Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Billy Corsican

For Billy Corsican, nothing slays the Hottie Rabbit of Caerbannog in the Grotto where Boys Play quite like the Holy Chest Grenade of Scrotioch.

Or, if mish-mash confused references that oscillate between Python and early 90s Grunge Douche isn’t your thing, this guy is a ‘bag because he’s dressed like a medieval pirate with an orange chest shave.

Playboy Pam is working her way up the Hef Chain like an ambitious pre-coital Barbie Benton.

‘Bag Libs: Yo Jimbo Edition

Yesterday’s HCwDB ‘Bag Libs game produced a hilarious thread, so lets keep it going:

Yo Jimbo knew if there was one thing Japanese girls most loved about his _____, it was the way his _____ was always able to ______.

Fill in the blanks in the comments thread.

'Bag Libs: Yo Jimbo Edition

Yesterday’s HCwDB ‘Bag Libs game produced a hilarious thread, so lets keep it going:

Yo Jimbo knew if there was one thing Japanese girls most loved about his _____, it was the way his _____ was always able to ______.

Fill in the blanks in the comments thread.

Young Mitch Approves of the Weekly

Young Mitch, recently seen getting dumped by Kelsey after prom just a few posts down (and now hitting on his friend’s prom date, Jenny), approves of Lint Diesel and Curvy Carrie winning the Weekly.

And by approves, I mean, “Son, you got a potty on your head.”

HCwDB of the Week: Lint Diesel and Curvy Carrie

There are many hottie/douchey cohabits. But Orange Groin Shave Reveal (OGSR) and curvie booby drunkenness makes for a Weekly landslide. The voters speak:

bigphatnotadouche: Limp Diesel for the weekly – He’s got a Hott rubbing up on him and he’s trying to lick his own nipples. Plus his mom wrote his name on his underwear. What a douche.

Wheezer: Her white dress symbolizes what I hope is truly an unspoiled nature, though I doubt the Shout is going to remove the orange grease stains mucking it up from Lint’s dry humping. The Favreau sidekick is too drunk to realize that Happy Hogan isn’t the goddamn Batman, but that “extra” sock that’s missing its partner…..how apropos. Leave him on the dryer.

SauceOfTheDouche: While Kimberly’s orbs fascinate me with their perfect form and shading, I’ve got to go with the Lint Diesel and his almost equally hot Hott for the win (loss). LD’s lame attempt at auto-fellatio is just sad. His lovely Hott seems to think the shaven nubbin is warming up for her, poor thing. I dearly hope Batman rescues the lovely Hott before it gets too sticky…

the motley douche: Cast my vote on the weekly for Lint Diesel. The hair, the shirt raise (which, btw, I submit should be grouped with gsr as an automatic sign of the scrote virus) and the MJ tongue…it’s all there. This guy is a poster boy for douche. He is even beyond the help of his notadouche Favreau buddy over there.

doucheywallnuts: Lint Diesel FTW. One of the forgotten traits of a douchebags is narcissism, and as you can see from Lint’s attempt of auto-fellatio, narcissism is strong in this one. He also brings to the table the other douchebag requirements – the outfit, the hair, the groinshave, the abs, etc – even though Jon Favreau-douche is moving in on his hott.

Et Tu Douche?: Lint Diesel ftw, he is all that is douchebaggery (GSR, pants unbuckeled, multiple earings in one lobe, etc) If you look at the pic he seems more intent on staring at his ab’s then at the Hott’s curvaceousness.

Alex: This pic combines ethereal hott shining past orange douchosity in an intriguing display of moral goodness triumphing over evil. I want to share French cheeses and Belgian beers with her–explaining how the beer compliments and contrasts the salty, funky, creamy elements of the cheese. She is all that is good in the world. LD is everything that is wrong with modern society.

Douchey the Great: Lint Diesel FTW. As John McLaughlin would say, this is metaphysical doucheitude. the look, the clothes, the attitude, it’s all there. All that’s missing is my steel-toe boot in his Diesel.

Ultra Bagnus: Lint Diesel, for he combines the worst of all worlds. GSR, open fly, gay fake tan, stupid blowout hair, dumb face (w/ the presence of toungebaggery), and the ever-present douche bling. It doesn’t get much worse than Lint… except maybe for Donkey Douche

g0dluvsugly: The tertiary elements of douchebaggery elements of are also clearly present. Fake Tan: Check, Hair Gel Faux Hawk Sculpture: Check, Multiple Ear Piercings plus assorted Jewelry Adouchrement: Check.

DarkSock: Lint Diesel; why? Because he’s a ball-gazer; a sac shearing shrimp; because his hott’s harder than unlubed knee sex, and mostly because Jon Favreau should just know better.

Anthony LaBaglia: Gotta go with Lint. The boy sure is douche, thru-and-thru. But that’s not why I’m voting for him. Nor is it because he has the hottest chick. Greg the Groin’s girl is pure salad-tossing goodness.

saulgoode42: Lint. Because he wants to lick his own naughty bits.

Troy Tempest: Lint is such a massive douchebag his bellybutton begs for death. “pweeeeeze – kiw me now mister! My mommy said this is a baaaad deal!” And the rare ass white cup nods in agreement – “Yes little button. It is a bad deal. I am full of poison, murdering the unborn. You are but a widder biddy button. Don’t worry child – it will be over soon…” Lint FTW

The Blessed Scrotini: Lint Diesel. The hott is all hott this week but the douche is on completely different levels and Lint wins/loses them all.

MoeDouche: Lint Diesel FTW! No questions about it this time. He has the complete package. By package I mean that hottie is now burning a silhouette AssPear on my LCD monitor. Grrrrrrr!

Bag Margera: Orange, bald-chested, diamond-ear spiky-hair party troll + curvy impressionable miniskirt + sticking tongue out ambigously at shirt, hottie, and chest, while having a grope-a-thon with bat-broheim, = an unholy trinity of disgusting.

RAPETIME: Lint seems to have lost all neural control over his bodily functions, as evinced by his dangling tongue, closed eyes and tilted head, so he gets my vote right there. This is the Special Olympics, right? It’s hard to be a winner when you’ve blown out your brain stem, kids. Ask Bret Michaels.

Douchelips: Lint has the hated GSR, pants unbuttoned, Diesel underwear showing, bling, and spiky hair. Plus his hott looks like she’s on roofies. And lint is more toxic than a Nevada nuclear waste dump

Amerigo Vesdouchey: Lint because the son of a bitch just brought back my hangover. He should be strung up by his nethers.

Father Guido Sardouchey: Lint Diesel for the win (loss) over ambiguously gay Greg and post-plane-crash Buddy H. Not only does Lint appear to be more interested in autofellatio than in smokin’ hot Carrie, but his scrotal aura is so strong that it violates FCC regualtions for radio interference.

scrotum pole: Of course, Lint Diesel gets the win. He’s directing his imbecelic tongue-lick at his own junk, while ignoring the near-perfection of The Unnamed Hott, ( who is so liquored and stoned she probably doesn’t remember much of that night.) Jon-Favreau-Batman-shirt is the picture of absolute irrelevance, and I’m sorry I even had to mentioned him.

Precisely and scalpel-ly dissected, good work team. Lint D is both classic douche and 2010 innovator in one greasy explosion of taint. And Carrie is gnaw. Coming in a solid but distant second, Groin Shave Reveal Greg and the Missiles of Kimberly:

Jacques Doucheteau: I would pay a 400 lb Samoan my entire salary to tear my testicles off with his bare hands and feed the to a starving wombat for the opportunity to go back in time to 1978 and beat to death some random 12 year-old on a banana board wearing a similar shirt as Kimberly. I would lie to her that there’s a 2-for-1 sale for body mists at Victoria’s Secret just to see that excitable look on her face, and then gnaw quietly on the corner of her pink Liz Claiborne handbag whilst she was briefly distracted. F’ing boobies!

End the Haberdouchery: GSR Greg and Kimberly. Two star-crossed lovers with sculpted chests and abs, standing on beer cans. I bet three people got herpes in those woods that weekend. Boobs.

Deltus: Holy gazongas! I’d scrub clean the cabins at that camp with my own toothbrush for the chance to sniff the cot she slept in three weeks ago for 2 minutes.

The Big Lebagski: Greg is not the biggest douche of the three but white pleather belt to accentuate the groin shave reveal is enough, especially when coupled with Boobies. Kimberly boobies is boobies enough boobies to carry the boobies for the win boobies.

mr.reeve: Kimberly and her perfect boobies get the vote. Greg’s obvious manscaping shows he is in love with himself so much he probably has no true appreciation of the hottness Kimberly radiates. Greg’s near junk reveal shows that Greg loves him some him.

And a distant third place finish for the paradox of Buddy Holla, with two Hall of Mockers weighing in:

Mr. White: I’m going with Buddy Holla and Peggy. Buddy based his whole look on Henry Rollins after his first cousin played part the first two tracks off of “Damaged” for him that one time. He doesn’t actually own the album, though.

Steve L.: Lint Diesel gets bonus points for trying to fellate himself and Carrie gets bonus points just for being a lookalike of Anthony LaBaglia’s slut from hell, but as i suggested last week, i would vote for Buddy Holla if he makes the weekly. so i am contract bound to do just that. i’m sure the bastard tatted the contract in question somewhere on his body.

Indeed, I thought Buddy Holla would get more votes and Peggy is an underrated hott. But this was Orange GSR time and Curvy Carrie, plus Favreau douche. Lets let Paul Muad’douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach take us home:

Lint Diesel is a douche wrecking ball so odious he has to show off his brand name underwear. Check out the signifiers: ridiculously orange skin, no sign of extraneous body hair, the prominently displayed tongue, the groin shave reveal that is the alpha and omega of the proof we have of GSR Greg’s douchiness, and a navel stud. Seriously. A navel stud. Let that particular commitment to scroteosity sink in for a moment.

OK, so LD doesn’t rock the mandana or an abundance of bad tattoos, but that just means that he has untapped reserves of scrote within him. And whilst the curvaceous (and likely roofied) Sarah does not have the pneumatic rack you bring to the table, Kimberly, she still has a first class bumper and is hot enough to make me change my religion.

Well said and an excellent comments threads, props to all who posted for another solid round of mock dissection. Lets slot in Lint D and Carrie (and Favreau) for the Monthly. And your humble narrator for Frosted Flakes.

Pumpito Invalidates Ten Thousand Years of Human Accomplishment In Under Three Minutes

There is no hope. No future.

Last one out, shut off the lights.

The High Point of Young Mitch’s Life

At some point in the very near future, Kelsey will realize Mitch is a pud.

It’ll occur to her that when Mitch takes her out, he wears a giant baseball cap shaped like a pot for boiling water. With sunglasses on top.

Kelsey’ll move out of the sticks to a major urban area. Where she’ll get frequent mani-pedis and date young professionals with jobs and careers.

And Mitch will sit around and tell the boys, “Remember Kelsey? She was awesome.”

Yes. Yes she was, Mitch.

You probably shouldn’t have worn that cap.

The High Point of Young Mitch's Life

At some point in the very near future, Kelsey will realize Mitch is a pud.

It’ll occur to her that when Mitch takes her out, he wears a giant baseball cap shaped like a pot for boiling water. With sunglasses on top.

Kelsey’ll move out of the sticks to a major urban area. Where she’ll get frequent mani-pedis and date young professionals with jobs and careers.

And Mitch will sit around and tell the boys, “Remember Kelsey? She was awesome.”

Yes. Yes she was, Mitch.

You probably shouldn’t have worn that cap.

HCwDB’S “The Match Game”

Take your best shot at filling in the blanks in the comments thread.

HCwDB'S "The Match Game"

Take your best shot at filling in the blanks in the comments thread.