Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Wedding 'Baggers
Da dum da dum… da dum da dum… da dum de scrotes, dum de scrotes, smells like poo poo…
As if the hand gestures weren’t bad enough, out comes the douche poses.
Jeans and sneakers, eh?
Classsssy…..
Fail Satan!
Just imagine what the wedding reception looked like, considering what these 4 choads look like.
Just tell me they had to be sterilized before they were issued a marriage license.
I would like to think they are Texas fans, but that's not it.
Why, God…why?
CHOAD: "Baby, I'm telling you – all white jeans, vans & keepin' it real. We will look so money."
BLEETH: "he, he, he. Like, oh-emm-gee, you are SO right. Tammi, Tiffany and Merlot will look SO hot."
The fact that she agreed to douche up her wedding, the day that tradition says most girls dream about all their lives, that they start planning for in their early teen years, tells us more about her than it ever will about him.
So sweetness, what did he have to swear to do/not do to get you to agree to this abortion?
To get a real job? Honest, a real job, one that pays every two weeks. To stop calling your mom "Cameltoe Bitch"? To swear off putting his dick in your mouth while you're asleep? To stop f*cking your friends? To not get one of "those stupid tats" across his chest, you know the ones with the Ed Hardy logo?
Just curious. 'Cuz between you and me, that promise is going to last about as long as it took to take those photos.
Hope you kept an eye on the brides maids.
Oh, and for fun, at lunch he's going to eat ungodly food so that when you go to bed he can shart and force your head under the covers.
What's fun about that? The part where he keeps your head down there and makes you blow him.
Oh God, my aching sides. He is just too f*cking funny. Ain't marriage grand?!
Props to these folks for their MASSIVE sense of humour.
I will imagine the REAL wedding happened the next day. Imagining anything else diminishes my natural belief in the inherent goodness of all things love based and love centered. Peace.
Howie Mandel must be hittin' the Rogain pretty hard lately.
AV
Those aren't the groomsmen. Those are really the busboys for the reception. The real groomsmen were too ashamed to show up for the wedding so they had to make do for photos. I'm sure her parents, are so proud right now, after realizing this human flotsam is now going to be showing up at Thanksgiving dinner in a couple of weeks.
Must have been John's wedding. That shit is so cash.
I keep hearing about how NATO forces will from time to time supposedly bomb an Afghan wedding, mistaking it for a Taliban hootenanny.
Perhaps we could let the Afghan air force bomb this wedding reception as a token of our regret.
We'd need to give the Afghan air force time to rent a crop duster or a piper cub. Or a hang glider. Or even a tall ladder and a hand gun. Fuck, I'll chip in. Get to work, boys!
I hate to say this but apparently the West has officially failed.
Nomination for 'Baguette'. Please give her a name, DB1.
I guess the shocker was too complicated for these per-amoeba life forms to master. Shoot me now, I want it to stop.
These two will go down as one of the classic love stories of all time, in the same breath as Lucy and Desi, Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe, or Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger. If these two crazy kids can't make it, what hope do the rest of us have?
lesbian wedding?
Would someone please explain to me this outbreak of faux hawk? I see it everywhere now and it makes me sick. While I am certainly not an erstwhile authority on fashion, I fail to see anything attractive in this cultural debacle that seems to be invading the entire freakin' planet.
Am I missing something? If that's what is "in", point me to the nearest exit…
Using the latest camera equipment, the photogropher captured beaautifully that fateful moment when, as the wedding party flashed an inspiring group hand gesture, their withered and forgotten souls popped unnoticed from their bodies and ascended slowly into the smog filled heavens above Chula Vista.
Unfortunate. The probably got divorced a month after he lost his job at 'The Buckle', and she had to double her stripping workload by doing more 'private' shows.
Ah,
some day,
when they're old and gray,
John and Carmella will sit back on the old porch swing,
that doesn't swing,
because they have no porch,
and John had to Duct Tape and Liquid Nails it to the side of their manky,
dinged-up,
trailer,
and then used the chains to tie up Brüno the wonderdog to an old cinderblock out back,
and by back I do not exactly mean 'yard',
And as they have a good hollerin' crackup about how stupid they all once were,
and still are,
and how funny dentures are,
and how a strip of Sea-Bond can really weld an old whore's snatch dead-shut,
and how Glenn and Howie both died in a freak sewage treatment plant dynamiting prank gone horribly wrong,
and how Dave went to prison for rogering Carmella's maid-of-honor with a farm animal,
at Denny's,
during the Breakfast rush,
that little Alicia is now Staten Island's most successful sub-five-foot nail artiste and lesbian prostitute,
and how that dad gum bitch Sarah went off to Boston,
settled down,
and had 3 daughters,
all of whom look just like Jennifer Connelly with short hair,
And Carmella will crack off an especially sturdy Fart,
for her age,
tearing the entire metal sidewall right off the trailer frame,
pinning them both temporarily underneath it,
mercifully suffocating John with one of his dislodged glass eyes,
and revealing John Jr.,
nekkid as a jaybird,
banging the crap out his 14 year old 1st cousin,
on the bedroom dresser,
cuz grammaw's bed wouldn't'a been couth.
Time to go pop some Effexor.
So I jump in My DeLorean and head back 15 million years ago. I find the first being that is walking upright on only two legs. I show them this picture and they emit a cry so loud and soulful that it brings tears to my eyes. Immediately after that, the being goes back to walking on four legs, devolves a bit more and scampers away never to be seen again.
True story.
@wonkydouchey^
The imagery is cringe inducing. Well done.
Did these lovebirds get married at The Spearmint Rhino where they first met?
Is anyone else thinking purple ties + blenders = lots of fun?
Ah! Soon to be livin the american dream. A three bedroom bungalow, picket fence, and two and a half little douches running in the yard.
How the hell are they going to get all the baked mostaccioli stains out of white shirts and pants?
I'm confused. Individuals in both pics seem to be mugging for the camera with an element of irony. In other words, they seem to be parodying douchebags… but at the same time they really *are* douchebags. You'll notice it especially in the second pic.
What's up with that?
Anyway, this is totally the type of wedding where I'd get completely shitty, end up going back to the bride's equally-wasted-bar-skank-aunt's hotel room, then hate myself in the morning and eat ten or eleven Krispy Kremes on the way home.
Meh. I tend to sink to the circumstances when I drink.
^ Mike
I just got off a four day bender man, let's just say certain actions were taken by myself that I will never utter aloud.
If you were in fact forced to go to a wedding of this *caliber* your ony ration option would to get absolutely blacked-out shit slammed. Anything less may suck your soul into the douche aura that surrounds you.
If I happened to go to this wedding, I might have to dress and act the part of the douche. Why?
I love banging bridesmaids.
Did best bagger raise ubiquitous red cup to make the bridal toast?
Who cares about the people in the picture? I wanna see the PARENTS! I mean, was there a dowry involved, or was this monstrosity self-funded by the happy couple?
Wedding parties are always expensive, even crappy ones like this. All we see here is the clothing, which is bad enough, but what about the booze, the velour tablecloths, the cake, the >gag< entertainment? I just want to see who bankrolled it- they're probably rich, senile, and don't give a fuck.
Oh, and I'll bet the wedding cake looked like this:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_wGr8njEWjtI/SPa7BKGsnVI/AAAAAAAAAuc/bJUjJBBH5I0/s1600-h/Summer+R+beer+%26+boobs.jpg
acch, sorry I don't know how to insert a link title yet!
@General Electric
If by "dowry" you mean "$15 WalMart gift card," I think the answer is yes.
Howie Mandell got the coolest bros and the skankiest babes to be in his wedding party!!
This is not a wedding. This is a reunion of the one-hit 80's wonderband Tonsil Hockey with Tonto; which later morphed into the seminal band Jamaican Scratch-Hole Posse.
I believe they once opened for The Glory Hole Doilys.
Mr. White can confirm or deny that last rumor.
Overheard at Chili's last night:
"Federline, party of eight. Federline, party of eight… will someone tell those idiots to stop posing on the patio and come inside?"
Twenty-five years from now, Jason and Stephanie's kids will see this picture and say, "Well that explains it!"
A match made in hell.
Douchebaguette of the year, peeps. If you're willing to douche up your wedding this way, you might make Douchebaguette of the Century.
Who knew that General Zod was the best man.
At first glance, I swore these were Navy men at a wedding, then…OMIGOD, was I wrong.
PHOTO number two literally takes my breath away.
But then, so do peppermints.
@ Whoop-di-douche
But then, so does an unexpected punch to the gut
If only Pachelbel had a real cannon.
So maybe the system doesn't work after all.
Nice to see douchebaggery has spread to the nation of White Trashistan.
And by nice I mean I am ashamed… so very ashamed…
Inspiration: Mr. White
Cover Band: Big Haired Guido and the Jerz (Bon Jovi cover band)
Bridal Dance Song: Livin' on Welfare (sung to the tune Livin' on a Payer)
Once upon a time not so long ago:
Tommy has to work suckin' cocks
Wal-Mart won't hire him
He's down on his knees – It's tough
so tough.
Gina works the runway all day
working for her pimp
She brings home her pay for meth
for meth.
She says: The 8 kids are pissin' me off
It doesn't make a difference if we feed them or not.
We've got a trailer and that's a lot for us –
Fuck those damn kids!.
We're half way there – Livin' on welfare
Take a hit and drown in despair – Livin' on a welfare.
Tommy got the government cheese.
His Nova's on blocks and he has STDs –
Food stamps
it's tough.
Gina dreams of running away
but she knows that its useless
Tommy whispers: Baby
I'm gay.
We've got to hold on to what we've got . . .
We're half way there – Livin' on a welfare
. . .
We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the cheese when it's all that you've got.
We're half way there – Livin' on a welfare
. . .
We're half way there – Livin' on a welfare
. . .
We're half way there – Livin' on a welfare
Her parents must be so proud.
What is that "style" these dudes are sporting? Is that some kind of skater shit? Emo something-or-other?
I'm too old for this shit.
@Dr. DB^
Bwaaahaaahaaa! I hold my lighter up high in praise!
What can I say that Scrotato at 7:27 hasn't already, besides "I give it three years and eight months." The first year is the adjustment, the second is her trying to force him to change, the third is her trying to catch him in the act of fucking her best friend/his ex because they've been leaving hints all over Myspace. The remaining eight months is the time they spend fighting in divorce court, mostly agitated by her parents urging her to take him to the cleaners, and him balking because she's "a little bitch" and he has nothing to take anyway.
I always thought the Oblongata wedding was among the greatest acts of matrimonial fraud ever committed, but we have clearly been knocked out of the running. Mr. O had the decency to insist on black tuxes and dress shoes, even despite the fact that I was wearing red.
Blew up that fantasy. Thanks a lot.
Jersey.
Please don't let them breed.
Please don't let them breed.
Please don't let them breed.
Please don't let them breed.
Please don't let them breed.
Please don't let them breed.
Please don't let them breed.
Please don't let them breed.
Please don't let them breed.
Please don't let them breed.
Please Dear God Please don't let them breed.
may the lord be with you…
Honeydouche that Bon Jovi parody was money. Still, it is kind of fucked up that you listen to Bon Jovi.
Why would a girl like that mess up her wedding day she probaly will only have 6 or 7 in her whole life.
French for shower.
@ IDKMWM 4:03
Notice I called it "Matrimonial Fraud". He is in fact the EX-Mr. Oblongata. But I think fantasizing about fucking someone else's wife is pretty hot, so, carry on.
now i know what the wedding of Sir Twatlickious's "best friend" might have looked like.
this was a wedding where no adults were present during the planning stages, isn't it?
Why are all the guys dressed like Cheesecake Factory waiters?
I weep.
PS Jacques Doucheteau @ 12:35pm you are a gentleman and a scholar.
I actually know a couple of these people! It's pretty damned funny. Especially since this type of douchebaggery seems to be on the rise in Arkansas.