Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Stackhouse the Poet Finds Out He's On HCwDB: A Poem in Three Stanzas

I title this poem, “The Swellery”:

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So I guess I finally made it to the big leagues when it comes to envy. Apparently f*cking hot bitches, being educated on the topic of mythology (Religion, & the magic man in the sky), being disgusted by Fat F*cks, and steady keeping it jacked & tan is D-bag worthy. I love it, bask in the rays of my spiked hair, while i…m out crushin puss & taking names. GET SOME
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Pounding beers, and watching football. Waiting for more victims of my cream pie to post shit about me on the web. The game ends early and my under age jumpoffs fall asleep early too. I need some amusement, help me out who-bags

“How is this guy still alive? And why do I have to keep seeing him? Seriously, enough already.” Answer: Im still alive cause my dicks big, my tans fresh, my face looks nice, and people like to be around me….prob, the same reason why Im featured on websites with girls I f*ck and ur not. Get use to it cheif, its Amer…ica, and cowards with morals line up DFL, when I checked last…GET SOME
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Will I am a D-bag, I usually don’t care about grammar, but when it comes to the word crushing before the word pussy, I have to edit. One of my few morals. Back to the grind, work, tanning, the swellery, crushing pussy. Its gonna be a good year. Get Some
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The Juice Singer

Mammary!! Mammary!! Can ya see I’m orange, Mammarrryyy!!

Because references to 1920s talkies are what keep HCwDB on that Perez/TMZ pop culture edge that’s always hip with the kids.

This choadbucket of orange spittle may or may not be parodying the My New Haircut dude. Either way: douche.

On a related ‘range note, to answer the longstanding question, Can Brothabags also be Orange? The answer, Virginia, is yes, yes they can, as Brothabag Bennie shows us Orange Ab.

Ice-Tea Sez “Ass Chin!”

T gots the crazzzzy ass shaped chin pubes, yo!

they is YOURS, yo!

Ice-Tea Sez "Ass Chin!"

T gots the crazzzzy ass shaped chin pubes, yo!

they is YOURS, yo!

Lisa Regrets Her Choice to Attend the Party

Should’ve stayed home, Lisa.

There’s a few episodes of Dexter still on the TiVo.

And the DB1, waiting on your couch, ready to massage your feet with linseed oils and melted candy corns, only to furtively sniff your Snuggie like a homeless shetland pony when you’re in the kitchen getting more Lapsang Souchong tea.

Hurry.

Sad 80s Bret Michaels Douche Voted

Sad 80s Bret Michaels Douche and Brunette Britney stopped by to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

EDIT: This is not actually Bret Michaels. It is a category of ‘bag I’ve named the “Sad 80s Bret Michaels Douche.”

HCwDB of the Week

The 2009 Douchie Awards are handed out. The New Year has sproinged. It’s the first HCwDB of 2010. Welcome back! The HCwDB project continues in a new decade. I feel giddy like a school girl hopped up on Percoset.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Doucheclops

While clearly a spectacle of subhuman, perhaps alien spawn, the Doucheclops also brings many traditional douche signifiers to the Weekly.

“Rocker” hand gesture. Douche face (albeit inhuman and Satanic). Bling. Receding fauxhawk.

Add in the utterly vile tongue fungus and a healthy potted plant in the background, and we have a Weekly finalist of strong merit.

On the hott side of the equation, some in the threads have questioned the hottness of Shen Chi.

While I’ve never had the Asian Fever like some, Shen Chi is perfectly capable of holding her own in a hott contest. Pic #2, The Doucheclops and the Hipsterbag, only increases her hottsapeal.

But are they rank/hott in oppositional contradiction enough to take the Weekly?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Stackhouse and Mandy/Katarina

Is Stackhouse fatigue building? Is there a Stacklash?

With a whopping six entries of poetic douche-verse in one week, a week when your narrator was mostly inebriated and enjoying tasty Hostess snack cakes, Stackhouse brings the primitive poetry of an even less coherent HCwDB legend, He Just Bangs Bitches and Drinks.

But pictorially, Stackhouse is only an average choad band. His hotts in pic #1 (pictured here) are impressive. Subsequent pics brought his main squeeze, Dagny. Lost in our collective mock of Stackhouses’s poetic genius is that Dagny is quality hottness. Seen here in pic #2 and pic #3.

Then there’s Stackhouse’s love poem of dishwashing.

Finally, Stackhouse ended up posing with dudes and turkeys here and here, and, after his long poetic journey, the Stackster ends up hating Philadelphia.

Can the Stacker and the Mandy Girls Get Some in the Weekly?

A strong contender, but the backlash may be building.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Eurobrow

A truly superior HCwDB pic is about the dialectics of meaning created between the sexy boobie hottie suckle thigh of innocent hottness, and the greased up choadface of douchepoo.

The Eurobrow, Uter and Monica, have both of these elements in spades.

And by spades, I mean eyebrow shave.

With spikey fern-faux, Vanilla Ice double-shave and a fruffy Euroshirt, The Eurobrow is all that is rank in Reykjavik.

Monica has the sultry overbite of Germanic antediluvian boobosity.

She is to be celebrated. By the DB1. Humming Wagner and downing a Berliner Kindl Weisse while furtively pawing at her boobies and emiting primal moans.

Sadly, I had to pass over Reddy Vedder, in spite of the genius tan painting clip, on account of his semi-pro douche status and lack of notable hot chick. Ranger Rick just didn’t bring enough to make it. Linguini Frank also just missed the cut, although his hair will haunt my ether-induced fever dreams.

So them’s your three.

Which coupling of choad toad and booby scooby has enough spunk to inspire more lame word rhyming from your humble narrator, the DB1, in the new year?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread. And lets welcome the HCwDB project to 2010 with a bang. And by bang, I mean tasty Frosted Flakes.

Stackhouse the Poet Does Not Like Philadelphia

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In a bar in the city of shitadelphia, and 4 some reason everyone keeps talking shit cause I rock dog tags, an FSU jersey and hater blockers. Funny thing is there are poor white trash mumer parade people in obscene outfits just chillen. But of course I’m the asshole, that’s why I love being a FL boy. Enjoy the cold u pale ass, cancer ridden haters. Get Some
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Reddy Vedder Paints Himself Red

For those who’ve desired a peak behind the red-skinned minstrel show, this clip of Friday’s Reddy Vedder comes to us from Denmark. Proving, once again, the Grieco Virus is now global in scope.

Look for the many douchal signifiers, including Scarface posters, a Confederate flag (?), and, of course, the aforementioned paint-on douche tan. Interestingly, Reddy Vedder speaks English in this piece about as well as Stackhouse does.

(warning: only minimal hot chick presence, showing up, confused, in the last 20 seconds)

Durf and Kelly

Because we need a little wholesome hottness on the site after all this Stackhouse poetry, here’s sweet Kelly, getting mugged by a stage-2 fratbag, Durf.

While Ubiquitous Red Cups take on Rare-Ass Blue Cups for Beer Pong world supremacy.

Durf is short for “Durfkovsky,” and Durf is very sensitive about it. So do not say his name with any retarded inflection. For that makes the short bus kids cry.

And on an unrelated note, HCwDB’s own One for the Choad pens an article for Bullz-Eye and gives the HCwDB comments threads some well deserved props.