Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Hottest Hott of the Year (Bracket 2)

Your four finalists for Hottest Hott of the Year Bracket #2 (Blonde Division):

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #1: Super ‘Baggio’s Clarissa

Clarissa is tasty high class hottness, and probably should’ve been in the running for Most Expensive First Date Hott.

But she gets her shot for the biggest prize of hottness at the 2009 Douchie Awards instead.

Clarissa and Super Baggio first appeared in late July, only to make a subsequent Brunette appearance in a Friday Haiku.

Then Super Baggio itself made an appearance in the comments threads, meriting a third pic posting, and sounding like an okay guy. This defused much of the Pumpy-esque mock.

But we’re not here to mock Baggio. We’re here to vote a co-hottest-hott 2009 Douchie. And Clarissa is well deserving.

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #2: Francine

This tasty, supple blonde is the better half of the HCwDB of the Year semifinalist coupling with Mack the Nozzle.

Yet here she gets her own shot at a Douchie Award.

Her lucious same-head-tilt pic made a huge hott splash on the site with her giggle coyness in pic 2, and on her own sans-Nozz, here, here and here.

Her smile is sweet and golden.

Her taste in douche is rank.

She walks among the nightclub uber-choads without falter.

But is it enough to win a 2009 Douchie Award?

We shall see. For there is also…

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #3: Charleez

Who, come to think of it, looks remarkably like Francine. Weird.

Not satisfied that Charleez deserves Hott of the Year consideration?

How’s about Exhibit B: Charleez in the pool.

You look at that pic and tell me we live in a godless universe.

I thought not.

Pic #2, pic #3 and pic #4 all add to the legend of The Cheez’s blondie hott conquest.

Grwowowowoww….

What’s that Cheez?

Mmeeeee likeeee booobiess…

So do I, Cheez.

So do I.

And your fourth contestant….

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #4: Jake Whatupguy’s Mariah

Because I’m not doing an entire blonde category, being the brunette/librarian fan that I am.

From just a few weeks ago in early December, Jake Whatupguy’s Mariah made an immediate impact.

I concur in Mariah’s purity of essence and sweet, wholesome smile. The regs turned her into a folkloric HCwDB hott finalist, and who is my drunk ass to disagree?

Here’s Mariah’s big shot in the Finals. She’s an underdog.

But she’s got gumption, kid.

And by gumption, I mean the smile of eternal life and the denial of death’s inevitable decay.

And reallllly hott potential librarian glasses eyes.

Which earns her definite HoHo points.

Vote now.

HCwDB of the Year

The rest is history. Only three couplings remain. Only one can become HCwDB champion. You know what to do.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #1: Crosshair McJohnson and Leia Hott

The biggest upset of the HCwDB Finals, as Vegas had Bucky/Kathy at even odds. But the Glambaggery of this mugging led to a dominant win.

It may have been Leia and McJ’s secondary and thirdary pics that won the round for hottie/douchey toxicity, here, here and here. The voters speak:

Publius Choadius Naso: Crosshair McJ FTW. Gnarly coiff, gauge earrings, guyliner, gargantuan watch, gross vibe, gangsta gestures and going waaaaaay too far in the workout room of his local Y = Semi-finalist cinch.

Rob: I gotta vote for Crosshair McJohnson, she’s super hot and he’s a super douche!

Vander (Bro-Nye the Science Guy) : Crosshair FTW. Crosshair is a douche in every which way, but somehow he seems to elevate his doucheness even higher. He has almost all of the douchal attributes, but somehow looks like he has even more that are to this day undiscovered. He is like the lost city of Atlanpiss. That and Leia is HOTTTTTT

Filthy McBaggin’: Crosshair looks late 20’s/early 30’s. He’s had time to learn otherwise. Instead, he’s learned how to apply manscara. As far as this bag hunter is concerned, men applying make up trumps the donning of welding gloves any day of the week. So Cross Hair for the win. He’s old enough to know better by now.

Mr. White: Crosshair shows us what Scott Weiland would look like if he substituted steroids for heroin. And his sultry Latina companion, by allowing him a hair pull and sneer, just seals the deal.

A dominant win for Glambaggery. Guyliner, frost tips, ‘roids and ‘tude, all while mugging a perfectly tasteful Princess Latina in Jedi hottie. Do not for a second doubt this coupling’s ability to win the HCwDB of the Year. If our next two candidates split the vote, anything could happen.

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #2: E-Blo and Britney

In the toughest of the three brackets, the mighty vacancy of the E-Blo Stare took down the potent Poopaloompa and crimsony Crimson Ted.

The run of ‘blo is legend: 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8 and pic 9. The voters speak:

DoubleBock: E-BLO is the real deal and gets my vote. Poopa / Ming the Merciless will have to settle for the Orange consolation prize. Scribbles and Crimson Ted get what they deserve, nothing.

Sad Party Karaoke Robot: I have to go with E-Blo FTW. His body of work is unmatched even by Ted. He just kept bringing in douche element after douche element. Each picture in his poop-iliation represents a gesture, attribute or article of clothing that is mocked every day on this site.

Anonymous: EBLO, is it even a question? This douche has been training all his life for this moment. You do not develop such a stare because you feel like it. EBLO’s stare is one of years of practice. He is that douche in Junior High who wouldnt even smile in his school picture. The guy was probably douche-practicing at twelve years old for christ sakes

JoJo Dancer: E-Blo is a souless wonder. He manages, from head to toe, to display every douche mode but he wears it like a second skin. E-Blo is not a douchebag. He is the douchebag.

Dave: Not even a contest here. E-blo is well on his way to HCwDB of the decade.

Wedgie: I gotta go with E-Blo. The thousand yard stare reminds me of my cousin when he came back to the world from the ‘Nam after the Tet Offensive

Arch Douche Ferdinand: like the Highlander, there can be only one to survive this Thunderdome of douche, and it must be E-Blo. .

PhilthyPhil: Eblo, because I cant even put into words how much his run of pics bother me. I dont even need to be in his presence and I can feel the chaotic void he emits sucking the very spark of life from my soul. Eblo for the yearly imho. May satan have mercy on his soul.

Just barely beating out Crimson Ted, E-Blo and Brit have made it to the finals. But they’re also up against…

HCwDB of the Year Finalist #3: Smoot and Crystal

From early September, witness the epic run: Pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.

Taking their semifinals bracket with surprising ease, not even Mack the Nozz and Francine could stop the Smoot express. The voters speak:

Discrete Harm of the Doucheoisie: Gotta be Smoot. That man is a volcanic pustule on this site’s visual landscape. And I’m pretty sure the Peloponnesian War was fought over less than Crystal tantalizing posterior.

KeirNotKier: Smoot is the archetype on douchebag. When I hear the term “douchebag” the image that appears in my head is that of Smoot. Smoot makes me want to show a photo of him to a philosophy professor and make them answer the immortal question “why”? And although she may be a level 4 Bleeth (she does have her tongue out in almost every picture she is in!), Crystal may be the hottest of the hott I have seen on the site.

Blair: Smoot is just so incredibly douchie. He cannot be denied. God, that guy makes me want to kill nuns.

Mitch: I voted for him back in September, and I’ll do it again. Smoot is the cover guy for Scrote Magazine.

Fat, Drunk and Douchey: Smoot FTW. He may be a generic douche who doesn’t do anything really special, kind of like the Packers in the ’60s, but he just does it that much better than everybody else.

doucheywallnuts: Smoot hands down. He embodies authentic Hall of Fame douchnesss in this picture.

Them’s your three.

Remember to think both of which douche represents all that was toxic about ‘baggery in 2009, and which hott(s) counterbalances that poo with sexiness and boobies.

Vote now.

EDIT: This is the only category of the day, so take your time if you need a moment to process the uberstank and decide. Also, after voting, maybe you can help me make sense out of HCwDB’s position on Wired’s hip and cutting edge “LOL Blog”, in which the “Hot Chicks with” ripoff sites are somehow funnier than HCwDB and “Look at this f-king Hipster” is more famous. Methinks not, Wired. But keep partying like it’s 1999.

Douchiest Facial Hair: The ‘Stachebagger

From late July, The ‘Stachebagger had a number of pics, here, here and here, featuring shirtless grease and that ‘stach.

Because shirtlessness and white belt while mugging the Milf Hotts in Vegas just aren’t enough.

One needs to bust the upper lip pube for true effect.

Douchiest Facial Hair: The 'Stachebagger

From late July, The ‘Stachebagger had a number of pics, here, here and here, featuring shirtless grease and that ‘stach.

Because shirtlessness and white belt while mugging the Milf Hotts in Vegas just aren’t enough.

One needs to bust the upper lip pube for true effect.

Douchiest Hipsterbag: The Hipsterbag

From September, this smarmy tool throwing his alterna-game at the ladies reminds us that from S.F.’s Mission District to Austin, Texas, from Williamsburg, Brooklyn to suburban Seattle, from Athens, Georgia, to Silverlake, L.A., Jerz Pud isn’t the only form of douche out there.

Here’s to you, Hipsterbag.

Now stop drinking cheap Mexican grape soda with ironic panache. Put down the Panic at the Disco playing iTouch. Stop referencing how hilarious your road trip to Dollywood was after Coachella last year.

Great. Now I want to go to Dollywood. Stupid cheerful music.

Greatest Crisis of Modernity: The Sterilizer

What’s clear is that the 2009 Douchie Awards are the “Year of the Orange.”

From October, The Sterilizer challenges all of our suppositions regarding cultural progress through the simple act of tweased eyebrows and tongue.

Poor Carol. All she wanted was free drinks at the house party.

(Dis)honorable mention to Orangina, the bizarre everydouche Morris and I Can Haz Preposterous, all of whom cause academic philosophers to punch kittens in the nadsack.

Most Annoying ‘Bagling: Suburban Pimp

In a voting error, the judges have disqualified The Douche Cacti for ineligibility for the 2009 Douchie Awards. Their pic is actually from 2008.

Therefore, the award now goes to the runner-up in the category, June’s Suburban Pimp.

Thanks to Wheezer for the catch.

Most Annoying 'Bagling: Suburban Pimp

In a voting error, the judges have disqualified The Douche Cacti for ineligibility for the 2009 Douchie Awards. Their pic is actually from 2008.

Therefore, the award now goes to the runner-up in the category, June’s Suburban Pimp.

Thanks to Wheezer for the catch.

Crimsonest Crimson: Crimson Ted

There can be only one Crimson.

Hottest Hott of the Year (Bracket 1)

The 2009 Douchie Awards continue with the category of Hottest Hott of the Year, with the biggie, the 2009 HCwDB of the Year, on tap for tomorrow.

(EDIT: Due to requests for other hott considerations, this will be Bracket 1 of 2. The second bracket will run on Wednesday)

Here’s your finalists:

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #1: Waxy McBrow’s Rachelle

From early May, Rachelle’s brunette curvy perfection cannot be understated, nor underdroolified.

Enjoy the curves in pics #2 and #3: Waxy and Goose and Waxy and Co.

Rachelle is too hott to be a Girl Next Door. Her smile causes pigeons to go into spontaneous molting. Her wrist tasks me to lick it uncontrollably.

Waxy McBrow is all that reeks of East Coast Douchery.

But Waxy is not up for this 2009 Douchie Award.

Rachelle, and her lively assets, are. And they are worthy indeed.

But enough to win 2009 Hottest Hott of the Year? Vegas has her at a solid 3:1. But then there’s …

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #2: The Bagpoleon’s Josephine

Appearing in early November and winning a Weekly, The Bagpoleon Complex’s Josephine remains a wonder of curvaceous natural perfection.

And even though Bagpoleon wrote in to bitch, we must honor his hott with a nomination.

Josephine’s second pic shows off her curves with even more aplomb.

And by aplomb, I mean aboobies.

While ‘Bagpoleon displays the dreaded Groin shave Reveal (GSR) and writes in with annoying douche-mail, he is not what is in consideration here.

Instead, we ponder Josephine. And 19th Century boobie literature.

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #3: Crabs McGee’s Minnie Von Shtup

Paid to Pose?

Perhaps.

But Minnie Von Shtup’s blank expression and perfect body have the angelic hymn of humpty hump.

She is the pouty ‘tude of art school dropout who gets her Cosmos for free and every door held open for her for twenty years.

And then she’s pissed when the gravy train slows down at 36.

But for now, Minnie is all that is golden about suckle thigh.

While Crabs McGee, like Bagpoleon, shows off his shorn testes in awful ways.

But this is about Minnie.

Can she fire up enough fantasies to both alert Freud and win the Hottest Hott category? There’s one more finalist to go:

Hottest Hott of the Year Finalist #4: Bucky’s Kathy Hott

It was either Kathy or Charleez for the final slot, and I let personal brunette biases (and perfect smile) sway me. Although it could’ve gone either way.

Kathy’s first party pics were here and here, and she made an immediate “Woo! Hottie” impression.

Then came her run with Bucky here, with Bucky’s crazy skillz. The Pain is Real. Buckster partys. And Buckster celebratin’.

Overly tanned?

Perhaps.

Glorious in every bitable way?

Most certainly.

This is always the hardest category of the Douchie Awards to select four finalists from, as hottness is so varied and suckle thigh. And while I tried not to let my preference for brunettes who’d look great in librarian glasses bias me, I didn’t quite succeed.

Hotterable mention to The Velvet Flog’s Denise who almost made it into this category. Because the DB1 wants to lick her kneecaps. ScroTep’s outrageously tasty hottie could’ve made the cut. I also wanted to include Grad School Melissa, but the plump (if highly gnawable) arm was just not enough.

So them’s your four. Four enter. Only one can be Hottest Hott of the Year.

Vote now.