Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

Another solid week of ‘bag mocking and hott lusting on the site, and thanks to all who checked out my appearance on the Adam Carolla podcast. I should do more of those things.

This Friday finds your humble narrator vaguely confused, overstuffed on New York pizza, and wandering the lower east side like a confused Coney Island whitefish.

It’s not official yet, but it looks like my show might be getting another season, so I’m happy and festive and looking forward to future douche mocking in a variety of vertically integrated media formats.

But until then, we mock on on HCwDB.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB in the News: There’s a shout-out to HCwDB on page 9 of this month’s Harper’s Magazine in the article on Sarah Palin (subscriber link only).

The Tecktonik Kid. I can’t tell if he’s a future douche or kind of awesome.

There are Woo Hotties, there are State School Woo Hotties, and then there are Arizona State School Woo Hotties.

Reader DooShnozzle catches ‘bag ads during a Florida baseball game.

And speaking of baseball tags, longtime HCwDB ‘bag hunter MC 900 Foot Douchebag goes to a Yankee game, tags an uber Jerzey Guid. And again.

The inventor of the Chipwich, perhaps the most important invention of the 20th Century other than the Flowbee, has died.

Welcome Back Kotter’s Carvelli was all kinds of awesome. Even if a bit retro-douchey. I’ll have to meditate on this contradiction.

Speaking of proto-douches: Hefty Smurf.

If she wanted Donkey Douche’s name tattooed on her arm, she should’ve been prepared for the PAIN. (warning: annoying female tattoo freakout sounds in that clip)

When the sum total of all of the advancements of 20th and 21st Century technological innovation are tallied, there will be only one justification above all else: The ability for people all over the world to watch Deer Versus Fat Guy.

Okay. I know why you’re here. You want your payoff for another week of quality mock. Well, you’ve earned it. Here ya go:

Car Pear

Not enough?

Okay. Have some fur pear too.

Because I care about you. Now go. Drink. Be merry. Mock a choad. And fondle a thigh.

Daft Punk

“But baby, don’t think of it as a stalkery shirt! Think of it like a mirror made out of cotton.”

Full Metal Bodyspray

Now that’s what I call storming the beaches of Nora and Mandy.

Friday Haiku

Rave just gets started:

Axe, poo stench soon permeate

Stack’s parents’ rec room

— Wheezer

Basement in Belfast

Contains a halloween whore

And Depeche Commode

— Anthony LaBaglia

hair flows, open shirt

high hip leg hole panty pose

sees only douche naval

— Claude Douchenburg

Not quite “heroin

chick.” It’s more like meth and Red

Bull diarrhea.

— Sergeant Scrote Stain

Long haired posing Brit

Wants Parliament; asks for “fag”

Douche calls for rent boy

— Horace Dangleballs

Those thighs haven’t seen

sunlight in years. Donkey jizz

has high SPF.

— Bagnonymous

Chad the douche savant

Has never lost a game of

minesweeper. Not one.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Lindsay is a skank.

Chain smoking baseball bat legs.

The herp is strong here.

-Amerigo Vesdouchey

A Thursday Night Dose of Hot Chick

Okay, after that Milfy Boozehound, we need a shot of wholesome hott purity on the site.

Vinny is only a minor league choad, but Margarita is a pure drinkable hott shot. Sweet and with sexy accent. I’d subscribe to her magazine, and then slap myself with a slice of pimento loaf.

The Milfy Boozehound and the Shirtless Uberchoad

Stackhouse’s magnum gropus kinda took the buzz out of the rest of today’s posts.

But here’s a pretty disturbing blend of milfy boozehound and shirtless uberchoad, neither of whom deserve more distinctive names than that.

Whatever happened to No Shirt, No Shoes, No Dice?

If Spicolli had to put on a shirt back in the day, then where did we as a society go off the rails?

Eugene Throws Game

It’s near impossible to follow up the words of douchal wisdom spoken by our 2010 poet laureate of scrotewankery, so here’s a pic of Eugene throwing some “special ed” game at Kat.

Tragically, note Kat’s Ed Hardy t-shirt.

She is Bleeth with Broccoli. And I’m ashamed for making that pun.

Stackhouse the Poet’s “I Cam With a Left Handed Jew”

You asked for it. You got it. The ‘bag hunters have spoken.

HCwDB is proud to present the latest poem from outsider artist and mega doucheclown Stackhouse the Poet, entitled “I Cam With a Left Handed Jew”:

—-
Some skank I use to date tried me in court cause I dumped her. She alleged I beat her ass. She came with a public defender, I cam with a left handed Jew, who mopped the floor With her. It was pretty bad, she ruined my 3rd graduation and much more, but seeing her be made a full of in court was priceless. U don’t bring a knife to a gun fight, and u sure as sh*t don’t bring a public defender against 1 of the top lawyers in America 10 years running Enjoy paying for the court reporter 4 the 5 hour trial u went on. A book of lies always falls like a sh*tty garbage bag.
—-

—-
Back 2crushin vag sets & pounding booze, “I got public defenders free,the “Im broke, please defend me womans refugee camp” trying to ask me how much I drink a day. Well, odds R more than u, I make more than 40k a year, so I can reward my self on a much higher merit than u ever can. But I gotta give props 2 ur bootleg degree &bank roll, total boss sh*t. Im out, Im free from false accusations, Get Some
—-

—-
Making $, still being represented on websites, doing work on my days off. That should tell u something, when I win in court or break a bitch off it makes headlines. When most who try ur man do the same, no friends, no family, not sh*t comes out in recognition 4 u. Just doin famous ass, good looking me, my FB page retails at 100k with 1500 friends. Add that up and see what man ur playing tricks with. On my page a lot aparently. Its not how many u have its the traffic the produce. I’m making Zburg f*cking stacks and he knows it. I’ve been told, that’s all I’m saying Get Some
—-

Get Some, indeed, young douche poet of a generation. Get some, indeed.

Stackhouse the Poet's "I Cam With a Left Handed Jew"

You asked for it. You got it. The ‘bag hunters have spoken.

HCwDB is proud to present the latest poem from outsider artist and mega doucheclown Stackhouse the Poet, entitled “I Cam With a Left Handed Jew”:

—-

Some skank I use to date tried me in court cause I dumped her. She alleged I beat her ass. She came with a public defender, I cam with a left handed Jew, who mopped the floor With her. It was pretty bad, she ruined my 3rd graduation and much more, but seeing her be made a full of in court was priceless. U don’t bring a knife to a gun fight, and u sure as sh*t don’t bring a public defender against 1 of the top lawyers in America 10 years running Enjoy paying for the court reporter 4 the 5 hour trial u went on. A book of lies always falls like a sh*tty garbage bag.

—-

—-

Back 2crushin vag sets & pounding booze, “I got public defenders free,the “Im broke, please defend me womans refugee camp” trying to ask me how much I drink a day. Well, odds R more than u, I make more than 40k a year, so I can reward my self on a much higher merit than u ever can. But I gotta give props 2 ur bootleg degree &bank roll, total boss sh*t. Im out, Im free from false accusations, Get Some

—-

—-

Making $, still being represented on websites, doing work on my days off. That should tell u something, when I win in court or break a bitch off it makes headlines. When most who try ur man do the same, no friends, no family, not sh*t comes out in recognition 4 u. Just doin famous ass, good looking me, my FB page retails at 100k with 1500 friends. Add that up and see what man ur playing tricks with. On my page a lot aparently. Its not how many u have its the traffic the produce. I’m making Zburg f*cking stacks and he knows it. I’ve been told, that’s all I’m saying Get Some

—-

Get Some, indeed, young douche poet of a generation. Get some, indeed.

When Ed Hardy Kills The Hottness

Here’s a great example where the Hardpocalypse pollution, and an aging rocker schroad, are simply too much for a potential hottie to survive.

This is what we define as “Bleeth.” The moment at which hot chick’s exposure to douchebaggery is so intense, she collapses into a sneering, gum snapping facade of hand gestures, attitude and wasted quality boobage.

So sad. But at least we have Stackhouse poetry coming up.