Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Three Douches and a Little Lady

It’s like that movie from the 80s with Steve Guttenberg, Ted Danson and Tom Selleck.

Only instead of lame and contrived scenarios involving baby bottles and diapers playing off the 1980s Mr. Mom gender inversion crisis of the traditional male work role, we have Vegas crotchpud.

However, if there’s one thing I can safely say the 2010s don’t need more of, it’s Steve Guttenberg references.

Sorry, Mahoney.

Gnome Chompsky

Gnome Chompsky’s important academic treatises examining how transnational power structures impose a culture of Orangeface on the masses won him the Poolitzer Prize in 2005.

Here we find a picture of Gnome Chompsky, along with Hottnah Arendt, greeting the prize committee at the awards ceremony in upstate Strong Island.

Of note to douchal historians: At the awards show dinner, Chompsky would fist pump the shit out of a rough draft of his soon to be seminal work on masculinity, crisis and chin pube, Chinstrap Facial Fungus and Foucault.

The Rogue Pud Brother

Looks like one of the Pud Brothers who was bothering Lisa yesterday is bringing his Kissy Lips mack on to the next girl at the party.

But, as much as I feel bad for Jamie here, this is good news!!

Has Lisa finally escaped the party she shouldn’t have gone to??

HCwDB of the Week: Stackhouse

The run of primitive douche poetry is legend. Poetic douche-verse, 2, 3, 4, poultry 1, more poultry, The Church of Poultry, and, hating Philadelphia.

That’s right.

Get some.

The voters speak:

ehcuodouche: The guy redefines douchebag with every sentence he mangles. Stackdouche FTW. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna put on my hater blockers and go crush some pussy.

MoeDouche: Stackhouse FTW. Delusional and douchy is how I love my poetry nowdays. 2010 is off to a resounding start!

McLeery: Doucheclops is truly scary, but I dont know if any significantly hot chick would be seen with that. Thus, my vote goes to Stackhouse for solid, longrunning douchyness.

EL CAGANER: Stackhouse is a true poet. His words bring out our emotions. He also has range. I laughed, cried, and became deeply disturbed. While the tongue made me vomit and Euro hotts had me renewing my passport, they just didn’t get some. Stackhouse by a turkey ftw.

Et Tu Douche?: Stackhouse FTW, everything about him is choad in it’s purest primordial form.

Anonymous 3:16: Stackhouse, though, is everything we fight to subject to high voltage, flamethrowers, ball peen hammers to the temple, and castration – definitely castration, as we can’t allow him to reproduce. Please God, no.

TheReverendDoom: Not only does he deserve the win he deserves to be kicked in the crotch repeatedly by every veteran that is insulted by his unawareness of reality. Thank you Stackhouse for being the ultimate douche in 2010… may your anus leak for eternity.

little beaver: Stackhouse FTW. Because his pooetry inspired my ill advised raw unsalted belt of bacon.

Baron Von Goolo: OW! He’s a STACK—–house! He crushin’ poo-SAY, and wearin’ shirts with no sleeves. He’s a STACK—–house! His abs are tight. His belt is white. Suckin’ on a Michelob Lite. He’s a STACK—–house! He stalks his ex, and flex his pecs, and thinks that “only faggots spelchex.”

DarkSock: Stackhouse lets us peer into his sole, which is akin to dropping a flare into an army latrine hole on chili day and using your face to mount the poo-hole like an air-tight gasket. I vote Stackhouse, because of his devout narcissism that makes him interpret the contempt others have for him as jealousy. GET SOME rectal chapstick.

scrotum pole: Sometimes a person’s douchebagisity isn’t apparent from the outside. Stackhouse lacks much of the quintessential douche paraphernalia. Instead, he exposes his vacuous soul for all the world to see through imbecillic prose. (dude can fist-pump some top-shelf poultry)

Sad Party Karaoke Robot: Get Some Siemen!

Wedgie: Stackhouse is the worst in all of us. Narcissism as an art form. Very primitive art, but so are the cave drawings in Lascaux.

Mr. White: Much like the 1066 Norman invasion of England, Stackhouse has infused our mock with a whole slew of new phrases, including “crushing pussy.” Eurobrow could have been a contender any other week, but this week, Stackhouse crushes him, and crushes Doucheclops and his questionably gendered companion. Stackhouse for the GET SOME!

Well done, team. It was a Stackslide. While some object to the use of poetry as a determining factor, Stack has every right to be in the Weekly, and the Monthly, as he has brought enough hot chicks and frost tipped hair in pics to compete on purely visceral grounds. However, the hotts may still be debated, as The Eurobrow brought A-list hottness to the Weekly and also found votes:

shawk: Eurobrow, FTW. Of course, I base my picks mostly on the Hot Chick, so it’s no contest here.

Anonymous: euro brow FTW his hot is F*ckin soooo fine I just finished a happy one to her TY Monica!!! Nam out

Don’t ‘bag be, bro: I vote for Eurobrow – the ACME of douchebag. He is the pinnacle of ‘bag evolution and forebodes of 2010 ‘baggery. Plus, he has the hottest hott. The Germanic goddess Freya. She could Reichstag my Fire anytime.

Sluggo: The Eurobrow for the win, because I just had to Google “types of piercings” to learn that that’s called a “labret.”

And some, like doucheywallnuts lodged a complaint that verbosity shouldn’t be required to tag a ‘bag, casting in for the tongue fungus of The Doucheclops:

doucheywallnuts: What’s the sense of being a douchebag if you have to read his thoughts in order to truly recognize someone’s douchebaggery? While Stash is at least a douchebag of epic proportions once you “get to know him,” I prefer to judge a douche by its cover. I’m going against the Stash-alanche and voting for the Doucheclops, a honest-to-goodness scary-to-look-at douchebag.

Well said D.W. But while HCwDB is primarily visuals based, I do think we can make the occasional exception and factor in verbosity as well. Also the Stack is a douche with hot chick based on pics alone.

Lets turn it over to Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche to take us home:

GET SOME…Stackhouse FTW. He is like the Fritz Haber of this site. A Noble-prize laureate who found a way to thoroughly disgust the entire population of the Earth by using his “gifts” for a sinister purpose. May Stackhouse be fist pumped by a herd of rampaging elephants that will be bearing HIV-infected cream pies.

Well done everyone, and another epic and hilarious comments threads, promising a great 2010: The Year We Mock Content. Yeah, I just made an Arthur C. Clarke joke.

Stack for the Monthly and the DB1 for Frosted Flakes.

The Red Balloon

PIC DELETED

And to think, as a kid I’d always heard that if you held your breath and pouted, you’d turn blue.

Ask DB1: My Sister’s Dating a Choad

—-
DB1-

PS. my sisters the middle girl.
—-

Firstly, A.B., let me compliment your sister on her sweet smile, and her excellent choice of female friends for future pillow fights and massage oil experiments during sophomore year after they take “Postmodern Feminism” and read Halberstam. Also, Ubiquitous Red Cup is on the scene, and monitoring the situation.

My advice is for your sister to begin reading HCwDB immediately. Only then will she begin to identify the many stages and permutations of the modern scrote fungus.

And, of course, I offer personal counseling sessions in my living room for all fertile hot chicks trying to reorient their reality away from dating choadscrote. In which complimentary Night Train and HoHos will be provided. And where I teach my latest Kundalini yoga meditative breathing and stretching exercise, “Awkward Groping Dog.”

Ask DB1: My Sister's Dating a Choad

—-
DB1-

PS. my sisters the middle girl.
—-

Firstly, A.B., let me compliment your sister on her sweet smile, and her excellent choice of female friends for future pillow fights and massage oil experiments during sophomore year after they take “Postmodern Feminism” and read Halberstam. Also, Ubiquitous Red Cup is on the scene, and monitoring the situation.

My advice is for your sister to begin reading HCwDB immediately. Only then will she begin to identify the many stages and permutations of the modern scrote fungus.

And, of course, I offer personal counseling sessions in my living room for all fertile hot chicks trying to reorient their reality away from dating choadscrote. In which complimentary Night Train and HoHos will be provided. And where I teach my latest Kundalini yoga meditative breathing and stretching exercise, “Awkward Groping Dog.”

Lisa’s Still Trapped

Yesterday, we met poor Lisa, who made the regrettable choice not to stay home and cuddle with her teddybear watching TiVo’d Dexter. Instead, Lisa decided to go to a party. Only to find it filled with douchepud.

Poor Lisa.

Still trapped.

Note the fear and revulsion hiding behind her forced smile. Note the dual Kissy Lips shoe-scrapes behind her.

What shall we do to liberate this doe from the crush of party pud?

Lisa's Still Trapped

Yesterday, we met poor Lisa, who made the regrettable choice not to stay home and cuddle with her teddybear watching TiVo’d Dexter. Instead, Lisa decided to go to a party. Only to find it filled with douchepud.

Poor Lisa.

Still trapped.

Note the fear and revulsion hiding behind her forced smile. Note the dual Kissy Lips shoe-scrapes behind her.

What shall we do to liberate this doe from the crush of party pud?

Stackhouse the Poet Finds Out He’s On HCwDB: A Poem in Three Stanzas

I title this poem, “The Swellery”:

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So I guess I finally made it to the big leagues when it comes to envy. Apparently f*cking hot bitches, being educated on the topic of mythology (Religion, & the magic man in the sky), being disgusted by Fat F*cks, and steady keeping it jacked & tan is D-bag worthy. I love it, bask in the rays of my spiked hair, while i…m out crushin puss & taking names. GET SOME
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Pounding beers, and watching football. Waiting for more victims of my cream pie to post shit about me on the web. The game ends early and my under age jumpoffs fall asleep early too. I need some amusement, help me out who-bags

“How is this guy still alive? And why do I have to keep seeing him? Seriously, enough already.” Answer: Im still alive cause my dicks big, my tans fresh, my face looks nice, and people like to be around me….prob, the same reason why Im featured on websites with girls I f*ck and ur not. Get use to it cheif, its Amer…ica, and cowards with morals line up DFL, when I checked last…GET SOME
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Will I am a D-bag, I usually don’t care about grammar, but when it comes to the word crushing before the word pussy, I have to edit. One of my few morals. Back to the grind, work, tanning, the swellery, crushing pussy. Its gonna be a good year. Get Some
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