Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 3

The 2009 Douchie Awards continue with the third bracket in the semifinals to determine the three finalist couples for HCwDB of the year. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #1 (Bracket 3): Sir Sucks-a-Lot and Taylor

This ridiculous clubby scrotal fungus first appeared on the site as Studs Urkel, and his run of a-list hottitude and ridiculous facial pubes continued here and here.

Sir SAL won the first Weekly of 2009, but barely lost in the Monthly to the Ghoulbag.

Yet his haunting club taint continued to fester.

And so, he’s in the Yearly.

And lets not forget Taylor Dayne Hott, whose unconventional mouth only adds to her sexiness.

But are they enough to knock off the legend…

that is…

Wait for it…

HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #2 (Bracket 3): Smoot and Crystal

From early September, Smoot and Crystal are heavy favorites in Vegas, pulling strong odds to make it to the finals.

And by heavy favorites, I mean pumped up douche-tatts and scrote-face plus sexy brunette popsicle tongue hottitude.

Witness the epic run of HCwDB both with Crystal, and then with assorted floozy hotts:

Pic #2, pic #3 , pic #4, pic #5, pic #6, pic #7, pic #8, pic #9, pic #10 with King D and pic #11.

Epic.

It’s hard to argue with such consistent hyper-real spectacle on display — the personification of Baudrillard’s prediction (building of Guy Debord’s “Society of the Spectacle”) that we would all become, what Immanuel Kant termed, “nodal douche transmission points.”

At least I think that’s what Kant predicted.

Or maybe it was Richard Grieco.

HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #3 (Bracket 3): Mack the Nozzle and Francine

The Nozz’s face taint won the monthly back in October and Francine’s smile still haunts our souls and enlivens our shpants.

While the Nozzle may or may not be a reality TV star on the worst TV network in recorded human history, VH1, we can’t consider anything appearing on VH1 to be remotely famous, so the Nozz remains eligible in the yearly.

And don’t forget this coupling’s run of pics 2, pic 3 and pic 4.

The Nozz even freelance douched it up

And Francine broke off to HC it up here, here and here.

They are legend.

Vegas has them at even odds to make the finals.

HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #4 (Bracket 3): Poo

What’s this???

Poo has stormed the Monthly!!

Oh no he di’int.

Oh yes he did!

Poo has thrown his greased up alien face and muscle mom “H.C.” into the mix for the yearly after only winning a Weekly in March before I moved him to his very own “Closet of Poo.”

But Poo will not be denied.

If Poopaloompa is throwing down, then so is Poo.

Okay, the truth is your humble narrator, the DB1, can’t count to twelve and needed one more entry to fill out the third bracket. Nonetheless, Poo it is.

Select your final coupling for the HCwDB of the Year.

Vote now.

Most European Eurobag

The 2009 Douchie Awards continue with the category of “Most European Eurobag.” Here’s your finalists:

Most European Eurobag Finalist #1: The Eurobag

From August, The Eurobag won a Weekly on the strength of douche-fro and tasty French hottness.

Just because The Eurobag was granted the name of “Eurobag” does not mean he wins the 2009 Douchie automatically.

Just as someone named “Oscar” doesn’t win an Oscar.

Monique is French for “hott,” just as “douche” is French for this guy’s sweater.

They are the annoying urbane giggle couple ordering sauteed pancreas for 65 Euros at the table next to you.

And if you’re wavering on Eurobag’s douche status?

Bedazzled Euro jeans.

Most European Eurobag Finalist #2: The Nordic Viking

Ya!

Sie is superdouchey.

It was nearly a year ago, back in January, that the Nordic Viking first greased his way into our 12th Century conquering dark ages.

The Nordic Vicking takes boats to Greenland instead of Iceland.

Because he was fooled by the name change.

Silly Nordic Viking. The ice and green were reversed!

Svenga is soft, and pouty, and smells like lilacs.

Sure she’s built to carry milk buckets in the hills of Antwerp.

But you say that like it’s a bad thing.

Finally, stomach tatt of unreadable and indeterminate text, on shaved Nordic Viking chest. The evidence is compelling for Douchie Award status.

Most European Eurobag Finalist #3: Greasy Vincente

From back in May, Greasy Vincente’s L’taliano chest shave and Tuscan Hott made a strong hottie/douchey Eurotrip impression.

Here’s one where the Mediterranean gaze of supple female perfection perfectly contradicts Vincente’s greasy chest reveal.

While tables go nuclear behind them.

I’d order Patron.

And a lime.

And salt.

And then I’d leave.

EDIT: Whoops, #4 was from 2008, so this is a three person race now.

Just missing the cut, an earlier iteration of a Nordic Bag, proving the DB1 is running out of ‘bag names.

Vote now.

The Ricky: Sammy

The Ricky is a different sort of Douchie Award.

Named after 2007 dancin’ superstar Ricky, The Ricky Award is meant for those everyday shmoes who can’t quite get a read on things.

Thus, with dual-pornhotts in each hand, Sammy’s perplexed expression says it all.

This year’s Ricky Award goes to none other than Sammy. With additional Ricky considerations to Kevin and Jimmy.

Enjoy your 2009 Douchie Award, Sammy. Just please don’t eat it.

Most Annoying ‘Baglings: The Douche Cacti

This is always one of the most crowded categories at the Douchie Awards.

Yet these two Cactus Heads from late January, in their strange improvised fraternity space, were simply too Fratbaggy not to win the award for Jr. Douchebaggery.

Options like The Kegger Dogs, Suburban Pimp, Vanilla Putz (and Butler), Scarfly, Rusty’s After-Prom Party, Six Asians and a Pud, ‘Baglings at Play and ‘Baglings at the Mall all were also potential worthy winners.

But the Cacti were too Gotti not to win.

Congrats on the 2009 Douchie Award, Douche Cacti. Now stop hitting on the Long Island Jenny Sisters and get back to Beer Pong.

Most Annoying 'Baglings: The Douche Cacti

This is always one of the most crowded categories at the Douchie Awards.

Yet these two Cactus Heads from late January, in their strange improvised fraternity space, were simply too Fratbaggy not to win the award for Jr. Douchebaggery.

Options like The Kegger Dogs, Suburban Pimp, Vanilla Putz (and Butler), Scarfly, Rusty’s After-Prom Party, Six Asians and a Pud, ‘Baglings at Play and ‘Baglings at the Mall all were also potential worthy winners.

But the Cacti were too Gotti not to win.

Congrats on the 2009 Douchie Award, Douche Cacti. Now stop hitting on the Long Island Jenny Sisters and get back to Beer Pong.

Greasiest Grease Stain: A Clockwork Orange

Another Douchie winning pic from January (what’s with that month?), A.C.O. and young Inga take the prize with ease.

Yeah, I could’ve included The Clockwork O in the Orangest Orange category.

But given that greasy shiny forehead as he pollutes Euro-hott, Clockwork was special. And by special I mean retarded. He deserved a 2009 Douchie all his own.

So, for featuring not only the disturbing Orangeface of uber-guidosity in what appears to be a European douchepocalypse, A.C.O. easily wins Greasiest Grease Stain of 2009.

Now someone get me a dish towel and a serious bucket of Windex, stat.

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott

The 2009 Douchie Awards continue here at HCwDB with “Hottest Girl Next Door Hott.” But before you vote, yours truly got some press over at Slate. I’m “crude but cultured.” Must’ve been all that organic yogurt.

Here’s your finalists:

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #1: Cynthia

A partner of HCwDB winner Orange Derek Jeter Head from all the way back in February, Cynthia is filled with barely legal life/joy.

Here she is again, in all her sweet gloriousness.

Cynthia’s innocent status is belied by her choice of chest shaved orange finger throwing Derek Jeter Head.

In a hoodie.

With a giant orange head.

Flipping the bird.

But that’s not the category. The category is “Girl Next Door” hottness. The older sister of your best friend hottness. And Cynthia is curvy and her smile cures shingles, lupus and a fractured Lacanian psyche.

Her jeans shorts won an award in Copenhagen.

“Best Jean Shorts.”

I’m serious.

I would gnaw.

Then fall softly asleep in the laundry closet, whimpering.

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #2: Sienna

Shiny Head Sheldon’s partner from early September has the haunting eyes that send ships to war and Zoroastrian priests to self flagellate with fishing twine.

Sheldon is greasy douchitude.

But Sienna is a complex kaleidoscope of stained glass goodnesss.

Sheldon is everything greased up and fractured about the male psyche in the age of pressure and constraint.

But Sheldon’s forehead, already up for a government contract to Halliburton, is not what’s in discussion here.

Sienna is.

Tiny, smiley, shy Sienna. I would rub your ankles softly with chamomile lotion, then slap myself with In-n-Out burgers until I passed out in the back seat of an abandoned Chevy Malibu.

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #3: Ashlee

From Ashlee’s Spring Break in mid April, Ashlee is the thin, awkward and shy collegiate perfection we, and I mean the royal We, all collectively dream about.

And by dream about, I mean butt butter fondle with a spatula and a small Brazilian named Pepe on standby for assistance.

Ashlee studies hard for all her classes.

She’s home for every Thanksgiving.

As such, we should appreciate her Girl Next Door charms, just as we want to yank on Simian Frank’s annoying chinstrap with a cheese grater.

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott Finalist #4: Stephanie

Looking bizarrely similar to Ashlee, suggesting your humble narrator, the DB1 has a subconscious thing for coy brunettes with glorious smiles, Stephanie is all that’s holy in Antwerp, and all that’s buttgrabby in Guadalcanal.

Here Steph is, pictured along with Lumpy from back in June.

Stephanie’s hauntingly coy smile tasks me through the waking hours, inspiring continuing drinking problems involving cheap wine and televisual therapy via proxy figures on talk shows.

And yes, all four of your choices are looking off to their right of the camera.

I do not know why this is.

I do not know why my socks smell like gouda.

Vote now.

Jerziest Jerz: Guido Buttchinksy

Because no 2009 Douchies ceremony would be complete without (dis)honoring this Jerz Guid Pudscrote, who appeared on the site back in June.

Poor Tonya. Poor Tonya’s mom.

Even the background light turns Orange in the presence of Mr. Buttchinksy.

Also note the white “A/X” letters on the shirt reappear seamlessly on his belt buckle. That’s some Criss Angel kinda poo right there.

Douchiest Hand Gesture: The Hypothetical Gun

We’ve seen a plethora of ridiculous ‘bag hand gestures this year, from finger points to classic “Westsides” to the Party Fluffkin Crotch Grab.

But the Hypothetical Gun (with bonus Hello Kitty gloves) was too triumphantly ridic not to honor.

By October we’d learned that this was the HypGun’s go-to move, complimented by a delightful skull tattoo.

Congrats on your award, T.H.G.

Now show us “Hypothetical Signing Unemployment Check.”

Hottest Librarian Hott: Dewey Hott

After that “Poopaloompa is Satan” pic I owe you. Here’s a favorite category at the 2009 Douchies. Hottest Librarian Hott.

Dewey Hott appeared all the way back in February. Her perfect, unstained beauty haunts me to this day.

I would spin cycle through a bazaar filled with Armenian Bedouin fermented leather traders wearing only a plaid leotard just for the chance to fact check her autobiography.

The other ascendant Librarian Hott of 2009 appeared in July in a pic devoid of douche, and thus not really qualified to win an HCwDB Douchie.

So give it up to Dewey Hott for a well deserved 2009 Douchie Award.

And someone slap Tonguey McChoad there in the face. With a washrag. Dipped in wasabe.