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Monday, December 7, 2009
HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 1
And so the 2009 Douchies begin. Bring it. Your A-Game. For the Yearly is here.
Here’s your HCwDB of the Year finalists for Bracket #1 (of 3):
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #1 (Bracket 1): The Ghoulbag and Tri-Hotts
The Ghoulbag was our first Monthly winner of 2009, back in February.
Often forgotten in the cylone of pudwhack that came down the track in his wake, the Ghoulbag reminds us of rocker douche and all that it suckily entails.
And what of the tri-hotts?
Quality fondle.
Impressive shoulder suckle.
Collegiate giggle pillow fights and talcum powder.
But really it’s the Ghoulbag who carries this pic to yearly status. Who the hell makes dual “rocker” hand gestures while wearing grillz, bling, and hat tilt?
A Yearly finalist. That’s who.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #2 (Bracket 1): Crosshair McJohnson and Leia
A raging guyliner wearing squat turd. Uber-pumped up muscles. And a sweet Latina hott.
Princess Leia Latina Orgaana and the Wookie with the Crosshair were major contenders from the start.
With their run of ancillary pics, here, here and here, they left no doubt.
Crosshair brings the frosted tips of true loaf to the game. Leia brings bitable stomach muscles and pouty lips of Latina fiery hottness.
But what cinches it is the doggie baggin’ pose.
Uber-taint.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #3 (Bracket 1): Anchor Chin and Raquel
From the moment Anchor Chin and Raquel first appeared back in May, it became apparent that this combination of sleazebucket and curvy princess had what it takes in HCwDB toxicity to go all the way.
Here they are in the yearly, with only one pic to rely on. That’s hottie/douchey dialectic.
But also with two very obvious assets at work.
Can Raquel’s anchors carry the greased up facial turditude of Anchor C. to an upset win?
The hottie/douchey poobaggery is strong with this one.
Boobs and chin pubes. They could very well make it.
HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #4 (Bracket 1): Bucky and Kathy Hott
Bucky got mad game, and he got crazy skillz. And he got Kathy Hott. And he’s gettin’ his party on. And celebratin’.
And now he’s in the Yearly.
From the moment his nuclear fission generating four-dimensional hat tilt ripped a hole in the space/time continuum, Bucky was poised for big things.
With tanned Kathy Hott, she of the glorious smile and tremendous tatines, the HC side was more than spectacularly filled, if slightly douchebaguette, as well.
Kathy Hott had her own party run here and here
But what sends Bucky over the top is the welding gloves.
Yup.
Bucky is Running with the Goose with welding gloves on.
So them’s your four, the first of our three semifinalist brackets to anoint our three finalists. Do not melt down from the pressure.
Be calm. Think hot chick. Think douche. Think which of these four couples is the most toxic and therefore the most worthy. And then vote.
Vote like you’ve never voted before.
Sunday, December 6, 2009B4-4 Gets Ready for the 2009 Douchies
Because watching crypto-gay greased up Canadian douchewanks teach a young black kid about the benefits of ignoring homeless men in favor of partying on a beach, while singing to him about the importance of reciprocal oral sex, just never gets old.
Saturday, December 5, 2009The 2009 Douchies Start On Monday
December 7th, 2009.
A date that will live in poofamy.
Yeah I’m pimping this worse than a cow with rickets trying to dunk a basketball.
No idea what that means.
Saturday, December 5, 2009Ask DB1: Use of the term “Hater”
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Hey db1, quick question for ya,
It is basically an unspoken rule that anyone who says or calls anyone else a “hater” is a huge douchebag, right? Like, even if they don’t look douchey, that one spoken term condemns them to autoscrote?
Aside from being the go-to insult from the mouths of choads everywhere when they feel slighted, it just sounds retarded. It’s vaguely reminiscent of school children on the playground saying, “Liar liar, pants on fire!” or calling one another a “tattle-tailer.”
What say you?
-Douche of Arabia
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Yes, D of A, and an excellent point. There are three descending levels of auto-douche conferred upon using the word hater.
Level 1 — Simply using the word in any way, shape or form to refer in an abstract sense to those who might disagree or criticize something.
Level 2 — Using the word ironically, in a self-aware hipster variation.
Level 3 — Using the word in an email or text, but spelling it “hatter.”
Saturday, December 5, 2009Ask DB1: Use of the term "Hater"
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Hey db1, quick question for ya,
It is basically an unspoken rule that anyone who says or calls anyone else a “hater” is a huge douchebag, right? Like, even if they don’t look douchey, that one spoken term condemns them to autoscrote?
Aside from being the go-to insult from the mouths of choads everywhere when they feel slighted, it just sounds retarded. It’s vaguely reminiscent of school children on the playground saying, “Liar liar, pants on fire!” or calling one another a “tattle-tailer.”
What say you?
-Douche of Arabia
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Yes, D of A, and an excellent point. There are three descending levels of auto-douche conferred upon using the word hater.
Level 1 — Simply using the word in any way, shape or form to refer in an abstract sense to those who might disagree or criticize something.
Level 2 — Using the word ironically, in a self-aware hipster variation.
Level 3 — Using the word in an email or text, but spelling it “hatter.”
Friday, December 4, 2009Friday Thoughts and Links
Where’s Santa Claus? On the hottie/douchey horizon.
But not before the 2009 Douchie Awards have been fully celebrated.
Here’s your Friday Links:
You know what would make a great stocking stuffer and holiday gift this season? The HCwDB book, of course.
Buy it. Yeah you. Mister or Missus “I’ll Get Around To It” who’s been reading the site for free for years. Pony up, scroteface.
Cat Hardy goes trolling for pussy.
The Wall Street Journal tries to stay hip with the kids by describing the man cleavage phenomenon. If the WSJ really wants to track douchebags, they can start with their editorial department. Using fifty cent words to deny science still means you’re an idiot.
It seems like a ton of sites on the interwebs are jumping on the Funny Oompa Loompa Orange Guy photos bandwagon. Just remember where it all started.
PeeWee’s Playhouse just got weird once they adapted it for B.E.T.
Cleveland Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore puts in a late play for Douchiest Athlete of the Year. (warning, baseball bat nearly visible)
Anyone who thinks the war on scrotebaggery is over, think again.
And if that Ed Hardy link depressed you, here’s your cheer up:
Froth Pear, and More Froth Pear.
And Ass Pear: The Movie.
(look for the brilliant use of Eisensteinian Soviet-Montage at 1:20)
Mmm… chompy.
Friday, December 4, 2009Reader Mail: The Kids Hate Ed Hardy
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O.K DB1,
Either you have an illegitimate son here in Philadelphia, or your influence is spreading down through grade school.
Here’s a conversation I just heard between two 7 year old boys who were walking home from school as I was heading back to work:
Kid #1: Do you know who I hate? Ed Hardy!
Kid #2: I don’t know who that is.
Kid #1: Ed Hardy is a draw-er. He draws on clothes and the clothes cost $500 apiece. And you know what? The drawings are stupid. The people who buy them are REALLY stupid.
Kid #2: I hate Ed Hardy too!
There you have it. I swear on a stack of the ubiquitous red cups that’s how it went down. Isn’t your faith in human nature redeemed? Near, far, whereever douche are, I know that the mock will go on!
Love always,
Fermay La Douche
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This is good news from the children’s front, thanks for the update F.La.D. However Ed Hardy will simply mutate (as it did from Von Dutch) in a few years, so we must remain ever vigilant and continue to mock it’s douchey ass wherever we find it.
Friday, December 4, 2009Don’t Call Them Guidos
Ah, dude, the preferred nomenclature is “Jerz Guid Scrotepud.”
Don't Call Them Guidos
Ah, dude, the preferred nomenclature is “Jerz Guid Scrotepud.”
Friday Haiku
Crowhawk eyebrow wax,
Velvet Rick James Superfreaks,
Asian Doll’s soul weeps.
Dong the Magic Pawn
Has ship anchor around neck
Keel haul douche pirates
— Crucial Head
Anyone for hoops?
Drop a trey through my ear hoop
for buzzer beater.
-noobbag
Dork flashes west-side,
Patrick Ewing grimaces.
Run away, Tia!
— Bag A
Golden clad tape worm
Hangs around, seeking some crumbs
Before heading home.
— Teddy Tendergrass
Hey Bro’ Cash For Gold
Would fund many Hennesey
And the cabfare home
— Vin Douchal
