Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Pink Chocolate

Some douchebags burn out.

Some douchebags fade away.

But the true HCwDB legends never give up. Never say die. They will sculpt their facial pubes until we pry that razor from their cold, middle aged hands.

White Chocolate, enshrined in our hallowed Hall of Scrote back in late 2006, when the site was just months old, is that legend.

We almost gotta respek a douche with this sort of longevity of poo.

Until we see Ed Hardy Chocolate.

And realize that relentless internet mocking is the only justifiable recourse.

Lars and Ariella Show Their Underwear

Lars trolled all the free summer concert series in hopes of impressing the ladies with his magic “levitating beer can.”

Ariella is illegally curvaceous, and I have no creative soliloquies to describe my desire to gnaw.

Except to say that I’d slap a Nun and ask for change just for the chance to argue with her proctologist over a parking space.

Stackhouse Voted

Last week’s winner and legendary douche poet, Stackhouse, wanted to drop by and vote in this week’s HCwDB of the Week.

Here’s a brief excerpt from a larger poem that Stackhouse is working on, tentatively called “WTF I’m Trying to Do Tri’s”:

—-
WTF I’m trying to do tri’s and 2 fat f*cks with long hair,1 in a pussy ass pony tail and the other just a wavy fire crotch, get on the machine right in front of the mirror. Take ur ugly asses back 2 the dance dance revolution machine. Let me enjoy the 10 minutes I have in front of this mirror in peace
—-

A brief meditation on life and the existential crisis of mortality. Let us heed the poetic words of Stackhouse. Let us always remind ourselves that we must enjoy the 10 minutes we have in front of this mirror in peace.

For life’s pussy ass pony tails and wavy fire crotches never heed our goals, proving life is folly, and, in the end, ‘ere to humble us.

HCwDB of the Week

Another solid HCwDB of the Week for your parsification. With three couplings of toxicity that each deserve merit/mock, it’s a tough choice. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Gnome Chompsky and Hottnah Arendt

I’m not convinced this is one of HCwDB’s legendary Oompa Prompas, Tall Prompa. But it’s certainly possible. Orange Guidosity does tend to blend into one giant ball of hair grease.

However, without further evidence, I’m giving Gnome Chompsky and Hottnah their shot.

She is delightful, young adult debutante intellectual ass pear.

He is the leading academic expert on the linguistic circulations of meaning in the contested space of power relations and poo.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Pud Brothers and Lisa

First appearing as a double-douche mack on the sexy and confused Lisa, The Pud Brothers come complete with matching sunglasses and kissy lips.

They are classic HCwDB, proving that the ‘bag peak of 2007 still leaves turd floaters in its wake.

Continuing to hit on poor Lisa, Rogue Leader eventually broke from the pack to fly solo, continuing on in a Friday Thoughts and Links post, before learning to count to three while hitting on Barely Legal Chandra. Actually that may have been Rogue #2 in one of those pics. Like the Prompas, these turds look the same.

That’s some serious run of uberdouche in presence of hott.

But are the Pud Brothers, being as they are such classic douchebag, enough of 2010-era taint to take the prize?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Supermang and Lois

God damn this is a tough Weekly. Our third hottie/douchey coupling not only brings quality uber-hottness to the game, but “69” hat tilt and ginormous watch.

The ‘Mang followed up his hitting on the sexy Lois by macking on Lana in a Friday Haiku.

Or maybe Lana is Lois in disguise. Everyone’s confusing me this morning. Heck, I can barely affix postage stamps. I blame the cheap but delicious Hostess products.

Lois is all that’s glorious about bicameral reproduction. Her belly doesn’t just ask me to “pooch” upon it. It tasks me. It demands that I go “pweeeeeeee!!!” in a loud ass-noise way.

The hardest cut of all was leaving Ass Tea off the list, as Private School Claire was delightful and those chin pubes were rank. Maybe I’ll slip him into the next Weekly if I can. The Guppy just missed the cut due to potential Halloweeny-ness, but Belly Dancer Jessica will haunt my dreams for many a fortnight.

So them’s your three. We’ve got Oompa Prompa level Orange Guid. Classic kissy lips Party Pud. And Southern fratdouche. All with high quality hotties.

Which of the three should win this week’s HCwDB of the Week?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Chuggo Lives

Chuggo didn’t get his due at the 2009 Douchie Awards. So here’s one more look back at the genius of this untalented douche’s nonsensical spew.

“Your mom’s box smells like a muskrat.” — words of wisdom from a man who knows how to ski.

The Rogue Pud Brother Counts to Three

One of The Pud Brothers who was macking on Lisa last Monday, is gearing up for Monday’s HCwDB of the Week.

With repeated appearances of uber-choad in the presence of quality hotts, The Pud Brothers are the early favorites. Especially with Alien Autopsy Ring watching.

And little Chandra is all that is great about the great white north. Her shoulder is uber-gnaw.

Tracy at the Gun Show

Because nothing says primitive Maori culture over at the Alpha Doucha frat quite like the bicep tribal tatt.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Our first full week of the new year, and HCwDB is firing on all cylinders. The comments threads are poppin’, the douches are mock worthy, and the hotties desire suckle.

If you’d like to say hi to your humble narrator on our collective journey of mock/lust, submit a pic, or if you’re a female between the ages of 18-24 and would like to meet a drunk, hungover alcoholic with itchy calves, drop me a line.

While I frequently forget to respond, I read everything, and always appreciate hearing from fellow hunters and huntresses. Also, HCwDB submissions are what keep the site’s pics fresh on a daily basis. And by fresh, I mean festering poopie diaper. So send quality hottie/douchey pics. Or else I’ll have to do some real work around here.

Your humble narrator is heading back to sunny Los Angeles as we wrap post on season #2 of my show on MTV, Is She Really Going Out With Him? And I prepare to try to get the darn movie made.

Things is good. Hava tequila.

Here’s your links:

Don’t forget, the DB1 is on Twitter. Follow my ass.

Honey, doesn’t that look like a?… Oh, nevermind.

Upset that he’s now losing roles to the far superior Jesse Eisenberg, Michael Cera goes Guido with the help of some douche from The Jersey Shore.

Reader Kevin gives the site some love.

And another HCwDB endorsement by Stephen Metcalf on Slate’s Gabfest (in the last minute or so of the podcast).

Meanwhile, HCwDB of the Week winner Stackhouse hates Christians.

Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Klausen puts in an early bid for 2010 Douchiest Athlete.

The Biggest Douche in Hollywood. Kade style.

David Letterman on ‘The Douche Thing’.

And, because you’ve been good this week, suffering through so many hottie/douchey cohabitations, you deserve a quality shot of biteable cheek. The last of the 2009 Christmas ass pear:

Rudolph Pear.

Oh, hell, I’m feeling generous.

Have some Fireside Pear too.

Don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya.

The Bonobag

Mindy from Human Resources really should know better as she hits her mid 30s.

But the options on match.com just aren’t what they were.

Reader Mail: The Oz-Metro Douche (OMD)

Wednesday’s Kiwi ‘Bag brought us more emails from the Southern Hemisphere:

—-
Hey dude,

All the best,
DouchemasterJ
—-

As I mentioned when discussing the Kiwi ‘Bag, I get a bunch of submissions from the Australia/New Zealand/Isle of Atlantis/Live at Budokan region. Yet I can’t run very many of them. Most of the douchiest ‘bags from this area of the globe just look so darn nice. Smiley. Happy. Even these two matching cheese-heads are hard to truly mock because they’re just so happy to be there.

Which is actually a good thing. It means the Grieco Virus hasn’t fully spread around the world with the same virulence we see in Europe and South and North America.

But oh those tasty Naomi Wattsian Aussie hotts. They can road my warriors and Baz my Luhrmanns any day. Mate.