Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The "I was Dressing Up for a Jersey Shore Party" Excuse

Note to “ironic” Situations, Snookis and J-Woww’s the world over:

Dressing up as a douche for a Jersey Shore party is not an excuse.

You’re still a douche.

EDIT: A number of ‘bag hunters are raising legitimate counterpoints in the thread, suggesting dress-up may still be a potent form of visual mock. Although I question the “irony” in many of these cases, the counter-points are well argued. I will meditate on this. And on boobies.

The Wizard of Noz

Top Gun aviators? Check.

Ed hardy + bling? Check.

Zomborific douche-face? Check.

Dorothy, you’re not in Kansas anymore. So be careful! Toto’s an 80s rock band and the Flying Monkeys have the lip herp.

Ask DB1: Apolo Ohno, ‘Bag or Nottabag?

—–
hey boss,

— creature
—-

Performative leniency is granted to those who douche it up as part of theatrical spectacle only. Those in the WWE, or musicians like Keith Richards or Jack White, who use spectacle as part of performance.

Ohno has no such excuse. An olympian or not, that chin fung alone can lead us to one, and only one: Douche Skater.

Ask DB1: Apolo Ohno, 'Bag or Nottabag?

—–
hey boss,

— creature
—-

Performative leniency is granted to those who douche it up as part of theatrical spectacle only. Those in the WWE, or musicians like Keith Richards or Jack White, who use spectacle as part of performance.

Ohno has no such excuse. An olympian or not, that chin fung alone can lead us to one, and only one: Douche Skater.

Dimples O’Sagg

Because while Dimples O’Sagg’s all Asian Blink 182 tribute band, Asbestos Flaygon, may convince Kelly Hott to spend time in his trailer kitchen, the pants sag is inexcusable.

I just punched a narwhal in the testes then gargled a petunia.

Dimples O'Sagg

Because while Dimples O’Sagg’s all Asian Blink 182 tribute band, Asbestos Flaygon, may convince Kelly Hott to spend time in his trailer kitchen, the pants sag is inexcusable.

I just punched a narwhal in the testes then gargled a petunia.

The Table Pirate

Arrr!!! Me club is off the proverbial hook!!! Arrr!!!

Five sexy ladies and me douche on a table!!…Arrr… Yo hoes hoes!! And a bottle of Kristal!!

Arrr!!…

Yup. No idea what I’m saying today.

I blame Woo Kimmy’s second from left slatherable gnaw legs for driving my lizard brain to distraction.

Arrr…

Spunky Pooster

Spunky Pooster, his z-axis hat tilt, and his gaggle of Dixie Chicks lookalikes (plus Joe, who no one really notices anway so don’t worry if you didn’t notice him), wanted to come by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Sure it’s a national holiday today.

But that’s no excuse not to vote.

If the ‘bags are still hot groping, you should still be mocking.

Get some.

HCwDB of the Week

Your humble narrator is completing a relaxing weekend in S.F. as we gear up for the premiere of Season #2 of Is She Really Going Out With Him? today (and every weekday) at 6pm on MTV.

The tiny, bouncy, curvy S.F. hotties are pure champagne supernova. And for that, we celebrate with cilantro.

But I am not here just to pimp my show and praise the S.F. hotts. I am here to give you your weekly finalists. Because that’s what I do. Here they is:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: David Crapperfield and Rachel

Absurdist 19th Century dress-up would normally be too costume-y to fall into a true douche category.

But D.C.’s guyliner, Mr. T bling and ridic tatts are classic schlord. So he makes the cut.

And Rachel is hot, naughty, delights in pillow spankings, and hates her parents for never acknowledging her early interest in dance.

Thus, a Weekly is born.

And by born, I mean leather wrist-sleeves and an ab tumor so potent it just ate Cincinnati.

Also, Rache’s shoulder is gnaw.

Not just any gnaw.

Uber-gnaw.

I would gnaw.

Mole.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Tony Crapachino and Elle, Sue and Jen

From the Friday Haiku comes this pic of three squeaky clean tasty All-American hott burgers and one greasy side order of fries.

‘Bout time we got a little “Wild n’ Crazy Guy” retro toolery all up in this place.

The ladies are classic real-world hottness.

The kind you stutter and stammer over, then make out in the car. Then praise Vishnu and sacrifice a goat to Ganesh just for the pleasure of fondling her outer thighs.

Tony Crapachino tapdances on twaddle.

And you can quote me on that.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Marco Chinholio and Charo, aka Fake Doogie Poo

A bit overlooked when it first ran, Marco Chinholio is all that is creep-taint about global toad.

Charo is all that is curvy smirking smugness that you’d put up with in the vain hope of a brief yet primal fully-clothed hump by the bathrooms at 2:17 am.

Truthfully, M.C wouldn’t have had a shot except that I’m convinced that if you stare at that chin fung long enough, you’ll see the face of Gary Busey.

And who am I to mess with the face of Gary Busey?

Add in the cartoon penguin dog-tag, and it’s Weekly worthy indeed. (Dis)honorable mention to Billy Barue Bores Bethany, Chia Guido (with uber-hott blonde), the whiny takedownery of Monchichi and the roided up pecs of Arm Phalli.

But only three may enter. And only one toxic coupling may rise to the top (bottom).

Which of the three? Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Valentine’s Day Licks Alpaca Scrote

So here’s some boobs.