Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Starblazer Says "Not So Fast, Shark!"

The Starblazer and his hottie Astra, say, “We’ll see you in the next Weekly, Sharkboy!”

The gauntlet has been thrown.

And by gauntlet, I mean ridiculously dainty wristdanna.

EDIT: Starblazer and Astra also wanted you to know that there’s an “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” marathon on MTV today from 3-6pm. Checkitout!

The Shark Begrudgingly Nods his Mo’ at Lint Diesel

“You’ve proven your pudwackery in service of hott chasing, Lint Diesel. But I will bring assorted quality hotts, and ridiculous douche-head to the next Weekly. So be warned. For I am human walking herp sore.”

The gel-head crown does not rest easy. There are challengers around every club corner.

The Shark Begrudgingly Nods his Mo' at Lint Diesel

“You’ve proven your pudwackery in service of hott chasing, Lint Diesel. But I will bring assorted quality hotts, and ridiculous douche-head to the next Weekly. So be warned. For I am human walking herp sore.”

The gel-head crown does not rest easy. There are challengers around every club corner.

HCwDB of the Month: Lint Diesel and Curvy Carrie

Just barely edging by the power of Oldbag Bernie Schwartz, the Lint took the prize in one of the toughest and most evenly matched Monthlys in awhile.

The voters speak:

Mr. White: I’m going with Lint Diesel. She’s saying, “Who’s going to pee in my butt?” and Lint is ignoring her to lick his own nipples. ‘Nuff said.

The Baggernaut: Lint Diesel… for wanting to lick his own cod piece despite the insane HOTT before him. A disgusting display of UBER choadism and worthy of the monthly and an auto-in for the yearly if you ask me.

Snoop Douchey Douche: Lint. You gotta give extra points for originality. You keep calling yourself “dawg” enough, how is licking yourself that far behind? Sad but sincere prediction: Ed Hardy “dawg collars.” They’re not just for your pit bull mix anymore, yo.

Architeuthis Dux: Lint is about to look even more like a fool with his pants on the ground. Give it to him. And by it, I mean both the monthly and a shock collar for Dobermans with which I can unleash nonlethal but potentially crippling doses of electricity.

Legedouche: Lint Diesel, by way of Curvy Carrie. Because if it shaves like a douche, and tongues like a douche, it’s probably a douche.

Merle Baggard: Lint. He’s hoping that if he licks himself he’ll taste like a creamsycle, but reality will be more like bacon grease.

dbBen: Lint Diesel. These guys have a million reasons that they’re not douchebags or that the db life is acceptable. I only need one reason to tattoo a scarlet DB below your navel, and that reason is GSR.

Douchesquire: Lint Diesel and Curvy Carrie FTW. After a weekend trip to the city of brotherly scrote, and having my eyes burned by the sight of so many classic Guido-douches, I am in a full on rage regarding douches of that ilk.

Amerigo Vesdouchey: Lint shows obvious signs of severe narcissism; not uncommon amongst the ‘bags, but his is an especially nauseating case. Note the unbuttoned pants GSR and attempt to fellate himself. And curvie, buxom Carrie is in just the kind of state I like: intoxicated and ready to make some poor decisions. Unfortunately she found herself next to the likes of Lint. Favreau is so not money and doesn’t even know it.

Fyodor Dostedouchesky: Lint FTW. He’s got an inebriated, feral hott and most importantly he is classic club douche.

Whoop-di-douche: LINT, Carrie and Pimpin’ Jon. cuz I SAY SO!! She’s so damn hott, hurricanes use her for refueling their storm surges.

End the Haberdouchery: Lint Diesel FTW. Simultaneously taking off your shirt and pants for a party photo makes you about as classy as Christian Audigier’s tiger, skull, and rose covered bidet. Carrie is delicious, although clearly encourages ass-hattery.

Et Tu Douche: I have to go with Lint Diesel & Curvie Carrie for the win. He encapsulates the whole DB spectrum from the 2 earrings in one lobe, to the GSR, unbuckled pants, chest reveal and most importantly his narcissistic behavior in the presence of such a curvy boozy Hott.

doucheywallnuts: Lint Diesel FTW. Breaking out a new douchebag move – the “Self Lick” – is reason enough to give Lint my vote, but Lint also brings some classic douche cred to the table in the form of the hair, clothes, groin shave, bleeth and jewelery. Lint also offers the underrated – or even ignored – douche accessory, “the non-douche loser side kick.”

Good call, doucheyw., that’s two innovations worth noting. The power of orange groin shave reveal and a curvy boozy bar wench, plus the bonus of drunk Jon Favreau, was too toxic to defeat, and a well deserved slot in the yearly. Coming in a close second, Bernie Schwartz and Kendra:

The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Old Bernie has earned his spot in the monthly by breaking his covenant with the god of Abraham and consuming all the smoked porch beef in New Jersey. As I type on a beautiful Memorial Day, Ezekial weeps and sweet Moses in heaven is breaking his tablets again while l enjoy a banquet of Manechivitz and potato knishes. Bernie is pure poo anf the fourth horseman of the douchepocalypse.

Baleen: gotta go with Bernie the Oldbag because even though his nutsack is hanging low these days, it takes some special cojones to rock the spooge-proof Members Only hazmat jacket and mandanna when your pushing fifty. Juxtapose this with Kendra’s girl-next-door smile, scent of Noxema, and bubbley handwriting, and you’ve got yourself a monthly

mr.reeve: I vote for Bernie the 80sbag. Bernie’s white mandana, white break dancing zipper filled jacket, bad facial hair, gangsta signs and orange skin are just too strong for me to ignore. Plus Kendra is all natural hottness. American Pie hottness and Bernie is pure American Club Scene Douche

Chris in ‘Baghdad: I am sure many will say that Old Bernie cannot run with the young ‘bags, but Kendra is sunshine and apple pie with a bit of Hustler Magazine hiding just underneath. And Bernie is what Samurai Scrote will look like at age 44.

justadouchalo: In the name of equal opportunity, Old Bag Bernie gets the win for answering the question, “What would Bob Dylan look like if he gained 100 pounds and dressed like douche bag?”

Bernie looks like a leading contender for a 2010 Douchie Award, and Kendra is drinkable Hott Tea with lemon. Coming in a solid third, but perhaps losing due to Cameltoe Fatigue (the desire to never see it again is quite reasonable), Night Oranger’s power chord:

Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche: I must go with the Night Oranger and Chrissie. The others bring bile to the throat, but the fact that they chose their outfits to coordinate with the club’s (biggest club in Tallahassee!!!) lighting puts them over the edge for me.

Bagnonymous said: sister Chrissie has been growing on me like an infectious, boner-inducing fungus. Meanwhile, the Night Oranger has caused a burning sensation when I pee–and it looks like Tang®, too.

uscrascal: you really can’t beat the eccentricity of the Night Oranger. spray tan, wax chest, package hugging white pants, and jerry curl… what a combo!! definitely, FTW!!

my friends call me @$$hole: Night Oranger cause if i gotta’ see a picture of his cameltoe and not hers i’ma’ be pist, we gotta’ keep an eye on these two till we get to the REAL pics of Chrissie no matter how much it may hurt…

Mr. Biggs: Night Oranger. Fresh young adventurous hott trapped in a young pile of pure taint … it is a coupling like this which is the cause of all the other couplings you see below. If the young hotts didn’t fall for douchebags like NO, there would be no men constantly pumping iron at the gym in the hopes of getting the hott.

Paul Muad’douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach: Orange Ranger has a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the tradition of American douchebaggery. He has a dream that one day, America will live by a new credo, one of groin shaving and mandanas for all. Orange Ranger has a dream that one day, in the pool at the Mandalay Bay, the children of Ed Hardy-wearing meatheads and the children of patchouli-reeking stonerbags will be able to sit down at the bar of brotherhood, and slip roofies to girls in the same batchelorette party. Orange Ranger has a dream that one day his children will live in a country that judges them not by what color of orange their skin is, but by the content of their male camel toe.

The Ranger will definitely be up for “Orangest Orange” in 2010. And in a solid fourth place, the classic Jerz Guid of Flex Luthor:

Big Tony Ventresca: I vote for #4, Jennifer and Flex Luthor, because he’s wearing eye shadow, which automatically catapults him into the lead in my book.

woj: He has passed years of time in in the ego inflating environment of the “gym” picking up on ‘cougs, spotting other bro-bags for squats, and harassing poor innocent girls like Jen (look how she mocks him to her friends). his douche attitude is literally ingrained in every ounce of muscle on his body. there is no hope. He is greater than the others.

Anthony LaBaglia: being short and Italian, orange-red in color, flexing muscles at an inappropriate time/place, hanging out in an establishment with a thousand fucking t.v.s, some kind of studs sewn into the aforementioned gay shirt, camo indoors at night, dick-sucking lip expression… Phlex FTW.

Düsseldouche: i can´t believe jennifer and flex are losing that badly, they are definitely my choice.. jenn´s right arm is alright with me, while flex´s right arm, well, does not look alright. although i´m more worried about his bursting head (or is detonating head the right word? me not from us and a, sorry…)

Classic Jerz Douche these days just don’t carry what Bourdieu describes as “Cultural Douche Capital,” in the wake of televisual Jersey mock. This month, it’s the Lint’s time to lick into the Yearly. Lets let ehcuodouche take us home:

Gonna have to go with Lint in the monthly. The rest of the candidates give their picture a center of focus. Flex gets you to look at his guns, Bernie has the fantastic pairing of leather jacket and face. Night Oranger has the Cyndi Lauper theme music. But in Lint’s picture I don’t know what to look at. “Whoa, groin shave reveal.” “Look at the cans on that bimbo.” “What is wrong with that dudes’ face?” “Is he licking his own tit?” “How does she fit into that dress?” “No seriously does that guy have any teeth?” “She’s totally gonna get date raped.” “Ugh, and the pants are already unbuttoned.” So, Lint, for destroying all possibility of coherent photographic composition with his douchiness.

And there it is. Great work to all who voted, and while you didn’t hear it from me, my show just got picked up for a third season! So lets celebrate with tasty HoHos. And we’ll see Lint, Carrie and Douchey Jon Favreau at the Yearly in December.

Celebrity HCwDB of the Month: Emmy Rossum and Adam Something Or Other

Twenty four year old actress hottie Emmy Rossum is the latest prime celebuhott to be mug fondled by aging, portly talent-lacking rocker hipster douchus, the not really famous non-icon of the Clinton years, Adam Duritz.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Who’s Adam Duritz?

Yes. The answer to the question Who’s Adam Duritz is “Yes.” For the question is its own answer, as the Daoist Monks have tried to teach us.

Back before 9/11, America was lazy and bored, and listened to blankly generic slacker crap by bands like “Hootie and the Blowfish” and “Counting Crows.”

Adam Duritz may or may not have been involved in one of these bands.

And while it’s true that the man’s run through quality Hollywood hottsicles in the 90s was legendary, so was his serious commitment to rank clownbaggery.

No “Rockstar Leniency Rule” at work here. The man is mockworthy uber-choad. And Rossum is semitic librarian hottness.

Notes From the Front

Your humble narrator is still in New York. On a reconnaissance mission. Wandering the streets like Paul Hackett trying to find Marcy to acquire that plaster of paris bagel and cream cheese paperweight.

Being this close to the Axis of Weevils (New Jersey, Long Island, Staten Island) means I can closer track the latest permutations of the Grieco Virus.

The Jerz Guid has definitely become more muted. But the signs are still there.

Irony and comedy have become incorporated into the performative peacocking meant to dazzle the hottie, but the markers are otherwise the same.

No more collar pop and much less Jesus Bling, but Ed Hardy, hair spike and hat tilt continue.

We must be ever vigilant. The war on ‘bag is not remotely over.

Star Blazer

My god… It’s full of choad….

Europeans, Teenagers and Shoe Polish

Some days I just should’ve stayed in bed.

Or punched a kitten in the nadsack as existential retribution for the God that isn’t.

Either one.

Manuel’s Chin Fung Ruins My Morning

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.

I had my morning cup of iced Gaelic Coffee, which I drink out of a polished bronze boot I once stole off a French dock worker.

I went out back by the reflecting pools, sheared the shetlands, and donated the hides to a young Maori returning from walkabout.

Then I walked through the poppy fields down to the lodge, where I changed the filtration system in the humidor to move the azaleas to the lunar cycle.

Yup. All in all, a good morning.

And then I saw Manuel’s Chin Fung. And the five Vegas Trampy Hotts infiltrated by its alien-like tendrils.

And the whole morning just seemed like so much wasted piffle.

Manuel's Chin Fung Ruins My Morning

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.

I had my morning cup of iced Gaelic Coffee, which I drink out of a polished bronze boot I once stole off a French dock worker.

I went out back by the reflecting pools, sheared the shetlands, and donated the hides to a young Maori returning from walkabout.

Then I walked through the poppy fields down to the lodge, where I changed the filtration system in the humidor to move the azaleas to the lunar cycle.

Yup. All in all, a good morning.

And then I saw Manuel’s Chin Fung. And the five Vegas Trampy Hotts infiltrated by its alien-like tendrils.

And the whole morning just seemed like so much wasted piffle.