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Tuesday, February 9, 2010
No More Douchebaguette Lick
Friday’s Douchebaguette writes in:
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Will you please remove the posting that contains my picture and the comments that follow. The comments are incredibly hurtful, untrue and defamatory. Also, please do not disclose my identity in any further postings.
Thank you.
– S
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Look on the bright side, S. You could be dating Eye Browbot.
Monday, February 8, 2010Elmer Pudd the Poet
In case you thought the poetic rantings of Stackhouse were unique in douche culture, a reader submits Elmer Pudd’s Facebook soliloques. I title this poem, “I hate those Quiet, Salad Eating Bitches”:
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I hate those quiet,salad-eating bitches,those real quiet ones, you know.The kind of women, you take them out to dinner, you say:”Hey, what you wanna eat?” They go, “I’ll just have a salad.”And you hear their stomach going:”I don’t know why my stomach is making that noise.””Because you’re hungry, bitch.”
No such thing as a loyal man. Ladies, do not be fooled. I know some men have some strong raps and they’ll have you believing it. No loyal men. All men f*ck other women We are low by nature and have to do it. We are men. All men do it, We have to do it. We are men. It is a man thing. Men must find and conquer as much pu…ssy as they can get. Do not think for two seconds that you are the only one your man is f*cking.
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I believe this is a variation on Freud’s theory of “Wit, Salad Tossing, and the Unconscious.”
Monday, February 8, 2010The Rocker Douche
We haven’t featured a classic Rocker Douche on the site in awhile.
With hipster pink t-shirt, do not be fooled by Jim Douchison’s attempt to pretend he is not schrod. Note “flavor savor” and, of course, the wristdanna + sideways peace sign — as clear a connection to Vegas douchery as one needs to tag a ‘bag.
Hippy Goldie has a strangely robotic feel, but that would not prevent me from meekly nuzzling her belly button with only a small can of gherkin pickles and a Sherpa named Uzbeke to guide me.
Monday, February 8, 2010Creepy Dorm Guy
Creepy Dorm Guy and Amy Winehouse Hippie Chick just voted in the HCwDB of the Week.
Have you voted yet?
Monday, February 8, 2010HCwDB of the Week
Congrats to the New Orleans Saints and all that. But we got work to do people. There are schroads licking perfectly tasty hottness as we speak. They must be mocked. And by mocked, I mean categorized. And then mocked. Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Quizzical Hemorrhoid and Princess Lickmah
The Q.H. is one of those rare partybags. The type who amazingly manages to make the same stupid douche-face in every pic.
Even when popping a squat or makin’ the party pile.
His greased up Eurotaint is garbagian in its poocrappery.
Yeah, I said both “garbagian” and “poocrappery” in the same sentence.
Up yours, Merriam and Webster.
Mmmm… Euro hottness….
Princess Suckle Thigh is quality Italian-French hybridity. I blame her for the 100 years war. In my pants.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Double Flush, aka Fists of Poo
About time we get some classic Vegas douche-poo back up on the site.
Here we have two extremely sweet, high quality, hot chicks.
They’re smiling.
They desire the DB1 to gnaw on their ankles.
And for that, I would buy them each a car.
And then we have two Vegas “Fists of Poo.” Tatted up, greased up, large watch and sunglasses wearing crappogians.
But what takes this pic to Weekly status?
The Sideburns Money Clip ™. As seen on TV.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Yellow Lips and Sophomore Karen
At first, these two may seem unlikely HCwDB of the Week contestants.
Look again.
They may not be over the top hottie/douchey spectacle. But for real world Frat assholitry, Yellow Lips earns his slot in the Weekly.
Note Y.L.’s shirt print, nuclear sunglasses, chest reveal and masterful Kissy Lips.
Top it off with some crappy Busch beer, and this is a Frat party poor Sophomore Karen will be in therapy for years trying to forget.
And Sophomore Karen more than holds up her end of the real-world sexy sultry, hottness. With barely any makeup on, she’s already quality sweets.
I would gnash angrily on her childhood teddy bear, “Boo,” with my teeth until she called campus security and had me escorted off the premises.
(Dis)honorable mention to Slick James, Sticks McHead, Mopey the Beanstalk, the weirdness of Alice in Choaderland and the uber-hottness of Sun Sandra (see you at the Douchies, my dear) and The ‘Bag Face.
But three couplings may enter. Only one may (de-)ascend. Which?
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, February 7, 2010Superbowl Sunday
You know who isn’t playing in this game?
Matt Stafford.
Sunday, February 7, 2010Vanilla Ass
If David Bowie were still alive, he’d be furious.
Friday, February 5, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
This gaggle of tainted turd just cured my constipation.
It’s a rainy, chilly Friday here in Los Angeles. David Lynch hasn’t done the weather reports lately, so instead, you’ll get it from your humble narrator.
My butt heads to San Francisco on Wednesday for five days.
Five days of hipsterbag mocking and late night S.F. art hottie hitting upons. Good times will be had. Tasty chocolate Hostess Cupcakes will be consumed.
And the lamb lies down on Broadway.
Here’s your links:
Your humble narrator isn’t just on Twitter, I’m all Twitpicin now too.
One of the Miami douches we feature in season #2 of Is She Really Going Out With Him? takes to YouTube to attempt to preemptively blunt the show’s revelations that he’s a scrotewad. Keep diggin’, King Scrotecles.
He’s Just a Regular Everyday Normal Guy. His sexual performances are average.
As we always knew, the scale of the entire universe is defined by Ubiquitous Red Cup. (click PLAY then scale to find the URC).
In Oregon, they like their beavers orange.
I know we’re not there yet, but how’s about a sneak peak of some Orange Guidette Ass Pear?
Ed Hardy continues to dump steaming loads on our culture.
Christina Hendricks goes Librarian Boobie Hottie Suckle Thigh.
A little retro ‘baggery: The late, great Andy Kaufman turns into “Latka the Playboy” on Taxi.
I don’t know what Foresquare is, but it has a douche problem.
American Apparel earns permanent nottadouche status for running a global ass pear contest.
Okay. After that last link, it’s probably anti-climaxtic. But you’ve had a tough week mocking choad and hott lusting. Here you go… you’ve earned it:
Go forth. Go forth and spread the gospel of hottie/douchey mock. For life is short. And soon you’ll have a kid.
Friday, February 5, 2010Ask DB1: More Douchebaguettes?
PIC DELETED
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Hi DB1,
you posted a letter a few weeks back from someone requesting more pictures of the douchebagettes, I’d just like to second that notion.
I understand the allure of a girl with some dirt around the edges and I get that douchiness in men tends to scrub out the hott while in women it can oddly enhance it. Some of these chicks though are so skeezy that you couldn’t bleach it off them and I’d like to mock to them too.
Thanks, keep on mocking!
R
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Would a leopard print ‘baguette making the “sideways peace sign” and kissy lips while getting licked by Joey the Used Car Salesman qualify, R?
I thought so.
Friday, February 5, 2010Ashlee’s Poor Choices Continue
2009 Hottest Girl Next Door Hott finalist, Ashlee, still has a taste for the Fratchoad.
And for that, we are all complicit in culture fail.
