Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Year: Bracket 2

Round two of your HCwDB of the Year semifinalists:

HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #1 (Bracket 2): Crimson Ted

From all the way back in March, the toxic crimson taint of British club promoter and leggy blonde fondler Crimson Ted remains a lip sore on our collective psyches.

And lets not forget Ted’s mugging of Hot Moms, Ted’s Smells Like Poo ass pear moment, Ted’s Crimsplosion and Ted’s Waldouche moment.

And Crimson Celtic.

And, of course, Reader Mike’s historically imporant Ted Crimsometer.

Ted is a legend of turd crap.

He brings shame to the land of Doctor Who and Fawlty Towers. Hitting on what few hott British girls there are, he is a worthy pollutant indeed.

HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #2 (Bracket 2): E-Blo and Britney

What more can be said about the supersonic douchey stare of the legendary Electric Blight Orchestra?

E-Blo’s original pic is from early June, but what a run of pics. For E-Blo’s empty blankness reflects the vacancy of our culture and the crisis of our souls.

The vacant stare is legend: Pics 2, 3, 4, 5 6, 7, 8 and, of course, his truly inflated zombie-stare douchosity in pic 9.

This is uber-douchosity in presence of hot chick on a massive and overwhelming scale.

E-Blo is already legend.

But does he have what it takes to carry his hotts to the Finals?

HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #3 (Bracket 2): Wretch-a-Sketch and Jezebel

Our most recent Monthly winner, the Wretch-a-Sketch brings only two pics of hottie/douchey Travis Barker inspired poofoolery to the game.

But his hat tilt, sideways hand gesture and extreme tattbaggery in presence of Zebra Hottness all speak to a worthy Monthly winner.

Pic #2 only increases the hotte/douchey dialectics.

Do not discount the mockworthiness of the Scribbler.

This is classic West Coast skater “indie band” douche.

Just as potently toxic as Jerz Pud.

Note the undie poke.

If that doesn’t inflame the gonads of an angry penguin, then I don’t know what.

But lets not forget our fourth finalist…

HCwDB of the Year Semi-Finalist #4 (Bracket 2): The Poopaloompa

One pic. Officially confirmed as real.

Just one pic of uber-orange and an average, cornfed but sweet Jane.

But that was all it took to make it to the yearly.

Well, there was a second pic. But it was this pic that make the Poopster legend.

Do not let the Poopaloompa’s nomination in the Orangest Orange category sway you from your vote. In the Yearly you must factor in dialectic. Or the fact The Poopaloompa is Satan.

Which of these four couplings most embodies the clash of cultural trainwreck in the crisis of masculinity and name-brand spectacle, with the tastiness of the boobie hottie suckle thigh?

Vote for your second finalist couple, as always, in the comments thread.

Orangest Orange

We’ve had an epic run of Orangebaggery this year, and this category was nearly impossible to cull down to four tangerine finalists. But cull I must.

Here’s your finalists:

Orangest Orange Finalist #1: The Orange Cactus

From back in March, and a reader tag no less, the Orange Cactus never got the full mock that his Arizonian cactii doucheyness deserves.

The O Cactus is real world ridiculousness.

At a party where mugging up on girls dressed as an extreme uberdouche barely registers.

The ladies are embarassed and more than a little disturbed.

For the Cactus is very…

very…

Orange.

Orangest Orange Finalist #2: Cheeto Man

Cheeto Man first appeared in July, and while pungent in super-douchosity, lacked the requisite heterosexuality and quality hott counterpoint to advance up the ladder of the Weekly and Monthly douche chain.

Cheeto Man’s second pic only further denatured the threat by hinting at extreme lightness of loafers.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It only makes for a less toxic HCwDB pic, since the lady is rendered ultimately unthreatened.

Cheeto Man is freakish.

Cheeto Man is disturbing.

Cheeto man scares kittens, lemurs and other assorted small woodland creatures.

He’s also really freaking orange.

Orangest Orange Finalist #3: The Poopaloompa

Some have charged that Mr. Loompa is actually a photoshopped pic.

I certainly can’t tell, as it looks real to me. But, either way, this is a Yearly contestant and an Orange finalist, so I’m going with it.

The Orangenesss is manifest poostiny for the Poopa, and Jane’s pale complexion only further marks it in relief.

The Poompa is freakazoid anime douchebag, every bit Ming the Juiceless.

But enough to win Orangest Orange? That remains to be seen.

Orangest Orange Finalist #4: Mammy Miami

Okay, Mammy Miami’s more “poo” than Orange.

But I’m not 100% certain that he’s in the “bronze” weightlifting category (although he probably is), so he’s earned his way as a 2009 Douchie Finalist.

M. Miami and the less than A-list Svetlana first appeared in early June and quickly became legend.

For summoning the worst Al Jolson, George Jessel, blackface racist American past that our media never mentions, Miami deserves credit for foregrounding our cultural amnesia.

Don’t think of it as douchey over-tanning.

Think of it as cultural critique.

So them’s your four. Just think of all the ‘range that didn’t make the cut. Guido Buttchinsky, Orangina, Orange Psycho, , Orange Poolius, The Turnips and Orangeness as Signifier. Although Signifier is more in the “smells like poo” category.

I eliminated pro body-builder types like Poo, as I want this to be a true vote for douchosity. And don’t forget Anne Hathaway starring in The Devil Tans Orange and The Devil Tans Orange II.

But we can only vote on our finalists. Which deserves the 2009 Douchie?

Vote and make orange juice, as always, in the comments thread.

Douchiest ‘Athlete:’ Jeff Reed

Continuing his douchey work from 2007 and 2008, Reed started off the year in high dyed blonde faux style, pictured here, back in January.

Reed got arrested in February, douched it up in September, and then was cited for public intoxication in October.

All while making millions for kicking a ball.

Here’s your well deserved 2009 Douchie Award, Reedbag.

The Mets’ Dave Wright made a play with his wine sipping uberhott, but Dave Wright’s lack of douchosity simply means he wins at the game of life.

Douchiest 'Athlete:' Jeff Reed

Continuing his douchey work from 2007 and 2008, Reed started off the year in high dyed blonde faux style, pictured here, back in January.

Reed got arrested in February, douched it up in September, and then was cited for public intoxication in October.

All while making millions for kicking a ball.

Here’s your well deserved 2009 Douchie Award, Reedbag.

The Mets’ Dave Wright made a play with his wine sipping uberhott, but Dave Wright’s lack of douchosity simply means he wins at the game of life.

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: The Incredible Yolk

From all the way back in February, the Orange Simian douchitude of The Incredible Yolk earns a well deserved 2009 Douchie Award.

I’m also considering including this image as part of my installation art headlining show at the Guggenheim museum in the year 2023. When those who denature images, recontextualizing them outside of their originary intent in the age of the simulacrum, are finally credited as legitimate artists.

My show will consist entirely of HCwDB images projected onto thin strips of semi-transparent material, made out of silicon, suspended throughout the museum space, with each image fading up and down, in and out of visibility.

As each image becomes visible, a falsetto midget eunuch will read whatever text I wrote to accompany the image in a strange sing-song, almost digitized, cadence.

But that’s in 2023.

For now, The Incredible Yolk and his Hott Conquest will have to settle for their Douchie Award.

Today, the Douchies.

Tomorrow, artistic immortality.

Douchiest Facial Expression: The Punch-Face

We’ve seen Kissy Lips come and go, but no face all year has quite deserved the “thwack” that February’s The Punch Face does.

While Mona isn’t top shelf hottitude on the other end of the spectrum, P.F.’s face-taint is truly award winning.

Here’s your Douchie Award, Punch Face.

Now someone hit him again.

(Dis)honorable mention to Luigi the Scroteface.

Best Golden Globes

Here’s one category where we all win. And by win, I mean jagoozgas.

Best Golden Globes Finalist #1: The Eiffel Towers

Tattines.

Num nums.

Hablueybloos.

Joy mounds.

Gazangas.

Hills.

Mountains.

Things I want to touch.

Things I really want to touch.

Things that bore me after coitus.

Zeppelins.

Chesticles.

Flesh pillows.

Best Golden Globes Finalist #2: The Anchor Chin’s Raquel

Jiffy Pops.

Mumbai air breads.

Squeeze boxes.

Jiggle Joys.

Air Hockeys.

Nub Nubs.

Playthings.

Destroyers of higher brain function.

Suckle cannons.

Gum Guns.

Hypnotic Kreskins.

Grub Toys.

Best Golden Globes Finalist #3: Charleez

Mammaries.

Mamtastic Chewtoys.

Two Stooges.

Airbags.

Baby feeders.

headlights.

Honkers.

Bewbs.

Huminas.

Skin Balloons.

Magambos.

Milk Jagerbombs.

Wahoos.

Best Golden Globes Finalist #4: The Bada Bing Boobs

Melons.

Mounds.

Squee.

Jello cups.

Albert Einsteins.

Frankfurt Cheesecakes.

The Primary Reason for the Downfall of all Major Empires.

Devolution Cupcakes.

Ta’s.

Bouncy mentions to Musical Cleavite, Sexy Sadie, The Temple Mount and Keith Barely Tries.

Vote now.

Douchiest Tatt: Rated P for Poo

We’ve seen a lot of scrotal tatts this year. There was the immortal Chug Life. There was HCwDB of the Year finalists Mack the Nozzle and the Wretch-a-Sketch. And there were The Primitive Marsupials.

But none so perfectly encapsulated what a douche-tatt is than the legend that is P for Poo. Who first Vegased it up in July.

The fact he’s posing with 2008 HCwDB of the Year hott side of coupling, Carly, only further legendizes his ballsackery.

Here’s your award, P Rater.

Let the record show that you are no more “gangsta” than my grandmother, post-Mahjong.

Most Expensive First Date Hott: Rebecca The Loop Girl

From way back in the beginning of the year, just days after the 2008 Douchie Awards were over in late December, The Loop de Poop made her way into our hearts.

And by hearts I mean wallets.

As she endures licks from skanky musicbags like this tool right here, it became clear that to win a date with the Loop de Poop, we would need to order double appetizers and dessert.

And a Ferrari.

Later, we tracked her down with Ambiguous Steve Vai Music Guy, further confirming the need for massive bankroll.

As a result, we give The Loop Girl our 2009 Douchie for “Most Expensive First Date Hott,” beating out Klaus’s Euro Farrah Fawcett, Minnie Von Shtup, and yes, even Francine, who I still think might go for the burger n’ fries special that the DB1 offers all his special ladies. By the third date. If I’ve done well at the Track.

Douchiest Hair: Hairy Belafonte

Our first award of the 2009 Douchies for “Douchies Hair” goes to…

The scrotevelope please…

Hairy Belafonte!

Beating out such follicular luminaries as Hair Templeton and Rusty The Frill Necked Lizard, Hary Belafonte made a ridic kissy impression in July that summons the worst in Vegas spectacle.

With so many nominees of douchey hair this year, this was a tough category, but this sweeping hair spew plus kissy lips onto a studious English major hottie deserves the (dis)honor.

C’mon up and accept your award, Hairy B!