Reader Mail: South of the Border 'Bags
Rodriguez writes in:
—-
Greetings DB1!
Geographically speaking, I live in the ass of Mexico.
Somehow, Ed Hardy douchery has made all it’s way to my hometown, a small city in the Yucatan peninsula. Even though we don’t have a derogatory term for them yet, they seem to be multiplying like wet Gremlins.
Alas, the hott is not what you’d call a hott, but keep in mind this is third world hott we’re talking about. And, if you do post this, they’ll never know. Internet here is for the royal family only.
Greetings and congrats on your website.
– Rodriguez
(p.s. I am Mexican, with a sense of humor and auto-mockery)
—-
There is a word you can use to describe them, Rodriguez. It’s called “douchebag.”
However, I disagree on the hott factor among Mexican Latina women. Fiery Mexican hott pockets inspire my minute man to want to partake in their border patrols, and my itinerant migrant workers definitely want to examine their produce.
And yes, that last sentence wins the award for worst comedic analogy of the week.
primero, putas.
I believe the tranlation goes a little like this …ducha portátil
Rodriguez,
DB1 (of course) beat me to it, but man, don't ever discount the hottness quotient of your fine Latinas! We 'baghunters here at HCwDB are equal opportunity perverts —– I mean, lovers —– and we like the fine hotties of all nationalities, from the "first" through the "nth" worlds, and…..well, we love all things boobie hottie suckle thigh.
Did that make sense?
Oh, and we're sorry for the spread of the Greico virus to your part of the world. We do try to stamp it out, but this is proof that we must maintain a worldwide vigil against this disease of douchebaggery, so your letter is most welcome to these efforts.
Join us in fighting the good fight!
– Wheezer
Rodriguez,
I am an equal opportunity bag hater and hot chick lover.
This coming from one yankee who thinks women from central and south america are some of the most beautiful in the world!!
Hooray for Latina boobies! After losing my virginty to a fine Mexican lady some seven years ago, I hold a special place in my heart for the Latina hott.
And by heart, I mean pants.
It appears to me that there are many a similarity between Guido and Mexican machismo and thus both cultures are more than succeptable to douchebaggery.
Those guys are puds. Those chicks give me a boner. Seems pretty standard to me.
Those cochinitas are as hot as a pib.
SSS @ 2:24 draws a valid comparison…It seems that cultures which are prone to machismo also have high levels of Douchebaggery. Italians, Hispanics, Arabs….hmmmm. Cultures that tend to be more Matriarchal seem to have less of it, i.e. the Irish. Not bag-free, but certainly less among their ranks than the Italians, this is certain. Interesting, SSS. I think you ought to be the president of the Social Anthropology department at Bagger U.
Count your blessings brother Rodriguez, for my father’s family hails from Oaxaca. Technically, this makes us the festering lesion in the asshole of México. Likewise, my infrequent visits to the fatherland have yielded numerous Hardy, Affliction, and Harley Davidson knock-off sightings.
If only the stereotypical mustachioed, bullet-belted, sombrero clad mestizo-douche was all that we had to be embarrassed about. Alas, douchebaggery knoweth no borders.
I blame that fucker Cortes. If Spain hadn’t sailed their small-pox into the heart of the Mayan empire, cock-suckers like Ed Hardy would have been splayed on a stone alter and had his filthy heart scooped from his chest with wooden spork. Yes, Mayan’s invented the spork… at least that’s what my father told me.
Douche Batches? We ain't got no batches. I donn have to show you any stinkin' batches.
Douche Bags? Oh,… never mind
Sorry, Rodriguez; looks like the Yucatan Peninsula is about to become the Orange-Tan Peninsula.
I am El Nino. That is Spanish for The Nino.
Looks like brothabag in the back is on lookout duty. I hope he sees an oncoming stampede of cattle.
Write-in canidate for DBOTY.
ACTUALLY, the A-cup hott on the left is quiet hott, though maybe a bleeth too due to kissy lips, pose, glasses, earrings,… well, everything. Still, hott.
-crazy-sexy-douche
@crucial
Yeah, but if Spain hadn't invaded, then your calendar would have ended at 2012, and then what? THEN WHAT?
Unless…well…somebody knew basic arithmetic. And in fact, the Mayans were pretty good at math, coming up with a symbolic representation of zero before most Europeans, so… I'm not sure where I was going with that.
@medusa
I'm fascinated to hear what string of text you Googled to get that image. "Hello Kitty pimple rash vomit"?
@ Crucial
I thought Oaxaca was cheese?
@ Medusa
That was one of the most horrifying pictures that I have ever seen. So terrifying in fact, that I hereby resign from my post as the dean of anthropological studies at Bagger U to begin an immediate and thorough killing spree.
I vow to make our world a better place.
Or at least a less populated one.
So obvious DB1 wrote this himself. Sorry DB1 but you did that for a photo a girl I know was in and you claimed she wrote it.
There may not be many Irish douches, but they all drink more than most Italians. Let alone douche or douchehunter. *Glug glug glug*
@Anon 4:26pm
DB1 also knows who the real killers of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman are.
And the boss ain't sayin' shit about it neither.
I like DB1 Conspiracy Theories! Here's another:
DB1 was on the grassy knoll.
DB1 knows who killed the Black Dahlia.
DB1 is Samurai Scrote.
DB1 is Surfer Kelly.
DB1 kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
DB1 is the reason why the U.S. will never have universal healthcare.
DB1 is the reason why The Bills will never win a Super Bowl.
DB1 knows the true secret of TARMAL!
DB1 knows all 31 ways to prepare roasted porch beef.
DB1 knows who killed jean shorts in the 80s.
DB1 is the only one who can differentiate between the hott and the big fat pussy.
DB1 knows where Medusa and I have the playpen, in spite of the fact that we once had to move it after Pinochet died. No one needs to know why.
DB1 knows what really happened to Darksock's boat.
DB1 knows what really happened to Plinky.
DB1 knows why Pfah is bald.
DB1 is one of the three people in the world who know the proper technique for going ha-ha on someone's ass.
DB1 knows why Maggie Simpson never grows.
Here at Casa-La-Douche we love the latina hotts. We have Tacos every Tuesday, so we know, we know. Be proud of the Latia hotts and mock the douche, brother.
DB1 knows the secret behind Dane Cook's genius.
DB1 knows what the tattoo on each and every Free Mason's ass looks like.
DB1 knows how to make Communism work.
DB1 knows the true, lost ending to "Blade Runner." Hint: Deckard is made of butter.
DB1 knows how to grow an exact copy of HoH Veronika using just stem cells and a dash of Scotch.
DB1, in an act of wanton disregard for safety, placed a fire hydrant behind Tiger Woods' SUV.
@SSS&@Medusa: I concur. Macho==Douche-o.
Brahmin men from India are also huge douches. They're so arrogant and condescending, you'd think they were Brits.
There aren't that many Dutch douches.
And in most of France, everyone is so fucking skinflint middle-class, nobody can afford the bling, so they go mostly on attitude.
Although, France has produced some gigantic laughable douches like Johnny Hallyday, who is basically a bad caricature of every cartoon the French believe of Americans.
DB1 knows The Donk's deepest, darkest secret. (Hint: He wants to be on Project Runway.)
DB1 knows The Gator's true secret of success. (Hint: Rohypnol.)
DB1 keeps Hitler, JFK and Elvis in a secret room under his pool house.
DB1 knows Bra's secret pain. (Hint: See Gator re: Rohypnol.)
DB1 is the father of the 1st, 3rd, 9th, and 16th Duggar kid.
DB1 knows where Hoffa's body is, and why there is a box of nerds jammed into the corpse's rectum.
DB1 knows the location of the secret island that the government filled with buxom, bicurious librarian hotts, who scamper to and fro, just waiting for someone to devote their lascivious attentions to.
Are you guys still talking about DB1 and everything he knows?
DB1 knows that I gave myself an erection in my last post.
DB1 knows The Lamp's dirty secret. (Hint: See Hoffa re: anal Nerds.)
DB1 knows Miss Anon's secret sexual fetish. (Hint: Vaginal intercourse.)
DB1 knows why I'm spending my time writing these, instead of doing something else. Anything else.
What?
Quincineras just ain't what they used to be.
DB1 thinks that 5:14 meant "Every Anonymous is Darksock," which arguably makes more sense.
Oooohhh boyyyy is this great! I started an epic thread all by myself!
Along those lines, DB1 knows who the three people are who post as all of the regulars on this site. And two of them are Darksock. (Hint: The third is Flyteeth.)
IPinherbutt.com
DB1 FUCEN KNOWS THAT H(RROBILE THING MY MOTEHR DID THO ME!
DB1 knows that Spursfan was an agent sent back from the future to warn us of the coming apocalypse, but nobody listened.
DB1 knows how to mathematically prove what the perfect boob size is.
DB1 knows why the much-hyped movie "Avatar" is going to suck. (Hint: James Cameron.)
DB1 is short for…D.B. Cooper.
They're certainly on their way to world class douchedom. They got the right clothes, and sunglasses (although that close to the equator, that's forgiveable). Need a hat tilt, though. Work a bit on the kissy lips.
But the latina hotts? Uh, if there's hotter boobie hottie suckle thigh down there enough such that you'd dismiss and discount these two fine pieces of nummy? I'm on the next plane down.
My god, they could say anything they wanted to me in sexy sounding Spanish, and I'd probably spend (physically and monetarily) on autopilot. And what I mean by that is, aye carumba, los boobies!
DB1 knows where Atlantis is.
DB1 knows where Atlanta is.
All right guys, let's not get crazy up in here.
DB1 knows how to turn pee into gasoline.
DB1 is goatse. Google it and see for yourselves.
DB1 wrote the screenplay for 2 Girls, 1 Cup, but he's disappointed about how it turned out. It was supposed to be 2 Girls, 1 Ubiquitous Red Cup.
DB1 wrote Wikipedia.
All of it.
DB1 knows what Charles Foster Kane really meant when he said, "Rosebud." It didn't have fuck-all to do with no sled.
DB1 knows what the glowing shit in the suitcase in "Pulp Fiction" really was.
DB1 has seen rare video footage of John Mayer not being a douche.
Federbag shops in Ed Hardy store…..
Gee, who knew?
BB1 has the skeletal remains of Amelia Earhart stashed in his dining room closet, and uses her rib bones as salad tongs when he entertains guests.
BB1?
Mr. White. Your simple-minded babble is not funny. Go suck a bleedy dick.
DB1 knows that bleedy dick has the most flavor.
DB1 knows who BB1 is.
DB1 slipped nine bottles of five-hour energy drink into Mr. White's dinner.
Mr. White's new book: DB1's Theorems?
"Bleedy dick" – is that the British "spotted dick" with cherries on top?
@wheezer
Not just a book, but a party game and a DVD.
DB1 has the exclusive rights to all NFL broadcasts and can use them without the NFL's expressed written consent.
Good – I wanna spin the big boobie wheel and land on Quartasian Mia Sara Hott.
@wheezer
Just remember that you get extra points if you get the "Boob Grab" card first.
DB1 knows about the stunning oversight into research on the Goldbach Conjecture. (Hint: It fails for the number 5.)
"Pumpy Points"? This game should take off, and just in time for Christmas!
DB1 knows how to turn the economy around.
@ Mr. White 3:52
Interestingly enough, I had typed in "Severed hand". There's a long story behind that one.
DB1 knows who killed JFK.
DB1 was the mastermind at Gitmo.
DB1 shot J.R.
DB1 knows where Amelia Earhart's plane is (Hint: under the pool at Rehab)
America gave the Grieco Virus to the world.
Mexico gave us the Swine Flu.
DB1 has keys to Area 51.
DB1 knows who's going to win the 2017 DBotY
DB1 wipes his butt with poison ivy.
DB1 was the guy filling Michael Jackson's prescriptions.
DB1 can type 500 words/minute… with his cockk
DB1 is the sickest sign-language rapper alive.
DB1 has a brother named VH1; their blood type is Spork.
DB1 performs traecheotomies on first dates
DB1 raped a bear in a Brooklyn taxi once, causing a major accident, yet still honored a desperate take down request while undergoing cockk surgery. True Story.
DB1 can hardboil eggs in his asshole. Three at a time.
DB1 has the Saints going all the way to losing the Superbowl this year; "Who Douche?"
DB1 does
not wipe his ass; he strikes it 29 times with an honest brick.
O Lord the ambien tendrils b Kikken in now stepchild
DB1 watched a good man eat a salad that had been farted on by a bandy legged man named Boondock Taggert, yet did nothing about it.
No remorse. Until today.
DB1 knows that in 2023 Bleedy Dick will make it into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Rush will still be shut out. Yet rocking on.
DB1 sings the body electric.
DB1 does not blow goats. I have proof.
DB1 can juggle ho-hos and take a bite out as they fly past his face.
DB1 ages his T-Bird in a bucket.
DB1 dances like a lumberjack named Alice. Which means he knows the Tango by way of telepathy.
DB1 puts a bone in his nose to make it taste better. It also becomes sentient.
sometimes i have this urge to suddenly become a drug lord so i can fuck some world class Mexican booty.
what?
DB1 knows better than to use undefined articles.
DB1 hocks up a loogie called "The Universe".
DB1 knows where I can find a vintage Pioneer SX-1980 receiver from the 70's "receivers wars", 375 wpc, for less than $1350, mint….but he aint sayin'…
p.s. i'm Asian, and as such, i'm not supposed to have a sense of humor.
p.s.s. no offense to your bag hunting commitments, Rodriguez, but what kind of cocky fuck would advertise his sense of humor so unabashedly?
DB1 secretly makes huge profits from all the unpublished pic takedown requests he has amassed over the years.
All emails are 100% real, but I did make the editorial decision to swap out the rather weak pic submitted with the email for this far funnier one.
That being said, HCwDB still has more editorial integrity than the Washington Post.
– management
DB1 worked the hotlines during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
If Rodriguez thinks that these ladies can't be called hotts, I'd like to see what he does consider a hott. Then I'd like to move to what he calls "the ass of Mexico."
Mr. White,
Please send me some of your top shelf meth.
It is the polite thing to do.
I promise to use it all in one sitting like any other self respecting drug user.
Thanks in advance,
S Cubed
@Mr. White:
**Applause**
DB1 fired the first shot of the Revolutionary War in Lexington, a small province of Massachusetts Bay. The shot, a small, petrified box of grape flavored Nerd's, was expulsed from his kegel-worn anus into an unsuspecting Redcoat’s temple – where it burrowed its way like a ravenous hyena through the brainwashed Whig’s frontal lobe, before exiting in a brief, but boisterous burst of arterial spray, into the cupped and trembling hands of Baron Von Goolo… who then proceeded to slurp the eternal life-giving blood in thankful mirth, before slinking back into his lair some 3,200 miles away in Portland, Oregon.
True Story.
Just ask DarkSock. He was furtively watching this all unfold from the protected underbelly of the Old North Bridge, whilst furiously sketching Mid-Century Modern isometric elevations of Porch Meat packaging plants… centuries before Orville Lloyd Wright copped his linear designs.
Or, was it Wilbur Wright?
@Thomas
The things I could tell you about Latina's if Mrs. Head weren't beckoning me to bed right now are inconceivable.
I truly believe they may be Lämp's perfect female creation.
But then again, I don't think HyperSexualGirl is Latina. So, I could be wrong… wouldn't be the first time.
me gusta las cholitas, as long as they aren't douchitas.
DB1 knows how to hold on to his wallet.
@Mr.White stop obsessing over DB1! He’s only the creator of the best website since the internet was created.
DB1 is Keyser Söze
I am starting to think that DB1 created the Grieco virus in order to give us a reason to mock
DB1 sang "I want my MTV" on Money For Nothing.
@SSS
A full kilo of Mr. White's Mystifying Meth is on its way to you. They are hidden in a box of Nerds, as always.
@crucial
I reprinted several of Darksock's isometric drawings in the last geometry text I worked on, without express written or implied oral consent. True story. Just don't tell him.
DB1 found a writhing baby in a garbage can. He raised this child and sent him to Central Connecticut State University where he played football and meandered into acting. His breakthrough role was appearing as Detective Dennis Booker on the shows 21 Jump Street and its spinoff Booker.
That's right.
DB1 is Grieco's father…
BOM-BOM-BOMMMMMMM!
DB1 knows what dosage of Adderall keeps Herr Weiss sane.
DB1 knows how to find the position and momentum of any subatomic particle with complete accuracy.
DB1 can make the sun rise in the west if he wants to.
DB1 knows why Bell's inequality really isn't an inequality.
DB1 knows the secret to melding quantum mechanics and gravity for a Theory of Everything.
DB1 knows why all my students are mouth-breathing idiots but he won't tell me.
DB1 really knows what a Higgs field is.
DB1 is responsible for particle physicists not finding the Higgs boson.
Mr. White,
I shall honor your generous gift by engaging in a binge equaled only by the mighty Chris Farley.
You'd be surprised how many uses meth has, especially the grade A gak that you sent me. I'm going to brush my teeth with that shit, sprinkle it on my pancakes, powder my balls with it, wash the dishes with it (then of course drink the dish water), hell, I'm even going to use it as lube when I molest my life size blow up doll of Francine.
I'm so excited that I peed a little in my pants.
I like you ( in a drug dependency sort of way),
S Cubed
DB1 will never let the Higgs boson be detected for reasons he only knows.
Only DB1 knows why they're called chick peas.
Doc Bunsen is bringin' da physics. And I like it.
DB1 knows the true secret of dark matter. And occasionally he dips his balls into it.
DB1 knows if P = NP is true or not, but he won't tell. But he has used his result to create a computer that can feel love.
@ S^3
You should also apply it liberally to your head because it can grow hair too. Hell, put it in your shower head so you can get a good buzz right after you wake up. Soak your toilet paper in it too (no need to elaborate further). Put it in all your AC vents to stay "up" all day. Did you know that it works well as a replacement for coffee creamer? I think you are limiting yourself. Think about every surface you touch during the day and how you can alter it for that constant buzz.
P.S. If you and Mr. White buy the supplies, I'll cook you up some even better shit 🙂
DB1 found multiple errors in Godel's reasoning, so now Godel's First and Second Incompleteness Theorems are in fact Complete.
DB1 made the world's first quantum computer 20 years ago but he won't tell anyone how he did it.
@Doc Bunsen
I just found 37,000 tablets of Claritin D…umm…on the sidewalk. I think I might send it to you. Not for any particular reason (wink, wink).
@ Mr. White
DB1 was really the person that solved Poincare's conjecture but he refused the Field's medal because he's cool that way.
@ Herr Weiss 8:23
As long as they come in a package wrapped in plain brown paper with the words "The pearl is in the river" I'll know what to do with it.
Would you like the extra strength variety or the "I-think-I'm-seeing-Aztec-temples-crawling-from-the-woodwork" variety?
The south of the border bag should be deemed…the 'Wetbag'
@ Dr. Bunsen
Gak in the ventilation system? God bless you, I'm not going to sleep for a month, and let me just say right now, by the end of it my apartment will be cleaner than a underground government static free research lab.
As for cooking up the bomb shit, you need to get the supplies from Mr. White, I only contribute the ravenous addiction. Pretty sure Mr. White manufactures his supply from a contraption that utilizes premium cokk rings and titanium jelly dongs that filters porch meat through reverse osmosis.
Yeah, that machine, known on the streets as the Cokk Beefer, makes the good shit. Good enough to satify Kris Angel for over twelve minutes. Impressive.
DB1 performed five consecutive conformal transformations on a symplectic manifold and as he performed the fifth non-commutative Hamiltonians were born. Using this new found quantum indeterminacy he then created a micro-universe made entirely of porch beef. A hundred years later Plinky's mom ate it after a night on the lash and threw up New Jersey.
DB1 satisfied Kriss Angel for more than twelve minutes. He won't say how.
DB1 knows that once the WMAP data is properly decoded it will reveal that the universe is shaped like a box of nerds. He'd explain why but the restraining order the Triangulum galaxy has against him explicitly prevents that.
DB1 knows why Florida is shaped like a wang (Hint – Gibraltar straits)
@ Scroteophobic
You had me at "symplectic manifold".
Seriously, what kind of physics do you do? I'm just a poor theoretical chemist trying to solve the world's hydrogen storage problems.
db1 is hoping for the Saints and Colts to meet in the Super Bowl after identical 16-0 seasons. There can be only one.
DB1 can find two boundary components on a Mobius Strip.
And there's my one attempt at high geek humor.
Anthony Peedis thought the Mobius Strip was a tittie bar.
Ahhh. That's a little more my speed.
DB1 was Alexander the Great's top military adviser when Alexander was pushing his conquests westward.
^ EASTWARD. fuck.
DB1 knows who the real Miss Anonymous is and couldn't give a rat's ass or a poop shit.
Tres cucarachas! Yo soy cansado.
Chinga los douchebag-os.