Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

E-Blo just Voted

HCwDB of the Year finalist E-Blo (far left) just threw a hott party (complete with bros and alien light show) before casting his vote in this week’s Weekly.

You may not be able to tell how excited E-Blo is by the total lack of expression on his face. But he is overjoyed.

Note the sideways peace sign. Like with dogs wagging their tail, that’s the giveaway for E-Blo to demonstrate joy.

HCwDB of the Week

One more slot to fill before the HCwDB of the Year begins. You know what to do.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Dissected Frog

For giving me the chance to make the rare E.T. Erika Eleniak reference, the ‘Frog makes the Weekly.

And for punchable douche-face, chin dribble, hair spike and hieroglyphic hand gesture.

And on the H.C. side, she may not be conventionally hott, but pouty Long Island Princess, Vera, does it for me.

She just wants to finish cosmotology school. Because she wants to be an astronaut.

Also, lets not forget Frogger’s #2. There’s something fascinating about girls who giggle while their douche makes two “Shocker” hand gestures.

Tee hee hee, he’s describing what he’d do to your weewee and hooha!!

And for originally appearing back in June as Alpaca Farm Head, as well as possibly popping up elsewhere over the months, Frog gets his shot.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Robopud

Killer douche cyborgs sent to clean up crime in futuristic Detroit always make the weekly.

Robopud also brings two A-List brunette party hotts to the giggle table.

With bodies a slammin’. Of great genetic quality.

Expensive drinks and texting of friends.

But there’s something about Robopud that qualifies him as truly mockworthily scrotal.

Yup.

You guessed it.

Groin Shave Reveal (GSR).

One of the absolutely worst of the 2009 ‘bag innovations. The act of revealing the shorn testes to the world. I smell a 2009 Douchie Award for this concept. And by smell, I mean smell.

Also, Mona’s butt on the left deserves an Ass Pear award. Extremely biteable.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Salt Lick

For mackin’ on the barely legals with that douchey-ass hair.

And then actually scoring some drunk roofie makeout with ‘bag hand gesture, The ‘Lick earns his place in the Weekly.

Not to mention the Goofy gloves.

And not to mention the nip pinch of douche #2.

We even have “Lost Ed Hardy Zombie” in the background.

And Hustlin’ Vietnamese Trader Guy on the left.

Add ’em up, and it’s a worthy third entry in our Weekly.

(Dis)honorable mention to The Trollbag, who just missed the cut for being more freakish than douchey, and Brooke and the Tangelo, who sort of fascinate me but I’m not sure why.

Them’s your three. We have an abbreviated few Weeklys left before a final Monthly, and then the Yearly at the 2009 Douchies.

You know what to do.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Smoot Says “Grroooo”

HCwDB of the Year candidate and scoliosis sufferer, Smoot (without Crystal, on the right), has picked up the gauntlet thrown down by E-Blo on Friday by bringing in Hall of Scrote legend King Douchuous the IV to validate his chances.

As well as two Hoochie Blondes, a secondary douche, and Brothabag Vern. Who just wants to go home.

Yup. The Yearly is going to be a smackdown of epic proportions.

Just to get you ready, here are your HCwDB of the Year finalists who will be competing at the 2009 Douchies:

1. The Ghoulbag and Tri-Hotts
2. Crimson Ted and The Legs Girls
3. Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
4. Anchor Chin and Racquel
5. E-Blo and Brittney
6. Bucky and Kathy Hott
7. Smoot and Crystal
8. Mack the Nozzle and Francine
9. The Poopaloompa and Jane
10. Sir Sucks-a-Lot and Assorted Hotts (wildcard)
11. TBD

One round of three HCwDB of the Year semifinals (3 per), and then each winner in the finals.

Hmm. Eleven makes my job confusing, as I’m not sure how to break down into three groupings of preliminary voting to determine our final three couplings. May need to drop the bottom two from contention.

In the meantime, get ready. The 2009 Douchies are almost here.

Smoot Says "Grroooo"

HCwDB of the Year candidate and scoliosis sufferer, Smoot (without Crystal, on the right), has picked up the gauntlet thrown down by E-Blo on Friday by bringing in Hall of Scrote legend King Douchuous the IV to validate his chances.

As well as two Hoochie Blondes, a secondary douche, and Brothabag Vern. Who just wants to go home.

Yup. The Yearly is going to be a smackdown of epic proportions.

Just to get you ready, here are your HCwDB of the Year finalists who will be competing at the 2009 Douchies:

1. The Ghoulbag and Tri-Hotts
2. Crimson Ted and The Legs Girls
3. Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
4. Anchor Chin and Racquel
5. E-Blo and Brittney
6. Bucky and Kathy Hott
7. Smoot and Crystal
8. Mack the Nozzle and Francine
9. The Poopaloompa and Jane
10. Sir Sucks-a-Lot and Assorted Hotts (wildcard)
11. TBD

One round of three HCwDB of the Year semifinals (3 per), and then each winner in the finals.

Hmm. Eleven makes my job confusing, as I’m not sure how to break down into three groupings of preliminary voting to determine our final three couplings. May need to drop the bottom two from contention.

In the meantime, get ready. The 2009 Douchies are almost here.

The 2009 Douchies: Let the Nominating Begin

The 2009 Douchies are coming. They begin December 7th.

Our two week orgy of excess, heavy drinking, ‘bag mocking and assorted hottie lusting where we go through and process what we’ve learned this year. Where we vote for the best/worst of iconic couplings from our hyper-stimulated over caffeinated media culture, our changing understandings of body, gender, alienation in the age of modernity and really sexy boob reveal.

Get ready. For it’s goin’ down.

But before we give out the awards, I need your help. As a regular reader, a comments thread veteran, or even a casual visitor to the site, here’s where you need to tell me which pics stayed with you. Which hottie/douchey cohabits offer themselves as exemplars of merit. And by merit, I mean poo stain.

Here’s the categories for nominations this year:

Hottest Hott
Best Golden Globes
Smells Like Poo
Orangest Orange
Crimsonest Crimson
Most Expensive First Date Hott
Douchiest Hair
Douchiest Facial Expression
Douchiest Hand Gesture
Greasiest Greasestain
Most European Eurobag
Douchiest HCwDB Celebrity Couple of the Year
Most Annoying ‘Bagling
The Ricky (aka the “Everybag”)
Greatest Crisis of Modernity
Hottest Girl-Next-Door Hott
Bleethiest Bleeth (aka “The Douchebaguette” for the douchiest lady)
Most Innovative ‘Bag Maneuver of 2009
Most Likely to be Part of the Permanent Collection of the Guggenheim Art Museum in 2023
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection
Best ‘Bag Hunter of the Year (Comments Threads)
Best ‘Bag Huntress of the Year (Comments Threads)

Suggest which pics should be nominated in some or all of these categories, or just suggest which pics from the past year deserve recognition. Some categories will be open to voting. Others I’ll just give out, since I’m usually drunk and can’t add up that many votes.

Feel free to come back to this post if you need more time and enter your nominees/suggestions. But help me out. I can’t do this without you. I need you. Anita! Don’t go. The plants’ll die!

Get your ass ready for the 2009 Douchies are almost upon us. Strap in and strap on, cuz it’s gonna be a bumpy moob.

Friday Thoughts and Links

I ponder the human form on this breezy Los Angeles Friday. The Ed Hardy-ization of the self.

Yet even as I weep for the present Hardpocalypse, I toast the future.

For we will move through the spectacles and find the truth, even as our brains become ever more cluttered by the shouting heads on TV, the noises on our phones, the blinking lights on our streets and the greased up moobs in our clubs.

I’m feelin’ optimistic on this Friday. But it could be the plate of wheat germ and mashed yeast I just enjoyed.

Here’s your links:

It’s always worthwhile to remember and honor the greatest seven minutes in cinema history. Put that coffee down.

In case you were wondering when the HC is the DB, I give you: Douchebaguettes.

How to battle the Ed Hardy plague? Australia fights back. “No dressing up like David Beckham” for the win.

Next thing you’ll tell me, babies are douching it up in the womb. At least I think that’s a baby. It could be Quatto from Total Recall.

The usually pretentious and cloying McSweeney’s does a nice job targeting the The Weightliftscreamerbag.

What to do with the detritus of ‘bag culture? Recycle.

Last week’s Shake Weight infomercial has a pretty funny YouTube parody.

John Gosselin tries to de-douchify through ironic comedy and ditching the Ed Hardy. Is still a douchebag.

Okay. You’ve been good. For watching John Gosselin attempt comedy, you’ve earned it:

Tropical Ass Pear.

Enjoy it with an after dinner mint.

Ask DB1: Is MMA Auto-Scrote?

—-
DB1,

TM
—–

I place macho spectacles like Tap Out and the MMA in with the WWE. So much of it is a theatrical, cartoonish performance of hyper-real masculinity that some basic leniency is granted to the performers paid to act that way. Making fun of these fighters acting douchey would be like calling out Stallone for greasing up for Rambo. Stallone may be a douche, but not for performing as Rambo in a film. It’s part of the shtick.

But calling out the fans who hope they can play tough guy dress-up to get hot poonany? Absolutely. If you cover yourself with brand names and labels, and they’re not paying you to wear them, you are autoscrote.

Lord Twatlickious the Third

PIC DELETED

Because if you act that stupid with that level of hottosity draped on your shoulder (Bleethed as she may be), then you deserve to be knighted as an aristocratic scrotleman.

Therefore, I dub thee…

Lord Twatlickious The Third.

Friday Haiku

Meaty Ogre face,
Wrinkles with thigh grab pleasure,
Sue looks for exit.

The latest Rourke film
“The Thigh Wrestler.” The Oscar
buzz is starting up.

— Mr. White

Old ‘bag cops a feel
Cindy Lou needs an escape
Use pin, pop bicep

— Justin

‘Roid abuse renders
Spike’s tattoo illegible
Perhaps that is best

— Summer’s Eve

Poor Sue weeps inside.
“Not too late to finish school”;
She thinks for comfort.

-Amerigo Vesdouchey

Backstage at ‘Jovi
Mike and Helen wait for Jon.
He lied to them both.

— boatbutter

Those thighs make chickens
At KFC blush with shame
And hers are big too.

— Crucial Head

HCwDB After Dark

Come on in!!

It’s late nite here at HCwDB, with the Salt Licker macking on the barely legals, and your humble narrator sippin’ from an Ubiquitous Red Cup of the ‘Train.

What to talk about?

Pull up a chair. Observe as Tiny Pink Princess warily endures the ‘Licker’s arm hook.

Grab a Cheeto. Tell me your problems. What’s on your mind?