Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

Yup.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

Some week we mock the ‘bags. And some weeks, the ‘bags mock us. And some weeks, even the hotties are douchey. And we all start drinking.

Here’s your Friday Links:

Where do you find Douchebag? Between bitch and ho.

Large Chicks with John Mayerbag.

Some days I like to contemplate the great Kantian shift in understanding subjectivity and the limitations of human consciousness. Other times I like to contemplate Kitty Boob.

Tanning beds might be addictive. In an unrelated story, so are tasty gummi bears.

Kumar gets mugged on the way to White Castle.

Ladies and gentlemen, Timmy Gaga. From the Disney iconography to the overweight confusion of overstimulated childhood, all that is wrong with America encapsulated in one YouTube clip.

Terminal Lance, a military inspired comic strip, mocks the doucheyness of Ed Hardy. Semper Fi, good Sirs!

In Denmark, there’s a bar shaped like a rectum. Where you go to get wrecked, um. I apologize for that last joke.

Band vs. Promoter. A story of life, love and the indie music scene. Totally epic.

Great video games Hall of Fame: 1987’s Police Quest. Where Helen Hots lived fast and died young.

Okay, enough of the random links that helps me relive childhood innocence (and I’m referring, of course, to the rectum bar). Here’s what you’ve been waiting for.

Here’s what you’ve earned.

Oil Pear.

Begin “change of fluid” jokes… now.

Go forth. Go forth and celebrate. Another day of living. Another day of life. And another day of pear.

The Gospel of Bro

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the pool party of Gesthemane at the Hard Rock, render onto Caesars Palace what is Caesar’s Palace, and render onto the Blonde what is genetic. And be sure to slip the host a Benjamin.”

— The Gospel of Bro, 4:20

Sparky Looks Hard

One of the surest signs of a douchebag is the gangsta glare.

Here we find Sparky, surrounded on all sides by partying Kappa Kappa Woo girls, and he’s pulling his best Clubber Lang.

Give it up Sparkster. “Frosted Tips” do not a gangsta make.

As to Brenda on the left, please don’t mind if I fondle your rhesus monkey. And by fondle your rhesus monkey, I mean fondle your rhesus monkey. No, it’s not a metaphor. C’mere, Mr. Bubbles.

Friday Haiku

Iowa Staters

Get deluxe hotel package

With Pineapple cups

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Butterface stripper

and Brad make kissy face while

Paul chows down on crabs.

— Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Paying by the hour

For both the room and the hott

Cheap love at light speed

— Bagnonymous

SEC staffers,

Bored with internet porn, hook

Up with Fannie Mae

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Star of Bleethlehem

Shines through the window in back

On manger of Douche.

— Boatbutter

pink lycra wrapped herp

blinded by list, Dave cares not

Steve makes a barf face

— Douche Springsteen

At the Motel 6,

they’ll keep the light on for ya.

I prefer it off.

— Wheezer

Dave and Mitch Hatch a Plan

Dave: Bro, you know what would be rad?

Mitch: What’s that, Broheim?

Dave: If we, like, totally wore the same shirt, only, like, you wear it in black, and I wear it in white!

Mitch: Bro! We’d be like negatives of each other!

Dave: Totally. And maybe then Jenna will pose for that pic for your Facebook so the ladies will know that you only roll with the A-List Hotties!

Mitch: Bro. Totally. That’s what I’ve been telling you! You gotta think outside the box, bro. And then all that mad puss will be yours.

Dave: I know, right? Hey, don’t forget to make that rocker face for the pic! You look like such a badass when you do that.

Mitch: Totally. Jenna wants me.

Dave: You can totally tell.

Crayon Gary

Crayon Gary so crazy!! He wears baby toys… around his neck!!

And if there’s one thing his chest tattoo tells us, it’s this: Time for Tubby bye bye! Time for Tubby bye bye!

Oh Simona.

How I would lightly anoint your bottom with fig extract and mosquito resin. And then read to you early Saul Bellow by candlelight, while charming you with ancedotes about my time in the merchant marines. And then humping your warm pillow when you get up to pee.

Flex Luthor and Jennifer Gear up for Monday

With their toxic cohabitation of beefy orange guido and sexy coquettish blonde, Flex Luthor and Jennifer, are gearing up for Monday’s HCwDB of the Week.

First appearing on the site in Power Flex Mode, Luthor’s diabolical plot for World Domination involves Creatine, power bars, and watching MMA matches at “Bob’s Watering Hole” off I-85.

Definitely the early favorites. But as Jed the Creepy Wankscrote showed, never underestimate the power of Creeper Douche to take down classic Jerz Pud.

New England Crab Chowder

Sure, Kevin and Sean O’Scrotey would get their ass kicked in Kenmore for sporting the double douche look while harassing Kevin’s sisters best friend, Morgan.

But what Kevin and Sean O’Scrotey don’t realize yet is that what happens in Vegas, stays on Facebook.

And Morgan’s brothahs, Jimmy and Johnny Riley (heirs to the Allston Riley’s Roast Beef fortune), are waiting with baseball bats by Soldier’s Field Road for payback.

HCwDB on MTV

For those who haven’t had a chance to check out the only official HCwDB show, with your humble narrator the creator and exec producer, MTV’s “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” is running two mini-marathons today, one on MTV and one on MTV2:

9:00 AM ET/PT on MTV

9:30 AM ET/PT on MTV

10:00 AM ET/PT on MTV

10:30 AM ET/PT on MTV

11:00 AM ET/PT on MTV

11:30 AM ET/PT on MTV

8:00 PM ET/PT on MTV2

8:30 PM ET/PT on MTV2

9:00 PM ET/PT on MTV2

9:30 PM ET/PT on MTV2

Help support the show so your humble narrator, the DB1, can get a Season #3.

That way I don’t have to get a real job. And can upgrade from Night Train to that classy Boone’s Farm stuff.

There will be many new pretender shows coming out in the future that will try to capture (aka rip off) the HCwDB style. But this is your true home for hottie/douchey mock.

Melanie and the Suckerfish

The editors at Harper Collins can’t figure out why their latest children’s book, Melanie and the Suckerfish, hasn’t caught on with the kids yet.