Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Most European Eurobag: The Eurobag

I thought the Nordic Viking might give this Franco-pudwack a run for the money. And Greasy Vincente brought a super hottie and greasy chest to the game.

But the power of Monique’s hottness and bedazzled jeans were too much to prevent our 2009 Douchie Winner from taking the prize that shares his name. The voters speak:

infallible: Eurobag was named such for a reason. He personifies the special smell of scrote that is unique to the continent across the Atlantic. Nordic Viking could be found in any southern dance club, and Greasy Vincente would be right at home in Jerz. But Eurobag has that continental “charm” all wrapped up in that manner that’s similar to the American douche, but different in just a few significant ways.

Jacques Doucheteau: Eurobag’s alpaca sweater FTW.

The Desert Douchehunter: At first glance, I was inclined to pass on Eurobag and give it to Nordic Viking. This is until I saw… Bedazzled Euro Jeans!!! It made my head melt like an extra in Raider of the Lost Ark.

Douche Dastardly: Eurobag would win on gay sweater alone. But bedazzled jeans make this a runaway victory. And then there is the little thing called Monique she is euro hotness to the 10x The black spandex and her slight bra reveal makes me want to brake out the old french 101: Je tiens à vous baiser la poire ass

Maxim Kovalenko: Eurobag! Just because of the crystal, old school D&D dice superglued to his jeans.

Douche shower and shave: I think Eurobag drinks chardoney, has a euro-lisp and has atleast 2 cats. The jeans he did himself. I’m just thinking… Eurobag for a beating and the win.

Joe Smith: The Eurobag is the total package and should win this category no contest. Looks at his clothes, hair and discolored skin, sweet tap dancing Jesus how could he not win?

Mr. White: Monique is why you learned to say “moped,” “lick,” and “Where is the pharmacy?” in French in 9th grade. Eurobag is why, during my recent vacation to the U.K., I snuck through the Chunnel late one night and stalked the streets of Paris with a deep-fried Snickers bar wrapped in an American flag, looking to commit an unspeakable crime.

An hilarious voting thread, as always, and the Eurobag takes home a well bedazzled 2009 Douchie Award.

Douchiest Home Video of 2009: Mikey Batz Frolics in the Parking Lot

A well deserved 2009 Douchie Award for Mikey Batz and his “bros,” although the lack of ladies renders this an incomplete HCwDB formulation.

It’s like a Brechtian German Expressionist surreal dreamscape meant to invoke the Godless and bleak universe beneath our futile attempts to find meaning.

But at least they go for a pickle in the end.

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Cynthia

I felt certain that her sideways peace signs would disqualify her, the voters clearly showed that jean shorts trump all. And lets not forget Cynthia #2.

The voters speak:

saulgoode42: While they’re all delectable, it’s Cynthia by a mile. And by a mile I mean I’d buy a mile’s worth of rose petals just to lead her into the woods and over to grandma’ house for some tea and crumpets.

jonezy: Cynthia all the way, without a doubt. Her angelic smile in pic #2 should be linked into the “About Me” section where it says Hotties. She is the perfect example of the innocent Hott that makes douchebaggery so frightening here at HCwDB.com

End the Haberdouchery: Cynthia. She is perfection. I would clean the queen’s stables for a year just so a midget in a lucha libre costume would slap me in the face with her used tampon.

Saving Private Guido: I usually don’t dip into the Arizona State freshman class (though I wouldn’t mind), but I have to give this to Cynthia. She is such a perfect little lamb… so tiny & tight. That smile is a killer.

Anonymous: I would totally kidnap cynthia and take her to an exotic island where we would swim with turtles, throw sand at each other, and giggle like school girls. Than have her rub the excess tanning oil on me with those beautiful drumsticks. Allegedly of course.

Regardless, Cynthia is all we imagine and hope lives next door to us. A well deserved 2009 Douchie Award.

Orangest Orange: Cheeto Man

In an impressive takedown of even the mighty Poopaloompa, the super-orangedness of Cheeto Man wins the 2009 Douchie Award for Orangest Orange.

Although each of our contestants found significant mock, and Mammy Miami even broke out into singing “Swanee!” The voters speak:

Mr. Biggs: Cheeto Man. It’s not even close. Even if we were looking at most hideous or most likely to cause hurling, it would still be cheeto. But this category is orangest orange, and cheeto out-shines them all. In that brilliant plastic glo-orange he’s perfected so well.

douche equis: Cheeto Man. Be he quick-fried to a crackly crunch or baked to a delicate crunch, he is Cheeto Man, he is douche, and he is the orangest orange.

Skyler: Cheeto man. I can understand somewhat the methods of achieving the color with the other pictures. The cheeto man leaves me baffled.

Vinny Scumbaglia: Unlike the others, Cheeto Man sports a fleshtone that simply does not occur on humans unless they are suffering from a severe liver malfunction. While the others grasp at some simulacrum of trans-racial dermal coloration, Chester grits his cosmetically whitened teeth in defiance and goes completely Crayola Peach. Chester Cheeto Man is the Orangest Orange.

massengill: Cheeto Man for the win. And by “win” I mean “vigorous and violent scrubbing with a pumice stone.”

Snoop Douchey Bagg: I still contend that Cheeto is the real-life model for “King of the Hill’s” Boomhauer.

Gaybaggery was clearly not an impediment to winning the Orangest Orange category, and Cheeto Man deserves his Douchie Award.

Best Golden Globes: Raquel

This weekend, we’ll be announcing the winners of the first week’s voting categories at the 2009 Douchie Awards. First up, Best Golden Globes.

In a four way race between Raquel and The Eiffel Towers for the 2009 Douchie Award for Best Golden Globes, Raquel’s natural wonders juggled the prize. And then smushed it. The voters speak:

Archidouchies: I’m gonna go with Raquel because they are the most supple looking bussoms on the most attractive lady out of the picks. Her taking off her bra would be a majestic moment with horns blowing, confetti falling, lights from heaven converging to grace the cleavage, and me drooling.

David: Raquel, I dream of miniaturizing myself so i can ski those slopes.

Vin Douchal: Ridiculous. Ample. Queefing. Urethra. Emissions. Lickity. FTW

Blair: Raquel. She looks like a chick I was friends with in high school. But with much nicer ta-ta’s

Jim: Oh glorious Raquel! How could you let anchor chin anywhere near those? Anchors drag things down.

Medusa Oblongata: Raquel FTIVL. Because in my mind I’m eye level to those kazongas and my arms are around her torso, my fingers gripping the clasp on the back of her bra. And it’s like one of those .GIF files, I just keep unhooking the bra and letting them drop, then they’re back up again, and they drop, then back up again—- What’s the female equivalent of “fwap”?

Oh hell with it.

I’m giving out a second 2009 Douchie. Because with boobies, we all win.

Happy Hannukah!

We pause the 2009 Douchie Awards for an important message from November’s The Jewschbag.

Oh.

Nevermind.

He’s too busy for us.

But Rachel Hottowitz in the black dress loves to spin the dreidel, light the candles, and spank me with a licorice whip.

Best Friday Ass Pear: Ass Pear La Plante

Was there any doubt?

It’s like two servings of Indian puna bread, inflated with helium, lightly touching, with just the faintest hint of static electricity binding them, while raining candy upon the Lilliputians after Gulliver left.

Douchiest Imitation of Deathtongue: The Hurt Licker

In honor of the legendary 2008 Douchie winner Deathtongue, The Hurt Licker, from September, takes the 2009 Douchie named in his honor.

For licking a poetic doe with all the charm of a greased up hairbag coughed up by a cat with typhus, this is a Douchie Award well deserved.

(Dis)honorable mention to Steven King’s ‘The Tongue.'”

Sexiest Back Curve: The Barrowbag’s Alana

From mid October, this Weekly winner earns a 2009 Douchie Award for that very special curve that inspires poets and turns goldfish suicidal.

It’s like a ski slope of cotton candy made out of suckle flesh that ends with two half-baked loaves of doughy challah bread wrestling to pick up a raisin.

Sadly, it’s getting performatively doggie ‘bagged by a turd we’ve named The Barrowbag.

But that’s not what this award for.

This 2009 Douchie Award is for the ample flexibility of early 20s perfection.

And it’s well, well, well deserved.

Sexiest Back Curve: The Barrowbag's Alana

From mid October, this Weekly winner earns a 2009 Douchie Award for that very special curve that inspires poets and turns goldfish suicidal.

It’s like a ski slope of cotton candy made out of suckle flesh that ends with two half-baked loaves of doughy challah bread wrestling to pick up a raisin.

Sadly, it’s getting performatively doggie ‘bagged by a turd we’ve named The Barrowbag.

But that’s not what this award for.

This 2009 Douchie Award is for the ample flexibility of early 20s perfection.

And it’s well, well, well deserved.