Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Month: The Poopaloompa

It came down to Bagpoleon and Poopaloompa, with the Poopster getting enough support to make a double win(loss) for us.

Even with Jane, a secondary lady in the presence of pure hottwater like Josephine, Alana and Charleez, the Poop was too toxic to be denied. Poopaloompa and Jane for the double: Closet of Poo and for the Yearly. And lets not forget Poopa’s second log.

The voters speak:

Archidouchies: Poopa. Duh. Bagpoleon has the hottest hot, but…just look at Poopa! He’s so orange, people with jaundice offer him their livers. Poopaloompa FTW.

Troy Tempest: Poopster FTW. Why? Because he looks like a Romulan ditch digger who sleeps on a bed made of cheez doodles.

bagwagger: I used to sleep like a log, and now I can’t because of one. If a vote for Poopa makes the nightmares end, it’s worth a shot.

Anonymous: Poopaloompa is grotesque enough on his own to claim the monthly, despite the highter caliber of Hott competitors (Poopa’s girls aren’t that bad though). Poopaloompa. Time to jump out of my office window.

One for the Choad: the question is: does Poopaloompa’s doucheness trump Charleez’s hottness? Sadly, it does, and she’s my favorite hott on the site. That’s how strong Poopa’s scrote factor is. If his doucheness were gravity, everything would crumble to dust on the ground.

Dunkin Scrotenuts: The orange pumpkin head scares me to death but the second pic makes me want to kick a puppy.

manimal: Ooooomp my loompin poooompa… By far the scoatiest über-choad of them all. Plus, he is Orangé!

DarkSock: How, as men and women of conscience, are we NOT going to send Poopa to the Big Dance? He is Epic. He is Squint-Eyed Corruptor. He is Orange; more orange than Chester Cheeta’s colon.

Anonymous: Poopa’s women would give you the best sex of your life; the other “hotts” would stare at the ceiling wondering 1) if you were done yet and 2) wondering if they could sneek a Twitter in while you’re grunting and distracted. Don’t dis poop’s troop.

Señor Squash: Who doesn’t admire an egotistical mini-douche who gets to play under a desk in his daddy’s office all day and then stand on an empty Grey Goose carton and score chicks who’re smokin’ hot but dumber than a sack of used ferret litter? I don’t, for one. That’s why POOPALOOMPA gets my vote.

The Donger: Out of all these pieces of crap in the toilet bowl of life, Poopaloompa is the only one you should call your doctor about. Poop FTW.

Wedgie: Poopaloompa for the win. Not just because orange is the color of victory, but because he is, to use his own words, a “handsome devil”. And by devil, I mean “one who must be eradicated”.

Skid: Poopaloompa gets my vote. He actually gives poo a bad name. Soccer mom hott (not) should know better but really hates her ex-husband. Charleez has the best boobies.

El Caganer: The others have hotter hotts by far, but the Poopster bathes in Sunkist Soda. His hott is not, but anyone with Poopa should induce rage.

Douche shower and shave: Strong group of rectal refuse here. The stench that this group gives off makes unborn children weep and curse the world they have yet to enter. The toxic trash that is the Poopa must have this win. His tangerine skin oozes infected pus. Poopa FTW.

Expertly sliced, ‘Bag Hunters and Huntresses. Normally hott and choad require meaning. With Poopa, rules are bent and physics laws are destroyed. But lets not forget The Bagpoleon and his #2, Bagpoleon strikes back.

Casey D: Josephine is the epitome of bleethed-out hott, and Bagpolean the embodiment of all that is douche. They’ve opened their mouths to removed all doubt, and for that, it would be a crime to deprive them of their rightly earned monthly. Besides, I would like to call Bagpolean to congratulate him personally. And by congratulate, I mean pretend to be a debt collector offering to forget about the unpaid credit card bills in exchange for one night with Josephine’s nail file.

Anonymous: Bagpolean FTW. I was ready to give it to Cheez on account of his hott, but I scoped her slightly tatted boob in pic 3. She gets downgraded to baguette, and Bagpolean slides into #1.

J Bone: I have to go with Bagpoleon FTW. He proved himself to be a douche of the highest caliber with a comment thread in the same vein as illustrious poo-mavens Fishslap and the Donk. Poompa for Orangiest Orange, but not for one the 12 most scrotastic super-puds of the year.

Justin: It is a combination of the hottest hott with one of the sickest bodies since the hourglass, and ‘polean’s comments in the thread. What a fucking douche.

Well said team. If he hadn’t opened his egotistic mouth, I’m convinced the dialectic of Bagpoleon/Josephine would’ve won. Coming in a sad and forgotten third, the Cheez, who deserved better. And by better, I mean more mock:

Scooby Douche: Charleez, you are hot chick, and you are with big douchbag. Poor Charleez, come back into the light and let me rub healing medicated cream all over your nooks and crannies.

Jacques Doucheteau: Charleez is a creamy piece of dulce de leche just waiting to be unwrapped and sucked on. I would kick a prepubescent Congolese rape victim in the throat just for the chance to have my head dunked in the same toilet used by Jason, the tire tech who fixed the flat on Charleez’s Durango

Sergeant Scrote Stain: Cheez FTW. The mere fact that he is touching Charleez via skin to skin contact is a crime against humanity, hell, the birth of Cheez alone violated the Geneva Code. The Cheez brings what the others cannot: a lengthy criminal record and a hott with two meat melons worth all the gold of ancient Arabia.

eltango: cheez is a primordial neanderthal poo with a strong instinctual grasp on the concept of hot boobies. he is basic douche with a ph level of 14 and charleez’s boobs eat a hole right through…well…they just eat a hole. delta cheez!

ehcuodouche: There’s no substitute for real Cheez. Four pictures and he delivers classic 100% American douchebag in every one. Now he can head back to the service station with pride and fix my damn transmission. I’ll keep Charleez inner thigh properly suckled while he’s away.

And poor Barrowbag. Such a douche. So forgotten. Even with A-List quality suckle thigh, Alana.

The once and future douche: Being a member of the fairer sex, when I have previously voted for HCwDB, it has always been based on the strength (and by strength I mean poo) of the douche in question. Barrowbag’s Alana has made me see the light. I would lovingly hand wash her shorts in a sink full of Woolight for dark clothing (so I don’t ruin them, of course, we ladies know these things) before awkwardly shoving my foot into her boots when she takes them off after a long night of go-go dancing. I would also sc
issor with her. Hard.

Although that aroused me, we have to get back to work. The Orange Poop was too much. Even with only Jane, he crushed his competitors and booked a ticket to the Yearly. Lets let Mike take us home:

Anyhow, the Monthly Winner and recipient of the Lopsided Chalice of Immortal Scorn is none other than the dastardly Poopaloompa. No male stipper before or since has so perfectly melded the sheen of an overripe tomato with the Lorenzo Lamas scowl, Disney boy band hair, and Dr. Strange chin pube configuration. The brocade of average Midwestern housewives confirm to me the male stripper occupation. Nowhere else would we see such a configuration except for the Iowa bachelorette party circuit.

Even with b-level hottness, the Poopa proves the power of superdouche can carry dialectic. And I’m okay with that. Poopa for the Yearly. And the DB1 for Corn Pops.

The Salt Lick

There comes a time in every man’s life when he turns thirty. When responsibilities begin to creep up on him.

When the posters tacked to the wall with putty and thumb-tacks begin to come down. To be replaced by pictures in frames.

When discarded rugs found by the dumpster are no longer enough to operate as a living room beer towel.

At this point, that man can appreciate his status as no longer that of boy. No longer early twenties party guy. Time to grow up. Get a job. Clean up the house.

Or he can just grease up his hair, dye a patch, and become the Salt Lick.

The pay sucks, but the fringe benefits are great.

We Are Douchebags

I don’t usually post the many scripted douche comedy bits circulating the interwebs, as I find the real thing so much more funny, but this one’s mildly amusing.

The Caveman ‘Bag

Thanks to TMZ for the shout-out on yesterday’s show in regards to this pic of Yankee Johnny Damon and wife. I suppose a shirt like that qualifies Damon and wife as a stage-1 HCwDB.

Although no hand gestures and annoying bling make it hard to mark Damon a true douche.

And no Yankee Cap at 10 Degree Hat Tilt.

Which would’ve been douchey and ironic at the same time.

The Caveman 'Bag

Thanks to TMZ for the shout-out on yesterday’s show in regards to this pic of Yankee Johnny Damon and wife. I suppose a shirt like that qualifies Damon and wife as a stage-1 HCwDB.

Although no hand gestures and annoying bling make it hard to mark Damon a true douche.

And no Yankee Cap at 10 Degree Hat Tilt.

Which would’ve been douchey and ironic at the same time.

Where’s Waldouche? Frat Party Edition

Somewhere in this pileup of giggle hotties and generic nottadouche fratpuds, I’ve carefully hidden a shirtless punkass Waldouche.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Where's Waldouche? Frat Party Edition

Somewhere in this pileup of giggle hotties and generic nottadouche fratpuds, I’ve carefully hidden a shirtless punkass Waldouche.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Sunhead

If I ever need to pop 36 balloons simultaneously, I now know who to call.

The Trollbag

One of the hardest douche categories to tag in the wild is the Trollbag. They’re wily creatures. Hard to spot.

Trollbags are known for demanding a fort-pence to let you pass, gnawing on the bones of Englishmen, and rubbing up on Suburban State Hotties from Iowa at the summer carnival.

The Trollbag featured here is known as Red Rum, the 70s Love Troll.

Poor Kimmy Sisters. They just wanted some cotton candy and to go on the tilt-o-whirl.

The Jewschbag

Mazel Tov! Hebrew Harry has attracted a five-pack of Shiksa Goyim Treyf hotness.

Well, a four-pack of Shiksa Goyim Treyf hotness.

And Rachel Hottowitz in the black dress.

Who’s slumming it the summer before Brandeis.