Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

Another solid week of ‘bag taunting and female gender form admiring, props to all for the great and hilarious ‘bag hunter and huntress comments in the threads.

Your ambiguously alcoholic narrator finds himself pedantic and lugubrious on this sunny Angeles Friday. Although I’m not quite sure what pedantic nor lugubrious means. Which might explain only get a 600 verbal on the SATs. Stupid SATs. If Laurie Glatzer hadn’t sat in front of me showing 3/4″ ass crack, I would’ve gotten at least a 620.

I await and away with baited respiration and expectant lasciviousness for a season 3 pickup for my TV show. But wait, I must. For the powers that be consider and consider.

So I muse on what mathematician Fermat once described as “The Holy Boobie Curve Ratio:” The perfect ratio between texture, bounce, firmness and distance to belly button. Or, as Fermat theorized: 3.1415gnaw.

That’s all the math you really need to know to explain how the Egyptians built the pyramids.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB parking lot frolicker and hat tilt extraordinaire, the douchey Bobby Batz is still out there. Still ritalin enhanced. And don’t forget Bobby’s Shoutout to all the Haters out there.

Dolphin Beach Tan has the perfect logo for irony even Alanis Morisette could understand.

Speaking of douchey tanning: Sunblast Mobile Tanning. For when you’re too lazy to even get up off your ass and seek out a choady glow, the douchexperts come to you.

The Tralfamadorians, with their crazy alien language, love HCwDB. At least as far as I can tell.

Bert Blyleven would like another take.

Okay. You’ve been waiting for it. Today we go with abstract expeartionism.

The Peartagon.

What? Not enough?

Okay, have some Cityscape Pear.

Go forth und mock die douchen. So sayeth your narrator in his best German accent.

Joey Invents Twitter Glasses

Sunglasses that scroll your latest Twitter post on them? Genius!

So the robot turns into a bug!

Yeah, I got nothin’.

It’s Friday.

But Kendra’s lithe and supple firmaments do make me want to lead hiking expeditions in search of dubloons in the Scottish highlands to finance a winery, to learn Latin and Sanskrit so that I can train myself in the recitation of the verses of ancient poetry,and then spank her supple thighs with a leather prong while reciting the lyrics to Prince’s “Darling Nikki.”

Hannah and the Double Frostys

While I was busy building a shrine out of Albanian driftwood and sun burnt Tsitsi clay to worship Hannah’s kneecaps, Hannah seems to have wandered off and found herself in a double Frosty metro trainwreck.

Do I have an unhealthy fixation on ambiguously Semitic pixie eastern European blue eyed doe brunettes?

Why, yes. Yes I do. And I blame the Mila Kunis.

Friday Haiku

Spikey Blowout Ken,

Hark! Too many beans.

Allergy season:

Claritin and Goose don’t mix;

danger for poor bleeths.

– Wheezer

Fungus from Ken’s head

Simone recoils in horror

From leaping head lice

– Vin Douchal

Ken mugs Bleeth Susie

while releasing Ass Kraken

to destroy Simone.

– Mr. White

The toothy eels in

Kim’s nostrils are making plans

to eat douche and bleeth.

– Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Axe sun tan lotion

Blatant, culture erosion

Implant explosion

– Anonymous

Ditzy young white girl,

Succumbs to sudden seizure

Just like Fred Sanford.

– scrotum pole

Oh poor sweet Simone.

Safer to stand behind horse.

Wisely shields boobies.

-Amerigo Vesdouchey

Drugs from left to right:

Cocaine, good marijuana

And lemon ball-sack

— saulgoode42

Kurt and Jen signal

“Two if by Pee”. Drunken Bleeth

should find a raincoat.

– Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Reader Mail: My Stupid Website Can Kiss His Ass

Reader Rod writes in with another thrust:

—-

i see you published my last email duchebag. nice. just proves i was right n ur a total jeoulous bitch. thats what i thought. u and your stupid website can chew my ass! kindly take your funny jokes, haha, and blow me.

Rod

—-

Well, since pics of hot chicks with douchebags are not your cup of tea, Rod, perhaps I can interest you in a pic of moobs and a lion?

Donkey Douche says, “Not So Fast, Xenu!”

Wait… Whats this?!



It’s the Donk!!



Yes, HCwDB legend and 2009 Lifetime Douchechievement Winner Donkey Douche heard that Xenu and Joey Porsche were coming by to prove their bonafides, and the Donk said, “Oh hell no!!! I can top those douchebags.”



Well, what he actually said was, “Grunnnghhhhh. Me like tacos.” But I extrapolated the rest.



Here’s the Donkster bringing another HCwDB legend of taint, 2007’s Chandlerbag, three (!) Ubiquitous Red Cups and the sweet, innocent drinkability of Julianne and her innovative boobal cell phone storage system. That’s one power-packed HCwDB pic, people.



That’s why the Donk is Hall of Scrote legend. There are many douches in this world. Few, who can bring a consistency of arm grease like the Donkster.

Donkey Douche says, "Not So Fast, Xenu!"

Wait… Whats this?!

It’s the Donk!!

Yes, HCwDB legend and 2009 Lifetime Douchechievement Winner Donkey Douche heard that Xenu and Joey Porsche were coming by to prove their bonafides, and the Donk said, “Oh hell no!!! I can top those douchebags.”

Well, what he actually said was, “Grunnnghhhhh. Me like tacos.” But I extrapolated the rest.

Here’s the Donkster bringing another HCwDB legend of taint, 2007’s Chandlerbag, three (!) Ubiquitous Red Cups and the sweet, innocent drinkability of Julianne and her innovative boobal cell phone storage system. That’s one power-packed HCwDB pic, people.

That’s why the Donk is Hall of Scrote legend. There are many douches in this world. Few, who can bring a consistency of arm grease like the Donkster.

No More “Skippy Gets Lucky”

First, Kelsey writes in:



—-

hey there a pic of me and a friend is on your site and I would like it removed please. Its funny but it could get me in trouble with my career. I also think its kind of weird u have a picture of me but whatever. Its the one of “skippy gets lucky” posted on april 13th

—-




So far so good. But then “Skippy” writes in:



—-

serious. skippy gets lucky take that down you do not own rights to that picture.

—-

Serious? Serious.



EDIT: The original image with this post was just a tad too disturbing to leave up on account of creepy Douchebaguette, but if you’d like to fry your eyeballs, check it out here.

No More "Skippy Gets Lucky"

First, Kelsey writes in:

—-

hey there a pic of me and a friend is on your site and I would like it removed please. Its funny but it could get me in trouble with my career. I also think its kind of weird u have a picture of me but whatever. Its the one of “skippy gets lucky” posted on april 13th

—-

So far so good. But then “Skippy” writes in:

—-

serious. skippy gets lucky take that down you do not own rights to that picture.

—-

Serious? Serious.

EDIT: The original image with this post was just a tad too disturbing to leave up on account of creepy Douchebaguette, but if you’d like to fry your eyeballs, check it out here.

Xenu: Lord of Scrotentology

Often, ‘bag hunters will email me and ask me about our hallowed Hall of Scrote legends.

“Surely these people can’t maintain their intensity of scrotological burn as they chase hotties?” they ask me. “Don’t Hall of Scrote legends burn out?”

Were that it were so, imaginary conversation person.

Earlier this week we checked in with Joey Porsche, just as douchey as ever. Today, it’s Hall of Scrote legend Xenu. Classing it up with the barely legal hotties by puttin’ on a matching tie and coat.

You go with your formal self, Xenu, Warlord of Scrotentology. Your people look up to you from their clarity tests and know you are level-8 poo.

And I see each of you, powdered bottom girls from Dusseldorf. You knew not what Americans were like until you visited on your summer exchange program. And now you curse Western hegemony. But it’s too late.