Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

A humid and sunny Friday for your humble narrator in the City of Angels.

The podcast I recorded with Adam Carolla last week will go live on Tuesday, so be sure to check it out. We riff on all things Grieco and douchey.

This weekend, your drunken babblefish will fly to New York, where I will consume tasty Hostess products and wander the streets of the lower east side. As I await my show’s third season pickup from MTV, I am pensive. And unshaven.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years wandering this earth, it is this: Plants are just mammals with roots.

Here’s your links:

MSN’s “The Surf Report” reads HCwDB, discovers Pumpito. But doesn’t give credit where credit is due.

Prankster ‘bag hunters cleverly mock a tanning salon using Oompa Loompa iconography. Nicely done, street-art satirists!

In redundant news, Dallas Mavericks owner and internet lottery winner Mark Cuban is a douche.

Reader Angie tags us a depressing license plate in New York. On a Ford Mustang, natch.

A day in the life of Suzie McCoppin’s boobs.

Baskin & Robbins comes up with Jerz Cream.

Douchebags in the News: Don’t forget to get vaccinated!

Okay, after another week of enduring a Pumpito clip, you deserve a real reward. And reward you, I shall.

What’s more glorious than the glories of Tub Pear?

Bubble Pear.

Or, if you prefer your pear of the Asian varietal, there’s the glories of Kimchi Pear.

And for that, you’ve been suitably rewarded for another quality week of mock.

Go forth kids. Go forth and sing the harmonies of life’s maddening illogic. And grab a grabby butt while you’re at it.

Average Dudes Who Think Strippers Like Ed Hardy

They don’t. And they don’t.

Young Ted Gets a Nottadouche

Maybe I’m feeling generous this Friday, but I’m giving one of our rare nottadouches to Ted here.

Ted’s obviously watched a bit too much VH1. The hair’s a bit fwippy. The vest + shirt is hipsterbag douche. The arm tatt is somewhat suspect.

But there’s just not enough evidence to convict.

Here’s your nottadouche and goinpeace, Ted. Good work on snagging Supple Rachel for the prom.

Now clean up your room.

And Rach, when you get to Sarah Lawrence, call me. I’ll sneak you into a bar on the lower east side and ply you with Cosmos while I pretend to listen to your dreams of a career in urban planning.

Friday Haiku

I’ve seen this movie,

While Beth wears Shrek wipe.

Green scrotumtroll poo

Leaves trail of spray tan on hot

Morn soiled rib fruit

— The Baggernaut

What Troll bag doesn’t

Know, is that you must be this

Tall to ride Ms Beth.

— Dicy

Green Giant butt Q-Tip

tells hott if bear ask does poo

stick to skin, say no!

— creature

For just one dollar

You too can crap on a hott

But there’s a troll bridge

— Ex Douche Machina

David Littleman’s gap

not all that galls and chafes her;

Stupid people trick.

— Wheezer

I would sniff the hell

out of that tank top just to

be close to her chest.

— Bagnonymous

Nancy wears results

Of feeding her horse Taco

Bell’s new Tortada.

— Amerigo Vesdouchey

King Douchuous the IV Spikes Onward

It is clear as we move through 2010 that while many douches might rise up for a brief time while pursuing the hotts, only to burn out in an implosion of Axe Bodyspray and L.A. Looks hair gel, the true legends of mock are marked not only by douchosity, but by longevity.

And by longevity, I mean a lifelong commitment to being total assclowns.

Even as they get more and more leathery.

We’ve seen HCwDB legends the Donk, Xenu, Joey Porsche and Smoot carry their “game” into 2010, and now here’s Hall of Scrote legend King Douchuous the IV, proving his kingdom of pudwack continues to reign over the party blonde suckle thighs.

Average ‘bags drop by the wayside. Get jobs. Wash out the gel.

But not the legends. They scrote onward evermore. And so we are there. To to laugh at the silly hair.

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: The Times Square Wannabomber

Well, yeah, Faisal Shahzad is a douche for trying to set off a bomb. But he’s really a douche for what the A.P. uncovered in the subsequent investigation:

—-

The adjoining hobby room was empty – but landlord Stanislaw Chomika said it was once dominated by Shahzad’s pet project: A scale wooden replica of a mosque, now seized by federal officials.

He had no TV or radio but owned a DVD of the hit George Clooney movie “Up In The Air.”

—–

Axe Bodyspray and “Up In the Air.” We missed the warning signs.

Reader Mail: The O-Face

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DB1,

– E.G.

—-

“Ginseng root chain.” I don’t know what that is, but somehow it says it all.

Good tag, E.G., and may you someday get that “hug.”

Billy Has a Thought

“If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?”

The Raisin

The pec tatt reads:

Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of douche, I will fear no prune face; for thou art with me; My rod and my nads, they shrivel like roasted tacquitos. But do not judge me. For I had a long day at the office and am a tad constipated.

HCwDB: Jenga Style

I always wondered what was going on inside that Jenga tower.