Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Diff’rent Scrotes

The kids aren’t all right.

Diff'rent Scrotes

The kids aren’t all right.

Friday Thoughts and Links

If you’re coming to HCwDB for the first time via The Onion, welcome to HCwDB! Come for the douchebags. Stay for the boobies.

On this Friday, your humble narrator heads for a weekend of “research” in Vegas. And by research, I mean strippers, alcohol and tasty Hostess dessert and snack treat products.

If you’d like to follow my adventures in the Heart of Doucheness this weekend, I’ll try to update the site, or follow me on Twitter.

Here’s your Friday links:

MTV is running an “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” marathon on Saturday including new eps. Check out the only official HCwDB show, one created and exec produced by your humble narrator, the DB1.

France discovers the fun of the word “douche,”, in its reconfigured form, of course. The slippage of the signifier goes transnational and multilingual.

Hot Taylors with Meyerbags.

Of all the films of 2009, perhaps no sequence is more evocative, strange, hallucinogenic pop pastiche art than the opening credits of Watchmen. Say what you will about the film, but the simple clash of reimagined historical iconography and stylized expression in that sequence is genius.

My tiny brunette librarian Semitic hottness obsession has moved from Mila Kunis to former Olypmic figure skater Sasha Cohen. Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh Perfection.

Speaking of little hotties.

And speaking of ice skating: Hockeybags.

Bill Gates Fist Pumps the Sh*t out of Sundance.

How do you get a tomato stain out of a Persian rug? Ask Manson! The Ben Stiller Show never got its due as the game-changing sketch comedy show that it was.

And, since it’s Friday, here’s your reward for another successful week of ‘bag mocking and hottie lusting: Yellow Pear.

Them’s some bitable glutes.

Sticks McHead

Look Kelsey, we get that you want to get back at the suburban life your parents imposed upon you by hooking up with an alterna-emo local band guitarist.

But look at Sticks. His eyes betray the faltering commitment to his lifestyle.

Get out, Kelsey, while you still can!

In five years, Sticks’ll be selling Saturns and you’ll be taking night classes in “Assets Management and Accounting” from a guy wearing a plaid tie.

Reader Mail: Euro Tagging

—-
DB1,

Thanks,
The Canadian Bag’ Hunter.
—-

Since you did not include a pic of your tag, TCBH, it’s hard to say. However, female ‘bag hunters can often struggle with bag tagging in the wild, as the subtle forces of cultural imprint are designed to ensnare them by the multiple branded signifiers that a douchebag displays.

Since douchebaggery is utilized by the market system to both a) cause the male to buy endless (and ever shifting) overpriced validation of his sexual worth in the form of name-brand items, body products, etc., and b) the female to recognize these items as premium cultural capital signifiers of merit, and therefore coitus, some females will struggle with a full ‘tag when confronted directly by choad spectacle.

The short answer? Dump her ass.

Friday Haiku

Captain Bronze and bro,
Lil’ Sis may not be legal,
Not even at sea.

Captain my Captain!
The trip done,the douche prize won
And Walt Whitman weeps

— Franklin DealorNoDoucheifelt

Captain Ramius:
“I present to you my ship,
The Pink Coccktober.”

– Mr. White

Somali Pirates
Open franchise on Lake Mead
Business is not good

– Mr. Scrotato Head

Pinky and the bag
Bleethling is not part of group
Finger points to why

– E-blo’s last thought

Crew of the US
Navy’s maiden voyage on
USS Rainbow

— Bagnonymous

Yarrrr! Avast, ye twink!
Grab yon naval jelly and
Shiver me timber!

– DarkSock

If Cap’n got bronze
Doesn’t set the bar real high
For silver and gold

– Bob

The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and Princess Lickmah

I can smell the Eurodouche fruity colognes, sharp accent, lack of showering and general attitude through my monitor, Quiz Roid.

Next thing, you’ll tell me you make the same stupid douche-face in every pic you take with a hott.

And that would just be wrong.

I’m talking Belgium wrong.

Stupid Brussels. Just give in and accept you’re part of France, already.

Mopey the Beanstalk

I’d almost consider a nottadouche and instead a “Conquistador San Salvadoran Pirate” classification, Mopey.

But then you had to go with the gypsy moth upper lip thing. And that makes you ‘bag.

I see each of you Kappa Kappa Woo girls. Lanny, Muffy and Sue. And I highly respect each of you for majoring in Physical Therapy.

And, as appreciation for your beautiful minds and endless repetition of the word “like,” I would lightly touch your thighs with an ostrich feather after you passed out on my couch at 2am.

Ask DB1: The word “Lifestyle”

—-
Dear DB1,

– Sad Party Karaoke Robot
—-

The following terms are auto-douche:

“Lifestyle”
“Livin’ the Dream”
“Haters”
“Hatters”
“Poppin’ Bottles”
“Get Some”

Ask DB1: The word "Lifestyle"

—-
Dear DB1,

– Sad Party Karaoke Robot
—-

The following terms are auto-douche:

“Lifestyle”
“Livin’ the Dream”
“Haters”
“Hatters”
“Poppin’ Bottles”
“Get Some”