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Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wednesday Limerick
Dave knew a strategy to play,
To snag ladies he’d act like he’s gay,
But the hott twins in back,
Weren’t fooled by this Jack,
So they headed for the bidet with their hombre.
Holy crap I need a coffee.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010White Chocolate Laughs at Supermang
HCwDB legend White Chocolate laughs at Supermang’s efforts to douche it up around the ladies.
Until the ‘Mang can form perfect hair gel pyramid point, bust Bonobag glasses and sculpt ass chin, all while hitting on the lost Simpson sister, he don’t got nuthin’.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010Sad Lisa
With not even a victory in the HCwDB of the Week, Sad Lisa is trapped by Rogue Pud Brother forever.
HCwDB of the Week: Supermang and Lois
The ‘Mang was too strong. Faster than a speeding roofie, able to bleep higher thought with a single hat tilt. And lets not forget the ‘Mang in Pic #2 or his attempt to disguise himself as Creepy Uncle Adrian.
dbBen: There is a red sun in the sky, and it is going to destroy new krypton because of the douche plague. It is a reckoning.
Sergeant Scrote Stain: Any choadwank scrotey enough to wear a hat emblazoned with the international symbol for simultaneous oral sex deserves recognition. And by ‘recognition’, I mean, ‘a blow from a lead pipe straight to the back of the cranium’
One for the choad: there is no touching Supermang’s incredible doucheosity. Lois has bad hair (what’s with those sky-high bangs?), but she also has Hypnoboobies. Mmmmmm, Hypnoboobies.
Cybele: Subtleties sell me on Mang: possibly real boobs on proud display, a neck angle (his) that implies a possessive entitlement and makes my vagina want to run away to a remote mountaintop, forever, just because guys like this exist.
Massengill: Supermang is bringing the redneck wanksta douche, which is a breed apart from Chompsky-esque ochre-choads and the kissy-lipped and Jerz-like Pud Brothers. And then there’s Lois. And by “Lois” I mean “boobs.”
Douche Cassidy and the Baggling Kid: Supermang FTW just because I’d Clark all over myself if Lois revealed her lovely Ta-Ta’s at an office holiday party filled with mulled wine and egg nog.
ehcuodouche: Supermang and Lois. There are boobs, and there are boobs that do that. And then there are people with a “69” mandanna. Ugh.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Supermang looks like he’s playing the part of Maria in “The Sound of Music” when she busts out “The hills are aliiiiive with the sound of moooooosic!” That’s right bitches, a Julie Andrews reference.
Maxim Kovalenko: Smarmy grin? Check. Dish plate sized watch? Check.
Rotated hat with stupid slogan/insignia? Check. Welding goggle sunglasses? Check. (Undoubtedly) Paid to Pose hott? Check.
Well Comiconed, team, and another expert round of ‘bag dissection. The ‘Mang is a worthy winner and Lois’s mamms are boobtastic. Coming in a solid second, even putting up a late challenge to the ‘Mang, were Lisa and the Pud Brothers.
Southern Scrotic: Lisa is the lost lamb among the grease ball wolves. She is sweet innocence; they are stinky poo. I must save her and kick them in the nads. Lisa FTW and the Pud Brahs for castration.
scrotecles: the Pud Brothers, with their pooty puckers, white glasses & head band are imminently punchable and mockworthy. Lisa looks like she just saw someone hurl a flaming bag of kittens off a bridge. Kudos to her for realizing she just happened upon a shitstorm of doucheyness. The dichotomy is strong here.
noobbag: Twin kissy lips, dual douchegoggles, enough hair gel straighten the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Oh, but the uncertainty I can see in Lisa’s face, I can still save her! There is hope, and with that, I vanquish the Brothers of Pud with a vote in the weekly!
Mr. Biggs: I haven’t seen anything that creepy since Newt was trapped by Alien Creep in Aliens. Lisa is still clinging to her innocence and virtue, and all around her is slime and pud. And that is the vintage moment we seek here at HCwDB. Pud Brothers FTW.
Don’t douchebag me, bro: I vote for the Pud Brothers. The Puds travel in packs of 2 (sometimes more), thereby overwhelming all contestants to the weekly, and all nearby hotts, with their Biblical proportions of douchebaggery.
little beaver: I would like to be trapped on a desert island with Lois, but I would live in a self storage unit with Lisa. Lisa ftw.
Motherscratcher: New from the BeePees: How deep is your Pud, Hoow Deeep is Your Pud, I really need to learn, ‘Cause we’re living in a world of Poo, Breaking us down. Won’t the Puds let Lisa be? She belongs to you and me. La da da da da…
ImageWrangler: I guess Puds because I’m voting for quantity, facing facts, behind the faked smile, Lisa is probably boring in bed but the most pure one to look at… shwing!
And poo(r) Gnome Chompsky and Hottnah. How far the Orange Jerz Guids have fallen in mock hierarchy. A distant third place finish:
memphis doucheworkers local 421: I vote for gnome chomsky, the orange chameleon of douchery. And while he may not be the tall prompa, I’m pretty sure gnome is actually artificial douchetelligence
Chaz: Gotta go with Gnome FTW for the audicity to put a chin strap on that weak sunken orange chin.
Cock-a-doodle-douche: “Everybody’s worried about stopping douchebaggery. Well, there’s a really easy way: stop participating in it.” – Noam Chomsky as he votes for Gnome Chomsky.
True indeed, poo, but orange chinstraps just can’t compete with Southern Vegas uber-wank. Lets turn it over to Jacques Doucheteau to take us home:
Spoos faster than a speeding bullet. His watch has more gears than a locomotive. Three-toed sloths are able to leap over him in a single bound. It’s SuperMang FTW! That, and Lois is very impregnate-worthy. She could feed twin products of our DNA convergence, and still have enough left over for me. Rowr!
Well said, J.D. The ‘Mang and Lois are worthy winners, and the first to announce a challenge to Stackhouse in the Monthly. Well done, team, and your narrator now goes for some ‘Flakes.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010Ask DB1: The Orangette
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DB1,
i’ve been reading your site for a few months now, and you keep mentioning the “douchebagette,” which is a female douche i guess. But i never see any pics of any. As a member of the fairer sex, i demand the right to make fun of a orange female douchebag!
Give it to me!
– Jennifer
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Ask and ye shall receive, Jennifer.
I present “The Orangette.” Pink blackberry not included.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010Ask DB1: Techno Music — Auto-Douche?
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DB1-
I am an athlete (cyclist) and discovered a great electro-house song that really gets me pumped up for training in these dark winter months outside.
I youtubed it since i am also a cheap college student so I wouldn’t have to download it. After listening to it a couple of times I noticed that the YouTube account that uploaded it was “XxxEdHardy.” I immediately closed the browser, and realized although i associated the song with kicking ass during racing, it now had this distinct taint that I cannot remove.
Are all songs ruined when used/associated with the cultural blight known as “The Douche?” As an athlete good training songs are based on the beat, and not who uses them.I am confused.
What does DB1 say about the music?
-Island Douche
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This is an excellent question, I.D., as music can serve different functions in very different settings. For instance, the Twin Peaks soundtrack and Mazzy Star only appear on my iTunes after attempts to seduce the hott using bottles of Night Train and assorted tasty Hostess cupcakes have failed. They are not what we would term recreational music. Instead they function as the soundtrack for hotts storming out of my hovel and slamming the door on me after I awkwardly love-hump their coats while they’re in the bathroom.
But I digress.
Douche music often consists of what I term “Roid Beat.” Sped-up techno meant to help juiced up toolbags “get some.” Therefore I cannot automatically dismiss the use of such music as part of training regimen, as it would actually serve a useful function.
However, should you use such music when “gettin’ game on” before going out, or in any way analogize the act of physical exercize with preparing to “rage,” you immediately lose all exemption and are classified as scrote.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010The Mumbai Shore
The Mumbai version of Jersey Shore just doesn’t quite have the same panache, now does it?
The Rogue Pud Brother is Not Fooled
Rogue Pud Brother #2 (or is it #1?), is not fooled by Supermang’s disguise as Creepy Uncle Adrian.
The battle for HCwDB of the Week continues…
Tuesday, January 12, 2010Creepy Uncle Adrian
Take off the party hat, Adrian. Put down the douche hand gesture. Lose the Blu-Blockers.
Leave Paulina alone.
She just left Scarsdale and her dream to become a model and part-time Reiki instructor are still intact.
And I’m not saying this because I want to hump the log cabin in Vermont where her parents once stayed in 1985 in appreciation for the genetic commingling that would produce those boobies.
I’m saying it because a man of your age should not be wearing a watch that heavy. You could pull something.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010Victor Chinscruffian
Sometimes the power of hair gel and douchey chin pubes are so strong, even Librarian Hotts like Christine are pulled into its hand gesturing vortex.
Such days are to be marked with great mourning and gnashing of teeth on HCwDB.
For pouty Librarian Hotts are rare, and should not be wasted.
EDIT: For those debating Christine’s status as a Librarian Hott, more evidence.
