Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Breaking: John Mayer Has a David Duke Dick, It's Also a Douchebag

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PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.
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Article.

If this clown couldn’t play guitar, he’d be the semi-employed roadie for Murph and the Magic Tones, playing nightly in the Armada Room at the Holiday Inn near Decatur.

David Crapperfield

A distant cousin of Criss Angel Douche, magician David Crapperfield approves of creepy Euro-party douche dressup winning the Weekly.

And yeah, this guyliner wearing turdstain has appeared before on the site. But I’m too hung over to find it.

Mmmm… cute Rachel Hottowitz really needs to stop slumming in Europe with the goyim choads and get back to Brandeis for the spring semester.

HCwDB of the Week: The Quizzical Hemmorhoid and Princess Lickmah

douche-face. Popping a squat. Party pile. Add it up with the Eurohottery of the Princess of Poosia, and it’s a weekly winner. And yes, even finally breaking into a smile with the Baja Boyz.

The voters speak:

Em: Being European meself and thus having seen in its fullblownness the immense douchery that is currently ongoing on my side of the pond, I must go for The Q.H; if for nothing else then at least for the safety of the princess. She is ohsomuch in danger of being completely smothered with ‘bag and I will never forgive myself should any harm come to her. The pool girls may very well be lost causes and the sweetness that is Karen is obviously holding her own. But the princess! Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the princess?

boatbutter: Quizzical. No question. His Eurobagginess is accentuated by his disdain for ice cubes, hot water and quality toilet paper.

Anonymous: Quizroid by a mile, the smugness of this tanned tadpole could have been excused as a drunken one off but the plethora of evidence against him cannot be denied, FQR!

doucheywallnuts: QuizHem gets the vote. The face and the physique are pure douche with a unique enough twist to set him apart from the other no-doubt douchey, but ultimately unremarkable/non-descript competitors. And Princess Lickmah is bleeth-a-licious.

Motherscratcher: Gotta go with QH. I hate his face. Hate it. I can’t even think. His face blocks all other thought than “I need to punch that douche in the face repeatedly.” And hold your camera staight asshole. Christ.

Scooby Douche: Hemmoroid FTW. He has that “je ne sais quoi” that distinguishes all larger-than-life douchbags, that belief that they are God’s gift to humanity in general, and tasty hotts in particular. And all that shit on his wrist is so stupid. Princess Lickmah is miles and miles of smooth, delicious skin. Close inspection also indicates some ample boobies as well. What sublime rainy day memories we could make, given a few hours, some chocolate syrup and a banjo.

Wedgie: Quiz Roid. ‘Cause he’s too sexy for your party. Too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan.

dbBen: By winning the weekly, it increases the possibility of us one day hearing: “Help me db1, you’re my only hope.” Uttered in an endless loop by Lickmah’s hologram. My only request is that I can be your wookie friend and gently nuzzle and purr against Princess Lickmah’s discarded stilletos.

Mr. Choad’s Wild Ride: QH is an easy weekly. That his entire wardrobe consists of tanktops should be a clue that he deserves it. The hipster bling is present. What is it that really puts him over the top? Ace Ventura Hair. His drinking-beer-through a-purple-straw hott is also the best of the bunch this week. He’s tanned, greasy and making a stupid kissy face. For this, QH FTW.

The Reverend Doom: Q.H. as he kicks kittens and punches puppies in addition to looking like a complete ass with his pucker lips. Princess Lickmah is smokin and should be carried my fortress of solitude…

Anonymous: Fists or QH? Could be the most difficult choice yet on HCWDB. Fists are empty the pool for sanitation purposes gross but QH…he needs to be punched in the face, hard, right now. QH for the win

ImageWrangler: Rhoid Rhoid, All null and void, He’s wiggin’ he’s wiggin’

ehcuodouche: Ima give QH the nod this week. He has all the douche signifiers, but they’ve been tweaked for Europeal. The Ed Hardy shirt is replaced by a quasi-Hardy design with the scooped front showing off his bizarre, hairless, burn-victim chest. The dog tags are replaced with some sort of double-pendant thing. The huge watch/wristdana is now some sort of beaded gypsy wristdana thing. The blowout is replaced with a Europoof. The hott is replaced with a hott I’d give free English lessons to in exchange for sharing the double-bed in my studio apartment.

Mr. White: Quizzical Hemorrhoid takes it. He clearly practiced that face in the mirror to achieve that consistency. He PRACTICED, people.

Vander (Bro Nye the Science Guy): Even though fists of poo is horrendous, My vote is with, and always will be QH. QH is enough to make my blood boil, then I look at Princess Lickmah and my blood freezes. She is stop dead in your tracks insta-boner hott. She is my princess, and eventually will be my queen.

Well said team, it’s about time we’ve had a true Euro-DJ Party Couple make the Weekly. But the Double Flush of Vegas toiletry also found support:

The Blessed Scrotini: The Double Flush FTW. I find them extra douche despite the lack of extra douchal signifiers that others such as QH displays. I can just imagine how douchey they would be with these extras and it easily puts them above QH in every way if they had them…

Hong Kong Douchey: Fists FTW. They are the reason that the Morning After Pill was invented.

Douchesquire: Double flush ftw, as not even a triple Lindy flush of epic proportions could get that crap down the drain. They fill me with ire.

Anonymous: It HAS to be Fists of Poo. They look like ‘Kid and Play’ got raped by Christian Audigier

…and you will know us by the trail of the douche: Wonderdouche Twins AKA The Double Twins AKA Fists of Poo have obviously activated their un-magincal douche powers and those powers are unmatched in douchetude.

Yet poor Yellowlips and Sophomore Karen, coming in a distant third. Regular party douchery was no match for Vegas and Euro uberpoo. However lets let just a douchalo take us home:

Using the Socratic Method, that is, asking oneself the question: “given the opportunity, which one of these would you run over first?” Hands down it would be QH. However, if I hadn’t wrecked the front end of the Nova hopping up the curb to plow down the ‘roid, I’d roll over the Fists and Yellowlips, in that order.

Well done JaD, and to all ‘bag hunters who took the time to vote. That’s how we do things up here in HCwDB. No simple “vote” button. You gotta justify the tag. And that’s how it should be. Quizroid and Lickmah for the Monthly, and me for sugar cereal.

Billy Barue Bores Bethany

I can’t imagine how. I’m sure the ole’ Billy Barue has something to talk about other than date rapes and AIDS jokes.

Crap.

I’m mixing up my 80s film references again.

Monchichi the Club Monkey

EDIT: Pic altered as per Monchichi’s request to protect Monchichi’s identity.
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Ladies?

You are curvy, well tanned, have nice teeth, clean Prell smelling shampoo hair, and therefore I lick your toesies like a feral aardvark.

I thank you for smiling, and I hump your childhood Teddy Bears.

Monchichi?

It’s not that creepy soul patch. It’s those eyes. Your dead, E-Blo, Shark eyes. They task my soul.

Fake Doggie Poo

You know, I couldn’t find my socks this morning.

I mean, I can’t find my socks most mornings. I only really have three pairs. And two are usually too fungally to reuse.

But this morning, after I finished my ritual scratching of the groin, I was stumbling around trying to find my socks. I tripped over my Colecovision and nearly slipped on a pile of cardboard thingies from the backs of Twinkie packages. They smelled delightful.

Then I accidentally knocked over a plate of Trader Joes Joe-Joe cookies, almost cracking my original vintage Buzzcocks framed poster. Not wanting to do that, and now twirling like Buster Keaton, I stepped back, slipping on my Tron laserdisc and crashed into my dresser, knocking over three still half-filled bottles of Mad Dog left over from the previous night’s festivities of awkward female groping.

I fell on the floor. I could now see under my bed.

There it was. My fake doggie poo. One of the first novelty items my parents had bought me in the early 1980s.

I sniffed it. It smelled like old rubber.

Hence, Like a Virgin.

Yup. I’m on a major sugar rush.

Bosnian John Cusack

Bosnian John Cusack says: Lovely Hungarian Ladies! You spend time with me, I buy you big car!

E-Blo’s Soul Hides From Within

Site legend, 2009 HCwDB of the Year candidate and Hall of Scrote enshrinee, E-Blo is back.

His follicles may spike. His tatts may multiple.

But his zombie stare will never waver.

Not when hitting on Dorm Girl Raven.

And not when posin’ with his bros.

E-Blo's Soul Hides From Within

Site legend, 2009 HCwDB of the Year candidate and Hall of Scrote enshrinee, E-Blo is back.

His follicles may spike. His tatts may multiple.

But his zombie stare will never waver.

Not when hitting on Dorm Girl Raven.

And not when posin’ with his bros.

P.T. Bagnum

There’s a tonguer born every minute.