Ask DB1: "Daddy what's a douche?"
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Dear DB1,
On the way to school yesterday morning, a song comes on the radio with the title of something like “I am in Love with a Douche.”
My 7 year old daughter asks me, “Daddy, what is a douche?”
And I stared into space, not knowing what to do.
I mumbled something about “a douche is a very vain man his into really into the way he looks” and then head faked her with a package of Ho-Ho’s. Can you please provide some parenting advice? Usually I would say honesty is the best policy, but can innocence not be spared?
Signed,
Daddy Douche
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Children, especially young girls, must be introduced to douche mocking at a very early age. This should not be hard, as usually by the third or fourth grade, uberbags have begun to assert their nascent assholic masculinity on the playground.
Teach the young ones well. Do not couch the truth. Guide her well, and she will mock for a lifetime.
Hell dude I thought the Ho-Hos were the best parenting choice. Ima have to remember that move…
When I was a wee Gorgon, we simply called them “bad boys”. Now, however, the culture of Bad Boy has evolved into varying strains, each with its unique peril. There is the Columbine Bad Boy, obsesses with D&D and will eventually kill everyone at school. There is the Rocker bad boy, who will never have a job, sleep on your sofa, and always be too stoned to form a band. There is the Execu-Bad Boy, who wears smart suits, drives a nice car, your parents will love him, and he will beat you with a belt in a martini-fueled rage weekly. I could go on and on, but Douche is yet one more strain of Bad Boy to beware of, and most young girls can’t see past the preening and peacocking to recognize the insidious, infected soul beneath. The bling and display distracts from their toxic personalities, their lack of intelligence, foresight or courtesy. Be honest, Daddy Douche. If you don’t tell her, who will? I think one day I’ll write a book for such occasions, with nice illustrations, so daddies and daughters can sit down over it and have a candid talk about what future assholes are going to use their sweet little bodies and throw them away. The final chapter of the book will be all about firearms.
^ what’s with the weird random tags in there? I didn’t do that.
A month or so ago, as I was about to take a pic of my 8 year old son and 7 year old daughter, up came the sideways peace signs from both. I put down the camera, took them both on my knee, an explained very carefully that making gestures like that was unacceptable, and was reserved for people we make fun of, as they are idiots. After a good long talk, the issue was dead, I have taken inumerable pics since, with nary a faux gang sign to be seen. Whew.
Fast forward two weeks, we are at Friendly’s, and in comes a gang of idiots with the 3d hat tilts and Ed hardy garb. I pointed out the scrotes to my son, who agreed that they looked like complete idiots, and asked “are they the same kind of people that to the hand signs for Pictures?” Indeed grasshopper, indeed. The light went on, and a young bag hunter was born.
It is never too early to instill upon our children a disdain for the douche, or a love in the mock. In the words of some crappy 60’s band, “Teach your children well.”
Now go set then younguns straight.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c83f0adaf8/sunny-delight-you-got-a-bad-mom
New Kids Take A Lot of Cocck?
Ok. From now on there is no such thing as a Bad Hair Day.
And can someone please explain to me how to get my picture back up? I miss my rat with the bat.
Unfortunately you can’t tell your daughter to stay away from them, because thats a sure fire way to bleeth them out. But whenever you see a douche, you should point and laugh with your daughter, and hopefully she’ll copy your behavior into early adulthood.
A series of children’s book should be published. I have a short list of ideas all rearing to go (of course):
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– The Bearing Taint Stain Bears
– The Princess and the Peen
– The Phantom Troll Pooeth
– Why Euro-Trash Techno Buzzes in People’s Ears
– Tom’s Midnight Groinshave
– The Tale of Peter Rabbit’s 10 Degree Hat Tilt
– Hucklebare-chested Finn
– Charlotte’s Web of Lies and Self-Loathing
– Where the Side Swagger Ends
– One Douche Two Douche Orange Poolius Crimson Ted
Don Mclain was inspired by the state of society around hiim when he wrote “American Pie” back in the day. I like to think if he took a good look at the state of the young adult male today, he might write something a little like this.
Cheeseburgers and Fries
.
A long long time ago
I was once a member
Of a kick ass gang what ruled the coast
And I knew if my moves were tight
That I’d get pussy every night
If you was there you’d know that ain’t no boast
Filling crème pies made me quiver
With each load that I’d deliver
But gray hairs down where I pee
Turned boners into mem’ries
Then my whole world came crashing down
When all the bleeth up and left town
I was the king without a crown
The day the douchebag died
.
So now I cook cheese burgers and fries
Drove my parents to disown me I’m the one they despise
And my old bro-heims they got the AIDS and they died
For a dollar more you can super-size
For a dollar you can up-size
.
Yeah I wrote the Book of Scrote
My cockk shoved down each and every throat
Of the jump offs and the ho’s
Now do you waste time at glory holes?
Do hormones make your muscles swole?
Easy bud you have to talk real Slooooooow.
Well, I should have known she was a him
But her tits were big and her waist was slim
We both did a coke line
Man, she looked good from behind
It was a long night and I needed to f*ck
When she dropped her thong I saw the tuck
That I knew I would have to suck
The day the douchebag died
It tastes like chicken
.
I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
I could work at the call center but this dude don’t wear ties
And this fast food joint hires anyone who applies
In five years I’ll have my own franchise
One day I’ll have my own franchise
.
Now, for two months I been on my own
And fat grows thick ‘round this shriveled bone
But that ain’t how I used to be
We rocked the clubs in the Bronx and Queens
In Affliction shirts and bedazzled jeans
Learned my tribal tat sez “Pork and Beans”
Everywhere there was pussy to pound
DJ Bello played his funky sound
Our shaved groins we revealed
No crushed abs were concealed
And while Bello danced in the parking lot
We all got blowjobs from some hott
And snuffed our brains on shitty pot
The day the douchebag died
Is something burning?
.
I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
Lost my girlfriend to my buddy now I date a plus-size
And her saggy tits stifle the sound of my cries
F*ckin onions put these tears in my eyes
Onions put these tears in my eyes
.
Tight turd cutter filled with baby butter
The thought still makes my engine sputter
But good things never seem to last
Like all my broheims I obsess
On getting hotties to undress
With my hat tilt, and wristdana I impress
Now her low cut dress flashed fake balloons
I had to get my hands on soon
She took a downward glance
There was no swell in my pants
I tried to say it was the coke
That in time she’d get a nasty poke
My sex life had become a joke
The day the douchebag died
My break is over
.
I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
For McDonalds from today until the day that I die
And my coworkers they all call me thunder thighs
Right now Star Wars is the Happy Meal prize
Can I have your Happy Meal prize?
.
Oh, some say we were a total waste
A generation filling space
A life style you can’t defend
So f*ck off I ain’t humble, I’m a slut
I’d even pee in a horse’s butt
‘Cuz hot tubs are a DockSock’s fav’rite friend
But when I read that “Hot Chicks” page
I banged my cell phone keys with rage
You can all go to hell
Who cares if I can’t spel
As the posts piled high on that hatter site
To fight the spreading Grieco blite
I heard Medusa cackling with delight
The day the douchebag died
My girlfriend’s pregnant
.
I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
I could be a steel cage fighter wrestling with other guys
With my awesome moves and tat that says “Fight or Die”
This’ll be the year that I try
This’ll be the year I might try
.
I met a dude who just said “Groooo?”
And I asked him why we smelled like poo
But he just put on more Axe spray
I went down to the Jersey Shore
Where I’d rocked the shocker years before
And saw orange skin and Ed Hardy on display
For in the clubs the Guidos raged
E-Blo stared, and Donkey Douche aged
‘Cuz did I fail to mention?
Playaz pay no attention
And the three bro’s in the tanning bed
Fish Slap, Smoot, and Crimson Ted
Just ignored old Scrotato Head
The day the douchebag died
I need a ride home
.
I, I cook cheese burgers and fries
I’m so fake so superficial I just can’t realize
That the life I’ve lived was just a series of lies
Would you like a hot apple pie?
Nothing beats a hot apple pie
We were singing
.
We, we cook cheese burgers and fries
Drove our parents to disown us we’re the ones they despise
And our old bro-heims they got the AIDS and they died
For just a dollar more you can up-size
For a dollar more you can up-size
@ Scrotato
I’m about done for now. Epic.
– The Very Horny Caterpillar
– The Rats of DIM
– The Mouse and the Tricked Out Scion tC
– The Jizz in the Chest Pillows
– The Louse at Poo Corner
– Vainglorious George
– Where the Wild Herpes Are
– Journey to the Center of Hard Rock Cafe
– The Three Musky Taints
– A Wrinkle in Scrote
Honey, boys have cooties. Douchie boys have green worms crawling out of their butt, bird’s nests where their brains should be and they hate hate hate dolls and anyone that plays with them, As a matter of fact Douches have tried to get toy companies to never make dolls again
The newest boy-band, N*to men.
.
Eh… I’ll keep trying.
Holy Jeebus, Scrotato! You & Vin Douchal should hook up, Hall & Oates-style. You know, like Brooks & Dunn. Simon & Garfunkel. Captain and Tennille.
The Broken Trojans
@scrotato head
nice new lyrics, i would copyright it
@DB1
in my state of drunkeness yesterday,my sweet almost 8 year old Lily Suzanna walked home from school in tears. she kicked a douche in the nads for the first time and was feeling very blue for her violence and the shiner the douche gave her. I gave her a brownie, steel toed shoes, tasty cola, and a new attitude. canadian douches beware. and there fathers be terrified.
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, auctiioned off her wedding hat for her marriage to the Prince of Wales to benefit her fave charity, “Ask Me No Questions, I’ll Tell You No Lies” gay rave group; who split it up into several headdress concoctions to wear to their annual “Scratch My Charity Balls.”
@ Mr S Head
Hilarity. There were quite a few spit takes in there. Luckily I turned my head.
Since my head was turned I figured I’d poke my balls and cough……nope, I’m fine …
Oh wow. There’s a young girl trapped in all that alien creep. There’s that Newt visual again.
@ Scrotao,
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Well done.
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@Medusa,
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Sign me up for a copy of the book. I think one of my illegitimate children is a girl.
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@Bag Margera
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Excellent point.
They must see the mock. Mock right in front of them. Encourage them to copy you, engage in the mock along with you. The mocking is good. It teaches them right, correct behavior. And, if they start early enough and mock the baglings at an early enough stage, the baglings might be saved! Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the point at which peer pressure no longer can have a positive influence, doesn’t really set in until after puberty.
how cute, they’re like douchebags only smaller. its time to shoot the moon
Stranger danger, please get out the mace
Don’t let that douche touch your special place
The sooner she mocks, the sooner she’ll see
That douchebags and scrotenuts aren’t like you or me
‘Nsuck
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The Bumrush Boys
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Cream Street
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Alter Boyz
what katie douched.
And people ask why I don’t have kids…
Was Scrotato’s post funny? I’m tired and reading’s hard.
The hair in this bagling pic is truly spectacular.
I dub them DragonballZon Chin.
one of these days i’d like to ask Ass Pear la Plante “where do babies come from?”
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in Spanish of course.
Why, just tell your daughter that douche is French for shower.
wow a sale on toilet brushes today!
I like this post. I appreciate your hard work .Keep it up