just looks like anyone with tits can be a loser and not get pwned for it.
What say ye, Douche Master?
– Sarah
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I agree that the truly toxic HCwDB pic contains exactly the alchemy you describe, Ms. Sarah. But we must also witness the Bleethed out Douchebaguette, in all her douchery, as the warning of our times.
As to my own skills at mocking female douchitude, this is a concept I explain at length in my book, and is generally referred to as the douchadox. The moment at which boobie hottie suckle thigh calls to me, and overrides my critical faculties, preventing honest critique. This is also a sign of the ‘bag within, and represents the limitations of subjectivity. And boobies.
Friday, November 27, 2009Friday Thanksgiving Limerick
There once was a boxing lightweight,
Who liked to vibrate his jailbait,
But the crowd on the wall,
Did forestall his girl maul,
So instead he’ll aerate his prostate.
Yup, that’s some high class humor on this Friday. I blame the Turkey.
Thursday, November 26, 2009Happy Thanksgiving!!
From the cast of Gossip Girl II: Still Living With Our Parents in Our Thirties.
The Overcooked Turkey
Important advice this Thanksgiving season from “Healthy Cooking:”
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Thawing the Turkey
If you get a frozen turkey, you’ll need to thaw it in the coldest part of your refrigerator in its original wrapper with a tray resting underneath. You’ll need to allow 24 hours for every 5 pounds of turkey.
Preparing Your Turkey
Be sure to pull out the neck and giblets from the body and neck cavity of the turkey.
Don’t laugh. More experienced cooks than I have made the mistake of leaving these parts in, only to find the house warmed by the smell of burning plastic an hour later.
Other important prep factors include the size and shape of the pan and the way the turkey rests in the pan.
When I called the Butterball help line — a useful resource if there ever was one — I discussed this issue at length with them. And they convinced me that putting the turkey in a pan no deeper than 2 to 2-1/2 inches is ideal and resting it on a flat rack is key.
Or you can just mock it from a safe distance.
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Thanksgiving Dinner Etiquette
Some excellent advice on proper dinner etiquette this holiday season, from “Rental Decorating:”
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5. Once seated, stay awake!
Look to your hostess to lead. At this meal even the most unsuspecting people will say a grace, for instance. The hostess will indicate when to start passing things, and when she starts to eat, you may eat. Facilitate the meal for others – start passing the shared items, the salt and pepper (both), the butter, the cranberry sauce, and the gravy.
6. The passing of things.
If your plates are served, then when someone asks for the salt, pick up both the salt and pepper and place them down beside the person next to you. They are not passed hand-to-hand, and only the requesting party may use them. Inefficient? Manners are not about efficiency.
7. Make conversation.
It’s an active thing! At a smaller seating, there may be one general conversation; in a larger group, talk with the people across from you and on either side of you. If you’re conversation-challenged, work with your coach and come up with a list of conversation-starters, i.e., Did you see that great special on PBS last night? What are your plans for Christmas this year? How was the traffic at the airport? What football team are you rooting for? Start training your children young. Help them come up with a list of things to talk about. They’ll love it and feel included.
8. Mocking douchebags
Should any ‘bags be seated at your table this Thanksgiving, be sure to mock and ridicule their absurd choices of clothing and preening narcissism. Your host will appreciate it! Then steal the gibblets from their plate when they’re busy talking to the person on the other side of the table about the benefits of Creatine and Muscle Milk. Then hit on their girlfriend.
Be sure to follow these easy etiquette guidelines this Thanksgiving, and yours will be a festive and happy occasion!
And remember. Ubiquitous Red Cup is watching. Always watching.
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Thanksgiving Side Dish: Corn Pudding
Readers share their recipes:
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I have never had corn pudding before but decided to make this just as “something different” for Thanksgiving.
I was reluctant, at first, because I come from a very traditional family and I wasn’t sure how they would take it. To my surprise, everyone loved it and raved about it! Even the pickiest and most critical eaters loved it. The only problem I had was, since I’ve never had corn pudding before, I really wasn’t sure what the texture or consistency of it should be.
It says “pudding”, so I’m thinking it should be the consistency of pudding. But then maybe I was mislead by the directions on the recipe where it states that it’s done when a “knife inserted in the center comes out clean”. Well, I waited and waited, and kept setting my oven timer over and over again, waiting for the knife to come out “clean”, well, an extra 30 minutes or so later, it still wasn’t clean and I don’t think it ever did come out clean.
So, for those of us that are trying a recipe like this for the first time, maybe the directions should be more clear and less deceiving. Although this came out really good, I’m still going to give it a 4, only because of the directions and the extra amount of time needed to make sure it was cooked (as per the directions).
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HCwDB: The Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel
Between Scribbles #1 and Scribbles #2, the Wretch just barely eeked out the win (loss) over Boobies and the Cosmobag, leaving the Mutaint a distant third.
On this short week Turkey Wednesday, lets go to the videotape:
Publius Choadius Naso: Wretch-a-Sketch FTW. Because tattooing “End Stereotypes” on your skinny white neck among a cacophony of gang-inspired affectations and amidst a pell-mell of emo-inspired fashion is the perfect way to get that particular point across.
Saving Private Guido: Wretch-a-Sketch… because I would prance alongside her in Kenya, shielding her from ravenous lions… and because I want to karate chop his soul.
The Donger: Wretch for the win. If anyone could make my unborn son cry in the womb, it would be him. That picture alone makes me want to be a better father.
Sluggo: Wretch-a-Sketch for the win. The guy’s entire life is built around his desire to look more like Travis Barker than Travis Barker looks like Travis Barker.
End the Haberdouchery: Having multiple tattoos about what a badass you are does not a badass make. Want to scare people with a tattoo? Get a narwhal f*cking a unicorn on top of a rainbow. Why? Because you have to have seen some messed up shit to get that tattooed on your body.
Troy Tempest: Wretch-a-Sketch it is for the win. Why? Simple: he’s a complete and utter douchebag – pure and simple. I’m really hungry right now, and I haven’t the time today to go into this farther – I have to go get something to eat before I pass out.
manimal: FTW…? Gotta be the (Gut) Wretch… He is just so insanely horrific I feel sick… Fortunately, he is destined to work the night shift at a 24-hour adult book-store, in downtown Flint, Michigan –
Wheezer: His desire to transform himself into a pseudo-Travis “Forever a Carnival” Barker shows dedication to the douche craft of perpetual instant gratification. Besides, the attitude he exudes in both photos (dual hat tilt accompanied by head tilt) makes me dizzy.
memphis doucheworkers local 421: wretch a sketch and zebra. as if bertrand russell didn’t have enough reasons to deny the existence of god
Jacques Doucheteau: Wretch FTW. He is a skid mark on the tighty whities of society. I guess one would just shave off all their body hair, then get eyebrows and chin pubes permanently etched in if you get crabs as often as McScribbles here does.
dbBen: Wretch-a-Sketch. Because Jezebel has a mother and a father. And someone must speak for them. Just as Ender became a speaker for the dead, I will speak for the mothers and fathers whose hearts are broken because of douchebaggery. “Come home Chiquita Hott, we have fresh pomegranates from the backyard and are just putting on Tortilla Soup featuring Hector Elizondo. We know it’s your favorite.”
Mr. Scrotato Head: The Census of Marine Life announced today that it had discovered 1000’s of new species in the deep recesses of the Librarianus Trench, an exotic chasm located in the depths of the heaving, bouncing Funbaglantic. Unfortunately, most are single celled bacteria, viruses, and yeast. Oh, and one mottled shrimp called Retch-a-Sketch. True story. Retch for the win. Biodiversity for the loss.
Well said panel, although Jezebel is not getting nearly the love she deserves for that poochable pooch. And since Turkey is coming up fast, lets move on to our #2 winner (loser), The Cosmobag and Boobies:
bourbon bill: Librarian hott has the boobies of my dreams. She can shush me all night while I comfort Karla and bandage her broken thumb with extra care. Cosmobag can sweep the meat off my porch. What does this mean? Booobies for the win!!!
jimmy manners: Wretch-a-Sketch is bad, but Cosmo made my monitor greasy. And sexy librarian boobies seal it. I will bury my head in them now.
Sergeant Scrote Stain: ‘Tis the week to give thanks, and I shall. I’m thankful for boobs, librarian glasses, boobs, and boobs. Cosmobag is more than douche enough to hold up his end of the scrote bargain with stupid glasses and general Persian douchitude.
Adrian.W: Gotta be Cosmobag FTW! I haven’t seen a Douche:Boobie ratio like that since the now infamous Chris Angel and Holly Whatsername pair up. Plain an simple.
Snoop Douchey Bagg: Wretch-a-Sketch is a sub-human Rent-a-Wreck and in any other week may have won. However, Samantha is too hott to be denied, and Cosmobag reminds me of every weaselly car salesman I’ve ever met. And car salesmen are always douchebags. Cosmobag FTW
True that, SDB. Samantha’s boobies may see the light of day again. And by the light of day, I mean chomp. And in distant third, The Mutaint:
ManBearPig: With the glowing orange face, hair freshly harvested from the north side of a tree, sunglasses that are worth more than his ’94 Ford Topaz, flashy watch, double skull shirt, and ultra douchetacular pose, the Mutaint is a carefully handcrafted cornucopia of scrote.
atomed: The Cosmobag is punchable, the Wretch-a-Sketch is baseball bat-able, but the Mutaint is gunshot-able, no douchotomy for me, The mutaint wins.
Anonymous: The Mutaint FTW. The hotts with The Mutaint remind me of the wholesome goodness of a three pack of TastyKake Krimpets. The Mutaint reminds me that I have to pressure wash the part of the driveway that doesn’t get any sun, so I can get rid of that moss. I could go on, but I think “Pfft, what a douche!” says it all. Oh, and put me down as voting for Jennifer as the hottest ‘bag huntress.
Mutaint was a long shot but I wanted to give the ladies a chance to win a Weekly since it was such a good ‘tag. So lets let Parabellum take us home for Turkey:
Travesty Barker, Wretch-a-Sketch, the lesser member of Stink18Poo, FTW. For his is the ultimate in non-reversible douchism.
They should have a photo of him in every tattoo parlour as a warning.
He is to tattooing what Michael Jackson was to plastic surgery.
Well said team, and another excellent comments thread of turkey carvings and sweet peas. Chalk up Wretch for next week’s abbreviated Monthly, and the DB1 for breakfast cereals of sugary persuasion.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009Crotchet and Stubbs
Crotchett and Stubbs have one thing to say to you from the bowels of Miami.
It is a request for you to perform sexual congress upon yourself.
Shakira Hott refutes their aggression by calling for sideways peace.
For she is like Gandhi and Mandela. Only sideways.
