Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Hipsterbag Hugo Hits on Sonia
Here’s the thing, Hipsterbag Hugo. We don’t buy it. You are not hip. And you are only vaguely ster.
You may think the retro hat and ‘stache hide the fact that you’re festering douchewater.
They do not.
Pokey chin pubes, lame arm tatts, bling and the low cut d-neck t-shirt all place you firmly in the extended genus of Douchbagus Jerzus. You cannot hide from epistemological deconstruction simply because you profess a love for Burning Man swag.
Sonia deserves better. By which I mean me, dressed as an arthritic quaker, massaging her feral hamsters to techno.
He looks as though he walked in to this local Urban Outfitters, pointed at the window mannequin, and said, “I want to be that guy.”
And that’s no cooler or more dignified than doing the same at… where the fuck it is that these other variety of douches buy all their stupid shit.
*wherever
This dude’s ’87 IROC Camaro has a glove box full o’ ludes.
And because of her unfortunate fondness for said pills, Sonia has a lovebox full o’ dudes.
Who really wants to look like a hipster Seth Green? Apparently this guy. I would take the last 20 returns I did and smash his face with them. Then read him this year’s tax guide just to make sure he’s dead.
Hugo has that smug look that says, “Yeah, I can keester a 40 oz”
His jaw looks as though it was recently removed and replaced with the bucket from a front loader tractor.
Opie, you’re breaking Andy’s heart.
Lennie was the first to get the new scented underarm tattoo by Glade.
Sonia got a similar one that you can’t see, in scratch-n-sniff.
That tatt says “Splooge Co.” because he likes spooge. On his leetle moostache.
Reggie’s first day as apprentice fluffer went smoothly until he was caught eating on the job.
Hugo forgot to wipe the shit gravy from his upper lip after he sneezed.
Is it just me, or are we seeing an unprecedented wave of hipsterbags as of late? I can only assume that this is in response to Republic and other clubs instituting a ban on Jerz Guid apparel. Like any respectable virus, the contagion must adapt to survive in a hostle environment. Hipster may be the new Trojan Horse in which douche storms the gates. Let’s hope we have enough collective pee to fill that horse up and drown the occupants.
I really hate these bags. They are far worse than those jersey scrotes.
Kind of a douche, but I really dig what he does in the band, Cake.
With this look Hipsterbag Hugo will do more damage than Hurricane Hugo…
Isn’t he supposed to be running Robot Chicken?!
Oh wait, I’m thinking of his kid.
Ugh…faces like that, I just want to smack. The skidmarks in my toilet look better.
Sonia’s sad puppy dog look, shows her desire for me to rescue her from Hugo the anemic douche.
So sad, to see Opie fall so far.
Hugo just told Sonia he scored a backstage pass to the Impotent Scrote Monkees concert at Club Noir.
I drove to the club in an $80,000 BMW. Hipsterbag Hugo, how’d you get here…a fixed gear bicycle with Sonia sitting on the handlebars?
^ if that’s the case, I prefer his ride
so this is why southern hipsterbags are worse than urban hipsterbags…
Nothing says hott lure like Ted Knight’s grandpa hat from “Caddyshack” and a recreation of the affects of Agent Orange on foliage…I mean a mustache.
A withering enemic sprout of a douche, highly unlikely to ascend in the douche firmaments to any noteworthy status.