Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

How to Seduce Women: The Push-Pull Technique

Remember kids, “consistently tease her while giving her compliments.” Works every time!

Euro Crud at a Florida Old Folks Home

Note to Euro Douches:

There is one, and only one, instance in which the low cut pec-reveal shirt is acceptable. And it is pictured here.

Otherwise, unless you’re chasing down terrorists for kidnapping your daughter, button it up, greasyfreak.

Belinda, you make the duckface and my soul dies a tiny bit.

But since Grampa Al forgives you, I will too.

The 2010 Tax on Orangeness

One thing we can all agree on about the new healthcare bill:

The Orange Tan Tax is a nice blow to douchal narcissism.

Between this and last month’s pollution penalty levied on the makers of Axe Bodyspray, the first serious pushback on douchal product has kicked into overdrive. And not a moment too soon.

Now if only we could tax douchey-ass frosted tip spikey hair.

Your Hipsterbag Saturday

Dave just got back from South by Southwest, and, as he wrote on his blog, Ice cream I Scream, it was “almost Burning Man rad.”

Shelly has the dancing doe eyes of eternal haunting.

And so I slap a penguin in honor of her thighs.

Friday Thoughts and Link

As we approach the four year birthday of HCwDB (on Tuesday!), I can’t help but be both elated as well as Hostess cupcake enhanced pensive. Hall of Scrote legend King Douchuous IV’s hair spike (pictured here) has transformed from mockable irritant to a strange form of safety and reassurance to me.

Our war on cultural douche plague and attempts to wake up the boobie hottie from her mistakes has gone far and wide.

We’ve made an impact, that’s for sure.

But scrotewankery continues to mutate. The mega-corps who rely on selling unnecessary and overpriced name-brand products require perpetual sexual insecurity and eternal chase of the self to exist to sell their wares.

So it goes that the fight must continue. And the DB1 must stop drinking so much.

Since my excellent list of links are frozen somewhere inside the server rebuild going on this weekend, I have one, and only one Friday Link for you.

But is a soothing healing transformative dream link indeed:

Woodland Nymph Pear.

Follow her braless visage as we once again head into the internets breach and hope and pray we come out on the other side of 2.0 glories.

Scroterometry 20:12

As is written in The Book of the ‘Bag:

‘Ere, tho, when ‘Bag Meets Bleeth, and both are perfectly calibrated in scrotal harmony, so shall the disco ball rise.

Indeed it shall, Tommy and Holly. Indeed it shall.

Mike Toolkowsky

Mike Toolkowsky may be starting work at his dad’s lumber yard next year after getting his GED. Where a forty year career of monotony and coffee breaks, a dumpy wife, and occasional tickets to see the Sooners play, awaits his eventual broken spirit.

But for now, Mike Toolkowsky will party. And he will party hard.

Meanwhile, one of the Jenkins sisters is hotter than the others. This has created great friction in the lives of Kelly, Kendra and Kaylie. But who are we kidding. Kaylie wins.

Friday Haiku

Site in hazy state,
Like ridic arm fung tattoo,
Blonde on right heals all.

Posing in Vegas
fountain will not wash away
poor life decisions.

— Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Chad’s orange short shorts
Draw attention away from
His necrotic arm

— End the Haberdouchery

Matt Damon and three
Gays, Will not deflect my glaze
From Uma’s donut.

— Anthony LaBaglia

Green algae stick to
Douche Left’s Arm. I understand
They clean up oil slicks.

– Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

subconscious: “nice racks!”
multicolored funbags, yeah!
pool needs more chlorine.

— Bag A

Since it’s apparent
They’re not here to be baptised,
Just drown them instead.

— scrotum pole

Ouch, my eyeballs burn
Someone please drop a toaster
In this evil bath

— Justin

Scroterometry 20:12

As is written in The Book of the ‘Bag:

‘Ere, tho, when ‘Bag Meets Bleeth, and both are perfectly calibrated in scrotal harmony, so shall the disco ball rise.

Indeed it shall, Tommy and Holly. Indeed it shall.

Mike Toolkowsky

Mike Toolkowsky may be starting work at his dad’s lumber yard next year after getting his GED. Where a forty year career of monotony and coffee breaks, a dumpy wife, and occasional tickets to see the Sooners play, awaits his eventual broken spirit.

But for now, Mike Toolkowsky will party. And he will party hard.

Meanwhile, one of the Jenkins sisters is hotter than the others. This has created great friction in the lives of Kelly, Kendra and Kaylie. But who are we kidding. Kaylie wins.