Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Danny, The Aging Rockerbag

Okay, even though I’m 95% sure that The Corky wasn’t actually retarded, was just caught in a goofy facial moment, I’ll pull him. Instead, here’s Danny, the Aging Rockerbag.

One of the easiest categories to tag in the wild.

Danny refuses to give up the facial pube patterns, as he tries to talk Maria into coming back to his place to see his authentic signed Les Paul collection.

And because nothing says AC/DC early 80s rock quite like the Ed Hardy Hat Tilt and White Studded Belt.

The Princess and the Log

Disney Animation is really going off-brand these days.

Jewish Rick James Guy Voted

Jewish Rick James, whose full name is “Jewish Rick James Bootsie Collins Wannabe Who Can’t Play an Instrument But The White Girls Don’t Know That Smith,” wanted to come by with the vaguely scared Sorority Girls Lana and Sue and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

Okay, this dude probably is a legit musician, which would suggest possible Rockstar Leniency Rule (RLR).

But it’s Monday, and I have deep, deep love for Lana’s back arch.

HCwDB of the Week

Since a lot of classic HCwDB legends visited the site last week, it was a light week for new, quality, mockworthy HCwDB. So I’m throwing in one of the just-missed from two weeks ago, The Guppy.

Here’s your three:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Guppy

Halloween or no, this blondefauxian Trustachoadian is all that is Bret Easton Ellis private school preppy pud of smug inheritance douche.

Hey, wasn’t Private School Preppie Pud one of those mid 1980s sex comedies?

I miss those movies.

A key part of my youth involved a smuggled VHS copy of Where The Boys Are, ’84 when I was in third grade.

But back to Belly Dancer Jessica.

Halloween dress-up? Perhaps. Gnaw worthy pear? Absolutely.

Her coy smile promises summering in the Hamptons and a $250,000 divorce when you’re in you’re mid 40s. And it was worth it.

The Guppy just makes my uvula rebel with toxic retraction.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Lars and Ariella Show Their Underwear

Lars got a surprising amount of passes in the comments thread, forcing me to issue a warning:

If you cannot see this scrote as douche, you are becoming numb to the ways of the choad.

And yes, I cribbed that last sentence from Balzac.

Ariella’s body sings angelic boobie sonnets.

Lars is greased up, over-developed chest, rock concert going, bad sunglasses wearing, beer levitating asswank.

Showing us his undies.

For those doubting douche status, anyone who wears their pants like that is auto-pud.

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

So let me at Ariella’s fishnets.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Pablows Bigbozo

I’m gonna give the naming of this Friday Haiku pic to Crucial Head, who tagged Pablows Bigbozo in his haiku.

Pablows has the “ironic” Zoolander look of true douche trying to use irono-douche to excuse authento-bag.

It won’t work on us, Pablows.

We see through your empty frame.

And Art School Tina.

How I long to hear you complain about, like, how the curriculum is holding back your dream of an Interpretive Dance department.

Where you will perform silent dance versions signifiying how all sexual acts are metaphors for colonialist rape and conquest.

And I would nod. And agree with everything you said.

And hope we would make out later when your roommate was in the bathroom.

(Dis)honorable mention to The Monobag, The Green Techno Warrior, and the The Pinkhead, who seemed too clownish to nominate.

Which of these three couplings deserves to call itself HCwDB of the Week?

Give me your vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

Hall of Pear / Hall of Mock

Your humble narrator is doing a little HCwDB upgrade this weekend, including instituting the long awaited Hall of Pear to honor the greatest Ass Pear featured on the site.

I broke my own rule of limiting the Pear to six, as there were too many quality cheeks not to honor.

And by honor, I mean slapping Ringo’s drum solo from The Beatles’ “The End” on each of their glutes using only tiny plastic spoons.

I’ve also instituted a Hall of Mock for those in the comments thread who have made a consistent dedication to the art of ‘bag hunting. If you are in the Hall of Mock and would like me to link your name to a post or thread on HCwDB, let me know and I can make them names all hotlinky and stuff.

You’ll find both in the left hand column by scrolling down.

Your Sunday Stackhouse

An excerpt from his latest epic poem, “Choke on AIDS If U Drink Water”:

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Fat girls, and ugly bitches that drink water cause their to ugly to work out a fake I’d really need to die. The 1 ass f*ck stole my phone & handed it in to security as lost. Are u serious bitch? I moved 4 a second and u pulled that sh*t on me. At least she got 2 get off to my pictures, and gave it back like a good blubber c*nt. Moral of the story choke on AIDS if u drink water at the bar u f*cking gutter whore
—-

Your Saturday Pinkhead

It’s like Emma Goldman once famously remarked during the Holmstead Strike of 1892:

If you don’t have a personality, wear a pink zoot suit. But you’re still a douche.

Yeah, that’s right bitches. An Emma Goldman reference.

I need a coffee.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Sometimes I scratch myself in inappropriate places even when I do not itch.

This makes me wonder.

Do we itch therefore we scratch? Do we scratch in anticipation of itch?

Does a snitch in thyme save mimes?

Can one get wine stains out of a rug using only a paper towel and generic brand Windex?

Yup. Makin’ no sense. I blame today’s Ass Pear. But no skipping ahead! Go through your links first.

It’s Friday. Here’s your links:

The Gator: The Interview. A classic from 2006. “It takes me hours to get ready because it’s all down to what makes me look the most pumped up and muscly. I’m a bit of a perfectionist.” HCwDB legends are legends for a reason.

And speaking of HCwDB classics, Joey Porsche tags Joey Porsche.

And when you Google “Oompa Prompa,” a pic of HCwDB pointer, Peaches, comes up. Interesting.

Eagle-eyed reader Grieco Suave spotted a D.B. car in Minnesota.

Stackhouse likes it doggie style. In a dress.

Meanwhile, Wolverine is Tangerine.

Hot Penguins with Sealbags.

If the DB1 ever gets married, here’s a pic of my wedding cake.

Perez Hilton figures out that “Snooki” from The Jersey Shore was featured on my show, Is She Really Going Out With Him? first, back when we called her Nicole. This clip features one of my favorite VO lines I wrote for that episode: “This discourse has the elements of a Socratic debate, peppered in with more sh*ts and f*cks.” Getting references to Socratic debate on MTV. Score one for me.

Remember when demeaning black stereotypes used to randomly show up in major Hollywood blockbusters? Say Jim, that’s a bad outFIT! Whoa!

And then there’s this clip from Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen. Whoops, I mean this clip. Skidz and Mudflap “don’t do much readin’.”

Next thing you’ll tell me, Ron Jeremy was an extra in Ghostbusters. Here’s the full story confirming it’s really The Hedgehog. Cue “Slimer” jokes.

And from Ron Jeremy, we of course go to your Friday Ass Pear:

Lounge Pear.

Enjoy. For it is Friday. And it is the weekend.

Land of the Milfs and Hair Giants

I hear they’re big in Belgium and France.

Ask DB1: Where’s The Okiebags?

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Hey DB1,

-Wes
—–

Consider your point well taken, Wes. We must not exhibit coastal bias when tagging douche. I will keep an eye out for Okiebags in presence of midwestern hotts for future mock on the site.