Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Hipsterbag Hugo Hits on Sonia

Here’s the thing, Hipsterbag Hugo.  We don’t buy it.  You are not hip.  And you are only vaguely ster.

You may think the retro hat and ‘stache hide the fact that you’re festering douchewater.

They do not.

Pokey chin pubes, lame arm tatts, bling and the low cut d-neck t-shirt all place you firmly in the extended genus of Douchbagus Jerzus.  You cannot hide from epistemological deconstruction simply because you profess a love for Burning Man swag.

Sonia deserves better.  By which I mean me, dressed as an arthritic quaker, massaging her feral hamsters to techno.

Bratislava’s Finest

When Nietandia and her mother, Vashjevinkia, first came to the United States, they had great hopes and dreams of a land of promise, hope and wonderful opportunity. After a brief career as a seamstress for government, Vashjevinkia hoped to give her daughter chance to make good in new land.



Then they met Jake.

Bratislava's Finest

When Nietandia and her mother, Vashjevinkia, first came to the United States, they had great hopes and dreams of a land of promise, hope and wonderful opportunity. After a brief career as a seamstress for government, Vashjevinkia hoped to give her daughter chance to make good in new land.

Then they met Jake.

HCwDB of the Week: Joey Lipps and Tina

In a tight corset of a vote, the power of Tina Boobs and Joey Lipps’s boobery just barely beat out Chief Douches-With-Techno and the uberhott Sally for the win. The ‘taggers speak:

saulgoode42: Joey Lipps and Tina, no doubt. If Joey tried any harder to suck off his own nose his face would crinkle in on itself like puckered arse to which alum has been gernerously applied; conversely, if Tina’s ravishing bust were bursting any more from its tiny confines, I’d be forced to beat myself to death with my own sense of despair.

bagnonymous: Joey Lipps & Tina, because her the size of her globes knows no bounds. And because Joey’s lips look like a swollen rectum. We all know where those beads around his neck are going to end up…

Soy Bomb: Joey Lipps scores several scrote points in his pic. The ‘bag gesture, the greezzy face and the absurd, absolutely absurd facial expression that makes me want to chunder out my nose. F*ck you Joey. You may win the douche weekly, but you lose at life. Tina provides the necessary boobie traits to complete the pud pairing.

Douchelips: I have to go with Joey Lipps and Tina FTW! Tina has those 1800’s boobies popping out of her delicately laced up bodice. And Joey, well he’s sporting my favorite douche gesture!

Douches Wild: Joey and Tina rule- Joey is clearly a sub-standard jackinapes who will recede into lumpen pudhood as soon as he graduates from taxidermy school- Tina’s bustier will be enshrined by legions of groveling post pubescent tools, including me.

Ed Hardouche: I gotta vote for Joey Lipps and Tina. The ratio of Douchebagedness to Hott is by far the most extreme here. I would like to see Tina pour honey on his lips and then shove his face in to a bee hive just to see if his “Jaggers” swell up anymore. You are right Deltus, he has worked for this moment of glory.

G: Have to go with Joey Lipps, with Chief Dances in Pinkshirt a very close second.

beer geek: It’s gotta be Joey & Tina. Yeah, Willy’s douche alright but Joey’s got him beat. And the Chief? I’m sorry he’s not douchey; he’s just sad.

douchble helix: Gazoobies comes from a Letters To Penthouse Forum column, circa late 1970s. A guy working on a pearl necklace was between his gal’s gazoobies, when he slipped and and it slipped into her nose.

Fat, Drunk and Douchey: Joey Lipps and Tina FTW(L). Her munchable mounds of mammary goodness make me want to motorboat her for days on end. His douchey face makes me want to introduce him to the business end of a 75-hp Johnson outboard.

justadouchalo: Joey Lipps and Tina for the win. I’d like to shove a rusty piece of rebar in his pouty cakehole, and Tina’s bustier is hothothot.

uscrascal: ‘Joey Lipps and Tina’ for sure… you can’t deny the hottie/douche contrast that is so evidently manifest… just look at those fun bags, and then right at his face… complete scroatankerous juxtapositioning right there.

Mr. White: Joey Lipps and Tina. She is boobular lusciousness. He is the guy who lives above me and, through negligence, allowed water to pour down from his un-grouted bathtub into my bathroom.

Well done team, and props for registering in the new WordPress server so I’se can get this voting going all up in this place. But I digress. The Chief of Scrote and the uberhott paid-to-pose Sally also found strong support:

Jason: Chief Dances in Pinkshirt….He brings a uniqueness to the douchebag world..the native indian communities will be doing nightly chants to wash away what they have seen.

Medusa Oblongata: Let it go, Chief. You had your moment. Your shaved moobs and the bags under your eyes aren’t going away because you wish them so. She’s not going to fuck you because you bought her a drink. Be content to your lot in life, find a nice, horny MILF who’s just left her old man and is looking for a hatefuck. Sally’s not for you, and the smug look on her face tells me she kows it, and she’s laughing at you. But you’re trying anyway. And by trying I mean manscaping, pink-shirted ridiculousness. And the weekly.

Scroberto Baggio: I vote for The Chief, those dead eyes would make even Cecil Rhodes feel colonial guilt.

Snoop Douchey Bagg: I think I have to go with Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt-with-matching-panties since a) their photo seems to have been taken in a pizza parlor, b) he is obviously too old for her, and c) who the hell has their picture taken in a pizza parlor? Answer: A Bag of the Week, that’s who.

Baleen: Hail to the chief. The Native Americans deserve some consolation here. If his ancestors saw that pink v-neck, they would probably scalp him, cut off his dick, and feed it to the wolves. With the mighty E-Blo “I’m dead” stare, marks-of-the-bag, and man tits, well it all makes my poo runny and chafe laden. She is Hott and tasty, like Pilsbury crecent rolls dipped in melted butter.

clam fist: The Chief ftw. The Indians are responsible for much of the douche fads. Just look at Joey Lipps bead necklace for proof. Need more. Mohawk sporting Indians inspired the fauxhawk. Guyliner was preceded by face paint. There isn’t any accessories that are too far out there for native Americans. His ancestors are wondering why the Chief only has a pink shirt.

Excellent point, clam fist. I will meditate on the cooption not just of African American, but also Native American signifiers as part of douche culture. And coming in a solid but distant third place, the shmucky Willy and real world Sharlene:

dbBen: That one hits a little too close to home. Sometimes it seems the spectacle is contained to the likes of the interwebs, the TV, or the occasional choadwank at some party. But we’ve all had a history class with Sharlene, and we’ve all been pissed at Willy. Willy is the douchebag next door.

Dicy: Willy and Sharlene FTW(L). Willy looks pretty stupid, even if he is a physicist. In my time spent as an Astrophysicist in training, I know that nerd qualities do not always make up for the douche factor. And Sharlene is very pretty, yes very pretty indeed.

Douche Springsteen: I’m going with Willy & Sharlene. My first reaction was to vote for Joey Lipps, but while he is just making a stupid face, Willy puts forth the extra effort to douche it up with a sideways hat tilt, mandana and stupid sunglasses. I wish I had something more clever to say but I spent the weekend pouring malt liquor down my gullet and gorging myself on sugar coated marshmallow confections.

Troy Tempest: But what makes Willy the true loser of the week, is his inner personal dialogue which resembles a stanky mix of gangsta rap, incoherent mumblings and Vogon poetry.

I’m pleased to see real word Willy get some mock and real world Sharlene some love. But lets turn it over to Deltus to take us home:

Gotta go with Joey Lipps and Tina. Of all the hotts, she’s the one I’d most like to snog. Of all the dbags, he’s the one I’d most like to smack in the face with a heavy, blunt object. He’s working for it too, with the kissylips and dumb hand signs. Oh, and did I mention: BOOBIES!

Yeah, Joey and Tina FTW.

Well said, Deltus. And for those who feel Mr. Lipps is not a douchey enough Weekly winner, I urge thee to look again. Let us never become inured to the lamitude of classic Jerz pudwhack. It is always mockworthy.

Excellent work all around in our first vote on the new site. Lipps and Tina for the Monthly, and the DB1 for more early morning alcohol.

Mohawk Guy Plays With His Goose

It is not your peepee, Hawkman. Stop playing with it.

And I see you too, bashful Maura Tierney brunette with your bloody mary and your minimal sexual partner history.

Your career as a pastry chef at the Radisson is very promising. So I support your need to let loose tonight. But if you makeout with Hawkman, I’m gonna delete all the Grey’s Anatomy off your TiVo.

And then what will you do when eating ice-cream at 11pm?

Bigeye Joe Says “Pow Pow!”

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Joe’s only a stage-1 ‘bag. Nothing too threatening. Just jovially annoying.



But Sophie’s coy and demure look speaks of something else.


Promise.



The hope of angels and sunsets and tiny bunny rabbits and passionate humping in the office supplies closet.

Bigeye Joe Says "Pow Pow!"

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Joe’s only a stage-1 ‘bag. Nothing too threatening. Just jovially annoying.

But Sophie’s coy and demure look speaks of something else.

Promise.

The hope of angels and sunsets and tiny bunny rabbits and passionate humping in the office supplies closet.

The Squid Brothers

Bennie and Bernie Squid, like, totally rule Miami Beach, bro.

And so long as Aunt Minnie keeps writin’ them checks, they’se gonna keep rulin’ Miami Beach.

So step off.

Kelsey, on the left, knows that her modeling career may have only amounted to a “guest starring” role in Cinemax’s epic original tale of love and lust in the rural south, Vixens of Ft. Worth (next airing, Tuesday, 2:30am). But today, the Squid Brothers are buyin’, and so she’s lettin’ the Appletinis flow.

And bringin’ Phoebe and Linda along for the ride.

Dr. Rosentongue

I don’t have much to say to Dr. Rosentongue, except that I, too, feel a strange kinship with Vitaly Klitchko.

What I do want to say is that Maureen is greased up angelic boobie sunflower perfection of suckle thigh dream boat leg hump.

I would tai-bo naked through a field of thumb tacks and angry scorpions just for the chance to apologize for my inability to fact check her great uncle’s long unpublished manuscript about a magical fruitfly named “Tito.” Because it was written in 1958. In Esperanto.

And then I would lie uponst her ankle and bite playfully.

And then more aggressively.

And then playfully again after she said, “Ouch.”

But it was the “ouch” that I take into my feverdreams later that night.

Ask DB1: Defining Doucheosity

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DB1,

— ICEMAN

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When he’s this toxic a swill, wearing that creepy Christian rosary bead pud-necklace, and he’s cuddling with a bouncy Vegas gnawhottie like Melanie, then doucheosity has been achieved.

Even Brothabag Isaac Hayes, a clear scrotal vortex in his own right, finds this pudwack amusing.