Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Swifferhead Contemplates a Life Change

I’m gonna take down that Broseph pic on account of a lack of hott. We gotta have some standards around here, even if I get the chance to make my always enjoyable Andrew Lloyd Webber references.

Instead, here’s HCwDB legend Swifferhead . The Swiff has spent many a lonely night chasing the hott gnawables through clubs, hoping to attract them with the power of hair spike.

But, deep down, he just wants a hug.

Which is why Swifferhead is considering giving up this shallow lifestyle in search of more meaningful pursuits. Like teaching scuba diving in Tampa. Where his cousin has a place he can totally crash at.

Sal the Spring Break Hipsterdouche Voted

Hipsterbag Sal and his Bleethy ‘Baguette, Jerz Jenny, wanted to take a break from Spring Break partying to drop by and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

Welcome to the first official HCwDB of the Week in the new format! Make it a good one, be sure to vote, and let me know if you’re seeing any formatting problems as we test out the new frame.

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt and Sally

Chief Dances-in-Pinkshirt brings historical trauma and neo-colonialist isolation in the purest Franz Fanon sense to his douchey-ass look.

In what misguided world does this guy look like this?

And in what tragic globalist circulation of meaning does Sally, a suckle thigh that gnaw-worthy, end up in his presence?

Oh sure, you assume Paid-to-Pose. But do not be so sure. The Chief suggests shady global networking funds and poppin’ bottles to celebrate.

Sally brings the gnaw. The Chief brings pink-shirt douche and creepy face, but little else. no tatts, bling or annoying hand gesture ‘tude.

Will it be enough to win the Weekly?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Joey Lipps and Tina

Joey Lipps harkons back to classic HCwDB buffoonery.

Tina has the real world “best friend of your sister who likes to party and may be an alcoholic” vibe.

And who are we kidding, it’s women like that that motivated men to want to build the pyramids, the space shuttle, and the invention of wireless telegraphy.

Joey Lipps is classic fratpuddian wank. He deserves to be flushed. And then mocked. And then flushed some more by his raging frat brothers who just got matching tattoos of the Nike logo on their forearm. Because “Just do it” isn’t a slogan to sell overpriced shoes made by children in Indonesia. It’s a lifestyle choice.

Yeah, the DB1 is feeling testy on this Monday.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Willy and Sharlene

Noted particle physicists and academics Willy and Charlene didn’t get the hottie/douchey love, and by love I mean spitt-take, I thought they deserved when they first appeared.

Is Willy a toxic pud?

Not at all.

He’s unthreatening. Clueless. A potential Nerdbag, even. Odds he plays Network Halo on most weekdays? 84%. Over/Under on hours spent per day at various gaming consoles? 7.

But Willy is also an uberdouche. The signs are all there. They cannot be denied, and must be mocked.

Sharlene is sweet real-world gnaw-thigh. She deserves light pooching uponst the buttocks. Which I would perform as my civic duty, and with no expectations of reciprocity.

And lets not forget their second appearance together in When Frat Parties Go Wrong.

A worthy entry in the Weekly.

Just missing the cut were Guyliner Jack (too “pro”), Frankie the Greasehead and Your Saturday Hipsterbag, who will likely be seen at the 2010 Douchie Awards in the newest category, Most Annoying Hipsterbag.

But them’s your three. And only one coupling may win/lose.

Which of these three hottie/douchey couples is toxic enough to win the Weekly?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

“No Way”

If you run the lyrics through the Douche-to-English translator, they read:



I bring shame to my ancestors,
I’m the cause of grease fires at fast food restaurants,
Why does my peepee burn?
Noooo wayyyyyy

"No Way"

If you run the lyrics through the Douche-to-English translator, they read:

I bring shame to my ancestors,

Noooo wayyyyyy

Where’s Waldhipsterbag?

Somewhere in this lineup of five top quality buttgrabby teethsinkery and teddy bear fondle peach pumpkin hottsicles, I’ve carefully hidden a Waldouche Hipsterbag.



Look closely.



Can you find his ironic hipster sunglasses?

Where's Waldhipsterbag?

Somewhere in this lineup of five top quality buttgrabby teethsinkery and teddy bear fondle peach pumpkin hottsicles, I’ve carefully hidden a Waldouche Hipsterbag.

Look closely.

Can you find his ironic hipster sunglasses?

Ask DB1: Why the $#@s and *@#s?

—-
Deebs1,

– Marco Vesputin
—-

The explanation is a silly one, M.V. HCwDB has been fighting a long, losing battle with large corporate work I.T. filters that refuse their employees the enlightenment that comes with practicing the Zen art of Hottie/Douchey mock.

Apparently HCwDB has been determined to be “non work related” in nature.

You’d think boobie lusting wasn’t the reason why most men go to work in the first place. And douchebaggery the reason most women hate their jobs.

HCwDB 2.0 is live!!

If you bookmarked this site, and/or are coming here through a link, the original HCwDB URL is active again, so head on over there for the latest hottie/douchey mock:

Hot Chicks with Douchebags

This site is dead, but will remain up as an archive of the old site. However the new updates are over there, so head on over.

Friday Thoughts and Links

It’s sunny and 74 degrees in Los Angeles, as your narrator gives you the weather report with a nod of homage to the great David Lynch.

The Margarita sisters are drinking out of RareAss Clear Cup, while meatheads Vin and Sal pose like scrotal rocks.

My obsession with Hostess Fruit Pies continues since the local bodegas began stocking them above the Ring Dings.

I nosh on some chemical fruit. And I laugh at silly watches on douchescrotes.

Life is good.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB legend Joey Porsche arrested?

Hot Chocolate Bunnies with Douche Chocolate Bunnies.

Speaking of greatest things, how about the greatest closing title sequence of the 80s . Weller + Goldblum = win, even if one of Bonzai’s crew is a proto-douche.

For there is only one collar pop that gets a nottadouche, and it is Buckaroo Bonzai. Rockstar Leniency Rule exemplified.

What Would Jesus Douche?

Giant Isopods feast. Or, as they call it in Jersey, “All You Can Eat.”

Hot Chicks with Smurfbags

You know you want it. You know you’ve earned it.

So who am I to deny you your reward for another week of douche mocking?

Double Surf Pear.

Not enough? Okay, one more.

Hourglasspear. I want to teethe upon ’tis cheek.