Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet hates John Mayer Too

Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet wanted to drop by and share something.

What did you want to share with us, Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet?

Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet: Look into my creepy eyes… my neatly trimmed facial hair and eye shadow gnaw your soul… nom nom nom…

That’s it? That’s all you wanted to share, Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet?

Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet: No. I also think John Mayer is a douche.

Okay, thanks for dropping by, Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet. And good luck with Princess Jasmine!

Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet: Hey thanks.

Breaking: John Mayer is still a Douchebag

For those wondering, the latest issue of Rolling Stone confirms that soulless guitar twat John Mayer is still the personification of the word douchebag.

Is the word “douchebag” overused, like so many claim these days? Played out? Not so long as this self-obsessed narcissist, with his Stackhousian quotes, is on the cover of the Rolling Stone.

From the Mayerbag’s carefully constructed “I don’t care about my image” image, to his claims to be a “geek” because he watches porn and plays PS2, to his “wounded soul” shtick to get laid, this preening fraud hack echoes the guitar greats in sound, but not talent. His is a soulless echo of the mass media age. Mylie Cyrus has more musical integrity.

When you carefully blur the line between irony and sincerity in service of the self like some postmodern pastiche of “rock star,” you display the ultimate Jersey Shore of the soul.

You lick donkey nutsack, Mayerbag. You’re not as smart as you think you are, you’re not as clever as you think you are, and you’re not as talented as you think you are.

Now get off my magazine covers and go back to stalking stripper poon in Vegas while your fame runs dry.

Gonzi, the Terrorist Ed Hardy Douche Muppet

Because if looking like a terrorist Ed Hardy douche muppet wearing McBain Goggles That Do Nothing gets you in with Mandy, then by god, that’s Gonzi’s plan.

The Guccbag Responds To H8ters

Tuesday’s Guccbag responds in the comments threads:

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WOW, are you guys serious? a friend sent me the link to this, people actually take time out of Their day to comment on pics of other people they don’t even know/ have never met? Your lives are that lame it’s come down to this lol? I created an account just to post this ONE comment because most people are busy MAKING MONEY/ WORKING HARD TO BETTER THEIR LIFESTYLE.. not trying to degrade people to make them feel a little better about their LAME/ SAD lives. Get a life you HATERS!!!, you think this couple is so bad, maybe you need to take a second look here..

*THANK YOU HATERS FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT*
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Remember kids, people “work hard to better their lifestyle.” Not life. Lifestyle.

But on the flip, he did spell “hater” correctly.

Pablo Bagbozo Confirms Douchitude

Our newly minted HCwDB of the Week winner, Pablo Bagbozo, wanted to drop by and offer additional evidence that your judgment of him as a heaping art-school Milli Vanilli douchescrote in presence of the ladies was well deserved.

And I see you too, Russian Vitaly. And I see Janette, the orange, but curvy as hell ‘baguette, too.

I would orange her oranges.

Which is a euphemism for touching the boobies.

Old Men and Kangol Hats

Old Men and Kangols go together like oil and water. Israel and Palestine. Culture and Texas.

Oh, naughty Mona. Your eyes say yes. Your hand says yes. Your lips say yes.

Yet your pink bikini-bra asks me to run up from behind, pull it back, snap it, then run off giggling. Just like I did in third grade.

And I would do it all again.

Stackhouse the Poet Donates His Dick to Charity

Stackhouse The Poet’s “bitches with no self confidence love buying their own drinks and driving home in neons”:

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#1 reason the strip in Tallahassee are strong proponents of fat ugly customers….No Mirrors in any of their bathrooms. WTF, I’m sorry but I need to look at my fine ass after I take a piss, or blow down coke off of a dirty toilet seat. 4 bars, and not 1 mirror, f*cking bush league.

I’m gonna donate my dick to charity tonight, get ready busted bitches, here comes ur porn star tax right off. Get Some
—-

The Dweeble

Dweebles wobble, but they don’t fall down.

They do, however, bust orange-face kissy lips while making dual sideways peace signs, while arm hooking the perfectly delectable tiramisu hottness of Kiya.

I would air guitar to six hours of the Jonas Brothers on continual loop while standing naked on stage at Staples Center just for the chance to lick the dried crystalline sweat beads left behind by her thigh after test using a Bowflex in 2007.

The Hairodox

I have a question for fun-house-mirror Peter Dinklage douche.

Does the Hairdox discrepancy between face and chest so confuse Patti and Elanor, that they willingly allow your shoulder to mash their boobs during photos?

Thankfully, forty bottles of Grey Goose are about to intervene like an invading Dalek army.

HCwDB of the Week: Pablows Bigbozo and Art School Tina

This was more a week for the boobie hottie suckle thigh lovers among us. Each hott was delectable. As such, it was a very close vote. But it is Pablows, aka The Hambagler, and sexy cosmpolitan Art School Tina, who eeked out the win in a closely divided vote. The voters speak:

Douches Wild: My vote is for Pablows, he demonstrates once again that no matter how many convoluted layers of self conscious pseudo-irony a Baggeriono might marshal in the pursuit of authenticity, the net effect will always be POSEUR, ergo Douche

IdahoHottPotato: I’m going with Pablow and Art School Tina. Because together they remind me of Stephanie and Johnny from Grease 2, and I HATED Grease 2. I suspect T-Birds and Pink Ladies were early hot chick and douchebag prototypes.

Darth Doucheous: I think that the douchiest is Pablows Bigbozo , look at that hat tilt. And the kissy lips… ugh. Guppy looks like a Halloween costume, and Lars would get a notadouche from many and maybe even me depending if I have a good day and I feel lenient…

Saving Private Guido: Pablows Bigbozo FTW! It’s a cruel summer and Lars definitely puts up a strong fight. But in the end, Pablows’ douche face makes me want to beat down DJ Lance from Yo-Gabba-Gabba with a sock full of locks.

the motley douche: Oh, Pablows. I question your hott, but not nearly as much as your kissy face. What the hell?!?.

Anonne Huntress: Pablows Bigbozo ftw. Because guybrowliner and carefully tweezed chin pubes around punchworthy gay-ass kissy lips sucks.

Dr. DB: I vote Pablows. I don’t even think copying Sammy Davis Jr. in the 60’s was cool, so why now? Also, the 45 degree knit cap tilt only worked for Bing Crosby in White Christmas. So no, the candy man can’t, and Pablows can FTW.

John Scrotavich: Pablows, because he has the nerve to frame his own douchosity.

Medusa Oblongata: . I went to art school. Art school, like any school, teems with dudes trying to get laid. Although, unlike the muttonhead fratdouche approach, the Art choad id far more devious and sinister. Weeping for a dead girlfriend who never existed, pretending to be on heroin, pretending to be gay, these are some of the brushes in the painting kit of the art douche.

Guns n Douches: I thought there would be no clearcut winner, but this schmuck take it. Is he a DJ? An impressionist painter? Doesn’t matter. Kissylips plus knit-hat-tilt equals douche. So, Pablows gety my seal of approval for the weekly. And by seal of approval, I mean jackboot to the gonads in hopes of rendering him impotent.

Publius Choadius Naso: Pablows and his kanga-tilting, chin-pubing, pleather-wearing, gesture-dropping, kissy-fronting schtick FTW. Get your hands off of her; she’s too good for you.

Crazed Aborigine: There is a strong whiff of gaybaggery here, but assuming he actually has, somewhere in his tiny lizard brain, some form of lust for Tina’s perfect smile, perfect cheekbones, and black-and-pink-striped sweater dress perfection, he has to be named the winner (loser) of the week

teh abominable snowdouche: Make no mistake my friends. PB is not a human being but a squirt of mongoose excrement on the Mona Tina. Art lovers all over the globe puke now. Pablows FTL.

Nicely argued panel, and I agree that potential gaybaggery is not certain with this kissy lipsian Milli Vanilli fool. Coming in second was the dress-up fratbaggery of The Guppy and Belly Dancer Jessica:

-crazy-sexy-douche: The Guppy FTW!!!!! I knew a douchebag who looked just like him in college, he was always trying to sell me tickets to college snowboarding trips. Also, there are parts of Jessica’s body I would lick that even the Germans couldn’t forgive.

Desert Douche: The Guppy FTW. He’s watched every Scott Caan movie from “Enemy of the State” to “Ocean’s 13” and tries too hard to emulate. Although I question Jessica’s decision to meet this preppy pud at an Hampton Inn, I do not doubt her ability to reduce this “American Psycho” reject to tears.

notadouche: I vote Guppybag because even though I would spend a year in Sri Lanka rubbing a midget jungle god’s feet just for the chance to quality control check Ariella’s bathing suit, the hottie-douchey dynamic in The Guppy’s pic is just too strong.

shawk: Mr. Guppy will have a moderately successful career in the financial skimming industry, thanks to his previous experience in providing dried vegetable extract products to his college frat mates. Fortunately, Mr. Guppy won’t be able to afford the divorce.

Dude McCrudeshoes: I luv Belly Dancer Jessica. She looks like ‘That Girl’ Marlo Thomas had a love child with Barbara Eden. Sure, it’s weird and creepy to picture them now, but picture them bumping fuzzies circa 1968.

The Guppy was a worthy ‘bag, and Jessica was teeth meltingly hott, but the dress-up factor cost them in the Weekly. A very close third place, with solid support, was the dual nakedness of Lars and Ariella.

Adrian.W.: Lars is a ‘modest’ douche I’ll admit – although I use the term lightly, it’s an oxymoron is it not? But Ariella’s curves are arranged in a way that make a race track jealous… finished with a transparent outfit that even a blind man could see through.

Bob: Lars and Ariella. Choadiest scrote and most amazing hott.

Motherscratcher: He makes me more sure than ever that we are past the point of no return heading for the terrifying apocalytic future envisioned by Cormac McCarthy.

little beaver: Ariella is a natural beauty, so comfortable with her body that this is her game day and or concert attire. Tina looks perfectly comfortable in an art gallery, but needs to show more skin for the win this week.

I agree that Lars did not get the mock his undies-poke deserved, and Ariella is curve perfection. But the Bigbozo was too art-school annoying while humping Tina in front of an empty frame that betrays our societal soul’s blankness. Lets turn it over to Baron Von Goolo to take us home:

Pablows bring a breath of fresh air into the ranks of the Smoots and Stackhouses. And by “fresh air” I mean metrosexual, free-Freixenet-at-the-art-gallery-opening yak fart. Plus, creepy, hairy lemur fingers. Long, tall Art School Tina with her twinkling eyes and enviable capacity for horizontal stripes may not be the hottest hott in the room, but she’s the one you’re still thinking about three days later as you futilely start stalking the organic produce section at any Trader Joe’s within a five mile radius of Wilshire and Fairfax because you know that you will die dry and hollow without another serendipitous glimpse of that perfect smile, like ivory cobblestones paving the path to Nirvana, where birds of paradise chirp out the winning Powerball numbers. That, and you want her to touch your winky.

Superbly, kickassingly done as well, props to all who voted. And the DB1 for Cornflakes. With lots of sugar added. Because there was a sale on Cornflakes. Even though Cornflakes do not bring the Frosted.