Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: “Pool Pear”

From April. I dub this piece, “Pool Pear.” It will be centrally featured at my first major gallery show at New York’s Guggenheim museum in 2023. I will be hailed as the first neopostmodern classicist. Even though I am not the first. Which is the point.

I will not sully its composition by placing a 2009 Douchie Award graphic on it, but it is our 2009 Douchie Winner.

I have carefully calibrated its composition to display elements of Ass Pear, hidden Waldouche, and existential query into the meaningless circuity of life within our fragmented post-human framework.

Other works to be included in my gallery show will include Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.

Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023: "Pool Pear"

From April. I dub this piece, “Pool Pear.” It will be centrally featured at my first major gallery show at New York’s Guggenheim museum in 2023. I will be hailed as the first neopostmodern classicist. Even though I am not the first. Which is the point.

I will not sully its composition by placing a 2009 Douchie Award graphic on it, but it is our 2009 Douchie Winner.

I have carefully calibrated its composition to display elements of Ass Pear, hidden Waldouche, and existential query into the meaningless circuity of life within our fragmented post-human framework.

Other works to be included in my gallery show will include Ass Pear in Chains, Still Life with Wheelbarrow,and FratsnHotts Playing Pool.

The Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award: Donkey Douche

In 2007 it was The Gator.

In 2008 it was Fish Slap.

The legend of Donkey Douche is long and inglourious on HCwDB. From his rants about HCwDB to his arrest for threats of terrorism and bribes in a courthouse, the Donkster has not only maintained an amazing ability to pull hotts, but also to grow older and more orange.

The Donkster is simian legend.

Donkey Douche has inspired musical compositions, as this one by HCwDB’s own Vin Douchal (“Donkey Opus in Douche Major”).

But let me not speak for the legendary Double D. As Mr. Douche wrote to us in August:

—–
U people are the nerds and drones of the earth. While some of us are livin life you people sit on your computers blogin away like wastes of lives u are. Funny thing is people are out to get me , but i will beat my troubles, you people will still be worthless. I walk by people like u everyday, but funny thing is I DO NOT NOTICE U, WHY, BECAUSE U PEOPLE ARE NOBODYS. MUST SUCK TO BE A NOBODY!!!

4:58 PM
—–

To the Donkster’s conciliatory tone and making peace with the HCwDB community, the Donkster has never failed to entertain.

So for that, and for his Ukranian Hott, the Donkster earns the third Irving Thallbag Lifetime Achievement Award.

Come up on stage and get it, Donk. You’ve earned it.

Smells Like Poo: Poo

Particles of turd and a well earned 2009 Douchie Award for HCwDB bronzer legend, Poo.

Now someone please flush.

Douchiest ‘Bagcessory: Blackberry Bob’s Forearm Blackberry

A well annoyed 2009 Douchie Award for September’s Blackberry Bob.

Toss in the ginormous S/M watch, and Blackerry Bob is all that is scrotey about Wall Street assholes in the Hamptons.

Now give me five minutes with B.B.’s girlfriend’s abs in a dark water closet with only a flashlight and a can of Spam to guide me.

Douchiest 'Bagcessory: Blackberry Bob's Forearm Blackberry

A well annoyed 2009 Douchie Award for September’s Blackberry Bob.

Toss in the ginormous S/M watch, and Blackerry Bob is all that is scrotey about Wall Street assholes in the Hamptons.

Now give me five minutes with B.B.’s girlfriend’s abs in a dark water closet with only a flashlight and a can of Spam to guide me.

Douchiest Hat Tilt: Bucky

The 2009 Douchie Award for Douchiest Hat Tilt wasn’t even close.

Since the Buckster didn’t make it all the way to the finals, Bucky’s tiltorama wins in a tilt-o-whirl of ‘bag as a consolation prize.

Because that thing is levitating on some crazy four dimensional Richard Feynman boson particle sort of muon/lepton quark.

And because I love looking at Kathy smile.

Douchiest Douchebaguette: Lips McGee

Let us not forget the award for Female Douche, aka Douchebaguette, aka The Bleeth Award, who we’ll give to Lips McGee from November.

We’ve had other Bleeth candidates, like The Tatt Vortex, Rufus Veinwright’s Jerz Bleeth, Tilt Tuesday and The Bleethy Brunette.

But kissy lips, finger gesture and a D&G bracelet? An otherwise hott hottie displays signs of terminal Bleeth infection, and wins the 2009 Douchie Award.

Also a (dis)honorable mention goes out to the YouTube of The Girl Who Makes the Same Face in Every Pic.

Douchiest New ‘Bag Trend: Groin Shave Reveal

In 2008, it was Doggie ‘Baggin’.

This year, it’s the far more odious practice of shaved crotch reveal as part of ‘bag posing with hott.

We’ve seen it with Weekly winner Robopud, Hucky Sheen, and, of course, mercifully mostly cropped out The Bagpoleon Complex.

The need for the male to now prove his metrosexual cleanliness by revealing shorn testes area through pants drop is well worth a 2009 Douchie Award.

And acid in my eyes, followed by months of therapy to make this crisis of masculinity in the age of the spectacle fade from memory as soon as possible.

Douchiest New 'Bag Trend: Groin Shave Reveal

In 2008, it was Doggie ‘Baggin’.

This year, it’s the far more odious practice of shaved crotch reveal as part of ‘bag posing with hott.

We’ve seen it with Weekly winner Robopud, Hucky Sheen, and, of course, mercifully mostly cropped out The Bagpoleon Complex.

The need for the male to now prove his metrosexual cleanliness by revealing shorn testes area through pants drop is well worth a 2009 Douchie Award.

And acid in my eyes, followed by months of therapy to make this crisis of masculinity in the age of the spectacle fade from memory as soon as possible.